When it hurts so bad, why's it feel so goooood?

So I was down 5.8 today, taking me to an ALMOST even 380.2. This pleases the Tricia.

As far as the challenge goes, I'm back in it, baby! I'm now down 5.0% to her 5.7%. I feel like I can totally kick ass for the next two weeks and take it if I just try really hard and don't fuck up...like, ever. I CAN DO THIS!

And before Jack Sh*t chimes in, I'm NOT abandoning the diet after the challenge. I'm simply saying, it would be a real morale boost for me to actually pull out the win. Not to mention the fact that I need those moneys! So...slow and steady, stay the course, blah blah blah, don't eat cake.

This coming up Saturday is another dang Girl's Nite though. It's good and bad. I really do enjoy getting together with this group of hoez and playing dirty Pictionary and watching them get drunk and fall down, but gah, the temptation of it all! Karen and her damn traveling fondue pot! (and it's fresh chocolate every time, so that handy trick you guys gave me last time about thinking the chocolate was contaminated is NULL...as if contamination would ever be enough to keep me away from chocolate anyway...silly readers!)

I was trying to think of maybe some low-carb dish I could take, then pondering a few low-carb cocktails. BUT I KNOW ME! Get a couple shots of random liquor in me and there goes the ol' resolve. Oh sure, I'll START by eating sensibly. My diet-y food, then a rum and diet coke. Four hours later, I'm fisting a bowl of molten chocolate with reckless abandon. (your mental image - check it.)

I don't even like to drink.

All this damn peer pressure!

I thought about emailing a "I'M NOT COMING IF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA FORCE ME TO WRECK MY DIET!" letter to all involved parties, but that just seems...yuck. I don't wanna be THAT person. Plus, ultimately, I'm a grown-ass woman, and if I say no, it means no. Now...I just gotta practice saying it. Then say it when it counts!

I did turn down roasted potatoes AND cake at the Mother's Day thing. So...that's something. It means I actually CAN say no. Well...if I'm being honest, I just left right at cake time. Driving home feeling like some scorned ex-lover. I'd rather leave the party than see my Love having fun with a bunch of young hussies! This shit...it's serious.

Time to go eat some meat. Change the record, eh?

PWNing n00bz.

I recently posted a comment on Tony's blog about how he used to inspire me even way back in the days before I had a blog (the olden days!) I would post on the Weight Watchers message boards, but to be honest, I never made any bonds there. A lot of my posts got deleted because (god forbid) they weren't DIET related.

Even on the board that was specifically set up for people with 200+ pounds to lose, I still didn't feel like I belonged. BUT...it did lead me to FreeWebs, which eventually (with some prodding from Dina) led me to Blogger. And I DO feel like I've found my place here. I'm free to rant and swear without worrying about some overbearing mod-type deleting my threads. I get TONS of support and advice and even some annoying criticism...that I need...sometimes.

I think it's so important to just find people that you can relate to. It's not easy being a 400 pound woman in the world. I get stared at and points and giggles and that's just when I'm standing around minding my own business. I like knowing I can bitch about it here and have people there to say "things will get better" or "fuck those assholes!"

I remember when I was like 10 and my niece and her friends were making fun of me for being fat. I got upset and started to cry. I went home and my dad asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because people were making fun of me for being fat and it made me sad. His answer: "well...maybe you shouldn't be so fat." Thus began a lifetime of holding in a lot of rage and sadness and just being the funny fat friend so at least they'd be laughing WITH me, not AT me.

I guess I'm just saying...it's nice to have a place to let it out. I feel less crazy :)

That being said...there are lots of new peeps joining our ranks and they all need our support! Having a bunch of great people who read my stories is great. Having people comment about how they relate is AWESOME! I want everyone to have this! I compiled a short list of new blogs that I've been reading in the hope that you'll stop by and check them out too! So...do it, eh?

Fuck You Cookie - Chris' exceptionally-titled blog. Plus, he's brewing his own beer, people.

Fatty Blogsticks - her awesome drawings alone should be enough to garner a million followers...but it's also a great blog. I'm a big fan of her 52 Reasons, so far :)

Twon - A fellow low-carber! Go check out his Energy Kick-Start Challenge...then join it!

Dear Dr Atkins- Rob is yet another low-carber. WE ARE EVERYWHERE!

411 Gurl - Cutest blog format ever! Also, she's around my size so we vowed to kick ass together. Go cheer her on!

Project Look Good Naked - Katy: A Sister in the Struggle! She leaves great comments too!

Flabby McGee - A cool gal trying to get healthy. Diabetes can suck it!

Losing Harry - Watch Al's stationary bike tour across America! He freaking lost 11 pounds this week!

The Clydesdale Project - So it turns out Clyde's blog isn't as new as I thought, but I can't NOT include him. He's way supportive and always leaves me nice helpful comments, PLUS...he's like, the next Lance Armstrong. But with both balls..........as far as I know (?)


BACK FROM THE GRAVE! Don't forget these oldies but goodies making their most triumphant return!

Twinklydots - If you need a 4X size tie-died bustier with attached tu-tu, you've found your gal.

Farsination - Congrats on the Masters! That kicks ass :)

A Load Off My Chest - He's back and almost at goal!

Whew, I sure hope all those links work! Maybe you don't know this about me, but I'm actually NOT some computer genius, you know? If they don't work, lemme know.

If you've got a new blog that I haven't found yet and you need some lovin', get yourself out there! Post some comments and spill your guts. Send some love out into the blogosphere and you'll be surprised at the amount you get back in return.

Now, before I leave, and to save this post from being a total mushy love-fest, I have a video to post! So like, you know the one lady at work that's doing low-carb with me? She LOVES it. Like...for real, love. Not that he's-kinda-cute-love, but that I-WOULD-DIE-FOR-YOU-love, you know? It's because she loves butter. I'm not really a fan, but whatever...some people love butter and she's one of them peoples. So every day at lunch she busts out the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and goes to town on whatever she's eating. I bet she gets tendonitis from all that damn spritzin'. Anywho, she thought I wasn't paying attention and just sprayed some right into her mouth the other day like it was Binaca and she was about to do some passionate kissin'. I DEMANDED she do it again and let me film it! For you guys, obv.

I'm gonna really miss her when her heart gives out.

Alright, this is long as shit, so I'm out. Click those links! Share the love!

Just letting it out...

Gah, this weekend blows.

Yesterday when I got up for work, my dang car wouldn't start. I mean, it wouldn't even try! I convinced myself it was the battery and had to go wake Jeff up to take me to work. Only problem is, he had just gone to bed like an hour before I had to wake him. He is NOT good on sleep-deprivation! I had to keep pacing around yelling "C'MON BABE I'M GONNA BE LATE!" about 40 times a minute because he kept zonking out like some toddler on a long car ride. I shouldn't bitch because I'm sure I would have been one grumpy bitch had the tables been turned, and I was technically only 3 minutes late. But when you work in a call center, three minutes matters! Man, I hate that shit.

Anyway, it wasn't the battery! Alternator. Bleh. $144.99. There goes THAT paycheck. Oh well, cars fuck up, that's life, I guess. Hopefully I'll get it back today because I have shit.to.do. Ya know?

Mother's Day is always all emo for me. I miss my mom like crazyyyyyy. Every day I remember something about her and it makes me smile, then makes me sad. I really wish she was still around to help me figure out my life and tell me everything will be okay. And to sing along loudly to songs I hate on the radio in the car. :)

It's also the tw0-year anniversary of my niece's death. Which still sucks every day. Mostly I'm just mad about it. I miss her a lot and it just...sucks. At least twice a week I'll think of something I wanna say to her and then have to remember she won't be there to hear it. That girl could quote Anchorman lines like nobody's business! Gah...I just miss her so much.

Plus, I find myself questioning and struggling with my own beliefs about death and what happens afterwards lately. It's a weird feeling. I've held on to these thoughts so tightly and defensively my whole life for comfort and strength, and now it's almost like I'm fighting myself to change them. I just don't know anymore and it feels so weird to say it. There's all this guilt in letting go. It makes dealing with death so much harder.

Add in more bullshit drama from my sisters who aren't happy unless they have something to be pissed off about. I just don't care anymore.

All I wanna do is stay on plan and keep going and doing this for myself.

I'll make it through this weekend and I know I'll be okay.

Happier posts next time...promise!

Tonite...we dine in hell.

Before I get started...if you weren't around for the introduction of Project 300, kindly click HERE and join in on the fun!

I think the giveaway will be 300 things. To one lovely person. That's a lot of things. I haven't decided what things yet, but I promise no cheese puffs or some other fatty gag like that.

Side note: I wonder how long it would take a person to put down 300 cheese puffs? I remember once in fatter days, we bought one of those barrels of cheese balls from Sam's. You know the ones? Like a fat little plastic barrel full of finger-staining-artery-cloggin' goodness. I remember thinking that it was like the fattest thing I ever ate. In hindsight, I'm sure that's not true. BUT...I think sitting on the bed watching Top Chef reruns and eating from a barrel pretty much is like the prescription for an early death.

Now I just gotta get that barrel full of pork rinds. No carbs! From here on out, I would like all my food to be in barrel form.

Enough about barrels, GEEZ. I challenge any of you to use that word five times in one cohesive blog post. Winner gets a Barrel of Monkeys. Oh shit, make that six!

In other more boring barrel-less (7!) news, my boss made like a weird comment about my weight today. Since we started the challenge thing at work, I've lost roughly 14 pounds. We were standing around gabbing like a bunch of old hens and I was bitching that losing 14 out of 400 ain't gonna get it. Then she was like "I can totally tell you've lost weight." And I was like "uh yeah, okay." And she's like "no, seriously, like in your...(makes hand gesture)...this area."

For the record, the hand gesture was the equivalent of like a circle around my neck/chins area. So...like, my neck fat. So I said "you mean my neck fat? You can say it!" She looked at me like I just said I was a martian or something. NECK. FAT. It's a thing, and I have it. 2.5 chins leading into a fatty neck. My beard of fat. I'M okay with it, why can't she be?

Apparently it's one of those words she won't say. Like how she always says "oh my heck!" instead of "oh my god!" Mormons, you know? Thou shalt not mention thy neighbor's beard of fat.

Anywho, since it does indeed exist, and she noticed it going away-ish, that's a great thing! I accept it, but that don't mean I want it. Like herpes....Wait, what in the hell? Heck. I meant heck.

This got weird. I don't really have herpes. If I do, someone's got some 'splainin' to do! Like the opposite of Mary. Immaculate clap. This ends NOW.

Did someone mention something about 'cohesive'? Feel free to pray for my soul at will. Thanks!

Two fitty. Also, awesomeness.

Whoa, I just realized I have 250 Followers as of today! That kicks asssss!!

That's awesome, dudes, seriously.

Here's the deal: If I can get up to 300 followers, I'll have a rad face-rockin' giveaway! So...tell your pals! Link to this post and you'll get a FREE ENTRY into said awesome future giveaway (you know you wanna...)!

Project 300! I'll keep tryin' to get closer to 300 pounds and you guys try to get me to 300 Followers...deal??

Let's doooo this!

The fish so nice they named it twice!

Day 10!

Today kinda sucked for a Cinco de Mayo. Everyone at work was munching on chips and homemade salsa all day while I had my daily meat-fest. It was the first true craving that I've had since I started low-carb again. But for some reason, it really made me want ice cream. Maybe it's because no binge is ever complete without at least a solitary pint of some flavor du jour of Ben & Jerry's. So wanting to eat bad shit makes me crave ice cream. My body...it know what it wants...and it's not that fucking mahi-mahi I picked my way through for dinner.

Crudely-drawn ice cream cone = 0 Net Carbs*

I'm pretty sure the real craving is just a PMS-y symptom. My shit's like all jacked up so I never know when that crazy bitch is gonna show up to ruin my day(s). But my back hurts and I keep crying over like the STUPIDEST shit...so yeah prolly.

Today I was reading this LiveJournal of this girl that died from Cystic Fibrosis recently and I was sitting at my desk bawling all day like a dummy! Don't get me wrong, it's sad. Like...awful. But still, to cry at work? To risk being seen and clowned for a lifetime?? Stupid emotions!

Also...super bitchy. I can tell because I almost threw some kid off a stairwell today when I got home from work. ARGH! These damn kids in this apartment complex drive me crazy! For some reason they decided that MY stairwell was the perfect place for their dang clubhouse. So from the time I get home until Dark:thirty, all I hear is a bunch of bratty kids outside my door talking shit.

So today I get home and this tiny jerk is standing on the ledge above my door holding a WATER BALLOON. Oh hell no. I looked up at her and go "If I were you, I would NOT do what you're probably thinking about doing." She giggles. For some reason, this enrages Trish-Hulk. "I'm SERIOUS. DO. NOT." More goddamn giggles.

I am a grown fucking woman standing 2 feet from my doorstep afraid to unlock the damn thing! Growling through my teeth at someone two feet tall. If there has ever been a more pathetic sight, surely I have not seen it. (and don't call me Shirley, ahthankyou...)

I stay there, frozen, and gaze an extremely hate-filled stare. She sucks her teeth and says "I wasn't even gonna throw it anyway, GAWD!" Sass! Sass at a time like this??! Does she not know the egg is dropping?? I will shake the shit out of a kid, dammit.

Alright, not really, I love kids and blah blah blah, but I'm just saying...Today is not the day.

That being said, at least I didn't fuck up my diet. TRULY AMAZING. Truly.

What is this? A center for ants???

So I ordered a swimsuit the other day since the one I got at Catherine's was like a lesson in tuggin' and pullin' and to be honest, it just plain didn't fit. If only denial burned calories...

So anyway, the thing's supposed to arrive on May 10-ish. I've spent the past few days staring at my extremely hyper-white legs and wondering what to do about 'em. This one girl at work is talking about having a pool party, and it strikes fear in my extremely self-conscious heart. Or maybe that's from all the beef I've been eating. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

Anyway, I don't wanna tan, cause that's gross and impossible. My skin has two shades: White and red. (add in my blue veins = AMURICA!) There's no light golden brown on these hamhocks. So the sun is out.

Then there's spray tans. Getting naked and being sprayed by strange liquids. HELLO EVERY SATURDAY NITE OF MY LIFE! Or none of them. Amirite? Oh yeah.

Moving on, I'm talking to my boss about my dilemna and she gets an overly-excited look on her face and screams out "TAN TOWELS!" Once I got her to calm down, she told me they're like these towels that you rub on your parts and they turn brownish(?). Less whitish. Sounds weird as hell, but she insisted that they're man's greatest accomplishment since the space program. So I was like "well...alright, bring me some to try."

So she stops by my desk today and this is what she gave me:


What in the hell?? They're like the size of alcohol swabs! This is when I realize that my 160ish pound boss has like ZERO concept of my true size. Sure she knows I'm a fattie and she knows my weight (UGH), but still...what the fuck am I supposed to do with these tiny little towelettes? I would need like one per appendage and like 40 for the rest of me.

Apparently that little sniplet of a towel is supposed to cover half your body. Well, not my body. But some bodies, I guess. As for me, I will keep searching the world for a way to be less white. What do you guys do?

In other news, I lost a little weight last week. The low carb saga continues. If I'm counting my weight last Monday, I'm down just over 5 pounds. But the last time I "recorded" a weigh-in for the Biggest Loser dealy at work, I was at 388.8. So today was 386.0. So theoretically, I guess you could say I lost 2.8 in like a million weeks since before my birthday when I completely lost my mind and ate as a family of four.

But at least it's a loss.

Still in second place though...Curses! That bitch is like...unbreakable. Time to go all 80s sitcom and send her some truffles from a secret admirer. By any means necessary, dudez...