Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hari kari.

Had therapy again yesterday. She gave me this workbook to do to assess my depression, and apparently, it's severe. Although I can't imagine taking those stupid tests and ending up with anything less than severe. Maybe I'm just crazy to think that everyone's at least a little depressed. The world is pretty sucky, especially lately, and if you're walking around with some perma-smile just loving life, then maybe YOU'RE the weird one.

Or maybe I'm just a downer...who's to say?

Anyway, I finally realized that if there's some drug out there that can make me not be sad, I want to take it. I dunno why I fought it for so long. So I was all geared up to start some new happy-pill-regimin today, but she didn't even prescribe me anything! She said I need to see a psychiatrist first? Stupid me, I thought that's what SHE was.

So now I gotta wait until next Wednesday to go see some dude to see if I should take pills, even though she already told me I should. Makes no sense to me, but then again, I'm clearly crazy, people.

I already feel a little better, though I don't think it's because of therapy. As soon as I see that lady's face, I start crying. Turns out I have a lot of daddy surprise there. But at least my days seem a little brighter lately. Still eating like a cow though. That part sucks. My jeans are so damn tight...the doctor asks if I ever think about suicide and I wonder if she means about how I stop breathing when I zip up my jeans? If that counts, then yes, all the time.


Katy said...

I know things will get better...I KNOW they will.

meleemistress said...

You've already taken the most important step, which is to get help. It won't always be easy from here on out, but you aren't willing to be complacent about your current situation and that's what counts.

Whether it's through meds or some other method, I hope you find a way to cope with your depression, and I wish you all the best. It's no fun, and it's not easy, and so many people really don't understand.

Happy Fun Pants said...

Hey - just a heads up. When you go and see the psychiatrist, just remember that that person is a doctor. As in, kind of douchie. You sit on their couch/seat and they're all "Tell me in 5 minutes what's wrong with you." and they're not as compassionate as your therapist is.

BUT they have the it's kind of like the little tiny bit of uncomfortableness that helps you get the help that you need.

And if you have dad issues like I do, if you see him (and he's a male), then it feels all dismissive when you sit on his couch and cry your eyes out and he's all "that's too bad. Anyway, here are pills."

But the thing is, after you get the meds in the right dosage, you only have to see them every once in awhile. Your therapist is your guide through all of the emotional landmines and she will help you through all of this.

I just don't want you to get discouraged when you meet the douche canoe. Then again, maybe he won't be like that at all.

Just remember, he's the guy with the pills...and your therapist is the one that has the people skills.

Also? I am so proud of you for making your life better by doing this.

You deserve a LOT of kudos.

Yay you! :)

TJ said...

First off- it is OK to go speak to someone, and I do too! I also cry as soon as I sit down. who cares! :)

Second...also OK to take a RX to make your day a little brighter. I have needed a lil pill help once or twice in my life and it helped me see things differently. Made me feel better! :)

I am proud of you for going to talk to someone! :) Big hugs T! :)

Big Clyde said...

You are working on you...awesome. It might sound cliche, but claim it as some improvement. I think you have to fix your head, before you can get too far with the body.

I have been medicating my emotions all my life. With food. That has made me unhealthy. If happy pills from a real doctor can help you AND make you more healthy, then that is a good plan.

Keep at it, girl. You are doing the right stuff. I'm with you.

Deborah said...

Your therapist probably can't prescribe meds, thats why she's sending you to the shrink. Give yourself kudos for having the courage to seek help. I admire you for that because I don't. Hang in there.

LAF said...

Hey, even Austin Powers has Daddy issues! Way to be willing to face those feelings as it's never easy.

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

I agree with what's been posted, the fact that you are GETTING help is outstanding. Unlike some of us who "try" to figure it out ourselves only to keep getting more depressed. I see nothing wrong with meds as long as they are legal and they actually HELP! Seriously, if you haven't already emailed me your address, please do. If you think it will help!!

POD said...

Suicide by holding your breath & pants zipper had to be the funniest freakin line I've read in ages.

I should have reminded you about psychiatrists. Psychologists cannot prescribe meds. Only psychiatrists so far can prescribe. Is your therapist an MFT (marriage, Family) or what? Is she a street person with a cardboard sign?

Plus I disagree with Happy Fun Pants. My psychiatrist is a nut, he's gay, he's super compassionate and he was once very overweight though now he's thin and I hate him. He can still prescribe meds and understand what it feels like to be human. I go to mine both for drugs and therapy and sometimes those MFT people are just listeningheads.

arielcircleofnine said...

Good to see you posting. I had to laugh at "meet the douche canoe" though. Its so true that many medical people dont have any people skills, but sometimes they're pretty decent.

You know something about the tight jeans--one good thing is that you're not ditching them for sweats. Thats something I did recently. I mean, I threw out my "fat clothes" and then when I gained some weight back (who would've thunk it?!!?)I had to pull on the stretchy stuff. I figured running around nude might get me into a bit of trouble. BLAH!
You'll be back on track soon enough with the physical stuff....HUGS

screwdestiny said...

No, depression is not a normal state of being. Yeah, there are things that get people down, but actually being even mildly depressed all the time, that's not normal. It's good that you're seeking help for it because you definitely deserve to be happy. Just keep working on you, and things will get better. :)

Sweeter than Sugar said...

Hey, on the bright side you seem to have kept your sense of humour! ;o)

Kim said...

Tricia, I've been where you are...exactly the same place. I had a lot of dad issues too...and I cried a lot during therapy. It's a good thing really is. I've went through the whole "crying at the drop of a hat" and then the whole "suppression" thing...the crying definitely beats supression. I'll take crying any day b/c I went so long w/o being able to cry.
I'm not a feely type of person so I felt weird opening up--still do although at this point in my life I'm finding it a bit better b/c I finally realized something. Everybody feels the same things I do. Someone can act like they are "normal" and have "no problems" and it's bullshit. All people have some sort of hurt or baggage. Even if they've worked through still sneaks up somewhere in their lives. Everyone has been under the microscope sometime in their lives and everyone has been depressed. I'm finding that out for myself currently. The important thing to remember is to stay open to the process even if you feel like hiding in a corner somewhere and if you get nervous about talking to the shrink...just remember they are therapists for personal reasons too. Chances are they went through a bad situation and have had therapy themselves. My very first mentor was abused and went through the same childhood I had. She works as a therapist now for Hospice. Oh, and medicine can be a good thing. It'll allow you to feel a bit more level headed when working through some of the harder issues. Been there, done that--got the t-shirt. :)((hugs)) to you and I hope things get better. I'll read your blog no matter what and you don't have to be the funny girl--will like you just the way you are. :)

poisoncr8zylush said...

Keep on trucking Tricia. You are wonderful and I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

I know medication can do wonders for some people. Hope you find something that works so you can be happy!


Stages of Change said...

Not to go all Tom Cruise on you...

(jumps on couch)

(couch breaks immediately)

...not 100% sure about the drugs.

Anybody with serious issues in their past and serious problems in their present is going to be depressed. Every person I met at rehab was depressed.

I'm not against therapy at all, I'm incredibly supportive of it.

And I'm not even necessarily against pharmaceutical solutions to emotional/mental ailments.

But, here's my unsolicited two cents: I have major trauma in my past, and have been a morbidly obese alcoholic all my life. So, the fact that I've been depressed for years doesn't surprise me. What also doesn't surprise me is that after a month, or sometimes even less, of investing in positively growing my emotional/mental/spiritual/physical/etc. health (reading uplifting books, therapy, AA, exercise, eating well, consciously focusing on the positive and the now, etc.) I don't feel depressed anymore.

It can come back, but it never does unless I stop doing things that help me, and start doing things that hurt me.

I know there is clinical depression that befalls people regardless of circumstance, but I also know, that there is a clear plan of actions any of us, regardless of issues, can take to gain healing naturally, and I tend to believe that doing that is much better.

It fixes the core of the problem, it doesn't put a more superficial band-aid on it.

For instance, if I got weight loss surgery years ago when I considered it, it would have temporarily and/or superficially changed my circumstances for the better.

But, and I mean this, despite being north of 500 pounds, I never regret not doing it.

Because there's a core to my problem, and that is what needs addressing.

Allllllllllllll that said...I do, of course, wish nothing but good things and happiness for you, and if this is a route you decide to take, I'll be cheering you on all the way.

amanda said...

yeah, therapists/psychiatrists need to be MDs to prescribe drugs...and they typically aren't, where as psychologists are. I didn't know that until I started therapy either. :)

I am a huge proponent of depression meds. You would never ever see someone calling insulin a "band-aid fix". Yet--and it was my psychiatrist who pointed this out--someone who is depressed often needs meds just as much as a diabetic needs insulin. A lot of times it's biological stuff going on in your brain. Talk to the psych. about it...he can explain more about what each kind of drug does. It's not like it just makes you happy. It's working with the seretonin and brain chemistry and blah blah blah. And if you need it short term so you can feel okay enough to work some stuff out, and then you can go off, that's great. And if you need it for the rest of your life, like I will, that's okay too.

My meds don't make me "happy." They just help me be not miserable. Off meds I'm very mood-swingy and irritable...I often hate "everyone" and while I'm not suicidal per se I often think things like, "ugh, it would be okay if I were dead." On meds, those kind of thoughts don't come to mind. I still get frustrated, I still get sad, I still get angry, people still annoy me...but it's a lot more evened out instead of roller-coastery. And I can DEAL with stuff a lot more.

I never knew that people felt like this. I too assumed that everyone was fighting with being miserable just as much as I was. Not to say like a complete dork, but I honestly had no idea life could be like this. I'm...happy. Not perma grin, jumping on the couch, "I LOVE KATE OMG!!" happy, but just...I'm okay. And life is good. And I like being alive type happy. And I really think you owe it to yourself to at least see if meds can help you be in that place, too.

My thoughts are with you...

amanda said...

and I want to add that I have had some tough things to work through in therapy it's not like I just had a great life and then drugs made it even better, nor is it like I took anti-depressants and all of a sudden everything in my life and my past was a-ok. It's really taken the combo of meds plus some serious work in therapy--and it's sooo important to find a therapist who works for YOU, by the way--for me to feel the way I described above. However, the meds were an integral part, and not something to be dismissed lightly. :)

amanda said...

One more thing, and then I'll stop! I remember when I very first started going to therapy, some ten plus years ago, and the therapist at that time said to me, "You just feel _fragile_, don't you." And he was absolutely right...that's how I felt. Like I was going to break or crack at any second. Meds helped me not feel fragile I feel more like a tree who can bend with the winds. I'll stop posting now, but seriously, if you want to talk about my experiences or anything, just shoot me an e-mail on facebook, k?

Tammy said...

Here's hoping you get a psychaitrist of the non-douchebag variety. My mom went through quite a few when she was struggling with depression. Well, to be honest, she still is from time to time, but the drugs do help her a lot. Mostly she has to keep busy because it's the idle time that brings her down.

I hope they can help you, are such a fantastic person and you deserve to be happy!

Hugs, hugs and more hugs!

Stages of Change said...

Okay, just a few more thoughts and clarifications I have after reading Amanda's comments:

Again, I'm not against the use of pharmaceuticals. Some people do obviously have chemical imbalances that drugs can correct.

All I'm saying is this:

I’ve weighed over 400 pounds for over 10 years (and often over 500, and sometimes almost 700), I experienced extreme and chronic trauma as a child, and I've been a massive alcoholic for 10 years.

Throughout my life I have had a TON of failures. Over and over and over. AND mistakes, AND I've hurt people, AND I've hurt myself, etc.

Alllllll these factors, and more, make me depressed.


So, my take is to eliminate those variables and then see if I'm still depressed.

Eat healthy, exercise, lose weight, go to therapy, go to AA, work through my actions and choices, to reestablish credibility with myself and others, learn to live more positively through what I take-in, live in the moment, focus on what I can change and change it, and not focus on what I can't.

And, then, after however many years, when I'm 225 pounds, have been sober for multiple years, have continued vigorous and earnest work in therapy, have created a track record for the first time of a variety of successes, and have changed my life...

Then, after completely reversing all those negative variables, if I'm still depressed, well, it's a different story.

If I was relatively healthy physically, mentally, etc. If I didn't have very serious trauma in my past. If I was just kind of a relatively "average" person, with my share of issues and struggles and successes, etc.. If I was that person and I was also chronically, seriously depressed?

I would surely work with a doctor to see if I needed some medication to correct my issues.

I am however someone in a much worse place in a multitude of ways. So, I figure instead of taking something to synthetically make me feel better, I would first rather try busting my ass, clawing tooth and nail, for years and years of real consistent effort, always picking myself back up when I fall down, utilizing all the natural help and resources I can along the way, and try to heal naturally.

And lastly, Tricia, though I clearly have my own opinions here, I want to reiterate my unwavering support for you regardless of the path you take.

No matter what, I know you can do it!! :)

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