Meet the Klumps...

In honor of St. Patric(ia)'s Day, here are some pictures of my very Irish Family. Well, my dad's german (figures), but my mom was definitely Irish, so that's close enough:

This is my oldest sister, Lisa. She's the "sensible" one. But in all seriousness, if you piss her off, she has a total psycho side. It doesn't take much to bring it out either. I love her, but I will admit that I've always been at least a little scared of her. She's 18 years older than me, but I outweigh her by probably a good 250 so I could prolly take her in a fight if I ever had to. HOPEFULLY it never comes to that, but it's always good to know, you know?

Next in line is my sister Linda. She's a career pothead. It's pretty crazy, I mean, I assume most people would get tired of pot after a few decades, but she's still Cheech-and-Chong'ing it after all these years. She did take a breif hiatus to smoke crack for a while, and we're all extremely glad that phase ended. She's the "fun/crazy" one. She speaks fluent spanish and only dates married men after a few busted abusive relationships. We Pilgrim girls...we sure know how to pick 'em.

This is my brother David. He's six years older than me and was a total bully jerk to me growing up until like ten years ago when I moved away to college then suddenly we were BFFs. He has the gout! (like DINA!) That's why he's always elevating that weird ass foot. That picture cracks me up plus you can see all my awesome old posters since we're hanging in my old bedroom. For the record, he ate all 24 of those oysters...raw...gross.

This is his wife. She don't like pictures...

Here's just a small sample of my neices/nephews/great neices/great nephews. I guess that's the weird advantage of having much older siblings...my nieces and nephews already have kids of their own so there's no shortage of kiddos around. Also pictured here is the world's most annoying dog. This is what happens when you put me out in the sun for like an hour. My skin turns a sizzling pink hue. Later on after dinner, this kid asked me "WHY YOU SO BIG?" to which I replied "because I'm a grown-up, shorty." She was okay with that answer and skipped away...whew!

Me and the bro at an awesome Brazilian Steakhouse. Shit was TEH BOMB. It's a good thing I don't like around this place because I would be broke and my heart would be full of cholesterol. Well...brokeR and MORE full of cholesterol. OKAY? That's his cadillac out front. I think it's cool that he's into old cars and whatnot. He buys them cheap and fixes them up and sells them. They're always giant boats and they always have annoying characteristics like the windows won't roll down or the radio only gets one station and it's like spanish...I dunno, always something. This one was a dragger! Jeff was sitting in the back and everytime we hit a bump, it made a hellacious dragging sound. Just what fat people need, a car that can audibly complain about your fat ass.

My brother kept telling him to "sit light, Jeff!" To this day, I have no idea what that means.

Here's the family out to dinner. This is how they respond when I say "HEY GUYS LOOK OVER HERE!" That's my dad, the old dude there.

Saturday night, I came home to this sight. Seems that someone took the corner too hard and flipped their car over our fence. Picture my dad outside at midnight in his old man pajamas yelling to a cop and tow truck driver "NO ONE AIN'T MOVIN' THIS CAR TIL SOMEBODY FIXES MY GODDAMN FENCE!" Needless to say, my brother had banished him to the house by the time I got home. Nice. For the record, they did come fix the fence the next day. Also, this is like the 4th time this has happened, so yeah...location, location, location.

We had a "party" at my sister's house on Saturday so I could see my aunt and uncle but all kindsa weird shit went down. Either way, I got to see my cousin Tiffany. She's like all boobs and I'm all belly and chins and I ask you where, oh where, is the justice in this? Shit is wack. That's her husband in the background flat-out refusing to let the rabbit-ears era die.

Here's my uncle gettin' TORE UP in the hot tub, son. Nothing good happened after this. He kept drinking up all the rum and Linda decided "let's give him some Everclear, that'll slow him down." It slowed him down alright, to a screeching fucking halt. He fell over at least 4 times and had a real mouthful of mean shit to say to everyone once the floodgates were open. He also laid on the kitchen floor for a good half our blaming my recently-deceased niece for all the bad shit going on in his life lately. "THIS IS CRYSTAL'S FAULT! CRYSTAL DID THIS TO ME!...(x a million)" Shit was weird and obviously my sister did NOT find the humor in it. I dunno...what can I say? Don't give an old depressed man Everclear. Let that be a lesson to yous guys.

Speaking of Crystal, I put a giant Homer on her gravestone because it was OUR thing. We watched the very first episode of the Simpsons together and we even waited to see the movie until she came way over here to visit me. You may think it's a little cryptic to take a picture of a grave, but I dunno...I just miss her a lot and it was the first time I saw it.

So that's kinda my family. I know I talk a lot of noise about them, but I can do that because I lived through all these weird ass years with them and they all know I love them. So...yeah.

P.S. Looks like my Dad is getting in on that Carlos action with his new truck. File that under things I never needed to know...