My boss was all "2.4, that's great!" and she prolly thinks I'm being a real whiny asshole about the whole thing when like, at least I'm still losing. And really, it's not a bad loss. I'm just expecting too much from a body that I have put through absolute torture for the past 30 years. I act right for 3 weeks and I'm pissed that my body is like "hold the fuck up, bitch!" I am being a spoiled baby.
I do need that money though...
I will say that getting into the 370s actually did put a smile on my face when I first saw it. It's been over 18 months. I lost and gained essentially the same 15 pounds over and over again, and I feel like I've crossed a small hill that I was having a hard time getting over. I am proud of myself for sticking to it and being so in control. That is HARD for me to say. I can't expect most people to understand how I truly feel about myself, so for me to give myself a compliment without a sarcastic overtone is a BIG step. So in the midst of my bitching and moaning, there's progress.
I wanna change the subject now and move into a new feature of my blog called Being 400 Pounds. I never want to be 400 pounds again. The time I spent there was full of shame and embarrassment. And even though losing 22 pounds isn't some gigantic accomplishment, I do feel like I'm firmly OUT of the 400s and I wanna stay that way. If these serve as nothing but a reminder to myself to put down the fucking Twix bar one day, then they're worth the embarrassment.
At 400 pounds, I own one pair of jeans that fit. One. I had to buy them from a catalog and I had no clue what my size was. My weird body shape of like all-stomach makes pants nearly impossible to find. I guess clothing companies think that anyone with a stomach as big as mine must have tree-trunks for legs, because any pair I found that actually fit my waist were like crazy clown pants in the legs department.
I finally broke down and went to have a pair altered. It was expensive, but they fit. It wasn't flattering or sexy or comfortable, but they DID fit. At 28 years of age, it was my first pair of jeans. My only pair. Still my only pair, to this day, 4 years later. Needless to say, they're getting a little worn. Especially in one spot:
Yeah, in case you're wondering, that's where my steering wheel rubs against my belly. Too fat for jeans, too fat for my car. It's rubbing less these days, almost not at all. But the damage to these jeans is done.Do you know what it's like to be too fat for a fucking car?? I put off getting my license for over a decade because I didn't fit comfortably in any car I tried. Eventually I just dealt with the "rub." I can't wait for these days to be over. Seriously.
So...I need new jeans. The process starts again. Kill me...
21 comments:
I bought a new (old new) car late last year and was mortified that I could -barely- strap the seatbelt in with a jacket on. I feel ya.
It fits comfortably these days though. Baby steps.
Awww Trish, I'm proud of you too. Proud for getting into the 370s, but especially proud of the fact you said something nice about yourself. That YOU are proud of yourself for sticking with this. I understand that tendency to put ourself down because I'm like that too. A giant step for Trish!
you should be proud of yourself, your trying and congrats on the loss!
Losing 22 pounds IS a giant accomplishment, Tricia. Own it. Don't be so humble about it.
So many of us are rooting for you. Probably more than you even realize.
I now own only one pair of jeans too. My second pair blew out in the inner thighs from my chub rub. The pair I have now is soon to go the same way. I dread buying a new pair too. My apron of fat doesn't make finding jeans that fit easy either. I have a fat belly, a flat ass and short legs. I'm never too sexy for my jeans.
50 lbs in one week ... well that'd be one helluva poop!
Trish, congratulations. Getting into a new "decade" of weight is huge! One time I got on a doctor's scale and I saw my weight and it was one of those breakthrough weights too and tears came to my eyes. They thought I was upset! I was tearful with joy! I never thought I'd see those numbers on a scale again!
Just like you did this 22 pounds you can do the next 22 pounds. It's just one pound at a time really, that's how you get there.
22lbs. is a HUGE loss. Look at it in bags of sugar. Go to the grocery store and load your arms with 4 five pound bags of sugar. Walk around the grocery store with them (that'd look stupid huh? lol) for as long as it would take for a full grocery trip. Then see how much better you feel after putting those bags down. I'm tellin ya...22lbs. is a big loss even for we bigger girls. You are doing so good...so so good. Keep it up and don't be all modest. Tell yourself you rock...b/c ya do. Ok? :) You're a rockin losin' diva.
Be proud of yourself, Tricia. You have come a long way! 2.4 lb is a great loss. Keep it up!
Keep giving yourself those well-deserved little pats on the back; you EARNED this feeling....keep up the good work girl. And for gods sakes get some of that activia or whatever to "regulate" your digestive system (wtf does that mean!?). What im tryin to say is--POOP dammit! :-D
And u know, I think having to have clothes tailored/altered to fit is not all THAT unusual. I cant find anything that fits either, being big AND little all at the same time? 5ft tall with a bodonkadonk like most tailors never wanna see bouncing up to their door..thats me LMAO!
Keep up the goodness and never let the pms get ya down (usually its those around me that suffer far worse than i!)
So, so , so happy that you gave yourself a compliment. You really do deserve it. A 22lb loss is nothing to bawk at. You are doing this, really do it and you should be so proud!!
But at the same time I do know how you feel. Everyone is telling me how great that I am doing too but honestly it doesn't feel like much yet. And I still have a ways to go, so I can imagine how you are feeling as well.
Just do not get discouraged and keep at it. Like you said you treated your body like sh*t for 30 years, so it is going to take time to lose weight. It will not come off over night but time would be going by either way. Might as well let time go by with some weight going too, instead of just growing older and bigger.
Hugs,
Lisa
www.fightingtobehealthy.blogspot.com
I remember very clearly what it was like to have the steering wheel rub you.. I was terrified of getting in an accident and the airbag getting stuck b/c it had no where to go!
22 pounds is a great accomplishment, and you can kiss the 400's goodbye forever! Before you know it, you will kiss the 300's goodbye forever, and I can't wait to be there when you do! :)
"Kill me" - the same thing I once said TO myself, ABOUT myself....
But ya can't kill a dead zombie, ya know!
You sound like you are on the verge of making a major change in your thoughts.....and behavior......sometimes it takes that feeling of wanting this phase to be over. I think you are doing great!
I only have one pair of jeans. I finally went out, and didn't want to wear sweatpants....which is - I mean was - my usual M.O.
I think you are doing great and girl, i have sooo been there and i am STILL there...
- Lisa
http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/
2.4 is a great loss my friend! HIGH 5!!! I am proud of you T! :)
Hope ya poop soon...I never have that issue. lol
I liked the NEW feature- Being 400 Pounds. I think it allows us inside your head and also helps you reflect on the PAST. 3 cheers for neededing NEW jeans! :)
2.4 is almost half of 5 pounds! Own it girl!
i've been in the 200-210 range since march and boy is it frustrating to gain and regain the same ten pounds, so i feel your pain. being fat does suck. thank God we're doing something about it.
XO!
I saw your card on Jacksh!t's blog & wanted to stop by & see what your blog was all about! I love the way you write (you write how I talk! Ha!) and I'm gonna add you to my google reader! Can't wait to read more! Feel free to check out my blog sometime if you'd like!
Congrats on your weight loss. I know what it's like to be too fat for a toyota truck. I was 100 months pregnant with twins and I weighed about 5000 lbs. And I fit into the truck but I couldn't turn my head to see if any cars were coming. Too bad for them. I drove anyway.
But I think it wasn't so much the twins as the chins.
They ended up weighing almost 15lbs which meant I only had to lose a bit over 4k. (rhymes with porky)
Congratulations on hitting the 370's and more importantly, being far, far away from the 400's -Tricia, you are well on your way, my friend!!!
Back in my old (overweight) days, I thought it was normal to only own one pair of jeans. And yes, they did wear out in the weirdest places - for me it was the inner thighs. But my shirts always were snagged and eventually developed holes where my stomach would hit the counter - my short arms meant that I had to stand with my stomach squished against the counter to wash dishes. Took me a long time to figure out why my shirts always wore out in the same place.
Ok Tricia, I am a guy so you had me at the word "pooped". Us guys love to poop. Just ask any dude. If he is honest he will tell you the truth. Pooping is the bomb! I would try some fiber one bars at the store. They will make you poop big time. There are plenty of flavors to choose from.
Way to go, Tricia.
And yea, I know what it feels like to be in all of those situations where you just can't squeeze in, no matter how hard you try.
You are doing awesome! Way to go! Just take it one day at a time.
Oh and for the no pooping thing...try some room temperature water with fresh lemon juice, or smooth move tea, or probiotic supplements. You gotta poop! :)
Great job Tricia, I do feel everything you write. One thing to remember, those 22 lbs are GONE. I sure didn't race down the scale. I seldom lost more than 2 lbs a week. I think at the end my average was about a lb. So just keep moving forward and before you know it we'll be celebrating the 200's with ya.
As for jeans, they just suck I say lol. I still only have one pair and I'm not all that fond of them. Give me sweats and stretch pants any day lol.
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