Friday, May 8, 2009

Miss you, C.

Ugh, crappy day.

I did stay within my points, kinda. I ate like, my weight in watermelon. But...it's watermelon! So eff it. I did pretty good today all things considered. We had our bi-yearly company BBQ at work today. Hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, cokes, and homemade ooey gooey chocolately pecany cookies. My boss walked by my desk with a plate of them up for the offering and I could only give her a "you're fucking kiddin' me, right?" look and shoo her away. Be gone, evil temptress!

Man, today sucks. I've been sad and like randomly misty-eyed all damn day. Today's the one year anniversary of my neice Crystal's death. Obviously, I can't stop thinking about her. And thinking about her means being sad. I miss her SO much. It's so weird that she's gone. Like, I dunno if I haven't fully accepted it or what. It was a whole year ago but it passed by so fast and the wound is still wide open and today was just like an avalanche of salt.

I haven't talked to my sister in over a month because of the whole firing my dad thing. I kept going back and forth on whether I should send flowers or call her or I dunno, send a card...something. Like as much as I think she can be an awful person sometimes, I also realize that she has had a pretty tragic life. And losing a daughter is just too fucked up for me to even comprehend, so I buried the hatchet. I sent her a flowering rose bush arrangement with a card telling her how proud I am of her for picking up the pieces.

At just after 2:00, I got a really long text message from her saying that she appreciates how I'm able to look past petty fights and know when my love is needed. I could tell how much the simple gesture meant to her and of course, my eyes instantly teared up while I was on the phone talking to some annoying customer. Probably not the best time to multi-task. It really showed me that even though sometimes I feel like a pushover for not holding grudges, in the long run, it's never worth it to me. There are two sides to every story, no matter how bad it can seem. I'll gladly take being a pushover to living a life of regret.

Anyway, I really do miss my neice a lot. She knew more about me than anyone in my family, even when we grew apart during our angsty teenage years. She was only 4 months younger than me, and when she died, it felt like so many memories of my childhood went with her. The good memories. She was always very tempermental and that was hard for me to deal with, but the good times made it all worth it. When she was just being Crystal, like, we would laugh until we couldn't breathe at just the dumbest shit. I really miss that. It's just hard.


It doesn't help that it's like 2 days before Mother's Day. Ugh, I hate this time of year. My neice and my mom were the only people in my life that I felt like I spent my childhood with. It just feels like it's all gone now. I dunno, I can't explain it.

Anyway, this is long. It was just a hard day.

14 comments:

Ang said...

((((tricia)))
may you wake tomorrow with the warm sun on your face and know that you are loved from the heavens above, and your niece is smiling upon you for making amends and staying close to her mother.

Monica said...

Ugh...I know its not the same thing at all but I lost my cousin back in January, she was only 30 and I have moments where I am overcome with sadness because I'll think of a certain memory or the realization that there will never be another Krista just hits me. It never gets easier. But I do agree with Ang, you did the right thing :)

Camevil said...

A year feels like yesterday when you lose someone so close. I could tell you that I know what it's like and go on about all my family and friends who passed on way before their prime, but it never really comes close to capturing your own life & experiences with her. I can only empathize deeply and say that, yeah, that's gotta hurt and I'm sorry. And I am sorry. She's a beautiful young woman. And losing a close relative really does suck...it's like you lost not only someone you loved deeply but also a part of yourself that you won't ever recapture. It's so special and gut-crushing at the same time.

I can't get over that picture. Her strong personality is as sparkling and vibrant and defiant as her stare.

Man...

wildfluffysheep said...

Those little cupcakes at the top are just the cutest.

Kudos on that LOOK. I hate evil temptresses...

Anniversarys of a loved one who has past is always tough. *hugs* And kudos to reaching out to your sister. I hear you on the pushover/regret thing. Me too.

*big massive teletubby hugs* hope things look up soon.

tantra flower said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Crystal sounds like an amazing person, I know it is hard for you to not have her around anymore. :(

And not holding grudges does not make you a pushover at all. Forgiveness is beautiful. All people screw up, we're all flawed, we all have our baggage and insecurities that make us not always be our best self, you know? Forgiving isn't saying that what they did is OK or that you are going to tolerate them doing it again, but rather that you accept that they are human and aren't going to let anger fester inside of you. Don't we all want to be forgiven? I can tell that you're a really good person. *hugs*

Shelley said...

You did a lovely thing for your sister. I'm so sorry for your loss - may your memories comfort you. Hugs to you, Tricia.

Pam said...

It's important to remember even if it's painful. It sounds like Crystal is safe in your heart. Everyone should be so loved.
And you grown-up you! Even though you have a streak of wild hair up yer ass defiance, you also have a strong sense of right and wrong. And a compassion that runs deep. I've seen people 90 years old who have never developed that sense of empathy and tolerance and it's tragic. You did good girl!
Watermelon? I call it FREE FOOD. For me that totally means I can eat as much as I want whenever I want. I can easily eat half of a watermelon if it's a good one. I say you're in the right mind frame when it comes to the sandia. WW has it wrong!
I hope today is a better one for you Tricia.

big_mummy said...

i know i just jumped on in here so i dont know the ins and outs but i am truely sorry for your loss- and i will also be thinking of you tomorrow. sounds like your sister really appreciated your gesture. you seem like such a lovely person, i would love a sister like you!

arielcircleofnine said...

Big HUGS coming your way. I have the same "pushover" label but you know what? In the end, relationships with others are all we have and give us the most joy and the best of memories (even with the inevitable ups and downs!). Family and friends are what its all about....you did the right thing with your sis!

Carlos said...

sucks sorry tricia

Julie said...

{{Big hugs}}
You should be proud of yourself to not waste energy to hold a grudge. It must be hard but your sis needed you and you stepped up. Way to go!!

CactusFreek said...

Good on you for swallowing your pride. That was quite brave of you :o)
I can't imagine how horrible it would be for you to have lost your niece when you were so close, But big hugs for you! [[HUGS]] :o/
And your weight in watermelon? You'd be shitting through the eye of a needle the next day i bet! lol

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Huge hugs for you...

Diana said...

Shucks Tricia - now I'm teared up too. Sorry about Crystal, she sounds like she was a very special person.

About your mom, I remember the story. I'm so sorry. I lost my mom four years ago. She was my very best friend and the only person that loved me unconditionally. The pain today is still as deep as it was four years ago. People say it gets easier...I'm still waiting. Perhaps it's a tiny bit less painful, but not much.

Take care of yourself. It's okay to remember them, and have a good cry that that they're gone. At least you have the memories...a lot of people don't even have that so in a way, we're lucky. :)

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