Committed Committee.

So I weighed in for our Biggest Loser Challenge at work today. The scale said 400.0 which I fear might be a fluke. I don't like super round numbers like that because they seem untrue and like the scale is just all WHOA I DONT KNOW JUST SAY 400 SO SHE'LL GET OFF! My scale at home goes to 405 and it kept registering an error so I was thinking I was still above that. Plus, now I'm wearing clothes and these heavy ass shoes and it still says 400. SO...I dunno. If it's right, that's kinda awesome because that means I lost a pretty good amount for last week even though I have no real idea what that amount is because of my home scale being basically useless. If it's wrong, then...well, that would suck. It says it goes up to 440, so...I dunno. I'm just gonna say it's right and be optimistic.

In other news, I went to Jeff's neice's baby shower yesterday and it lasted SIX hours. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea? I was talking to his sister and she said something about their Baby Shower Committee Meetings and I'm all 'what in the world?' Are baby showers the new weddings or something? Six hours of playing weird baby games and having to stand up and give parenting advice and watching someone slowly unwrap what seemed to be about 500 onesies pretty much had me praying for death.

Who am I to give parenting advice? I don't even have kids. I advised them not to encourage the baby to cuss, because even though it's cute and hilarious, it will inevitably say FUCK really loud at a funeral awaiting giant laughs. A few people chuckled but then I got told I wasn't taking it "seriously" probably because I wasn't. It's a baby shower, not a wake. I see now why I have little to no contact with the outside world. Between the Greatful Dead tshirt and ripped jeans and total inexperience on all things baby and baby-like, I'm sure I did not successfully blend in. The only solution: Stop knowing pregnant people.

I pulled a winner for the giveaway, but I tried (unsuccessfully) to make a cool visual to display the name. I FAILED. I have failed thee, oh world of bloggers. I'll try again tonight after work and if it sucks again, I'll just post it in a regular ol' boring way. Nothing ever comes out as good as it is in my head. Inside my mind lies a glorious land of successful craft projects. I want to go to there.

Happy Monday.

Get your eagle on...

When I went to my orthopedic surgeon a week ago, he told me to get rid of my boot/cast thing and just start wearing a regular tennis shoe. That was pretty great news at the time, but I didn't realize it would still hurt so much just to wear a shoe. That boot was really misleading because it was amazingly painless, so it gave me a false sense of wellness. This size 10 Sketcher doesn't offer up the same confidence.




I guess it's because I have to walk really slow. A glacier-like pace, people. And I've always prided myself on the fact that even though I was a tub, I had a pretty normal walking pace. I could keep up with folks without being all outta breath or gripping my chest, you know? And now I walk all slow and waddly. It's bothersome. I feel like with the boot at least, people could look at me and plainly see that I had a foot injury. But now I just blend in as a fattie who can BARELY walk. I will admit, it's embarrassing and it makes me not wanna go out much. I get judged enough just being this size, I don't need the added mobility problems to make people shake their heads or stare.





One day I'll be able to live my life and not care what people think about me. Until then, I guess I just gotta remember...



Afterall, I'm not doing people any great disservice by merely existing as a fat person, so why do they insist on going out of their way to show their disapproval? They're jerks, that's why.

Anyway, I'm doing the giveaway drawing tonite, so there's still time to enter if you haven't already! I'll post the winners at some point this weekend (possibly Monday morning?). Good luck!

Have a great Friday, guys.

So hot right now...

My boss talked to me the other day about starting a Biggest Loser Challenge at work. I was pretty excited thinking I need all the motivation I can get. It's supposed to run from March 1 - May 31...14 weeks. Lots of fun stuff in that 14 weeks like...Easter, my birthday, a million potlucks and kiddie birthday parties, and I'm sure lots of other last-minute-lets-go-eat-celebrations. But maybe the added pressure of my boss seeing my WEIGHT on a weekly basis (kill me now) will help me say no to all these excuses for free-for-alls.

I'm a little uneasy about it, to be honest. Of the ten of us participating so far, I've got the most weight to lose, by far. By like a big ass country mile of difference. Everyone else is in the low 200s and I'm in the 400s and that sucks. On the one hand, I'll probably lose more. But since it's done by percentage just like the real show, I would have to lose a lot more just to be in the running. I'm not trying to talk myself out of it...I guess i'm just not thrilled with the idea of anyone in my real life knowing how much I actually weigh.

My boss used to go to Weight Watchers meetings with me. She was all proud to show off her little booklet telling the world she went from 181 to 178 in a week. Me, on the other hand...I hid that thing like it was made of gold and the Nazis were knocking around outside my door. I know it's just a number, but it's a rather large number that I'd rather not be labeled by.

Oh well, I'm only making it worse by dwelling on it. I'll resign myself to it and get over it at some point this weekend so I can show up Monday and act like it's no big deal. Sure, it's big, but the whole point of this thing is to make it smaller...together. So...yeah. Just keep telling myself that.

ANYWAY, is anyone watching American Idol this season? Why has everyone been so terrible so far? And why do half of the guys look like that Justin Beiber kid (AKA DINA'S BOYFRIIIIEND!!!)? The only guy that was even kinda good last nite was the hot blonde dude who TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE HANSEL FROM ZOOLANDER. I mean, twinz.

My guess is that Adam Lambert was just too good last year and now everyone else sucks by comparison. These kids better get better or else I'll have to watch something else...and no one wants that. Especially me. So please get it together. Thanks.

Giveaway winners tomorrow!

EDIT:

This is what I'm talking about! I just got this in my work inbox:

Like I need reminders. There's food in here, I get it, thanks.

Bussa cap. No court in the world would convict me. Well, if the jury are frequent dieters, at least...

Day 3: A Case of the Wednesdays

This has been a long-ass week. Maybe it's the absence of afternoon candy bars (and mid-morning candy bars...) that seems to make the days drag on foreverrrrrrr. Still kickin' it though.

Today could be tough. There's a Baby Shower/Birthday potluck thing going on at work. Pizza and cake and lots of other crap I don't need but want want WANT. I didn't contribute because I thought maybe if I didn't bring anything, I wouldn't feel obligated to eat. Or moreso I was hoping the guilt trip would help me say no. It's all smelly in here. Smells like a carnival food court. Man, I need a job where people don't eat. Just me and a bunch of anorexics, that would be TOPS. Then again, I'd just hate them all for being skinny. Damn skinny bitches!

Oh well, I have my boring chili and boring salad and I'll just try to avoid that whole half of the room today if need be. Everyone around here is pregnant. I think there's gonna be like one of these per month for at least the next 3-4 months. People need to stop having babies. It's called population control, people. I'm sorry, I'm lashing out because I want cake. STUPID BABIES AND THE CAKES THEY CREATE.

Last night at trivia, I realized that Jeff's family is a bunch of feeders. Everyone brought like a snack to share. It's only 3 hours! They're already drinking beer, now we have a big pack of Red Vines and a big ol' bag of pretzels, beer nuts and a deep dish pizza! Seriously? It was hard but I just had my Tootsie Roll Pop and four glasses of water. Not saying that a lollipop is the height of nutrition or anything, but it's better than the thickest pizza I've ever freaking seen. Inches from my face, people. Not cool. We got 3rd. Trivia is too hard lately...stresses me out. I miss my British!

It just sucks because everywhere I look, there's shit I shouldn't eat. It's hard to always say no. I realize that I have to say no if I ever plan on losing this weight, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just have to get tough. I'm too lenient and everything seems like a good enough reason to overindulge. Just feels like I'm being punished or something because right now I'm in the shittiest stage of dieting which is like feeling deprived but also having no results to show for it. Eventually there will be results, but patience is not my strong point. Enough sulking...I can do this, remember?

Giveaway still going strong if you're feeling a little backed up lately.

Onward!

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me...

Since technically we're counting this as Day 1, I thought I should report that I did pretty good. I woke up too late to have breakfast, which was a bummer, but I had an orange, so it's all gravy, baby. Made some rockin' teriyaki chicken kabobs for dinner and they were pretty good considering I made them. I...am not a chef. I'm just like, not good at it. In my head, things always make sense and have layering flavor profiles and all that nonsense. But when I make it, it always ends up black and bloodied. Poor food. It gives its life for me to eat it and I just have no skillz to appreciate it.

Maybe I should take a cooking class or something. Everything costs money though, and I don't have much. Maybe I just learn to live with my shitty cuisine. That sounds affordable.

Are you guys watching Celebrity Fit Club this season? That show is RIDONK. They are forreal taking a lot of liberties with the word "celebrity". I think I've come to the realization that I barely care about this show when Carnie Wilson's crazy ass isn't there. Also, most of the people are NOT fat. I know there's fatter celebrities out there so this show must have the tiniest of budgets. Like, even tiny by VH1 standards. And they're doing a reality show out of a basement this season. So...what the hell?

Here's the cast. How many can you name??

If you can name four, then your taste is eclectic as hell. I'll still watch it though...cause I'll watch anything with Bobby Brown in it. And also because JAY. Second best Project Runway contestant everrrr. (Santino, what what?) I dunno. Nicole Eggert? Seriously? What would Scott Baio say?

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I lost most/all of you with this post, but if you made it this far, I will remind you to enter my Shitz N Gigglez giveaway! Good luck, homies!

Day 2 comin' up...I can do this :)

SnGz

Hear ye hear ye! Let it be known that there is free stuff to be had simply by reading this blog today. Go forward and tell thine blogging community:




Here's two life lessons I've found to be exceedingly true in my almost 32 years of life:
1. Laughter is the best medicine.
2. Everybody poops.



They may not be the most profound lessons, but they are effective and honest. If you can't laugh at yourself and the people you love, then you are destined to be one pissed off person for most of your unfunny life. And if you're having problems with #2 (pun very much intended), well, you probably need more fiber.



It is with those two simple points in mind that I present to you my second ever Blog Giveaway! Just in time for its first birthday! Without further ado, feast your eyes on...

The Shitz n Gigglez Giveaway!

This is possibly one of the top five most fibery blog giveaways...ever.

Before I list the loots, I feel I must say that it's not like I'm trumpeting Lisa Lampanelli as some dieting guru. I'm only saying that as a fat girl with a lot of self-esteem issues, I felt a lot of echoed sentiment in this book hidden among the fat jokes and stories of banging black dudes. MAYBE that's not your style, in which case, MAYBE you don't wanna enter, and hey, I'm okay with that. But she went to Fat Rehab! So...just saying, maybe she's an unlikely motivator, but a motivator all the same. Yeah.

So anyway, here's what you get: (counter clockwise from top left...)

1. The book: Lisa Lampanelli - Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks. (this is the gigglez part, see?)

2. Fit and Fresh Fruit and Veggie Bowl: Comes with a cool little ice ring thingy and compartments for 3 fruits/veggies and one dip with a cover. Fruit and veggies are the BESTEST way to get in that fiber. I have one of these, and well, it rules.

3. Quaker Weight Control Instant Oatmeal (Variety Pack) - 6g fiber per serving!

4. Fiber One Complete Pancake Mix - 5g fiber per serving!

5. Progresso High Fiber Chicken Tuscany Soup - 7g fiber per serving!

6. Fiber One 90 Calorie Chewy Bars (chocolate peanut butter flavor) - 5g fiber per serving!

7. Jolly Time 100 calorie Healthy Pop Popcorn (butter flavor) - 9g fiber per serving!

8. Emerald 100 Calorie Cocoa Roast Almonds - 2g fiber per serving!

9. Fiber One Blueberry Muffin Mix - 5g fiber per serving! (don't forget to use the Hungry Girl recipe to lower the calories and add even more fiber with pumpkin!)

There's some more small stuff but I forgot to take pictures of it and who doesn't like surprises?? It's just like gum and a card or something, I think? Anyway...

So you guys know the drill when it comes to these giveaways...here's how to enter:
1. Leave me a comment telling me YOUR favorite fibery food. If you don't have one, then just make something up!
2. Link to my blog from YOUR blog telling the masses about this giveaway! (then leave me another comment here saying you did it. I'm no psychic!)
3. Post a picture of your proudest poop. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
4. TWO ENTRIES if your comment is a poo-inspired joke!

That's it. Stock up on Charmin and hang tight. I'll draw the winner on um...Friday-ish? That sounds good.

Have a great Monday, guys!