Name-droppers.

So yeah, we went "swimming." Pfft. Some teacher that Jeff turned out to be. It's like...

"alright, do this..."
"(dunk) ACK I CANT DO THAT! HOW??"
"do it like this..."
"(sink) THIS SUCKS I DONT UNDERSTAND!!"
"well, I dunno...prolly should get you some lessons or something. I'm gonna go to the jacuzzi, it's cold."
"(silent hate.)"

That sucked! I dunno why I thought I would be able to learn in like one night. I came to the conclusion that I hate putting my head under water. It just feels like...impending doom. No sir, I don't like it.

Oh well, at least I tried, kinda. I stayed in the water for over an hour kicking my feet like a fatass toddler so I could at least get some form of exercise. I learned how to tread water, so that's good. I just panic when my toes can't touch the bottom so I'm still pretty useless in the water, but that's life for a panicky Tricia.

Hey, I got some mail today! I got Chuck back in the mail with a bitchin' necklace from Camevil! I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a choker, but it was a choker on me because of my extra fat neck. I can't really wear it yet unless I wanna die, but I'm hoping I'll be able to wear it and continue breathing soon. It's awesome, check it:

There's also pretty beads and stuff you can't see because of my neckfurters. I love it!

I also got a nice little card from Simone all the way from the UK! It was all cute and British. Thanks pal!

Minnie's cubicle o'balloons turned out to be an awesome ordeal all day. We kept refilling her cubicle everytime she left her desk. If you can't pester a 70 year old, who, I ask, can you pester?? She was a good sport and she really liked the GIANT pill case full of candy. She kept talking about how she could use it for her vitamins. If I see her ever using that thing for real, I'll prolly die laughing.

Balloons kick ass.

Especially this one.

In leiu of a giant hot fudge sundae, I ended up just having a scoop of vanilla with from fresh strawberries. I really haven't been eating all my points, and I'm up a pound, so maybe I need to eat more...I dunno. Feels wrong even saying that. But I go to bed with like 10-15 left every night. I'm gonna be pissed if I gain this week after thinking I'm kicking much ass. WE WILL SEE.

I tired...I go nite nite now.

OH WAIT, I got emailed by that same weird Dr that emailed Jack Sh*t about adding my blog to some HealthSpring website or some shit. I was all jazzed to be onboard, but then Jack said it was all a big scam and took a dump all up in my whole grain Cheerios (get your free sample here!). So either it's all crap, or Jack wants all the fame and attention for himself. It's hard to say with that guy sometimes...

Baby's black balloon makes her fly...

Man, no swimming today...LAME!

Since Minnie's actual birthday is tomorrow, I knew Laura wanted us to devise some kind of desk decor or something to celebrate that nosy little munchkin turning 70. So we went on our lunch break to go buy stuff and as it turns out, there are no decorations for 70th birthdays. I guess they figure once you get up that high, you don't want balloons and shit announcing it to the world cause all those themed decorations stop right at 60. Some BS if you ax me.

So we improvised. We decided to blow up 70 balloons and "fill" her cubicle. Only problem is...70 barely made a dent! I was all expecting some overflowing balloon pit and instead it was more like "what's all this shit on the floor? Oh, it's balloons." So we rummaged the storage closet and found all kinds of leftover balloons from party days gone by and got to work. It ended up taking 141. Well, that's all we had, so that's what it took. My mouth is all sore and rubber-tasting. So it's just like any other Tuesday nite, AMIRIGHT?? (yuck.)

Anyway, here's some pics of me and some workgirls (opposite of homegirls) getting this shit done:

Note to self: That shirt still doesn't fit. Don't wear it for another 30 pounds.

Two hours later (!!!) I was at Party City trying to find a funny Over the Hill gift that wouldn't make her cry. It's a sensitive subject, getting old. I mean, it's funny to laugh about someone being old when they're like...not that old. But turning 70 ain't no joke! I ended up finding this giant pill case and I filled it with different candies for each day of the week. I think I teetered the edge of humor and taste just fine, thanksverymuch.

Now that I'm finally home and all outta oxygen, I guess we're postponing swimming until tomorrow. Sucks, but it's already dark and there's monsters plus the pool might be haunted or something.

Jeff's diploma FINALLY came in the mail! YAY!

Aww so proud!

There were a few weeks there where we were biting our nails thinking "hmm, maybe you didn't really graduate??" But it turns out they just mailed it to our old address, whew! So now he has no excuse to not look for a better job and that makes me happy. I told him I wouldn't start nagging until the end of the summer though. ONE MORE MONTH! I do love me a good ol'-fashioned nag fest.

Tomorrow I gotta say no to ice cream sundaes at work. But that shouldn't be THAT hard. ...unless there's waffle bowls. :(

Bye dudes.

P.S. How 'bout that Bill Clinton, eh??? :)

People never answer their phones.

OH YEAH! One more thing...I'm an idiot.

I was driving home from Jeff's mom's house and I was feeling pretty happy and whatnot so when You Oughta Know came on the radio, I decided to call Dina and sing it as loud as I could since it's like her favorite song ever. Well, the voicemail came on so I decided to sing it anyway. Super loud and annoying-like. Then I hung up when the song ended.

Then I realized I didn't call Dina. I called Dr. Venkat, the name AFTER Dina in my phone. AWESOME. Here I am trying to convince her I'm depressed and I need Xanax to sleep and now she has a message of me singing (yelling) about Alanis Morrissette going down on a dude in a theater. That's awesome.

Thanks a lot, Dina. You bitch.

Beer me that noodle.

Mason got out of the hospital yesterday. I went to go visit him after work today and brought him some Get Well Soon balloons and a bunch of gummy candies I found at Party City. 15 for a buck, heck yes! He was back to his old weird self being cute and funny and it really cheered me up. Life goes on, you know? As far as he knows, nothing even happened except he woke up in a hospital and he got to play with some Bob the Builder Legos. High on his list of wants, FYI.

No one's exactly trying to jog his memory right now. That's fine by me.

As for the rest of the weekend, some less than mindful eating of Popchips did occur, but I weighed in this morning at 400.6 so I'm down a good 4.2 pounds in a week and that ain't bad, all things considered. My leg's still getting better slowly but surely as days go by. I just stretch it out a lot and remember the Cart of Motivation.

Work is getting stressful again. Okay by me because as long as they keep my ass busy, there's less chance they're gonna be letting me go. Sometimes I push these imaginary deadlines on myself because I hate having piles of shit on my desk. I also hate coming in the next morning knowing I have a pile of work to do from the day before. Shit stresses me out! Then I look up and see my grampa John Wayne telling me to chill, so I do. Until some old lady calls and bitches me out about her Social Security check. Ahhh, customer service, indeed.

Before the big drowning fiasco Saturday, there was actually a pretty cool birthday party for Leo. Here he is showing off his awesome mp3 player from the coolest almost-aunt ever, a.k.a. me. He picked it out, so I can only take credit for paying for it and filling it with Foo Fighters and Michael Jackson songs.

Tomorrow's my first swimming lesson. Jeff said he's been YouTube-ing some tricks of the trade to make it easier for me. Sometimes he's so cute. Wish me luck!

Today turned really fucked up really fast.

I never made it to Minnie's party. I was at Leo's party and everyone was sitting around talking one minute and it seems like the next minute, there was CPR and paramedics and just all kinds of badness going on.

Mason is 4 years old. He kinda knows how to swim, but not really. He was sitting on Jeff's sister's lap, then got up to go play with a little girl by the pool. How he got in the pool, we don't even know. I guess he just fell in, or got knocked in by a bunch of running kids or something. One of the older kids found him a few minutes later laying at the bottom of the pool. He pulled him out and his lips were blue and he wasn't breathing and he had no pulse. Jeff's mom took a picture of him at 4:38 and at 4:45, we placed the 911 call. In a matter of minutes, he managed to walk away and drown and we all sat there knowing nothing.

Jeff's brother in law jumped into action and started CPR and was able to get him back to some shallow breathing by the time the paramedics got there. Once they roughed him up and got him outta shock, he was just screaming his head off. All I could do was stand there bawling. Seeing a kid literally die, then be revived before your eyes isn't something you're ready for on a Saturday afternoon. I don't understand how like 15 responsible adults can just be sitting around and yet no one saw this happen. No part of it makes sense.

The paramedics gave us this technical explanation of what actually happens to a baby when they drown, but I didn't get it. This cop came in and sat everyone down and said "Make no mistake, he DID drown. You're lucky you got to him when you did because even a minute later may have been too late." Then he made us all give statements about what we saw happen.

I was already in a weird frame of mind after reading about sudden tragic passing of Jen's mom. Then this happened. And it's all just a giant reminder of how fragile life really is. You're here one minute and you're gone the next and sometimes you can't do anything about it.

We're lucky because as far as we know, Mason's going to be okay. There may be some long-term effects of the lack of oxygen that we don't know about, but I think we got to him in enough time to save him from anything too terrible. Sixty seconds later, who knows? It's a terrifying thought.

Things like this just cement how I already feel about letting go of grudges and letting the people you care about know how much you love them. I tried to call my sister but she still won't answer my calls. Sucks.

My mantra for today:

Two birthday parties in one day! Well, technically, one birthday party, one birthday/retirement party.

Jeff's nephew Leo is turning 8 so it's a BBQ/Pool Partyyyy. The plan is to stay away from the pita chips and that cream cheesey dip they always make. Stick to the veggies and the watermelon and leave leave leave before the cake! I already took that kid to get his gift and we took him to Chili's on Wednesday, so I don't feel bad abandoning the party before happy birthday time.

Then I gotta run home and change clothes for Minnie's birthday party. You may remember Minnie from the tell-all post I did on Dina's blog then later deleted thanks to Jack giving me paranoia. Anyway, she's the nosy old lady at work. She's been planning this party since like fucking February. They invited over 500 people! It's also her husband's retirement party. I gotta go even though I really kinda don't wanna because I know it'll be all annoying and filled with people I don't know and I have to dress up and 50 other reasons including avoiding yummy yummy carne asada and awesome multi-tiered cake. UGH.

Technically, I can have SOME cake. I mean, I get 44 points. So I can eat healthy crap all day or like...nothing but cake. NO...alright, just say no. Just say no. Just say no.

Summer is easily the shitiest season ever invented.

I'm not dead or anything. I've just been in a hellacious shitstorm that made me pretty non-social. But here I am, so you can rest easy tonight, friends.

Here's something that sucks: I pulled a muscle in my leg. How, you might ask? Strength training? Jogging? Phooning?? Nope...just a'walkin'. In Sam's Club. I saw my future and it involves a lot of swearing and a motorized cart. I CAN NOT BECOME THE FAT LADY IN THE CART. No offense to fat ladies in carts, I think you're hardcore and all...I just don't wanna be you.

It fuckin' sucked, man. First off, I got a shopping cart, then I HAD to pee, so I went to do that. When I came out of the bathroom, some asshole had already taken my cart. ASSHOLES! Getting a new cart would have involved going back outside and flashing the stupid membership card and all that shit again, so I was like "eff it...I'm not getting that much stuff." So I'm walking along carrying a box of tuna pouches, a box of turkey burgers, and a pack of Sandwich Thins. I zero in on watermelons and start walking then it's like FUCK. It basically felt like a charlie horse...but like a big nasty one with a bad attitude. :(

I never had a charlie horse while I was standing up before so I'm all wtf? So I tried to walk it off, but that wasn't working at all. I just couldn't get the muscle to relax and it was hurting like a real son of a bitch with each step I took. And it stayed stuck like that for DAYS and DAYS. It's finally starting to loosen up now like a week later.

Needless to say, that shit scares me. I mean, when you pull a muscle working out or something, that's one thing. But when you pull a muscle just waddling your fat ass around a store, something is wrong, son. I see that I'm teetering on a dangerous edge here where my very mobility is at risk, and it's fucking with my head.

I went though a very weird depression where everything felt pretty hopeless. My family is all fucked up and my friends were mad at me and I was just being a miserable bitch because I was scared and insecure. I really do need to find a therapist...it's all getting a little ridiculous. I've called about five and I keep getting voicemails and no callbacks. What kinda way is this to do business? Maybe they're sitting there judging the patheticness of my voicemail messages and deciding they don't wanna get involved. Maybe I should make them more vague instead of yelling CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP into the reciever. And then leaving my phone number, of course...I'm not some crazy person, dudes. I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS! ...

Anyway, as far as dieting goes, I've been doing pretty good. My scale worked, though just barely. 404.8. It took about 40 tries to get it to read my weight, so I dunno how accurate it is. It could have been the scale's way of just trying to get me to stop torturing it. Either way...I will take it.

I'm still having a problem with POINTS disbursement. Too many left at night which is like a free pass to eat a bunch of bullshit right before bed. I think I need to see a nutritionist maybe. Who has time for all these fucking doctors with their stupid schedules?

So...next week, I'm supposed to learn how to swim. Pathetic, I know. But remember, I didn't learn to drive until I was 28 so I'm always a decade or so late on shit. Maybe next year, I'll try that "reading" thing I hear so much about. I wanna learn to swim because every doctor I go to is all "You know...you're pretty fat...maybe you should try swimming so you don't crush your knees trying to walk around like a regular person." And I mean, they're doctors, so they know their shit. But I doubt their interpretation of swimming is the same as mine, which is like, floating around holding on to a Noodle for dear life until you start to get pruney or the sun goes down. They prolly want me to like...move around and shit. So I'm gonna try to learn how to move around in the water without drowning and hopefully get over my OBSESSION about not getting water in my nose. (GOD I HATE IT!)

So that's life. Times are sucky, but they're getting better. I just wish it would hurry up and be Fall.