Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fat babies need the most love.

You know, until I was like 20, I didn't know I had a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I've always been fat, and I knew that. But I didn't really see it as a "problem", per se. Sure it sucked growing up fat, being called Fatty Patty (which to this day is why I won't even answer to Patty) and having no boyfriends in high school and missing out on just regular teenage stuff, but I just dealt with it as part of my life and moved on.

I never dieted. I ate what I wanted. My mom catered to my pickiness and let me get away with french fries as a primary vegetable. My dad tried to make me eat green beans once which ended in a plate of vomit, so that was the end of that. My life was chips and fried chicken and all the candy I could get my grubby mitts on. And I loved it.

I remember my mom taking me to a doctor once when I was like 8. I don't remember what I weighed, but I remember it was enough to make the doctor say "Oh honey. That's more than me!" Pfft. So? Skinny bitches always showing off! Anyway, my mom said that all her kids were fat, then they balanced out when they got older, which was a lie because my 14-year-old brother was still a tub at that time. Maybe she was just embarrassed about how big I was...I dunno. I remember leaving there and riding home with her in total silence and praying that she wasn't gonna do something drastic like put me on a diet. I really prayed for that.

She never mentioned it again. Maybe because putting me on a diet meant she'd have to be on one too and she didn't want that any more than I did. Of course, in hindsight, I wish she'd been more strict. Maybe she'd still be alive and I wouldn't be 400 freaking pounds.

Moving on, my first diet was at the age of 20. I was working at Bank One and me and some coworkers decided to try Atkins. Over the course of the next year, I lost 80 pounds. But this was my meal plan:

Breakfast: None
Lunch: None
3pm snack: One bag of Hot n Spicy Pork Rinds and a 20oz Diet Dr Pepper
Dinner: 40 chicken wings OR 1 pound of sliced brisket OR 1 whole rotisserie chicken

The only vegetable I ate was pickles. Lots of em.

But I was losing weight, so I still thought I was being pretty healthy. Once I lost some weight, oddly enough, I started making pals. The diet took a backseat to nights spent in bars drinking sugary shots and 3am pancake breakfasts. Needless to say, the weight started coming back. I gained 100 pounds over the next year. Suddenly I was fatter than ever and friendless again. Depressed. I tried several times over the next few months to get back on the Atkins bandwagon, but I always failed. I just didn't wanna do it anymore.

So I gave up on dieting again. I was back to being fat and "okay" with it. I met a guy and he was nice to me even though I was huge. What a concept.

Then I met his mom. She taught me about Weight Watchers and was really supportive of me getting healthy. With her help, I lost about 50 pounds. I don't even remember why I stopped, but of course I gained it all back plus more. Noticing a trend here? Since then, I've tried unsuccessfully to get back on plan. Promising Monday mornings that lead to disappointing Monday nights. I know it CAN work, it's just like...fuck...I don't wanna do it.

So now I'm here. Part of me is like "WW is a sensible plan, just do it." and the other part of me is like "Fuck points, dude." Ideally, I know that if I eat less and move more, I will probably lose weight. Do I need to count every calorie, every gram of fat? Probably. Because I lack a little something doctors like to call "self-control."

I gotta do something. Wild ideas run through my mind ranging from "only eat fruit for dinner!" to "wire your jaw shut!" I remember that Twilight Zone episode where the fat lady had special glasses made that makes all the food she's about to eat come to life and scream in terrified little voices "pleeeeeeeease don't eaaaaaaaat meeeee!" Where can I get those glasses?

This is long. I am fat. Need to diet. The end.


Doug said...

Thanks for sharing.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll find what works for you!!

Pam said...

Chica you are voicing exactly what so many of us feel! The problems started long ago and we never even knew there was a problem. But if somebody had tried to tell us, most of us just turned a deaf ear. Looking back sure I see things my mom could have done to prevent this, but since she's obese too I'm guessing that she was about as clueless as I was to the fact that there actually was a problem. I have two daughters (my son is skinny as a rail...go figure) and they're beautiful, but I can see that they are going to have the exact same struggles with weight as I do. No genetics are going to help them here. I'm the only one who can help them. I'm the only one who can help me. Sometimes it's so overwhelming I'd like to just lay down and just go to sleep. But if I do that, then I won't wake up. So since there's things I wanna do, I have to keep on keepin' on, you know? I saw this doctor guy on Oprah once (I don't watch Oprah and I don't like doctors), but he said something that really stuck in my head. He said "Every day you wake up is another day to start all over again." I've never heard anything more true and I keep it real close to me all the time.

arielcircleofnine said...

I like Pam's post...good job Pam! I think she's right, we all feel this way. Some moments of some days Im all, "YAY weight watchers, its working, its not so hard hey it even feels pretty good" and other moments of those same days Im like "fuck the points what the HELL is that about, I cant live like this forever but unless I do I'll gain and gain and where will I stop?"
I think its normal to have those arguments with ourselves--but I do believe the key is to start fresh constantly. If you mess up, and we all do, then commit to being better next meal or whatever. Ive fallen off the wagon and jumped right back on, Ive fallen off it and let it run me over several times LOL. I dunno, its a constant battle but unless we fight it we are sure to lose so.....onward!
PS.. I think your last entry and all those pics of that food made me hungry--Oh and I had my fun with low carb too----Just think, that hamburger crust pizza is low carb!! :-D

May said...

So basically, the two posts before mine said it all. Except, we used to have to get weighed at school and the nurse's eyes would get so big when she weighed me. Then we'd get back to class and the teacher would make us tell her our weight. It was always so humiliating and I remember thinking that she shouldnt do that...for kids like me of course.

Carlos said...

its like you reached inside of my brain and pulled out my internal dialog... don't forget to wash your hands!

wildfluffysheep said...

Man, arrived four posts too late! Echo what all the other guys said! It is gonna be a hard journey, a definite emotional rollercoaster but you know, you've got support right here!

Taking inspiration from one of my fave films (finding nemo) JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

Diana said...

Tricia, we are so much alike it's scary. I've gained and lost 100 pounds more times than I can count. I've done all the diets...some of them several times.

I hate counting Points. I hate worrying about my food all the time. And honestly, I f'ing hate to exercise. I know there's a lot of people that swear they LOVE to exercise. I even know some of them personally. Honestly, I think they're crazy. I can't relate that kind of pain to enjoyment.

Truth is, since you're like me you'll have to count every Point. I don't know of any other way to do it since we don't have that shut off valve like most people.

You know Tricia, I could easily weigh 400 pounds or more. I really could. I love food, I love to eat. Keeping it under control is just about the hardest thing I've ever done.

Don't give up. Keep trying. That's the key. :)

Mel said...

I was oblivious to my weight probably up until my early 20's...I just never thought about it. I knew I was fat.. never had a bf in HS.. had to go to a plus size store for my prom dress.. then in college I let parties, drinking, and sex help me avoid my weight issues. It finally all sunk in a few years ago.. the severity of it all.. the being 'OBESE'.. No one said or did anything to make me realize it.. I just did I guess.. even the obese label doesn't keep me motivated to do something. I feel like I'm half-assing my efforts sometimes.. but that's another story!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it all.. it really IS the hardest thing to do and I hope you keep working on it!

And thanks for the message you left on my mom post.. I knew there was a reason I came in contact with you.. Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm reading my own life's story when I read your blog ... I want to tell you that I was exactly where you are now a year ago. What changed for me was some therapy. I found a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and through her help I was able to figure out what role food plays in my life and to identify tiny baby steps to get me address things. It wasn't huge drastic stuff, just tiny stuff that snowballed and led to better behaviors and habits. Eventually, I was able to do WW and make it work -- I've been on it since July and have lost 44 pounds. I never would have been able to lose weight this slowly and stay on program before without her help. I'm still pretty f'd up sometimes, but I'm also a lot better. The thing that really helped me was this advice: the year is going to go by whether you work at it or not. So where do you want to be in a year? Anyway, my two cents.
Thank you for writing your blog!

eco said...

I was encouraged by you. Thank you for writing your blog!

WonderLori said...

Sweetie, I feel your pain. I still couldn't get a date standing outside a prison on work release day. And I'm 32! The pain of being a fat kid never goes away, does it? You're great, though, and you can do anything you want. I'm standing with you, little sister!

twinkelydots said...

MOving up

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