Ugh, crappy day.
I did stay within my points, kinda. I ate like, my weight in watermelon. But...it's watermelon! So eff it. I did pretty good today all things considered. We had our bi-yearly company BBQ at work today. Hamburgers, hot dogs, chips, cokes, and homemade ooey gooey chocolately pecany cookies. My boss walked by my desk with a plate of them up for the offering and I could only give her a "you're fucking kiddin' me, right?" look and shoo her away. Be gone, evil temptress!
Man, today sucks. I've been sad and like randomly misty-eyed all damn day. Today's the one year anniversary of my neice Crystal's death. Obviously, I can't stop thinking about her. And thinking about her means being sad. I miss her SO much. It's so weird that she's gone. Like, I dunno if I haven't fully accepted it or what. It was a whole year ago but it passed by so fast and the wound is still wide open and today was just like an avalanche of salt.
I haven't talked to my sister in over a month because of the whole firing my dad thing. I kept going back and forth on whether I should send flowers or call her or I dunno, send a card...something. Like as much as I think she can be an awful person sometimes, I also realize that she has had a pretty tragic life. And losing a daughter is just too fucked up for me to even comprehend, so I buried the hatchet. I sent her a flowering rose bush arrangement with a card telling her how proud I am of her for picking up the pieces.
At just after 2:00, I got a really long text message from her saying that she appreciates how I'm able to look past petty fights and know when my love is needed. I could tell how much the simple gesture meant to her and of course, my eyes instantly teared up while I was on the phone talking to some annoying customer. Probably not the best time to multi-task. It really showed me that even though sometimes I feel like a pushover for not holding grudges, in the long run, it's never worth it to me. There are two sides to every story, no matter how bad it can seem. I'll gladly take being a pushover to living a life of regret.
Anyway, I really do miss my neice a lot. She knew more about me than anyone in my family, even when we grew apart during our angsty teenage years. She was only 4 months younger than me, and when she died, it felt like so many memories of my childhood went with her. The good memories. She was always very tempermental and that was hard for me to deal with, but the good times made it all worth it. When she was just being Crystal, like, we would laugh until we couldn't breathe at just the dumbest shit. I really miss that. It's just hard.
It doesn't help that it's like 2 days before Mother's Day. Ugh, I hate this time of year. My neice and my mom were the only people in my life that I felt like I spent my childhood with. It just feels like it's all gone now. I dunno, I can't explain it.
Anyway, this is long. It was just a hard day.