Friday, July 9, 2010


Not dead.

Just in a weird place. I started therapy on Tuesday and I was 25 minutes late due to some asshole customer I couldn't get off the phone before my lunch break. Therefore I only got like a 20 minute session, but I still cried. Talking about me makes me cry. It's weird to hate yourself so much. Not to mention the fact that I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and I start to feel worse because I feel like this therapist is probably thinking 'what the fuck am I getting myself into' after she asked me like 3 questions and I started bawling. Ugh.

Which is the reason I need therapy to begin with...because I'm paying like 200 bucks an hour and I feel bad that she has to listen to my story. I just wanna know why I hate myself so much. It's so hard to wanna take the steps to save my life when I can't even pretend that my life is worth saving. I dunno how it got so dark so feels like a month ago, I was happy.

Either way, I'm not dead.

I don't like to blog the depressing shit, you guys know that.

I'm pretty sure she wants me on drugs. I don't really know if that's what I want. I don't even like to have more than two drinks a night and now I'm supposed to be okay with being on some constant mind-altering drug? Just not sure if I'm ready to resort to that yet.

We'll see.


Kimmi said...

It's good you're talking to someone and trust me she doesn't care that you are crying after three questions, she's there to help you no matter what state you are in. To be truthful it's good you are ready to cry and feel your emotions, it will make you stronger.

Hang in there girl, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Kelly said...


I've been a long time reader but have never commented. This post though hit a nerve.

I'm so proud of you for talking to a therapist. It was the best thing that I've ever done for myself. I wish I was still going, but can no longer afford it. I liked it because I could confide in this person about everything and they were a totally neutral party. I could bitch about my parents, my boyfriend, my sister, work, and they were not going to judge me. I could tell this person about how much I hated myself and how worthless I felt and they weren't going to wig out on me like a relative would. The most important thing I learned from therapy was that I couldn't change my family and how they treated me, but I could change how I reacted to them. I could change me and that's all that mattered.

As far as the medications go, I understand your hesitation with taking a mind altering substance. I was first put on meds at 23 after a major depressive episode. I'll spare the details, but things were bad. I stayed on them until my insurance ran out. Things were fine for a while. Then I got insurance again and thought maybe I should go back on them to help me lose weight. That didn't really work. So fast forward a few years without the meds and things were getting really stressful. I was short tempered and angry all the time. My therapist thought I should go back on them so I did. I've been back on them for over 2 years now. My doctor that prescribed them has told me flat out that I might have to be on them forever due to the fact that I've had several depressive episodes. I used to be ashamed of the fact that I'm on meds, but now I don't really give a crap what people think. If being on them stops me from wanting to go postal at work, or breaking down in tears in the Jack in the Box drive thru, then I'm all for it.

I agree with what Kimmi said in her comment. It is good that you can cry and feel your emotions. When you stop feeling anything and are totally numb to everything, then there's a big problem.

Hang in there, it does get better. You may not think so now, but it does. I still have a lot of the same negative things going on in my head sometimes, but now I have the strength to tell the damaging thoughts to f- off.

Anonymous said...

That's what the therapist is for.

I am on those "mind altering drugs" and I have sure have been altered for the BETTER. Haven't felt this good in years. For me it was a miracle!

fatty blogsticks said...

love, i'm so happy to see you back here, even though things aren't exactly chipper. please don't feel bad about the crying - they're used to it! i was going through a tough time a little while back and bawled like a baby as soon as the therapist asked me to take a seat. i don't think i said anything though all the sobbing, except for maybe a few 'sorry's.

darkness can set in so fast, but it can also leave with as much gusto. i think it's great you're doing something to help yourself. it's all going in the right direction, and, girl, you are worth it. so fucking worth it. please don't forget that. <3

Katy said...

I think it's just part of the territory to cry-a lot, the first few times you talk to someone. Mostly, I think it's just all that negative energy leaving your body...finally. I cried a lot in therapy at first...and i've been going for a year and a half. Best thing I've ever done. I fealt so bad about my self that my therapist wanted to know when the last time I felt proud of myself was...and I literally could not answer her. I had no idea. I didn't believe I could feel better, or feel good, but I just trusted the process and thank God I did.

I didn't want to take drugs either and I've managed through lots of therapy to not take them, but for some people they work wonders. I wouldn't rule them out for one second. Sometimes you just need to feel like you can get your head above water...just back to at least equal ground. I assure you, your therapist is not judging you.

I have never been so outspoken about anything, as I am about the miracle of therapy. I know...miracle sounds so cheesy, but it helped me so much, I don't think I'll ever stop going. We're here for you.

LMH said...

To echo a lot of other posters, therapy was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Do it. It's worth the money and you are worth it.

I think we all don't mind the depressing stuff - keep posting. I'd rather hear depressing stuff than not hear from you.

POD said...

I'm on drugs! How do you think I made it this far??
I stopped taking them around the time of my husband's death in 2001, right after 9/11 and then had to go back on them near the end of my chemo. I don't think I'll be off of them anytime soon. It's no longer my goal. My goal is to stay alive as long as possible and to be grateful for what I have. Those are pretty easy goals.

I love your blog, your sense of humor is superb and your bummed out depression reminds me of me. Sometimes writing about it and not being funny can be very cathartic and poignant. Please - get on some drugs. WTF do you think food is?

POD said...

BTW, my therapist/psychiatrist who I've been seeing since 1994 finally just posted a comment on my blog.

He's a nutjob too. But I love him. Thank goodness he's gay.

POD said...

Also, the drugs aren't "mind altering"...they fix your screwed up serotonin levels that have been misfiring all these years. Something about synapses. Don't fight it. I swear, food is just as mind altering and booze is even more mind altering not to mention, toxic and a solvent.

Also that air you're breathing out there can't be that good. All those tourists farting and smoking and breathing. Good gawd, it's a miracle you've lasted this long.

Sara said...

I'm glad you posted Tricia--I was wondering what you were up to.

I'm hopeful that your focus on therapy will be helpful to you. My empathy for what you're going through is almost crushing. As a serial apologizer, I raise my fist in solidarity (and then immediately apologize for the gesture).

Maybe you could think about prescription antidepressants not as a moral failing, but as a medical tool that is one facet of your whole treatment plan. We treat high blood pressure with medicine and lifestyle changes, we treat cancer with both medicinal and holistic treatments, we even treat the common cold with both sudafed and rest & fluids, and we rarely kick ourselves for not being able to manage without decongestants or chemotherapy. For me, reminding myself that the internal battle I had about not wanting to resort to medication was taking place within a brain that clearly wasn't making the soundest decisions to begin with helped me to make the decision to give it a try. It doesn't make everything better, it doesn't change who I am or what I feel, but it does help to even out the extremes and allows me the mental margin to really tackle what needs wrestling.

Whatever decision you make, I wish you the peace that invariably comes after struggle. Take care of yourself.

anne h said...

It does get dark fast, doesn't it?
But, then it lightens up.
Always does.

Therapy, blogging friends - it all helps...
Focus, intention, diet, exercise... all that !
Good to see you reaching out.
Lots of helping hands to hold while you get your balance!

Katie J said...

I am on meds and I am glad I am. I was very resistant at first but then once I started taking them and feeling some clarity of mind did I realize how off kilter I was.

Tricia, I still have issues and should probably be in therapy. I often wonder why people like me if I really don't like myself. I try to catch myself and stop the negative self talk but I am a work in progress. I am not sure I will always have to take the meds but if I need to then I would be okay with that because the alternative could be a nightmare.

Is there any way you could find a therapist that does fees on a sliding scale?

Hugs to you and we are all here to listen and root you on! Hang in there chica!

bbubblyb said...

Tricia, I'm happy that you are going to therapy and that you are expressing your emotions, that really is what it takes. I know without therapy I wouldn't be where I am today. As for drugs, I think it's a personal choice. I decided to go through without them and I did ok but something a psychiatrist said to me once was that every obese person suffered from depression. I didn't want to believe it but I think she was right. There is nothing to be ashamed about if you do need meds. It really is about dealing with the things that got you where you are and then moving on to your future. I'm so proud of you. You can do this. You are such a great person you need to start seeing past your size. We are not our bodies we are SOOOO much more. *hugs*

Big Clyde said...

No worries on the depressing stuff...we all have it. Do the's like fixing the car.

We all love your car. It's cool, fun, and a keeper. But if it is not running right, then go to the fix-it place, spend the money, get the work done and get your awesome car back on the road.

Hang in there!

Protein Girl said...

Hi Tricia,
I randomly stumbled on your blog and felt compelled to comment on your heart wrenching post. I truly felt your pain through your words. The journey you are on isn't an easy one, and your honesty, and willingness to open up is so commendable. I am a Nutrition and Supplement Consultant, and believe in customizing Nutrition and Supplements to each individual to compliment their likes, goals and lifestyles. You are a brave, strong and amazing lady, and I would like to offer you my services if you are interested, as well as my support, confidence in your abilities and compassion. I have had many clients with battle depression as well as having personal experience with it.
Never give up and never stop believing in yourself!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tricia..I was wondering if you had an email address..Im not trying to be weird or anything. Your posts have really inspired me and I have a few personal questions...

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

I am so glad you're back! But so, so, so sad about your dark place. Mine is dark and I've been tempted to get help but haven't yet. I still have some light left though I guess. Do what you need to do to feel better! Get better! Try to stay positive. That sounds cheesy I know, but try.

Tammy said...

Hey girl! We ALL hate ourselvs and we'd ALL be in therapy if we could afford it...feel better???? lol Seriously...don't feel bad or ashamed at the crying. I would kill for that kind of release (I really wish I could afford therapy!!) I'm serious...a chance to tell someone completely neutral and unaware of your life how effing screwed up all your family and friends are and how you've dated every wrong guy your entire life and how you'd like to stick a pen in every co-worker's eye without the fear of reprisal, hatred, or prison time?? What's not to love??!! Cry it all out girl! And don't be afraid of the drugs. I was on the lowest dose of Zoloft for a while (when I had insurance)...I think it was 50 mg...and it was just the perfect amount...didn't make me stupidly happy...just evened things out...nothing mind-numbing about it. In fact, it was pretty cool to actually feel like what I'm guessing is everyone else's view of "normal" for a while. I need insurance again, lol.

arielcircleofnine said...

I was wondering how the appointment NOT feel embarrassed about bawling. Hell, once I took my son after his father moved out of the house. He was only 8 and I was worried about the emotional effects of what had to be a devistating change in his life. Well, guess what? He was fine, it was ME who broke down hysterically sobbing as soon as the therapist asked a few introductory questions. I wasnt even paying him to listen to me yet I couldnt stop. I can totally understand. Honestly the therapist is probably used to it, and ready to get started. I hope she's worth her salt and can help you feel better. I totally get that YOU have to feel this way and YOU have to like yourself--but Tricia you are a really warm generous person and your sense of humor is incredible. I love reading everything you write, even the dark stuff, and you are one of my favorite-est people Ive never even met in life. Seriously.
Hang in there, take care of what you need to do to get to a better place. Medicine is a tool, there is no shame in using a tool to help us regardless of if we have depression, an infection, a broken bone or whatever. Big squishy HUGS....

Shelley said...

Take the drugs, Tricia...they won't make you feel anything but NORMAL. Once your serotonin levels get screwed up (like they probably are now), you need the drugs to get them back to normal levels. In this case, I have to refute what that teacher on South Park says..."Drugs are Good, mmmmkay?"

Also, ditto on everything POD said. Hang in there - love you!

Blossom said...

Sorry you're struggling. It's really hard to get rid of the self-hate. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with drugs and if they help you I say go for it. I was on WEllbutrin a few years ago and it really helped me (not to mention a side effect is decreased appetite, also it helped me quit smoking). It doesn't have to be forever. It's just a tool to help you.

Camevil said...


I'm glad you're blogging again. And I'm glad you're seeking therapy. Not so glad that you fell inside a dark place. But sometimes getting to an emotional lowpoint is necessary to find the strength to pull yourself even higher. It's change, a process. A painful one, no doubt, but it's a growing pain.

I've been in therapy and understand that "what the fuck am I sitting her telling this bitch all this shit for?" feeling, that feeling that you can't spit out what you want to say, but it passes. You will find your voice through the sobbing and it will get easier to say what you need to. It's part of the shedding. Everything you are feeling right now...the pain, discomfort, anguish, confusion...will be worth it.

Don't worry about the prospect of drugs just yet. But if she tells you to take them, take them.

You are alive and full of emotion and passion and thoughts--you are not as low as you think you are.

So, suck it up bitch, and keep this up.

Diana said...

Aww sweetie, take the drugs if the therapist prescribes them. I've seen them change lives. Sometimes it's just too damn hard to look life in the face. Sometimes people need help. It's okay to accept a little mind-altering help. It doesn't have to be forever, just to get you though a rough patch.

Hang in there Tricia.

LouLou said...

What do you want?
Do you want to hear that we love you? -Well, we love you. You can tell that.
Do you want to hear that it gets easier? -It does. It gets easier.
Do you want to hear that we've been there? -Trust me, we've been there. Some of us are still there. It's an easy place to get trapped in.
What do you need? Tell us and we'll give it to you. Do you need to be told to suck it up, pudding cup? Do you need inspirational stories of How I Stopped Hating Myself? Do you need book reccomendations or blog links? Tell us what you need! We'll give it to you!

You've taken the first step. You've said, "This sucks, lets fix it." And some day, six months, a year from now, you'll have a moment of lightness. You'll see a few seconds of pure, uncomplicated contentment, and you'll think "Wow, this all started ___ ago, and look how far I've come!"

Five years will pass. Maybe ten. And you'll forget what it feels like to hate yourself. You'll forget what is was like to burst into tears the moment you got permission. You'll have a whole day of wonderful, selfish, satisfied self-love, and you'll think, "My god, remember when I posted about my first day of therapy? That feels like another life."

Trust yourself. Ask for whatever you need. You'll get it.

Anonymous said...

I resisted the meds for a while. I thought I'd become one of those mindless happy people who were so blissfully ignorant, and "bad things" would happen to me.
Turns out, they made me able to think clearly instead of through my darkness haze.
When those of us who use food as our drug stop using it the way we always have, life gets harder, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way forever. We just have to use better means to cope. And for me, at least, that includes my happy pills.

Happy Fun Pants said...

Oh how I wish you knew me before therapy and then could see me now.

The shame? The hating yourself? It is HORRIBLE. And let's be honest, it's exhausting! To always have to pretend you're happy around others, to have to hide the food, and to crave the sabotage that binge eating provides. It is horrible.

And I swear therapy helps. It has made a HUGE world of difference. I went from someone who didn't think that they were worth ANYTHING to someone who thinks that maybe, just maybe I might not be intrinsically bad.

I got to this place where I realize that spending all of my time hating - truly hating - myself wasn't really living. And that maybe there was a better way out there.

I didn't want drugs either and I ended up being so lucky to find a therapist who practiced EMDR. I'm not sure about your past history, but I was molested and had an abusive father - and I needed some form of therapy that would help me work through those while helping me figure out why I hated myself so much. The EMDR sessions helped me actually feel the emotions that I had been stuffing down with food for so many years.

No matter what your course of therapy is, I am so thankful that you found your way to a therapist.

And as for crying three questions in? Totally normal. In fact, that's what the therapist is there for...they want to help - and tears lets us all know that there is something "there" that is worth being unburied.

I don't know you, but I wish I could hug you. Or send you some flowers. Or maybe a hippy sign? No wait. POD beat me to that.


Anonymous said...

Dude, you make your goal of getting 300 followers, and then you slack off on your posting? New followers demand more! Just kidding, take care of yourself and if you need to be reminded how great you are, post -- you're so witty and funny and one of my fave blogs ev-uh! Miss you and want you to feel great, drugs or no.

HopeFool said...


I know the blackness that you're swimming. I'm shocked that you can bring yourself to post when you get like this. I almost never can.

I'd say stick with the therapy AND the drugs when she suggests something. Cry your face off every week if you feel the urge. Expect a wrong diagnosis or 4 along the way. Get a new therapist if you feel the need, just stick with it. Like anything worthwhile, it takes a long time and there are ups and downs.

If nothing else, you've got a crap ton of support and advice here. You're loved and appreciated.

POD said...

Come out, come out where ever you are and meet the fat lady that fell from a star... (me).
Hope you're welling.

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