So I went to Wal-mart on my lunch break with a pocketful of good intentions. But Wal-Mart took a dump in my pocket. Or maybe I took a dump in my own pocket? Either way, my pocket is full of poop and I didn't get what I wanted.
I went because I wanted to get one of those aerobic step thingies. Like, the little step thing, you know? I had this grand plan that I could set it up on the kitchen floor and every time I go into the kitchen, I'd make myself do 10 or 20 step-ups on it. Those would add up since the kitchen is my favorite place to be lately. And since I hate stairs so much, one of two things would happen: a) I would start to not hate stairs so much or b) I would just stop going to the kitchen. Win/win.
BUT...that stupid thing is 30$! I mean, it's just like...one step. Why's it cost so dang much? Truth be told, I was willing to give up my 30 bucks, but then I saw it has a 250-lb weight limit. Seriously? Thirty dollars for one step and it won't even hold my big ass.
I was thinking maybe I would just get it and push my luck. Then I started thinking about having to be in the 'Returns Line' all like "yeah, it says it holds up to 250 and I am only 220 as you can plainly see on my license here...so...yeah, I want my money back." Probably get arrested for fraud! (for the record: my license actually says 350, which is still a lie, but at least somewhat more believable.)
So then I saw a mini-trampoline. That was also 30 bucks. I hoisted it up into my cart only to find that the stupid thing also has a 250 weight limit. DAMMIT! It's official, I am too fat for exercise.
Determined to find SOMETHING that could accomodate this giant ass and my miserly budget, I kept walking. Hey, that's it...walking! I'll just get a pedometer. Surely the EARTH has a high enough weight limit to help me out here, so it's a fool-proof plan. I found a pedometer for only 5 bucks! Heck yeah, son.
So I get back to work, and burn some calories trying to bust into the inpenetrable force field of plastic protecting this thing. If only there were a pedometer for hands, I think to myself (alert the patent office!) I finally get in this fucking thing and realize I need a baby screwdriver to put the battery in. WHY IS THIS SO FRUSTRATING AND HARD?? This makes me wish exercise was never invented.
FINALLY, the battery is in. I clip it to my waistband (whoa nelly) and OFF I GO...to the printer. I count in my head...14 steps! I look down, can't see the thing...ugh. Push the boob over and crane the chins and there it is..."00001." WHAT? OH CRUEL FATE, HOW YOU MOCK ME!
How...do you make this shit work? I tried moving it...to the other hemisphere...didn't work. Tried clipping it on my shirt...no dice. Sigh. My bad for buying the cheapest pedometer in the world, probably. But I only want it to count steps, I'm not asking this thing to balance my checkbook (a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone!) I dunno what to do. FAT FOREVER! Not meant to be! A really good excuse! "I was going to go for a walk tonight but my pedometer doesn't work." That sounds slightly better than just saying I'm too lazy.
For real, how do I fix this shitty thing? Hepl!