Thursday, July 30, 2009

Summer is easily the shitiest season ever invented.

I'm not dead or anything. I've just been in a hellacious shitstorm that made me pretty non-social. But here I am, so you can rest easy tonight, friends.

Here's something that sucks: I pulled a muscle in my leg. How, you might ask? Strength training? Jogging? Phooning?? Nope...just a'walkin'. In Sam's Club. I saw my future and it involves a lot of swearing and a motorized cart. I CAN NOT BECOME THE FAT LADY IN THE CART. No offense to fat ladies in carts, I think you're hardcore and all...I just don't wanna be you.

It fuckin' sucked, man. First off, I got a shopping cart, then I HAD to pee, so I went to do that. When I came out of the bathroom, some asshole had already taken my cart. ASSHOLES! Getting a new cart would have involved going back outside and flashing the stupid membership card and all that shit again, so I was like "eff it...I'm not getting that much stuff." So I'm walking along carrying a box of tuna pouches, a box of turkey burgers, and a pack of Sandwich Thins. I zero in on watermelons and start walking then it's like FUCK. It basically felt like a charlie horse...but like a big nasty one with a bad attitude. :(

I never had a charlie horse while I was standing up before so I'm all wtf? So I tried to walk it off, but that wasn't working at all. I just couldn't get the muscle to relax and it was hurting like a real son of a bitch with each step I took. And it stayed stuck like that for DAYS and DAYS. It's finally starting to loosen up now like a week later.

Needless to say, that shit scares me. I mean, when you pull a muscle working out or something, that's one thing. But when you pull a muscle just waddling your fat ass around a store, something is wrong, son. I see that I'm teetering on a dangerous edge here where my very mobility is at risk, and it's fucking with my head.

I went though a very weird depression where everything felt pretty hopeless. My family is all fucked up and my friends were mad at me and I was just being a miserable bitch because I was scared and insecure. I really do need to find a's all getting a little ridiculous. I've called about five and I keep getting voicemails and no callbacks. What kinda way is this to do business? Maybe they're sitting there judging the patheticness of my voicemail messages and deciding they don't wanna get involved. Maybe I should make them more vague instead of yelling CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP into the reciever. And then leaving my phone number, of course...I'm not some crazy person, dudes. I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS! ...

Anyway, as far as dieting goes, I've been doing pretty good. My scale worked, though just barely. 404.8. It took about 40 tries to get it to read my weight, so I dunno how accurate it is. It could have been the scale's way of just trying to get me to stop torturing it. Either way...I will take it.

I'm still having a problem with POINTS disbursement. Too many left at night which is like a free pass to eat a bunch of bullshit right before bed. I think I need to see a nutritionist maybe. Who has time for all these fucking doctors with their stupid schedules? week, I'm supposed to learn how to swim. Pathetic, I know. But remember, I didn't learn to drive until I was 28 so I'm always a decade or so late on shit. Maybe next year, I'll try that "reading" thing I hear so much about. I wanna learn to swim because every doctor I go to is all "You're pretty fat...maybe you should try swimming so you don't crush your knees trying to walk around like a regular person." And I mean, they're doctors, so they know their shit. But I doubt their interpretation of swimming is the same as mine, which is like, floating around holding on to a Noodle for dear life until you start to get pruney or the sun goes down. They prolly want me to like...move around and shit. So I'm gonna try to learn how to move around in the water without drowning and hopefully get over my OBSESSION about not getting water in my nose. (GOD I HATE IT!)

So that's life. Times are sucky, but they're getting better. I just wish it would hurry up and be Fall.


bbubblyb said...

Glad you're feeling a little better hope things continue to improve. Wish my Dr. Nutter lived close you would love him (that really is his name) lol. Good luck with finding someone. Sorry to hear about your leg hope it gets to feeling better. I've had that happen to me before and it seems to magically go away kind of like how it came.

Sara said...

I missed you Tricia!

I'm sorry about your leg--that sounds like an exquisite pain that you could live without. I think that sometimes it's not the things that we want for ourselves that motivate us as it is the things we absolutely do NOT want that finally push is in the right direction. "I CAN NOT BECOME THE FAT LADY IN THE CART" is everything a goal should be, specific, direct, emphatic, and attainable.

For your upcoming foray into the world of chlorinated water, maybe you could get one of those flesh colored nose clothespin things on a rubber strap so that you can seal your nostrils shut. It'd keep water from migrating into your sinuses and also make you sound funny when you talked with it on. Win-win!

Anonymous said...

I don't know how to say this. Your sucky time is my entertainment? God, you're funny. You really do need your own show. Thanks for making me laugh. And, cheers to the folks on motorized carts. May they motor on, motor on.

Losing Waist! said...

Just like Dawn, I found a fantastic therapist last year (now I am addicted)... I would recommend looking for a group of therapists, or a center... something like that. The place I go to has like seven in one building, plenty to go around-

I couldn't have started losing weight consistently without therapy. I am glad to hear that you are looking into it!

Take care of your leg... I am a fucking nightmare klutz, and have injured myself doing nothing (the latest injury is the result of a dark hallway, and sideswiping a lightswitch- it is fucking black and blue NOJOKE).

Monica said...

Tricia, Im so glad youre back, but Im sorry youve been having a sucky time.

I hope it all gets better soon.

TJ said...

Your walk though Sams reminds me of the new Jack in the Box commercial for some reason. I laugh each time I see that one! Im sorry about your leg! OUCH! We have missed ya and yes I wish it was fall as well. Summer sucks.
Its a great idea to go talk to someone! I have to go at the end of next month as part of the pain management class that I am in. They have to make sure Im not nuts or something like that...humm. lol :) Sending ya hugs my friend! :)

S. said...

I hate summer too...but I'm really glad I found your blog!

Anonymous said...

Lauren here. aka twinkelydots. Remember the Seinfeld where George starts riding the cart? Funny stuff.
Find a therapist now. Seriously. Or find a mic & start doing stand up. It was great therapy for me & I got paid for it. You can write jokes & people will buy them. You gotta gift that you should run with. Wait. Ride the cart with.

Shelley said...

I've been wondering and worried about you - I'm glad you posted. So sorry about your leg - pain sucks. I hope it gets to feeling better quickly!

You know, I wonder if you need a lot of structure with your diet - like "eat this at this time, and then this snack at this time" etc. etc. - so you can get your points eaten in a reasonable time frame. I think that's why my workouts well, work for me, because someone else is telling me what to do and I just do it - no thinking, no planning which muscles to work on - they do all the head work for me and as long as I show up, it's all good. This might work for your eating.

I'm sorry life has been so rough for you. But you're still one of the funniest people I've "met" and I love you. Hang in there, sweets.

Diana said...

Glad you're still alive, you scared me!

No advice for you because I know you know what you need to do. It's tough, I know. I live with the struggle every day. Me against the food. Appears it's a lifelong battle for us. Just don't give up the fight. Those electric wheelchair things aren't all they're cracked up to be.

@eloh said...

Hang in there. Gotta be better days ahead.

cmoursler said...

you get a cart, the next step is the grab pole. and nobody wants the grab pole. get to swimming chica. feel better.

screwdestiny said...

Oh man, Tricia, you are TOO funny. I seriously wish I was half as funny as you. My abs are hurting from laughing so much at that post. And I feel bad because that's really crappy about your leg, and I hope it gets better soon. But I think you meant to make most of it funny, so yeah, good job. :-D Don't go so long between posts again, I did quite miss them.

Dina said...

If you do end up in a cart, I will get you a pole, with a giant American flag on the end, so you can be patriotic, you know.

Try calling at different times, like right before you leave for work, when you are at your most perky.

I love getting water in my nose, hence the Neti pot.

Tantra Flower said...

I'm glad you are alive. I'm not going to get after you for not writing me back because I know you're going through a tough time right now. I hope you do find the right therapist. I credit my therapist for keeping me sane after my asshat ex-husband did what he did. I've also been to therapy for driving phobias and to help me quit smoking almost six years ago. Basically, I'm saying I highly recommend it. Just keep calling around and the therapist that is right for you will call you back. Put some trust in the universe, at least on this.

I agree that you should consider writing jokes, Tricia. You have a gift.

Just please hang in there. It's hard to make healthy choices in the face of so much adversity, but you can do it. (((hugs)))

Roxie said...

Hi Tricia - wanted to stop by and thank you for posting on my blog.

My God you are funny! I look forward to reading more about you here on your blog.

As for the therapist, keep after it until you find one you like. I have found them to be incredibly helpful. Finding a good therapist was one of the nicest and kindest thing I ever did for me. Good luck with you search!

She-Fit said...

WOW! Sorry to hear about your leg... that's no fun. Good luck learning how to swim. Looking forward to hearing how it goes.

Have a great weekend!

Julie said...

Sounds like shitty times. Hang in there friend you will be fine.

Oh and my piece of advice... buy a noseplug.

*Fitcetera* said...

"I was just being a miserable bitch because I was scared and insecure." ~~ oh man, I just lost a potential great friend over this, like yesterday. I really feel your pain over shit like this.
I have a therapist and obviously it works better when you actually go see them *note to self*
Hope your leg gets better soon and yeah, that's scary stuff.
I agree with everyone here ... your humour is a gift.
I can't tell you how many times I've read your stuff and LOLd and you made me feel better when I was having a shitty day.
You may not know it ... but you help more people than you realize.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I can help with swim lessons if you'd like. My dad had an interesting "tell you what to do then chunk you in the lake" method that is oddly effective. Still looking forward to his oncoming dementia so I can start feeding him Alpo out of the can...

On a serious note, I'm sure however many therapists there are in Vegas, there isn't enough for all the f*cked-up folks out there. Keep trying... and I hope you will continue on with the swimming plans. It's low-impact on the knees and joints, but great over-all exercise (unless you drown, then the health benefits are somewhat minimized).

And last thing... don't leave us hanging for a week like that again. I really was thinking about cancelling my subscription...

Carlos said...

you could totally pimp that cart out with 22s and a kickin' sound system... glad your leg is better and you are like learning new water type shit

Camevil said...

These shitstorms are situational, and like storms will pass. Not saying things will suddenly be sunny and golden, just not as shitty. No?

Therapy is a good thing, and glad that you clearly have the sense to recognize that. I've done therapy and it really, really helped. I kick myself when I realize that I could've done it sooner. Don't take the unanswered calls seriously. I have a system that I only return calls during certain hours since my day is spent in court or in consultation. Unless, like, your were really nasty or something.

I don't swim much because I puke at the taste of chlorine. *shudders*

TjRenee said...

Well, I knew you hadn't died but I hated not knowing what the hell was up. Sorry about the charlie horse thingy. Sounds painful.

Hope you find a therapist soon that will give you a callback. Kind of fucked up that you haven't gotten one yet. Shit!

Hang in there girly! Can I help Dina decorate your cart? Pretty please? hehehe

Julie said...

I just stumbled across your blog and you completely made me laugh! Sounds like the kind of thing that happens to me. Just what I needed!

wildfluffysheep said...

Oh man. Sucky on the leg injury. Hope it gets on the mend soon. I hate getting water in my nose. Really sucks goat arse!

Did you get my card?

I kinda want a cart to ride around... knocking over the old people and tooting my horn. OUTTA MY WAY BITCH.

MackAttack said...

Yuck! That sucks, it's how I felt when I sprained my ankle, twice, and got DVT. Embarrassed. Swimming is great, especially since you don't feel yourself sweat. I hate sweating.

arielcircleofnine said...

I wonder how that horse charlie got his name?? Charlie sounds like a real nice friendly dude to me. Those fuckin things HURT--Ive been having some odd battles with them at night myself in both calves. Not even sure WHY as I havent been working out persay, just more active as in walking a little since Im a bum now and not chained to my computer chair. I got one in the middle of the evening last nite, it was mild though, not painful but it happened!!! I was just standing there. Me being me, I Googled and figure drinking some extra H2O and maybe a low cal Gatorade or two couldnt hurt. But I (literally) feel your pain on that one!

Sorry to hear bout the sucky sister action and that you're feeling like shit!! Get thee to therapy and into a pool my sweet! :-)
Oh and yeah, I am praying for Fall too and we arent anywhere near as hot as vegas!!!!!!!!!

anne h said...

Hope your leg get better. You have a way with words.

HopeFool said...

We have so much in common, and I'm sorry.
Depression, water-in-the-nose-phobia, chronic too-many-points-at-the-end-of-the-day-itis, and I once sprained my ankle and ended up on crutches. How did I sprain it? I don't know. I was napping when it happened.

And yep. We got the all the upstairs floors done. 3 bedrooms, the hallway and the office. Woot. I'd start on the first floor if we weren't so broke.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Wow Tricia...that's some post lady.

I'm happy to hear your leg's getting better! I have a recurring issue with my back muscles. I hate it and totally feel your pain!

I'm sorry to hear about the therapy bitches. Someone needs to get their shit together and help you! I'm certainly not a professional, but I am a pretty good listener if you ever need to talk.

I love that you're stickin to the diet and learning how to swim! Good for you hon!

Lorie said...

I will never ride on of those carts because I'm fat and I will never have short old lady hair......two of my life goals.

Have fun in the water!! Who knows, you might actually enjoy it! :)

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