Thursday, May 21, 2009

Are you the creator of Hi & Lois, because you are making me laugh...

Far be it for me to say that the whole world is out to keep me fat, but all I can say is that when I'm dieting, the universe finds a way to offer me cake like EVERY FUCKING DAY. Where, I ask, was all this cake a week ago?

Tuesday was the 15th anniversary of the bank where I work. They come sliding in around 2pm with two giant Costco cakes and start handing out hefty pieces. I resisted at first, but did end up taking 3 bites of Mo's piece. I can't help it, cake is the perfect food. God invented it to turn frowns upside down, and it still works! Who am I to deny that kind of healing power?

Then yesterday one lady brought in cupcakes and man, you guys know how I feel about cupcakes. I was strong and said no, no thank you, please no, PLEASE STOP ASKING ME JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO SUFFER IN PEACE! All these food-pushers! Then she hit me with this line:

"But...I specifically made cupcakes instead of a cake because I know how much you love them!"

I can see my reputation preceeds me here. I can just see her standing around in her kitchen conspiring to keep me forever fat. "Oh, she wants to be on a diet, huh? Well, we'll see how long that lasts when I bring CUPCAKES! (manical laugh)" Foiled again. What can I say? I can't avoid my white guilt, it's ingrained. I only took a bite though. It wasn't all that! She should try harder.

So today's Jeff's mom's birthday which means not only do I have to say no to more cake, but I have to PAY for it too. Damn shame. I'm gonna buy the shittiest cake I see. If I can't have you, nobody can! (stab stab stab)

Then SUNDAY is like the mega-birthday blast since everyone in Jeff's dumb family seems to have a birthday in May. His nephew, neice, mom and brother-in-law. FOUR CAKES. That's stupid. Just because it's four people doesn't mean you need four cakes. It's still just one family. Dumbness. Starving children in Africa and here we are wasting perfectly good cake.

Side note: May is too expensive!

So...wish me luck against these sweet confectionary demons. Pray if you're into that sorta thing, Patron Saint of Buttercream, swallowed be thy name. I can do this. It's just cake! I'm a 400 pound dynamo and I refuse to be beat by some flour, sugar, and whatever else goes into cake. (Donna Reed, eat your heart out.)

I filled up on fat-free flavor-free styrofoam popcorn, so hopefully that will help.

Oh yeah, and Jeff invited his nephew over to play Dungeons and Dragons and now my whole apartment smells like nerd. Plus they're in there eating/drinking root beer floats and tater tots...awesome. It's kinda cute though, in a weird way. You can tell the kid is so obviously bored with all the explanations and crap because he's just spinning around in his chair going "uh huh...uh huh...oh, okay ...uh huh" I tried to explain to Jeff that it's less about D&D and more about just wanting to hang out with him, but he says I just don't get it. WHATEVER. Worst.uncle.ever!


Dina said...

Four cakes is not stupid! What is stupid is having to SHARE your birthday cake.

I make bomb ass cupcakes!

Kelly said...

I don't know why it hit me funny but I'm cracking up over you saying that chick should try harder to make better cupcakes. LOL

OK, my bday is in May too so where's my cake?! Yeah, I'm a cupcake slut too. Can't help it. Maybe I'll try to make some WW friendly ones. Red velvet sounds nice.

I'll offer a can of frosting to the Patron Saint of Buttercream for you.

TJ said...

My home has that nerd smell too. I think I also get whiffs of brain activity in my sleep. lol Nerds are sexy! lol

mmm gotta love the styrofoam popcorn! tasty treats!

I can do without cake in my life, but move outta my way if a cold cut platter enters the room! Im all over that!


Amalily said...

I will have my fingers crossed for you & all the cake goodness you have to deal with. I also enjoy cupcakes more then cake.

Tony said...

ugh, I hate to love cakes and cupcakes.

Druciana said...

I'm not a big cake fan, but if all of that cake comes with ice cream...

My hubby got bit by the D&D bug about 10 years ago. It just won't go away.

Amy said...

cake. I will eat your piece. Because I am just that kind of good person.

arielcircleofnine said...

I can usually turn down cake, unless its devils food with lots of delicious chocolatey frosting, then its ON!!!!!
And yes, at the she should try harder comment...its like you blow it, and just eat something you didnt intend to but on top of that didnt even ENJOY the shit? Thats the worst!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

Cupcakes=Crack. I love cupcakes...crap I need a cupcake now.

I've taken a new lease on bakegoods. If its home made, I'll take a sample. If its store bought, I pass. Although effing A there is something so yummy about Costco Cakes...well really the frosting. Probably because its made with Lard...seriously...lard.

tantra flower said...

Cupcakes are my weakness too.

I'm on day 21 of a 45 day sugar fast so, yeah, I'd pretty much dismember a person to get to a cupcake right now.

Sorry you've had so much temptation thrown your way. Taking three bites only was a smart idea.

WonderLori said...

Oh, dear Tricia. Cake is among one of God's greatest gifts. It's all about the moderation. Yeah, I know. Shut up, Lori. I'm really proud of you for just eating a few bites. I think that's even harder than just not having any at all. You are, indeed, the woman. Tell Jeff's fam to stop having birthdays all at once. Tell them it's just rude. Tell them I said so.

Chris H said...

When you are not on a diet... you can choose to eat the cakes or not.
When you are on a diet.. you are not SUPPOSED to eat the cakes... and that just makes you WANT TO!

mommie2lea said...

Yes, you are correct... cake is the perfect food. Followed closely by cookies, pie, milk chocolate and chased with a psycho cold glass of milk.

Now I am drooling on my shirt. Thanks.

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