I just came back from an Urgent Care Clinic.
I've been having this weird anxious feeling in my chest for like the last 12 hours and it won't go away.
I started to panic so I thought it would be best to have it checked out. They did an EKG but it came back normal. My blood pressure and blood sugar were okay too, not great, but not terrible either.
The doctor kept asking me if I was depressed or having suicidal thoughts. Maybe he was just screening before he prescribed some anti-anxiety pill for me, but it's still weird to have someone ask you that kinda stuff so persistantly. My answers were just like "not a lot." I assume most people get down from time to time. Being a constant social outcast definitely adds a little more to the mix, but I think for the mostpart I don't dwell too much on the negative.
It bothers me that I'm 31 and I've had 5 EKGs in my lifetime. All within the past two years. It bothers me that I have every warning sign and I take a shot and 6 pills a day and I'm totally aware of what I'm doing to myself yet I still do it. It bothers me that I'm not in control of my bad habits by this point knowing full well what the consequences are.
I wonder how many other people my age are up at 3am researching the symptons of a heart attack and wondering if it's worth the dramatic scene of calling 911 or if it's just really bad heartburn. I would bet not many. It's so frustrating. I judge myself the same way I would judge a crack addict knowingly killing themselves with no regards to their friends and family. That's essentially what I'm doing.
The doctor asks what causes my depression and the only thing I can think to say is disappointment. I'm disappointed that I let this become my life. At such a young age too. I don't have kids or a husband or a mortgage or a degree, but I do have diabetes and heart problems. That sucks.
He prescribed me Xanax and told me not to take them often and to try to get a good night's sleep. So I guess I'll go try to do that.
I know it's not too late for me to get myself out of this mess.