Doncha think?

After much debate, the scale has finally decided to weigh me again. It only goes up to 405, so boy was I cutting it close! 404.8. Good thing I peed first.

Now, it's an interesting predicament, being as big as me, and then getting the numbers. It's like one of those happy/sad times in your life. It's like winning something, but then finding out it's the crappiest prize ever...like herpes. IT'S LIKE TEN THOUSAND SPOOOONS WHEN ALL YA NEED IS A KNIIIFE. Just kidding, it's not like that. It's more like when a murderer finds out he's not getting the death penalty, but then he remembers he's still gotta be in jail for the rest of his stinkin' LIFE.

I mean, 404.8 ain't nothin to sneeze at. It's probably the literal definition of a "brick shithouse" if only I had muscles or was intimidating in any way at all. BUT...it's better than what I was thinking, which is closer to like...430ish?

When it comes to my weight, I always find it better to overestimate and be relieved than to "think small" then die of shock. When I was 16, I had to go get a flu shot because my dad was like a total nazi about the flu shot. To this day, every year I get it because I think if I should go a whole year without it, it will undoubtedly be the last year of my life on Earth. But I digress...yeah, before you can get the flu shot at the clinic I went to, they have to do the exam business, i.e. try to make it seem like they're earning that 50 bucks. Exams always include a weigh-in. Oh the scale, my old arch nemesis. I was thinking like 250, WORST CASE SCENARIO. Wrong, dude. So wrong. 306! I died. I'm not even alive right now, that's how much I died. Good thing just my mom saw cause she could keep a secret like nobody's business.

From that day on, I always think HIGH. I'm always like "I bet I weigh 800 pounds ...oh ...405 ...whew, that ain't so bad. Chicken fried steak, STAT!"

And if you think about it, I've only gained 100 pounds over the course of 15 years, so that's only like...(math math math)...like 6 pounds a year! Not too shabby. Nevermind the fact that I've lost and gained that same hundred like 40 times. You pay too much attention to detail, that's your problem!

So anyway, yeah. It's good to have a number again. I wish it was smaller, but it ain't, so there ya go. I'm doing okay on the points as long as I don't obsess too much and I have a lot of watermelon somewhere around me at any given point in the day.

Also, in case my 40 examples of happy/sad weren't enough, you can check out this baby because he knows the score:


Bye!