TRISH SMASH!

We're having a St. Patrick's Day Potluck next Tuesday here at work. We're supposed to bring something green. Last year we ended up with guacamole, grapes, green apples, and a bunch of 2-liters of Mountain Dew. And green cupcakes, but I brought those. We're a real creative bunch, obviously.

Anyways, I was thinking I would make a fruit tray with all green fruits. QUICK! Name every green fruit you know! READY SET GO!

P.S. Watermelon doesn't count, cause normal people don't eat the green part.

P.S. again...Speaking of green things, here's a picture of me turning into the Hulk. I dunno how it happened...maybe tricky camera lighting effects...or someone made me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Now go name those green fruits....OR ELSE.

Fat babies need the most love.

You know, until I was like 20, I didn't know I had a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I've always been fat, and I knew that. But I didn't really see it as a "problem", per se. Sure it sucked growing up fat, being called Fatty Patty (which to this day is why I won't even answer to Patty) and having no boyfriends in high school and missing out on just regular teenage stuff, but I just dealt with it as part of my life and moved on.

I never dieted. I ate what I wanted. My mom catered to my pickiness and let me get away with french fries as a primary vegetable. My dad tried to make me eat green beans once which ended in a plate of vomit, so that was the end of that. My life was chips and fried chicken and all the candy I could get my grubby mitts on. And I loved it.

I remember my mom taking me to a doctor once when I was like 8. I don't remember what I weighed, but I remember it was enough to make the doctor say "Oh honey. That's more than me!" Pfft. So? Skinny bitches always showing off! Anyway, my mom said that all her kids were fat, then they balanced out when they got older, which was a lie because my 14-year-old brother was still a tub at that time. Maybe she was just embarrassed about how big I was...I dunno. I remember leaving there and riding home with her in total silence and praying that she wasn't gonna do something drastic like put me on a diet. I really prayed for that.

She never mentioned it again. Maybe because putting me on a diet meant she'd have to be on one too and she didn't want that any more than I did. Of course, in hindsight, I wish she'd been more strict. Maybe she'd still be alive and I wouldn't be 400 freaking pounds.

Moving on, my first diet was at the age of 20. I was working at Bank One and me and some coworkers decided to try Atkins. Over the course of the next year, I lost 80 pounds. But this was my meal plan:

Breakfast: None
Lunch: None
3pm snack: One bag of Hot n Spicy Pork Rinds and a 20oz Diet Dr Pepper
Dinner: 40 chicken wings OR 1 pound of sliced brisket OR 1 whole rotisserie chicken

The only vegetable I ate was pickles. Lots of em.

But I was losing weight, so I still thought I was being pretty healthy. Once I lost some weight, oddly enough, I started making pals. The diet took a backseat to nights spent in bars drinking sugary shots and 3am pancake breakfasts. Needless to say, the weight started coming back. I gained 100 pounds over the next year. Suddenly I was fatter than ever and friendless again. Depressed. I tried several times over the next few months to get back on the Atkins bandwagon, but I always failed. I just didn't wanna do it anymore.

So I gave up on dieting again. I was back to being fat and "okay" with it. I met a guy and he was nice to me even though I was huge. What a concept.

Then I met his mom. She taught me about Weight Watchers and was really supportive of me getting healthy. With her help, I lost about 50 pounds. I don't even remember why I stopped, but of course I gained it all back plus more. Noticing a trend here? Since then, I've tried unsuccessfully to get back on plan. Promising Monday mornings that lead to disappointing Monday nights. I know it CAN work, it's just like...fuck...I don't wanna do it.

So now I'm here. Part of me is like "WW is a sensible plan, just do it." and the other part of me is like "Fuck points, dude." Ideally, I know that if I eat less and move more, I will probably lose weight. Do I need to count every calorie, every gram of fat? Probably. Because I lack a little something doctors like to call "self-control."

I gotta do something. Wild ideas run through my mind ranging from "only eat fruit for dinner!" to "wire your jaw shut!" I remember that Twilight Zone episode where the fat lady had special glasses made that makes all the food she's about to eat come to life and scream in terrified little voices "pleeeeeeeease don't eaaaaaaaat meeeee!" Where can I get those glasses?

This is long. I am fat. Need to diet. The end.

You guys...

I found out why we're fat.

The answer is HERE.








P.S. Gross.

In case you guys were wondering...

This is my favorite picture from my trip home. I dunno why, but it cracks me up. It's just so weird and random. Hamsters...as a matter of fact. As a matter of what fact, exactly? I need to know the question that preceded this answer.

It was at the flea market so since I'm figuring people at flea markets will do anything to make a buck, I'm all "hey, how much for the sign?" I just thought it would be an awesome thing to hang in my living room and have people come in all "WTFHamsters?" Anyway, she said $200! Bitch is crazy. I can make my own for that much and it would be way cooler too, with even more hamsters and at least twice the weird statements. So I just said "oh." and walked away and took a free picture and that was that. I mean...it's just hamsters. As a matter of fact.

Here's a picture of the hamsters she was selling for 6 bucks each. They're dwarves! They'll never get any bigger. I wondered what kind of person thought a regular-sized hamster was too big of a pet and decided they needed to be miniaturized? I dunno, but either way, I would be scared of losing these dang things in the couch cushions or in my mattress and finding a tiny skeleton sometime in the not-so-near future. That kinda shit would just ruin the whole day for me.

Now hamsters are one thing. But dwarf bunnies?? Now you're talking! Look how cute this freaking thing is and it will stay this cute forever until the day it dies or runs away!

I've often wished they made a cat that would stay small forever. I really loved our cat the first month or so but then it got older and meaner and it never wants to cuddle, it just wants to scratch and bite and have a pissy attitude. I'm not one of those people who will just toss aside an animal when it's done being cute, so me and this jerk are in it for the long haul, but if I could shrink him, rest assured, I would. And if I ever did discover the magic potion that shrinks animals, I would apply it liberally to my belly and chins and this world would be full of kickass things like Skinny Tricias and tiny cats.

I'm so bored at work today....

Ooh, I'm gonna go get my new glasses at lunch though. That's gonna be weird. In like an hour, I'm gonna have better vision. What a time to be alive!

In diet news: I need to get back on one. Post-haste.

I didn't even know Ethiopians had food...

One of the most notable things about Houston is the wierd contrast between segments of the city. You have a town that all at once offers you anywhere from trail rides to actual rocketships. I tried my best to keep Jeff in the segments that boast a keen sense of multiculturalism and a love for the arts. I think it worked out pretty well.

We went to some really great bookstores and I took him to Houston's biggest comic book shop (oh to love a nerd.) We had Indian, Brazilian and Ethiopian food, not to mention arguably the world's best BBQ. We went to the Continental Club and saw a rockabilly/swing/tejano/blues band called Umbrella man. That was a musical genre hybrid that I didn't even know existed, but it sounded pretty good live. We went to the Art Car Museum and saw how they turn what some might consider junk into awesome works of art. It was a lot of fun and I think I can say that Jeff left not only thinking he COULD one day live in Texas, but that he might actually even WANT to...so there.

Then...on the other end of the spectrum, you have the places my dad likes to hang out. My dad's favorite place in town in a diner called City Cafe, or as I like to call it, the Land that Time Forgot. This place is a real dump. I mean, I can appreciate the whole retro look when it's done purposefully, but this ain't it. The people in there are as old as the dusty stuff on the walls. The regulation uniform of the people in there seems to be trucker cap, coveralls, and dirty boots OR orthopedic slippers...you pick. I mean, whatever, old people need a place to go when they're too proud to settle for BINGO halls, but the thing that gets me is that you still hear things like "colored people" or "damn Messicans" coming out of their mouths. My dad is no exception. THESE are the jerks that make people think Texas is full of rednecks and racist assholes. It angers me.

How can one city harbor so many opposing views? Are all cities like this? I don't really know about Vegas because I mostly just stay in my little bubble, but I wonder if there are people here who still think their white skin entitles them to some kind of preferential treatment? It's embarrassing and even worse because my own dad is one of them. It's been the thing that's kept us at each other's throats for as long as I can remember. I dunno. I mean, at this point, I gave up on trying to change him, but it still weirds me out to have to go sit in these little hubs where people like him meet four times a day to sit around and drink iced tea and just say hateful things.

Oh well. I guess there's worst things than having a racist dad. Like him finding out how much you weigh, for instance. That sucked. Don't wanna talk about it, no thanks.

At least I'm not like him. And Jeff's not like him. That's enough for me for now. Gotta pick your battles.

So what does all this have to do with weight loss? Nothing, silly. I am a goddamn rebel.

How's your Tuesday?

No extra fees!

Well that week freaking flew by. I'm back in Vegas and although I'm glad to be away from the sticky smelly Texas heat, I do kinda wish I had a few more days to hang out because there was lots we didn't get to do. As for Jeff, things went well. He fixed my brother's computer and my dad seemed to hate him a little less than last time, so that was good.

My sisters were just my sisters. There's nothing else to really say about them. My sister Lisa told me I've changed and that "you used to a lot nicer." Whatever that means. I'm plenty nice, dammit.

There's lots to talk about. Just dumb little tidbits of activity that may or may not be interesting enough to delve into, but chances are I will anyway. Not tonight though. Alas, I have to be back at work in the morning (boo-urns!) and I can't seem to get enough sleep lately. I woke up at 3pm today. It was awesome. Some people have that part of their brain that tells them that sleeping past noon means you wasted your day. I shut that part up long ago and now I know a day spent sleeping is a day well spent.

So yeah, I took a few pictures and as I mentioned, I have a couple stories to tell, but I'll get around to that soon enough. For now, it's nice to be back to my comfy bed and free reign over the air conditioner. Hope everyone's been doing well. Talk to ya soon :)

In the aeroplane over the seaaaa...

I leave work in about an hour. All I can say is that it's been a hellacious day that so far has included me being over 90 minutes late and getting a written warning. Lame, dude.

I'm hoping the bad luck stops now and I'll have a nice trip with lots of funtimes and little to no ridicule and/or "extra fees."

I found out why it was so impossible to get a hotel room in Houston this week. Turns out the rodeo is in town. Talk about bad timing! Jeff already thinks Texas is nothing but cowboys and Republicans and now he's gonna be there in the thick of it during the worst possible time of the year. Oh well, at least I may get a funnel cake out of the deal.

Okay, well, I probably won't be around much for the next week, so you cats stay cool and as always, avoid the clap.

<3