I think dieting is making me fatter.
Specifically, failing at diets is making me fatter.
I've always been an over-eater, but I think dieting has turned me into a true binger.
When I started my first diet when I was in my 20s, I was of course, obese. But I was reasonably healthy, meaning I would walk forever and not be winded, and I could keep up with my life and the people in it. I lost a bunch of weight doing Atkins because I was perfect for 10 months. Then on Halloween, I had some chocolate. Then I had some more. Then more. Then I ate more chocolate in one sitting than I ever have. Then I ate a pizza. Wtf?
I never ate that much before. That continued for months.
Now it's like every Monday I'm starting a new diet. Which means every Sunday afternoon I'm eating 6 pounds of fettucini alfredo like I'm storing it up to survive on my fat for the next three months. But by Wednesday, I'm back to eating bullshit. Starting diets is giving me a perfect excuse to binge as much as I want...guilt-free. And that sucks. I don't wanna diet anymore. I just wanna eat less. And I'm sick of setting myself up for failure.
I'm not fat because I'm addicted to food. I'm fat because I'm addicted to overeating. Bottomless pit. It's embarrassing. Needs to stop. Somewhere in my head there has to be a part that says "hey, don't you think you've had enough, big girl?" But so far that bitch ain't talking.
Anyway. I'm not gonna obsess over diets anymore. This obviously isn't working for me, and whether you call it a lifestyle change or torture or whatever else, it's still not working, so fuck it. I know what I need to do. So I'll try to do it.
Furthermore, I can't use this blog to just talk about food and weight anymore. I'm fortunate to have people who are in the struggle with me, and I do appreciate it, but my problems range far beyond just the weight so I'm going to use this blog to talk about lots of problems, not just fat ones. If that's not okay with you, I understand if I lose a few followers. I get that I talk like a sailor and maybe say things that offend some of you, but that's me, and I can't apologize for being myself in my own blog.
So...that's it for now. No hard feelings and...wish me luck? :)