Thursday, July 22, 2010

Medicated.

Psychiatrists are weird. I've been going to my primary care doctor for over four years now and I could never get her to put me on Xanax for my weird anxiety attacks. I spend 14 minutes on a couch with some phychiatrist that has never laid eyes on me before that moment and I walk away with a prescription for Prozac every morning and Xanax twice a day. Whatever, I won't pretend to understand the medical field and all its weird rules...it just seems odd to me, that's all.

He said the Prozac might help as an appetite suppressant, which would be great, but I'm definitely not putting all my eggs in that basket. I still need to get my ass back on track. I need to care JUST enough to make me wanna change things for the better. In the past month and a half, I totally gave up on myself. My will to live was totally broken, and I just want it back. I don't think it's so much to ask. Hopefully these weird shiny blue pills will help. If they don't, I'll have to find another way. I just need something to work. Giving up sucks.

Also, in the past few weeks, I've met three new doctors and they've all told me the same thing. "Have you ever thought about gastric bypass? I really think it could help you." Then they sit there with some smug "EUREKA!" sense of satisfaction on their face like they just cured this fattie. Hmm, gastric bypass, EH? Never heard of it, doc. Of course I've THOUGHT about it. You think there's a person waddling around at my size who hasn't thought about it like every day of their life?? I THINK about it all the time. My insurance WON'T cover it. It's not even an option. I've already cried that river.

And when I say it's NOT an option, I mean some dude in a suit decided that I don't get that option...so I don't. But then they always pipe up about how it could really "change my life." And they start telling me how I should consider "just paying for it." Yeah, okay. Look, dude, we'll both be lucky if that check I wrote you for 40$ even clears the bank, so let's have a quick reality check before you assume I can just plunk down $30,000 for something. My credit sucks and I wrote on your extremely extensive list of questions that a lot of my anxiety stems from financial problems, so let's just take those champagne wishes and cavier dreams down a peg or two.

I understand they're only trying to help, and I know my anger stems from bitterness over red tape bullshit that I can't even cut with a shiny new Ginsu knife (THAT CAN CUT THROUGH ALUMINUM CANS!!) It's just hard for me to open myself up for therapy and I'm trying REALLY hard and it's like "oh, your self esteem problems probably stem from your weight...that'll be $265." I know a lot of it is just snap judgements and that over time, it might, and probably will, get better. So for now I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt...and it's a really huge boulder of doubt, but still. I'll try to keep you guys posted.

And who knows? Maybe one day I'll blog about something that isn't therapy-related. Keep hope alive.

26 comments:

bbubblyb said...

Hope the little blue pills help. I know what you mean about the shrink too. I just don't think they really get it. Even my therapist that I adore didn't get it but he still helped me in a lot of ways and by some weird twisty road here I am. So just try to have faith in yourself and if you like the therapist for now let that be enough. If you don't then I would find one you did. I don't think they need to understand obesity to help. If they are good at what they do then they can help in other ways that will help you start realizing what a terrific person you are and you are Tricia. *hugs*

Janell said...

If the little blue pills don't work, go back to the psychiatrist and tell him/her they don't work. Did you decide to go to him/her for therapy too? They do both.

arielcircleofnine said...

Give it all a chance and see what happens, keep a positive attitude--I think the most important thing is that you want to feel better and you want to fix yourself so you are actively TRYING to find solutions (ie you havent really given up at all). I admire that you are being laid back and patient too cuz sometimes I know it'd be much easier and way more fun to just rip some idiot's head off!! ((((Tricia))))

Anonymous said...

So, this is being written from the POV of a raging (raving?) socialist and thus with THAT in mind...

Class issues are a HUGE source of oppression that almost no one in the medical field (at least in our culture) are able or willing to recognize. The fact that you are struggling financially, the fact that paying for therapy is a hardship, to them it is just, well, *SHRUG*. Fear about not having enough money to survive, to pay for basic needs like safe shelter and medical care, is a huge part of working-class anxiety, especially if you have ever experienced any kind of emotional or physical neglect.

Good luck my dear (I'm a forty year old nurse who can say that with sincerity). You are not alone. Take care. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life will get better. It will be interesting. People are strange. The show on planet earth is worth watching. :)

Camevil said...

Rebuilding from the foundation up, that's what this here is. The pills might seem like cheapass legos or unsightly trailer park cinder blocks, but they should do the trick. Worry about you before fixing the suit you're wearing.

Love you so much, it's sick.

(((huggies)))

Katie J said...

I took Prozac for about a year and then switched back to Zoloft. Some meds work better for some people but it takes like 6 weeks to really figure it out.

I had docs tell me the same thing but it is also a personal choice. It was covered under my insurance but I opted not to do it out of personal choice.

I have been were you are and the meds will help you to give a f*ck and get your thoughts straightened. Hang in there!!! We are here to listen.

Traci said...

I really hope it helps. PCPs seem to not want to give you those drugs. It's like they think you have to see the specialist so that they can determine if you REALLY need it. Oh brother. And what's with doctors always going for the obvious surgery option. Really? Can't you tell me the natural healthy way to lose weight first. Ug. I'm just as peeved about this stuff.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and am really enjoying it. The reason PCP's don't want to prescribe Xanax is because it's extremely addictive. It does work well though for anxiety and I'm sure you'll be just fine on it.

I don't have any insurance at all so it was always really frustrating when doctors would suggest weight loss surgery to me.

TJ said...

thinking of you T...hope those lil pills make you feel better! CHIN UP My friend! :) xoxo

Jeter711 said...

I hope you feel happier soon. Think positive thoughts, I know it sounds so cheesy, but it really helps. Don't give up, don't let this defeat you. :-)
I love reading your blog! I just now started reading them and I am going back to previous entries. You are a very creative writer and I think you should really think about writing a book. Maybe that will take your mind off of the crappy stuff you shouldn't be thinking about.

Alexia said...

i really do hope that the pills work, tricia dear. xo. a doctor recommended that my friend get that surgery too--and she's 250 pounds! last summer i wasn't much lower than that. i wondered why he didn't just recommend a nutritionist. i hope you find out what works best for you.

Grace said...

If Prozac doesn't work for you, try something else. I took Prozac several years ago (like 10? years ago)...didn't like it. Made me sleepy.

So, there are so many anti-depressants out there. I've been on Wellbutrin for about 1-1/2 years and have lost about 20 lbs (which is really all I had to lose). It just gave me the ability to get out of bed and do something for myself.

And therapy is so much more helpful when it's coupled with the right anti-depressant.

Just don't give up! Keep trying!

I truly believe in better living through chemistry.

Linda Pressman said...

Hi Trish, I forgot where you live, but I think Las Vegas? Here's my recommendation as your friendly Jewish blogger pal - make an appointment at Jewish Family and Children's Services. You don't have to be Jewish. They provide a huge range of services, including psychotherapy, on a sliding fee (or no fee) basis to anyone and they're funded by all sorts of agencies including the United Way. I assure you that they'll have wonderful medical professionals there.

Christina said...

You are awesome! I hope that the little shiny blue pills help you remember that. Never give up on your quest to be healthier, you are worth it! Read the book "The Secret" it's not bullshit, having positive thoughts really works. And there is better living through chemistry.

xoxo

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I hope everything works out for you Tricia. Keep in mind with the therapy, if one isn't doing it for you, you can fire him and find another. There has to be a connection between a therapist and his/her patient. If it isn't there after a couple weeks, time to move on. Also, we all know why a lot of our problems are that, it's the digging underneath the surface, the obvious shit, that really clicks the lightbulb.

LouLou said...

Dear Lady: blog about whatever the heck you want to blog about. I am pretty sure you could spend ten pages talking about spoons and I would be like "This chick is fucking MOSES." So, yeah.

You deserve the absolute best medical care. If you aren't getting it, look for someone else. Or move to Canada, we're big on the free medical care here. Seriously, you could crash on my couch and pay me in rants about cutlery.

Anonymous said...

Well I guess I am lucky my PCP,internal medicine gave me citalopram and xanax till the citalopram kicked in fully ... took several months. I don't think xanax in low doses is addictive, it certainly doesn't make me high or anthing like that, just sleepy for a day or two till my body adjusted.

Relief wasn't immediate ... but dang it works. I am 100% better now. My big problem was anxiety and maybe mild depression from guess what?

Finacial Problems! Everyone is having them these days.....especially if you have been laid off and have no insurance. (like moi). Thankfully my doctor didn't insist on therapy or a specialist. I darn sure can't afford that!

The prescriptions were real cheap at Costco about 15 a month for both. And as a bonus the meds kill my desire to eat and I have dropped 20 pounds without trying. YAY!

Don't give up Tricia! If these meds don't work they have others.

biz319 said...

I have never suffered from depression, but when my husband lost his job a few years ago, money was tight so I do know about financial worries.

But it does get better - we paid off our debt, had money in the bank, so even though my husband has been out of work since January, we are holding our own.

Hope the meds help!
Hugs!

Diana said...

I don't think your unhappiness is from the weight. I think your weight is from your unhappiness.

Of course I got this out of a book I'm reading. Another Geneen Roth book. My first reaction was, another crap book about weight where the author is a f'ing idiot. I even wrote a review on it BEFORE I read it. I said it was garbage.

I'm on chapter four. Something is taking hold, just a seed of an idea but I think maybe she does know what she's talking about.

I recommend the book. You should read it. It's not that the ideas are unique. Food is our drug. Duh. I knew that. But why is it my drug?

Women, Food and God (and no, it's not a Christian, pray for salvation and all will be well kind of book). Read it.

Take care and I really hope you're doing better by the time you read this.

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

What? You don't have $30,000 just laying around??

big_mummy said...

i dont generally go all gun ho on the whole weight loss surgery thing, but it pisses me off when people like you, who would have it, are stopped by insurance, I mean how many fucking weight loss related illnesses (diabetes for one) do so many overweight people have and must be costing the insurance companies through their lifetime!! Its all a fucking scam! (rant over lol)

Tammy said...

You hang in there girl...things are going to get better...take your meds..on time...every day...don't skip them...and within a week or 2 you ARE going to notice a HUGE difference in the way you feel. When I was on Zoloft, they told me I'd notice in 3 weeks...I noticed in 3 DAYS. It is going to be better Tricia, and yes, keep hope alive. Sometimes it's all we've got. :)

wannebebutterfly said...

Hi. I hope you post again soon. You are a good writer and I love your blog. Please post! I don't mind reading about your therapy issues at all. I have been in counselling myself and am on anti-depressants. It helps. You certainly are not alone.
Post again soon!

Diana said...

Okay, where the hell are you? I hope they didn't over medicate you and you're a zombie woman now. I'm kidding of course. Come back Tricia. You are missed. No one makes me laugh like you do. :)

Janell said...

Too hot to write?

Trish said...

Made you something...

http://i821.photobucket.com/albums/zz131/pixeltrish/heytriciayourockcom.jpg

Hope you feel better.

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