Sunday, April 26, 2009
It's not unlike me to wait until the last minute and then power through some shit. Don't worry, it'll get done. Everything, and I do mean everything, will get done eventually.
If it seems like I'm being cryptic, it's only because it's nearing 3 in the morning and I've got cotton stuck in one ear so I feel strangely not of this earth right now.
Also, Jeff's mom came over earlier to help me pack. I kinda didn't want her help because I'm private about certain weird things and I don't like people asking me questions like "hey, what's with all the sex toys?" Plus, she nags. So I told her I was sick and that I was just gonna take a nap and I thought that would do the trick. But she ended up sitting at the foot of my bed until I fell asleep. I found that to be incredibly weird. I'm not sure if that makes me strange or her strange? Or both? Maybe.
I dunno what time she eventually left, but she was gone when I woke up and nothing was magically packed so I have no idea how she kept herself entertained. As much as I can admit that she bothers me with her panicky off-the-wallness sometimes, I can truly say that she cares more about people than anyone I've ever known. That in and of itself kinda creeps me out. I guess it's just the way I was raised. Where "that's so gay" becomes the universal truth that gets uttered anytime you get caught caring about someone that isn't yourself. TOO DEEP.
Speaking of the weird unloving way I was raised, I've been talking about my effed up childhood pretty much nonstop everyday on chat with Dina. I can honestly say it's given me more insight the last two weeks than I've had in the last 30ish years of my life. I can also say that sometimes the more you learn about yourself, the more you wish you didn't know. I guess I knew this stuff all along, but it never came to life until I uttered it to someone that I wasn't paying by the hour to listen to me. (Not a hooker, Carlos.)
Suddenly I know why I don't want Jeff to touch me and why I'm so damn controlling and all I can think is "shit, if only that machine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real!"
Raises the question...If you could erase all the bad stuff from your past, would it be worth losing the good stuff? Hmm.
I dunno if I'd be willing to give up myself just to be "happy." What if one day I'm happy and it turns out to be boring and not that great? I'm not some emo life-hater though. As it stands, I just think life is weird, but at least I feel like I'm in on the joke. Well, I hope I am, at least.
In other news, hey, it's my 50th post! And probably the weirdest so far. Here's to the next 50!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Man, I dunno. It sucks because I kinda don't care. Like, I have so much shit going on right now that the last thing I wanna think about is finding a way to trick myself into eating 9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
But on the flip side of that...I feel like ass. Like, constantly. My back has been all effed up for weeks now. And like, of course! Backs aren't made to support 400 pounds in a pair of old shitty Vans. My heart keeps getting that racy feeling it gets when I eat like I've been eating. It's a signal. Like a subtle WTFBITCH! I know, I know, okay? Calm down!
Like, work has really been kicking my ass lately. I'm not used to all this...working...at work. I dunno why I'm so damn busy but it makes me long for the days when I could complain about just being bored. So when I get home, I don't wanna do ANYTHING...except, I gotta pack. Cause like, we're moving in 5 DAYS! I always forget how much moving sucks until I have to...move...again. Sigh.
Then I have all this junk going on with my family because my sister's a c-word and my dad's all needy and elderly and unemployed and everyone hates each other and I'm like "didn't I move halfway across the country to escape all this?" But they still call me, and they want me to offer solutions and lend (read: give) my dad money I don't really have and call and talk to my bitchy sister and listen to her play the victim when she's so obviously the catalyst for all these problems and blah blah fucking blah! GAH!
So during all this, I'm still supposed to grocery shop, and cook, and clean, and shower, and wake up, and go to work, and drive in my hot ass car, and I mean, yeah, I CAN fit it all in, but I just DON'T. Something has to suffer and unfortunately, it's my health. And I just don't care. And that part sucks. Because I NEED to care. I wanna say like "I'll start right now!" But I won't. I just figured out a brilliant plan to get me out of cooking all week just by packing up my whole kitchen this weekend.
I dunno, it's always on my mind. Being fat is ALWAYS on my mind. Losing weight is ALWAYS on my mind. I'm thinking about it, and hopefully that will lend itself to forcing me to do something about it because I'm worried I'm gonna be one of those people who has to like be on death's doorstep before I change my ways. My mom had four heart attacks and a stroke and 2 angioplasties and a quadruple bypass and she still ate like crap until the day she died, and I wonder like, is this apathy ingrained or am I just that lazy? Maybe both. I dunno. My greatest fear is like having a heart attack as a giant fattie. What a total fucking cliche! Yet, it's the obvious path unless I snap the fuck outta this funk and get my ass in gear.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging already in progress...THIS IS NOT JUST A WEIGHT LOSS BLOG yadda yadda HOT BOYS etc etc.
P.S. To end on a high note, I'm finding a lot of buried treasures while emptying and packing up my closets. Some good: a TON of wrapping paper, my bracelet beads, my nun lunchbox, a cool box of stickers. Some bad: cat turds, Jeff's ukelele (nooooo!), a bunch of old broken bongs. Gotta take the good with the bad, folks.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So, somehow, some way, last night I think I accidentally agreed to having a second job. BUT...I think Jeff's mom is seriously off her rocker, so I dunno. So here's the conversation as best as I can remember...
Momz: OH HEY, we're buying a Curves!
Momz: Yeah, we're getting our own Curves!
Me: Wha...you don't have any money...how?
Momz: Well, we're buying it for a dollar.
Momz: They're gonna lose it, so they're gonna sell it to us for a dollar instead.
Momz: Yeah, and it's gonna be family-run! You can have Wednesdays and Saturdays!
Me: I don't understand...is this how business works? I am lost.
Momz: Well, we're buying a Curves for a dollar and you can work there, ok?
Me: Yeah, okay, I guess.
Momz: OH I'm only having 4 beers tonite...I'm having a colonoscopy in the morning.
Me: I don't think you're supposed to....(sigh)...Ok, Deb.
For the record, she drank SEVEN.
As much as I don't wanna fucking work at Curves, I'm pretty confident that this plan was somehow way misconstrued and will, shockingly, not work out. Only time will tell. If you can buy franchises for a buck, I'll take a Popeyes. Hells yeah, son.
Let's move on, okay? Let's talk about my fucking jacket at work today. First of all, allow me to remind you that it is FUCKING HOT here already. Now, you guys should already know that we have to wear those shitty blazers at work now. I mean, I bitch about it all the time, so if you don't know then hello new person and welcome to my blog. So anyway, Amber forgot her dumb ass blazer this morning and FUCKING PANDAMONIUM BROKE OUT.
So about 20 minutes later, I get approached by "the bosses." I'm like oh shit, this is it, they saw me talking about something dirty online and now I'm fired. Shit! Turns out, they didn't... WHEW... I live to talk filthy for another day. They want me to let Amber borrow my jacket on her lunch and breaks! WTF! I mean, whatever, I said okay, but I won't lie and say it didn't feel weird as shit. I mean, my jacket pockets are like filled to the max with receipts and my cell phone and tootsie roll pop wrappers and shit. Let's just say, it wasn't expecting guests.
Then I went to lunch and it was like the surface of the sun in my car and my arms were getting sweaty under my jacket sleeves and i was like "GROSS, now I gotta pass this sweaty ass jacket off to the next victim and she's gonna be all GOD THIS SWEATY BITCH!" I dunno. It was uncomfortable. I'm always too fat to share clothes, so this was a first for me. Germophobia, ABOUT FACE!
Next topic: The packing is getting done slowly but surely.
Yet another topic: Dear Dina and Twinkleydots...please stop all the fussin' and a'fightin. I feel like a child in the middle of a bitter divorce custody case. Who do you love more? Your mommy or your other mommy? That means you guys are lesbians. OUTTED! You heard it here first, folks.
NEXT: HERE'S a link to some pictures I drew a long time ago when I had no online friends and my computer would only do MSPaint and Solitaire. They are pretty dumb, and dare I say some are of 'questionable' nature, but I don't think they will get you sent to Hell or anything unless you were already on the way there, you heathen! Have fun and whatnot. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you!
I guess that's it. There was something else I wanted to talk about, but this is already massive, plus there's always tomorrow. Bye :)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
3 girly rum drinks + 5th place + 1 british dude = too late for math.
I think my Bristish crush is over. Then again, maybe it was because he was sitting all the way at the other end of the table tonight and not talking to me, and Lord knows if there's one thing I find attractive, it's someone giving me attention! LonelyFatGirlMentality4Lyfe.
There was this table of dudes behind us, and one of them looked like Peter Griffin from The Family Guy and the other looked like Jon Heder. That shit was making me crazy all night. I REALLY WANTED PICTURES OF THEM TO SHOW YOU GUYS but I wussed out. Oh well, maybe next week.
Here's some pictures I did take though. I wanted to get more but I felt like a fucking lame-o and everyone was bitching about the flash. People are no fun.
That's it. I'm gonna go fall asleep in the bathtub. Bye bye.
That Matt Lauer...I'll never trust him again.
Anyway, since it's SO HOT (95 today!), lately I've had my mini-fan on at my desk. This thing is pretty loud. I didn't realize HOW loud until my co-workers started making fun of me today. "Oh, summer's starting, time for Tricia's afternoon concerts again." WHAT? I guess that like, when the fan is on, I tend to hum a lot of songs in between calls because I guess I think no one can hear me. But it turns out I'm humming louder than I thought, because they even knew what song I was humming today! That sucks. I caught myself humming White Christmas four different times today and looked over to see snickering jerks. What can I say? I have a song in my heart! And it's a song about snow.
TONITE IS TRIVIA! Mmm, hot british guy in action. I sure hope he shows up! Not only so I can stare at him longingly but also so we can WIN! But...mostly so I can stare. Nom nom nom.
Tell me random facts, hurry!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Maybe next time I say something is giant, you guys will believe me!
I'm outta here, I've whined enough for one night.
Hey, what do you guys think of my new look?? Dina busted out her mad HTML skills all over my blog, and I gotta say, Ilikeitalot. Using a preset template is like...SO early 2009, you guys. Come into the now.
This weekend was full of awesome things like sorting clothes, washing clothes, folding clothes, and packing clothes! Do I know how to party or what? On the plus side, I'm almost done with ALL the laundry. I know it may seem like I'm bitching a lot about this laundry, but this pile has been growing for THREE years, you guys. I feel all accomplished and shit so don't go raining on my parade.
I found out I can log on to the Sirius website and listen to music even when Jeff's radio isn't around so I was rocking out to cool 90s tunes all weekend and it was GREAT. I stand firmly on the fact that almost all modern music sucks shit. I know the 90s weren't the greatest either but I was young enough still to not be all jaded and cynical about the good ol' days. I still remember where I was the first time I ever heard Pearl Jam. Oh to be young and hyperanalytical again! Oh well. Now I pretty much only listen to music that was made before I was born...oh, and The Killers. They're from Vegas!
I feel strangely not unhappy today. I dunno where that came from, but hopefully it sticks around for a while.
Um...that's it for now. How's your Monday?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Anywho, I went to Super Mex. It's some crappy restaurant with really greasy food that's good for drowning my sorrows in cheese and salsa.
So anyway, sitting at the table next to me are these three burly construction-worker-type dudes. I dunno if they were really construction workers, but you could tell they worked manly jobs. Then I hear the word "point" and my ears perk up because it's like hearing someone speaking your native language while you're in a foreign country. Excuse me, is that Weight Watchers you're speaking...in here? They were. "I can have a slice of that fat free cheese for one point blah blah blah..."
These big burly fuckers discussing the merits of fat free cheese in the greasiest restaurant in town? How did this happen? It's like I can't fucking escape this shit.
Judging by the scraped clean plates on their tables and the empty bowl of Chili Con Queso, they obviously, like me, aren't practicing what they preach. It doesn't matter how much you know about something if you still aren't applying.
I guess you could say I found comfort in the thought that in any given place in America, there's probably at least one person who knows the WW point system like the back of their hand and is still making incredibly bad choices.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Specifically, failing at diets is making me fatter.
I've always been an over-eater, but I think dieting has turned me into a true binger.
When I started my first diet when I was in my 20s, I was of course, obese. But I was reasonably healthy, meaning I would walk forever and not be winded, and I could keep up with my life and the people in it. I lost a bunch of weight doing Atkins because I was perfect for 10 months. Then on Halloween, I had some chocolate. Then I had some more. Then more. Then I ate more chocolate in one sitting than I ever have. Then I ate a pizza. Wtf?
I never ate that much before. That continued for months.
Now it's like every Monday I'm starting a new diet. Which means every Sunday afternoon I'm eating 6 pounds of fettucini alfredo like I'm storing it up to survive on my fat for the next three months. But by Wednesday, I'm back to eating bullshit. Starting diets is giving me a perfect excuse to binge as much as I want...guilt-free. And that sucks. I don't wanna diet anymore. I just wanna eat less. And I'm sick of setting myself up for failure.
I'm not fat because I'm addicted to food. I'm fat because I'm addicted to overeating. Bottomless pit. It's embarrassing. Needs to stop. Somewhere in my head there has to be a part that says "hey, don't you think you've had enough, big girl?" But so far that bitch ain't talking.
Anyway. I'm not gonna obsess over diets anymore. This obviously isn't working for me, and whether you call it a lifestyle change or torture or whatever else, it's still not working, so fuck it. I know what I need to do. So I'll try to do it.
Furthermore, I can't use this blog to just talk about food and weight anymore. I'm fortunate to have people who are in the struggle with me, and I do appreciate it, but my problems range far beyond just the weight so I'm going to use this blog to talk about lots of problems, not just fat ones. If that's not okay with you, I understand if I lose a few followers. I get that I talk like a sailor and maybe say things that offend some of you, but that's me, and I can't apologize for being myself in my own blog.
So...that's it for now. No hard feelings and...wish me luck? :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
We won a $100 bar tab, which means I drank which I like, never do, so my tolerance is for shit so like two girly rum drinks and suddenly I know all the words to songs by Bachman Turner Overdrive...who knew? Not me.
It's not about the free booze though, it's more about beating that table of old people that ALWAYS FUCKING WIN. God! Hate them! But we beat those suckers by 8 points! Take that, elders!
Anyway, yeah, that was fun, and I hardly ever have fun except for when Dina talks to me about dicks at work and makes me hold in my laughs for 8 hours, but yeah, I had a blast and I'm a little drunk, but whatever, I can still type, you know? Run on sentence, hell yeah.
I'm gonna go eat Munchos and watch Biggest Loser now. Diet...whoa, don't wanna talk about it. OR...we'll talk about it later? Yeah, that's the ticket. Adios.
P.S. Did you guys know that there are 3 coins in circulation with "real" women on them? We thought 2. Goddamn Helen Keller.
OH! I almost forgot! This totally nerdy British dude showed up and was like "aye, me teammates left me, can I join in here, guys?" and I was like "hellz yeah" but yeah, he was cute and nerdy and like SMART...prolly the real reason we won. Like a table full of red-blooded americans and the british dude had to tell us what the capital of Illinois was. Pfft. Anyway, he was hot in like a not-hot-but-still-cool-and-nerdy way that I love so like, crush of the week! Angus...that was his name. Cool.
Dang, wish I had brought my camera!
Oh yeah! There's always like one question that I know the answer to that no one else gets and tonite the answer was Notorious BIG...haha, that is funny to me. Oh Tricia, you used to be smart! My learner is broken.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
This balloon sings a weird little Spongebob diddy anytime you tap it. On the ride home from work it went off 14 times. Shit was wild, son.
Flowers :) And the infamous Weight Watchers mug. I bought one for home too. I'm not AS obsessed with Dwight Shrute as this picture may portray. But they don't really have Jim merchandise...so yeah.
Yay, my card! Do these people know me or what?
Giant cupcake. Any cupcake you have to eat with a fork is really pushing the limits, but they are limits I'm willing to push.
Contestants! I was the 4th one up there. Like the only one that's an actual circle. I also stuck up that picture of my assistant manager because her head is shaped like an egg and that shit was hilarious to me. I had the picture from this awesome banner I made for Boss' Day last year. I don't just have spare pictures of my bosses at my desk for no reason, I'm not some fucking weirdo! For real, I'm not.
Me and my egg! That is a weird look on my face, I dunno. Looks like I was crying but also being forced to smile. "Stop that crying before I give you something to cry about!"
This is just a picture of my favorite things from my desk. My BFF finger-paper-sorter thing, miniature Love Buddha, a dino, Triceratops with top hat (obv.) and a Marge miniature bobble head. Marge was not my first choice, but when it comes to those quarter machines, I never seem to have any luck getting what I want. I tried 3 times and got 3 Marges. Meant.to.be.
That's it, dudes. I did pretty good foodwise this week until Thursday when all hell exploded and all I can say is that I know my birthday isn't a good enough excuse, but it's the best one I got right now. Free ribs, you know? Talk to you cats later.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Like Manna from Cheapskate Heaven. You have any idea how hard it's gonna be for me to say no to all that FREE stuff? Not just free stuff, but free stuff I love! Fucking hard, that's how hard.
It was NOT a good idea to check my email while I was waiting for my 95% lean Turkey Burger on Whole Wheat to cook.
Free ribs, dudes. Seriously.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Representin' fo tha FFP, son!
That's right, I stole this name. I admit it. I had this sticker like a decade ago and lost it somewhere, but NOW...it's mine again. And my life is complete. Well, not really. But less UNcomplete, for sure. Hey, if you guys want one, lemme know! I can get more and I'll even mail them for free because I care about my little corner of webspace here that much. I really do think it's a good message...like, stop being scared of fat people. We're not clowns, or wolves, or even bears. We're nice and smart and funny and we don't even smell bad like TV portrays. So...yeah, fight the phobia.
In the ultimate bit of irony, I remember in college I was scared of a fat person. And yeah, I was still fat. So ignorant. It was like the only person I ever met at that tender age that was fatter than me. Remind me to tell you all about that story one day.
Also, glasses. I NEVER wear them in pictures because I think they make me look like Jan-Brady-esque-Dorkosaurus. But I'm trying to get over that so I can be cool like these dudes:
I got this one too since I'm old now. And COOL!
That's my "do what I say because I'm old" face.
Alright, I'm outta here. For real this time! I made Turkey Filet Mignon and a baked potato for dinner and my whole apartment smells like bacon now. I can say, as far as smells go, bacon is a winner. I hope that turkey doesn't suck cause I bought a whole box of those suckers.
Hey, speaking of Bleh...I been feeling that. It could be a lot of things. Work, which is terrible and I hate it. Eating things I don't want. Stressing about moving and my constant procrastination. Feeling like I have no friends in this town and being alone all weekend while Jeff's working. Being generally disappointed in my station in life but having no motivation to change it. You pick a reason! Choose your own adventure. (2nd time I've used that word in one post.)
I dunno. I feel disenchanted, to say the least. I don't think I have some outta whack sense of Entitlement, so I'm not sure why I think my life should just get better on it's own with little to no effort on my part. Maybe it's because I am a whiny baby. Yeah, that's prolly it.
I am turning this post around, dammit. No more whining!
Here's something: Frozen Yogurt! I had some last night. I think that's what actually pushed me over the edge on my daily points after all those chips at Chili's. It's okay, it's only 88 calories for 4 ounces. I dunno how they do that, but it's posted on the wall, so it's gotta be true! This place is called Golden Spoon, and if you have one near you, you should go there and also thank God for putting you in a location with easy access to easily the greatest 88 calories you will ever spend. I always get the Peanut Butter kind. I don't really eat peanut butter when I'm dieting because 2 tbsp isn't enough for the 5 points it costs. I am miserly with my points. A real scrooge. But I can get a whole cup of this roasty peanutty creamy swirly stuff for 2 points! HEAVEN! I will stop talking about it now. But I won't stop thinking about it...
Um, what else? Oh yeah, I ordered a sample pack of that PB2 stuff. It comes with 2 packets of regular and 2 packets of chocolate. Weird, dude. I'm not really the ADVENTURous (that's 3, folks!) type when it comes to food, but I'm gonna try it. If it's weird, at least I'm only out 4 bucks. If you guys use it, you can leave me a comment and tell me what you like to do with it, unless it's something sensual in which case, just email me!
This is long and foody. I don't really have anything to talk about. Can you tell?
Oh yeah, I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself for a whole month, but I checked it last night just to see if it would give me an actual number. NO DICE! Still in "EE" territory. WONDER WHY? Oh well, better luck next time. I shall keep you posted.
I'm gonna end this now, you've suffered enough for one day. Have a good one, dudes. Hope your weekend is full of adventurous adventures. (Wanted to make it an even 5...)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Just kidding, no pandas. (Unless this panda decides to comment...) Just un-panda-ish ol' me still doing the diet thing. It is day 3 though. I'm eating my homemade turkey breast meatballs and whole wheat spaghetti and even though I'm not in love with it, at least I'm not eating it with like a whole loaf of garlic bread and a mound of parmesan (if only!)
Before we get started here, I would like to mention that I got my 50th Follower today, weeee! That's pretty awesome to me because I dunno why anyone would wanna read the junk that comes outta my head, but like, at least 50 people do, so that's pretty fuckin' sweet, says I. So...thanks Chews to Lose, for being official number 50! I would send you a prize or something but the price of stamps is outrageous these days. But you get this nifty shout-out that FIFTY people (might) see, so chin up!
So I been doing alright diet-wise. Eating a lot of boring fibery shit and drinking boring ol' water. I mean, I know I can do this, cause I've done it many times before. And even now, like, I'm eating okay and all, but in my head I still feel like this is something way temporary. I still don't think I have the willpower to be good on a vacation or like...my birthday. I guess I just have to convince myself that even if I fuck up, I gotta get right back on it. That's always been my problem. I can be a total diet nazi for like MONTHS, but then I have that one bad, like really terrible, day that just flips the switch and suddenly I'm eating nonstop for like a year until finally no pants fit and I'm like "fuck."
I still haven't started packing...le sigh. I will start soon!
Work is still pissing me off. Man, it's just no fun anymore. I know it's MY JOB, and it's not really supposed to be "fun", but what's the harm in getting paid to be at a place you don't hate? They really hate when we start having fun. That's why I got moved. I sit in the cubicle RIGHT in front of my boss' office. IT SUCKS! I feel like I'm constantly being watched like the bad kid in class. I would understand the "bad-apple" treatment if I wasn't getting my work done, but I'm being super fast and super efficient with the shit they give me and in turn, I have a lot of down time to piss away. This is not my fault.
Anyway, I got pissed off today because I had this semi-elaborate April Fool's plan all set to go and my assistant manager put the kaibosh on it by telling me that I could do it but I would probably get fired. Man! I didn't think it was all that bad, and certainly nothing worth losing my job over. But I forgot about the new NO FUN ALLOWED policy.
Sheri is a lady at work that sits next to me. She's from Denver and talks nonstop about how great Denver is and how much she hates it here in Vegas. She sprays her very loud very obnoxious perfume all over herself in her cubicle MULTIPLE times a day. She complains about everything. Thusly she has become the victim of most of my work tomfoolery. She's one of those ladies who overuses phrases like "I'm not 40, I'm 39.99!" So yeah, she's got an age thing. So I decided to get those window markers and go write HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY SHERI!! all over the windows of her giant Tahoe. But alas...thwarted. No fun allowed. Woulda been funny, I think. Oh well. Maybe next time. Least I still got a job, right?...so shut up and do your work! That seems to be the general mentality so whatever.
Anywho, work bitching is over.
One more thing...there's these two little fat-kid twins that moved into an apartment by where I park my car. I see them every nite when I get home from work lately. They are like so nerdy fat cute, with their little harry potter glasses. So cute. Anyway, they're always sitting on this step outside their apartment playing their Nintendo DS'. I wonder if their mom sends them out to get exercise every afternoon and they just sit there playing Pokemon or whatever until they're allowed to come back in? I see a gaggle of kids always running around back and forth in front of them and they never seem tempted to join in. It's cute that they're so obnoxiously nerdy but also kinda sad cause I see obesity in their future. Anyway, I was just gonna mention that earlier I thought I would take a picture to show you guys, then I thought how I would probably get arrested for taking pictures of kids that aren't mine. Sometimes I forget about the world we live in. Oh well.
Shit, I got all caught up in typing this epic post and my dinner got cold. I'ma go heat this up and see who gets kicked off Idol. Pacific time sucks! See ya.