Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I still hate Fred Durst.

Dear Dr. Atkins:

I fear that I have failed you yet again. I ate some pretzels.

All apologies,
Tricia

P.S. It wasn't my fault!

We had our semi-annual blood drive at work today and I usually always donate because a) it gets me off the phone for like a good half-hour... b) you usually get some free tickets to something ...and c) saving lives and whatnot. My dad practically lived on transfused blood through most of the 80s so I feel as though it's my karmic duty to pay a little back.

Well I went in there to do the interview thing where they ask you 5 million questions about whether or not you've even been to Mexico or fucked a prostitute or had sex with a man who had sex with another man. (no, no, yes, respectively. kidding...kinda.) Anywho the lady was like "you qualify to donate red blood cells, we would love for you to do that if you have a little extra time." For some reason, this came across to me like I just won some grand award or something. Extra time off the phone? Yes please.

Of course, I didn't know she meant TWO FREAKING HOURS. It wouldn't have really taken that long but the dude on the machine before me was what the lady lovingly called a "slow bleeder" so I had to wait around for a brick of time. Luckily for me, my daily aspirin makes me a "good bleeder" so if there's ever a contest over who can bleed to death the fastest, I got that shit in the bag. THE BODY BAG, that is! See what I did there? eh eh?

My boss kept coming in there like doing that thing people do where they look at their wrist like they're wearing some imaginary watch and saying "still??" Jesus lady, I'm bleeding as fast as I can!

Anyway, the process is like they take 2 pints, then put some saline or some junk in there and then the machine separates your red blood cells then gives you back your useless stinkin' blood. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt super weird the rest of the day. Like anytime I would stand up, I'd have a wicked head rush. My boss was like "you look pale, you should eat some cookies." I was all "no sir, no carbies!" Then I started to get the major woozies so I compromised and had a baggie of pretzels. 23g of carbs, so not TERRIBLE...but still. I forgive myself cause it's better than fainting and getting clowned at work.

So yeah, usually they give us like some pretty good show tickets for doing this jazz. This time they gave us a freaking tshirt and a certificate for a dang cookie. A COOKIE?? C'mon! I mean, I love cookies, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather have those Penn & Teller tickets they were giving out LAST month. Oh well.

Plus the shirt was like an XL...yeah right...how 'bout you add about 5 more Xs on there and we can talk? I stuffed my wide body in there like ground pork into a sausage casing so I could show you guys. Is that love or WHAT?


Yeah, that's Jeff's bathroom, and yes, he had just got off the toilet. Before you even ax. I don't care, I literally have no shame.
So that was my day. Now tell me about yours!
ALSO...you know, my work has like some of the comment boxes disabled and since I do most of my blog reading at work, sometimes I never get to comment some of you peeps. I dunno what the application is that's making it block or else I'd ask you all to kindly remove it. I just don't want you cats thinkin' I'm some stuck up bitch who thinks she's too cool to comment. So...yeah.

28 comments:

Irene said...

you are very funny...Loved it!!
Irene

wildfluffysheep said...

BLOOD SISTERS BOO YAH
i was super worried the table would collapse! but it held! both me and my sister were deeemed trouble 'cause they couldnt find a solid vein! and our beds had to be turned round.

big_mummy said...

whats with everyone wanting to bleed?? im a fast bleeder to, race ya.

Camevil said...

I have mixed feelings about that shirt. On the one hand, it's a totally appropriate perversion of that lame-o Limp Bizkit song. Yay. On the other hand, it references that lame-o Limp Bizkit song. Boo.

I cannot believe they gave you a certificate for a cookie. There used to be a time when they gave out tons of cookies while you were donating. And here, you gave plasma. Burn.

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

My hubby loves (well, kinda) to donate because of the cookies and orange juice. I always thought was a weird combination!

screwdestiny said...

That shirt is hawt. But I concur, a gift certificate for a cookie is hella lame. Who's gonna actually claim that? Anywho, your post was very funny. Thanks for the laugh.

Amy H. said...

I fainted once donating blood. It wasn't all dramatic like, I just sorta sat down slowly and was woozy. Man, those needles are big. You always make me laugh - thanks.

arielcircleofnine said...

Hey! maybe thats how Dr. Atkins died......gave blood and and then flat out refused to eat even one carb!? He did fall down and crack his head on the sidewalk yanno! (yah I tell horribly inappropriate jokes. Or just horrible ones!)
Those are some lame-o consolation prizes for waiting around for 2 hours and bleeding out!

amanda said...

I can never donate blood - the concept is wonderful - but I would prefer to not donate then pass out when I saw the needle. Oh yeah, and I have the veins of a 90 year old woman - Thanks veins!

*Fitcetera* said...

thank you for lovingly stuffing yourself in to the t-shirt :D

*Fitcetera* said...

p.s. you lovingly don't look stuffed in to it. it looks like it fits.

AidynsMom said...

Your blog is hilarious. I always look forward to reading it. I actually back stalking you a couple weeks ago and got busted at work. Yay for being a slacker! Anyway, keep 'em coming! :)

Allison said...

Love.that.T-shirt. Even though you totally should've gotten tickets for the amount of blood you gave and time you waited.

Sara said...

Now I'm just pissed off--because I give double red blood cells 4 times per year, and not only do I have to drive to the red cross donation center to do it, but all I ever get is a package of Lorna Doone's and 45 minutes of awkward conversation with the profusionist dude who always wants to talk at length about what I'm listening to on my iPod because apparently he doesn't understand the irony of talking to someone about the thing they're listening to instead of you WHILE they're listening to it.

Where's my "I saved 6 lives today and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt" reward, huh?

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I tried to donate blood, but they insisted that it had to be my own. Great! What am I gonna do with these buckets of blood now?

Carlos said...

what kinda cookie?

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I'm terrified of needles. Seriously. I tried giving blood with Hubs once and started hyperventilating during the interview. They told me to bugger off and have a cookie anyway lol.

Deborah said...

Hey, the XL shirt fits pretty good. I wish I could give blood, I get woozy and almost pass out.

Stages of Change said...

Fun post as always.

However,I must say that the one thing that stands out above all of the bi-sexual boyfriend(s), XL cookie tee that looks like it fits, lame blood-giving prize, boss pestering, and carb eating, is that man, I really, really hate that Limp Bizkit song.

And Fred Durst is a douchenozzle

Pam said...

jejeje. Girl you crack me up. 'nuff said.

Gigi said...

You are so funny - without shame and all.

Amy said...

I LOVE that shirt, but I love your animal print bra more. Hee.....

Eh. You had some crabs. Tomorrow will be better. :)

Amy said...

haaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaa.......I just reread my comment. I didn't really mean you had crabs.

crabs....carbs....same difference..

Lorie said...

Thank you for the laugh today...I so needed it!!

Your shirt is very slimming.... :)

bbubblyb said...

I agree that it looks like it fits fine to me. Way to go on giving blood.

Dana (www.eatsleepgetfit.com) said...

YAY for saving lives!!!

_bri_ said...

haven't donated blood but for some reason I have my mind set that when I do it.. it may leave me cranky as hell after.. yeah. idk.
new subscriber..
I think you are hilarious... :D
and I'm cheering for you here..

LAF said...

I work on the phones too so I can totally relate to being up for any diversion. This was an excellent one!

Post a Comment