Monday, May 11, 2009

I would walk 500 miles...but someone has to count!

So I went to Wal-mart on my lunch break with a pocketful of good intentions. But Wal-Mart took a dump in my pocket. Or maybe I took a dump in my own pocket? Either way, my pocket is full of poop and I didn't get what I wanted.

I went because I wanted to get one of those aerobic step thingies. Like, the little step thing, you know? I had this grand plan that I could set it up on the kitchen floor and every time I go into the kitchen, I'd make myself do 10 or 20 step-ups on it. Those would add up since the kitchen is my favorite place to be lately. And since I hate stairs so much, one of two things would happen: a) I would start to not hate stairs so much or b) I would just stop going to the kitchen. Win/win.

BUT...that stupid thing is 30$! I mean, it's just step. Why's it cost so dang much? Truth be told, I was willing to give up my 30 bucks, but then I saw it has a 250-lb weight limit. Seriously? Thirty dollars for one step and it won't even hold my big ass.

I was thinking maybe I would just get it and push my luck. Then I started thinking about having to be in the 'Returns Line' all like "yeah, it says it holds up to 250 and I am only 220 as you can plainly see on my license, I want my money back." Probably get arrested for fraud! (for the record: my license actually says 350, which is still a lie, but at least somewhat more believable.)

So then I saw a mini-trampoline. That was also 30 bucks. I hoisted it up into my cart only to find that the stupid thing also has a 250 weight limit. DAMMIT! It's official, I am too fat for exercise.

Determined to find SOMETHING that could accomodate this giant ass and my miserly budget, I kept walking. Hey, that's it...walking! I'll just get a pedometer. Surely the EARTH has a high enough weight limit to help me out here, so it's a fool-proof plan. I found a pedometer for only 5 bucks! Heck yeah, son.

So I get back to work, and burn some calories trying to bust into the inpenetrable force field of plastic protecting this thing. If only there were a pedometer for hands, I think to myself (alert the patent office!) I finally get in this fucking thing and realize I need a baby screwdriver to put the battery in. WHY IS THIS SO FRUSTRATING AND HARD?? This makes me wish exercise was never invented.

FINALLY, the battery is in. I clip it to my waistband (whoa nelly) and OFF I the printer. I count in my head...14 steps! I look down, can't see the thing...ugh. Push the boob over and crane the chins and there it is..."00001." WHAT? OH CRUEL FATE, HOW YOU MOCK ME! you make this shit work? I tried moving the other hemisphere...didn't work. Tried clipping it on my dice. Sigh. My bad for buying the cheapest pedometer in the world, probably. But I only want it to count steps, I'm not asking this thing to balance my checkbook (a curse I wouldn't wish on anyone!) I dunno what to do. FAT FOREVER! Not meant to be! A really good excuse! "I was going to go for a walk tonight but my pedometer doesn't work." That sounds slightly better than just saying I'm too lazy.

For real, how do I fix this shitty thing? Hepl!


big_mummy said...

seriously i have tears of laughter, i am so so with you.

pedometer thing. IMO, return it for being crap and get an OMRON pedometer. otherwise try, above hip, under belly button, above ass, between tits attached to bra, in pocket. if all those fail it truely is a piece of crap, and look on the bright side that you burnt of calories testing to see if it works.

Dina said...

Mine has like a few minute delay, then updates itself, it's not like it works in real time. So just stick with it. And I mean even if it says you got 40 steps, and you really counted 68, at least you will know what your average is for the day, and you can build from there.

And I think you'd be fine with the step. If it breaks just use it for a scratching post for the cat, mine seem to love to scratch the fuck out of it.

Druciana said...

Wow. That really sucks! I've never actually bought a pedometer, but now I know not to get the crappy $5 one at Wal-Mart.

Shelley said...

I used one about 4 years ago - you had to place it on your waistband directly above your hipbone (draw a line from the hipbone up). Um yeah? First I had to locate the damn hipbone under layers and layers of fat! I was so embarrassed - this was in a "get fit" program at the medical clinic where I worked. Needless to say I didn't last long in the program.

Sucks that all of the equipment has such a low weight limit. Of course, it's also hard to find workout clothes in plus sizes so you are right, we *can* be too fat to exercise!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

You know, with unemployment being at such high levels, maybe you could just hire a recent college graduate to walk behind you and count your steps.

I'd rather light a candle than curse the darkness.

Graciela said...

Holy Crap, Tricia, this is a seriously funny post. And then I read all the comments...your commenters are just as funny.

But sorry I can't help ya with how to make that "thing" mechanical skills here!

*Kristine* said...

I had the same problem trying to find a treadmill... all the damn weight limits. WTF? we're trying to lose weight why are there always speed bumps in the way?

PS I'm currently 378 and I use the STEP at the gym just fine. No one rushes up and yells NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you're toooooooooooooo bbbbiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig. Nor does it bow or bend as I get on and off :)

arielcircleofnine said...

I once got a free pedometer from I think Wendy's. Maybe it came with the salad? Or more likely with the triple with cheese, or the baconator?? Anyway, it was pretty cheap and the thing worked, I think! If yours doesnt start counting right, get a new one--walmart should be ashamed of itself!

TJ said...


you probably got a good workout traveling around walmart trying to find all that shit tho. lol When i want a good workout I so to super walmart. I gotta wear tennis shoes there! I leave sweatin!


45 and Aspiring said...

Oh, I so needed these laughs!

I'm with Big Mummy.. . buy an Omron. . . umm. . .they are about $30. I mean it. But, the thing is it will work in your pocket. A lot of the clip on ones won't work on heavier people because we tend to walk from our knees down, not from our hips (where the thing is clipped) so the steps don't register.

I have an Omron. You have to do a little calculation to first measure your step, but then you put that in and your weight so you get a more accurate count and calorie burn. It also shows aerobic steps (10+ min. straight without stopping) and saves your history for 7 days so you can compare.
Oh, and you'll still need that mini screwdriver for the battery. . . (the ones that come in glasses kits work).

Stormi said...

I've bought several of the $5 pedometers from Walmart. They've never broken or stopped working, it's just that my kitten likes the way they rattle and she keeps stealing them, so I have to buy new ones when they get lost.

It works fine for me clipped to my hip pocket, but if that doesn't work for you, try clipping it to your shoe.

Camevil said...

Sorry, no advice on the pedometer. I gave up on my cheapo model last year.

My deviant friend found a male submissive who cleans her house and offers himself as a footrest...for free. I'd say it's worth checking into.

Natasha said...

I read this post to my husband and I couldn't get through it all because I was laughing so much. I actually had tears in my eyes. I love your sense of humour. I know that pedometers need to rattle back and forth so that they can count your steps. I used to clip mine to my pocket because my muffin top held it firmly in place.

Anonymous said...

I'm dying with laughter right now! Not laughing at you, laughing with you!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I now look like an idiot for losing my shit laughing at work. Good job.

Isnt is amazing how many excercise products have weight limits? WTF is up with that.

We should all get together and design excercise products for fat people, we can be our own before and after pictures for advertisement purposes.

I use a GoWear Fit for my pedometer, its pretty pricey, but I love it. I have had two of the regular clip to my hip pedometers in the past, and they were sketchy at best. I'd be in the car and the thing would say that I had walked 100 steps but when I walked my dog a mile, I apparently only walked 500 steps. I say go with the Omicron

shine said...

I think the step was by far your best idea. I would go to home depot and get some wood or something and fashion your own step.

F them for making you feel too fat to exercise. I think a strongly worded letter is in order.

tantra flower said...

Making beautiful full-figured women feel bad about themselves is #2 on my list of 3948573 reasons why I hate Wal-mart. When I was at my heaviest, they didn't even sell underwear that would fit me. Assholes!

'Every clothing, sporting good and housewares item I have ever purchased from them has worn out or broke way too soon, or wasn't worth a crap in the first place' is reason #1 (and I take excellent care of my things...I'm OCD about it.) Add that to the effect that damn store has on small businesses (#3) and I am of the opinion that the CEOs of Wal-mart can seriously suck a rock for all I care. I haven't stepped foot in that store in years. I find stuff just as cheap by looking through my sales papers and using coupons.

Sorry you had that experience. :( (((BIG HUG)))

jh said...

Wal-mart sucks and your black humor around it is noble. Maybe go to home depot instead and get a step ladder. No weight limits and industrial cool my friend. Also, I have never gotten a pedometor to work. At all. Ever.


Kelly said...

"too fat for exercise" OMG, that is so funny and yeah I think I've said those words. Before it seemed that every single time I even thought about exercise (just the thought was enough) I would get sick or get hurt. It ook it as a clue from the universe that exercise is really bad for you and science would catch up one day to discover this little gem. I then found out that being fat means I can't breath because my boobs push the neck fat against my throat when I lay on my back. Hmmm.....exercise is looking better. ;-)

Don't give up on the pedometer.

wildfluffysheep said...

eurgh @ a pocket full of poop!

My omron pedometer, Paolo rocks. Though R.I.P Pedro. Sorry you're having trouble with yours... and the stoopid step thingy.

I think 'too fat for exercise' would make a great sticker.....

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