Sunday, June 21, 2009

Cat in the Cradle.

It's safe to say I have a love/hate relationship with my dad. I did send him a card with a check and some deodorant he can't seem to find lately in town (weird, I know.) I called and did the whole Happy Father's Day routine with him. He knows I love him...as long as I'm far far away. In person my dad is a real miserable guy to be around. Some of the darkest times in my life were spent in a locked room with him telling me what a terrible fat useless person I was through a crack in the door while I cried like a maniac.

I have every right to hate him given the circumstances, but I guess for the most part, I don't. I do hate the way he treated my mom like shit her whole life and now gets to play the whole poor sad widower part like he lost the great love of his life. The truth is that my mom pulled a fast one by dying first and leaving him to fend for himself for the first time in his life. It's not something easy to learn in your 70s. So I fluctuate between these feelings of "I'm sorry you have to go through this" and "KARMA IS A BITCH!" I dunno. It's hard to keep the peace sometimes when I listen to him go off on his "woe is me" tangents. He lived his whole life treating us like shit, and now he questions even the slightest hint of animosity against him. There's major denial, that's all I'll say.

I still do my best to call him every other day even though he mostly talks about the same five subjects:
-how much my sisters disrespect him
-how he's tired of my sister-in-law decorating the house
-how much money he still owes on that truck he can't afford
-how much he misses me being around to "aggravate" (read: torture)
-how he's sick of these mexicans taking over every goddamn thing...sigh.

Anytime I start to feel sorry for my dad, I remember the time my mom was crying in the bathroom and I walked in to see what was wrong. I was seven years old and she said to me "I wish I could just die to get away from HIM." That one sentence pretty much fucked with me my entire life. It's like a Get Out of Guilt Free Card.

Oh well, Happy Father's Day and whatnot. If you're a dad, be nice to your kids. One day you'll be an old jerk and you'll need someone to buy you out-of-stock deodorant and not everyone's as nice as me. SO yeah.

16 comments:

Dina said...

No wonder we get along so well. My dad plays the pity/woe is me card now too, because he isn't able to control me in any other way. Fucking sucks.

I'm glad you don't live there anymore.

I console myself with all the fun stuff I can do once he's gone, I'm going to get him a headstone with a big ass cross on it because JW's don't believe in crosses. Paybacks a bitch!

~TMcGee~ said...

Man....Tricia, I'm sorry he was so horrible to you...I have no words...how terrible. :-(

Julie said...

I get it... my dad is the same in many ways.
My parents got a divorce and now karma is being a bitch to him.
I did the whole card and visit for an hour but trust me I had to force myself.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

One day when you're in your 70's, sitting in your rocker with about two marbles left rolling around in your skull, you're going to sit back and realize that your father was right about at least one thing: the goddamned Mexicans are taking over everything!

Losing Waist! said...

I just wrote about my own father issues today...

It sucks and it is hard because EVERYONE wants a father... it is natural to drift off and forget (briefly). I am sorry to read of all of this, and hear another sad father story!!

Action Jackson said...

:(

Diana said...

Wow, Tricia. You're a much better person than me. I don't think I could be kind to him, I don't think I would even speak to him.

This certainly explains a lot about you. If it makes you feel even a tiny bit better, I had a wonderful childhood, with wonderful parents and I'm still a screwed up mess. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing the only REAL "Father's Day" post that I have ever read for the kids who didn't have a great dad. My father is very mentally-ill, and has never gotten any help for it, but he does spend most of his time feeling bad for himself. His Father's Day post this year was an homage to his dad, all emotional and loving, but the truth is his dad was an alcoholic and beat him.

wildfluffysheep said...

*hugs*
it makes me sad to read about other not so good father/daughter r.ships as mine is pretty good.

so just y'know *really heartwarming British HUGS*

TJ said...

:( sowwwy

LAF said...

He did all that and you still sent him a card, check, deodorant and called him?! Your compassion truly astounds me. I don't know if I could have been as generous with a person like that - even a dad. He is lucky to have someone like you in his life. I aspire to be as forgiving as you in situations much less painful.

Aimee said...

i didn't know you were in that club with me. f'ed up childhoods. not fun.

Carlos said...

fuck him!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

My parents split when I was six, my dad decided we'd be "better off without him". It took almost twenty years but I told him he was an idiot asshole and he had no right to make that decision. He's been in and out of various meaningless relationships since my mom and is probably doomed to die alone as he's rejected any attempt at a relationship with him from my brother and I. I get that love/hate thing. I really do. I'm sorry your dad was such an asshole. You didn't and don't deserve that.

tantra flower said...

I think you're a good daughter.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

Wow you are so much of a better person than I am. If I had gone through all of the same issues with my father (who I have my own wackey issues with) I wouldnt be calling him every other day. Good for you lady, good for you.

(Just got back from a kick ass vacay so you might get lots of comments today while I play catch up on my blog reading!)

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