Sunday, May 17, 2009

Get on board.

The diet's going okay. Weekends mess me up because I stay in bed til 3 then eat until bedtime. Not ideal. I gave up on CORE because I ate a bag of Popchips (7 points!) and I don't know what "satisfied" means. If I knew when to stop eating, I wouldn't be so extra large. That was a silly idea, Weight Watchers! Oh well, I'll just count the points. 44 is a lot of points when you're eating fat-free low-fat low-carb sugar-free shit. I could knock out that 44 in one meal at Popeye's, but then I'd want ice cream and there is my life, in a nutshell. (what kind of shell...has a this?)

My cat is an asshole.

I'm so tired of him. Sometimes I leave the door open just in the hope that maybe he'll run away but he knows he's got it too good to ever leave and he never even attempts to go anywhere near the door. I dunno why Jeff is so attached to him. Maybe because they're both jerks who overeat then throw up. Life is all about the common bonds.

This cat is like, a fiend for cat treats. Look, I'm a fattie. I understand the simple joy of having a snack. But this cat is taking it too far! Here is the scenario:

I go grocery shopping. I buy the stupid treats because he will meow all night if he doesn't get his nightly fix. I bring in half the groceries, set them down on the counter...then go out to the car to get the rest. The cat takes this as his cue to ramble through the bags and find the treats. It's like a sixth sense. I don't know how he knows. Aren't cats colorblind? I buy different color bags to throw him off but it never works. SO...I'm putting away the groceries...

Then I get out the "treat tin" and like, where are the goddamn treats? Come to think of it, where is the cat? Rest assured, they are together. Making hot teethy sweaty love somewhere beyond my reach. I sigh and roll my eyes and swear to the heavens I HATE THIS GODDAMN CAT!

It's probably my own fault. I should put them up as soon as I get in. But it's like a million degrees outside and the last thing on my mind is saving this fatass cat from himself.

HOURS later, he'll emerge. The package? Chewed open. It's so sad looking. Withered and full of teeth marks. Raped of its Tarter Fighting nuggets and left there to die alone. So sad. $1.89 down the drain. His fat ass just laying in a corner half dead from overindulgence. All I can do is shake my head. Lord knows I've been there. He just doesn't seem to understand that if I'M on a diet, then we're ALL on a diet. Even Jeff gets this simple concept. I don't know why this cat can't follow suit.

I wake up the next morning to usually 3 random piles of technicolor cat puke. God, I hate him so.

Not to mention this GIANT scratch on my arm because every time the air conditioner kicks on, he FREAKS OUT and jets the fuck off, catapulting himself from whatever he's on...namely, my arm. I love the air conditioner more than I could ever love any animal, especially this cat, so he better just get used to it. 'Cause Tricia...sweats for NOBODY, you hear me?

In other news, I went to Costco yesterday and it was 3500 steps! That's a lot.........for me. :)


Dina said...

omg you got all 3500 steps IN COSTCO? were you running laps around the perimeter?

*Kristine* said...

COSTCO ROCKS for exercise.

Air conditioning comes first then pets... I sweat for no one as well.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I've never smoked crack, but your blog is how I imagine it to be: it makes me happy, gives me a warm glow and is as addictive as hell.

Fun stuff, as always.

Monica said...

lmfao! My cat is almost the same! Hes programmed to sit on the floor while I sit on the couch and he just stares at me until I give him a treat. When I throw them, he acts like hes a football player and actually jumps and clasps onto it with his paws. It IS cute but he IS an asshole. AND, I saved his ass from that halfway house for cats and he prefers my boyfriend!

Anyways, congrats on the steps :)

WonderLori said...

Great job on the steps, woman! Alas, I wish those who surround me ot the "if I'M on a diet we're all on a diet" concept. I just get "we're all going out to Tub O'Lard's Cholesterol Carnival and Deep Fried Pizzaria for dinner. You can find something there, right?"

Anyhoots, I'm getting caught up. Been away far too long and I've missed you! {{{Huggles}}}

big_mummy said...

I managed the same amount of steps in Tesco (supermarket) too! its suprising what, walking up and down um-ing and ahh-ing and questioning my ability to fix a meal that wouldnt make me sweat butter, could do.

I hope you made Jeff clean up the puke.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I'm not a cat person, but holy hell that was a hilarious cat story.

44 Points is a lot, but it means you get to eat a lot too! Look at the bright side lady :) Eventually you'll get down to 22 points and at least to me, that is scary as shit. It's not so bad losing one at a time though! Check out some of the blogs (shameless blog plug) that have pictures on them for some yummy ideas. Yes they require that you cook some, but still, you dont have to do no sugar, no carb, no taste food. Trim the Fat, Sweetie Pie & Happy Texans also both of photo food blogs that are SO yummy!

If Jeff doesnt want to eat the food, eff him. He can fight with the cat for cat treats.

Kelly said...

Freakin cat. but it does make for good laughs.

Hey, congrats on the steps! That's awesome. :)

Carlos said...

cats are filthy animals.

Dina said...

Don't you mean the "lifestyle change" is going okay?

Dina said...

Plus I think that is the first time I've seen "raped" and "tartar" in the same sentence.

Little Miss Fatty Pants said...

I <3 your cat. He's hilarious.

bbubblyb said...

This soooo cracked me up. Is your cat orange? Does he love lasagna? He sounded like garfield to me lol.

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