Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Put your money where your mouth is.

When the good people of POM contacted me to try their fancy devil juice, I said okay because I can't say no to anything free (try me!) Normally, juice is not something I would spend money on because I'm one of those assholes who's always like "JUST DRINK WATER - IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" Jeff goes through like a gallon of cranberry juice a nite, so I don't really need to be adding to the beverage bill in this house if we still wanna have luxuries like gas and power.

That being said, even hardcore water addicts like me need a little switcheroo SOMETIMES. So I tried to make some fancy POM cocktails and I had visions of showing up here to blog with calorie counts and nutritional info, but alas, the vodka just forced out a post about my failing relationship and I woke up the next day with a horsehead in my bed. OKAY POM PEOPLE, I'm on it. Chillax.
FIRST...there was the Rosey POMer. So named because of the rosy color and also because it made me want to masturbate. Mix Vodka, Perrier, POM, and some barely legal porn. Stick a lemon wedge in there if you have it because we don't wanna look like some white trash juke joint in here. Nothing is too fancy for my free juice. This is prolly like...14 calories or something. Have ten and then pour your heart out on blogger. This should yield you a lot of comments as people love reading about misery.

Next up, we got the POM Collins. Not to be confused with a Tom Collins, because those are gross. You may be looking at this picture and saying "Whoa, two kinds of juices, what am I, made of money?" Silly. I live in Las Vegas. All I have to do is sit at a slot machine and wait for an old lady to walk by in a feathery outfit and ask me what I want. "ONE PINEAPPLE JUICE PLEASE!" You even get it in a fancy single-serve can shown here. Though for the record, that can was actually two servings. Mix in a shot of Vodka and the ever important POM juice, and you've got a party in your mouth (and everyone's cumming! GET IT??) 7 calories. Drink seven...1 point.
Sunday morning, I was obviously feeling shitty. Also, I only have one fancy glass, and I forgot to wash it so I just decided to mix up some POM tea. Make some tea, pour in some POM, and then drink it. This glass was also free because I stole it from Sam's Town the night of my office Christmas party.
So each bottle of POM is only 150 cals, and I made 5 drinks per bottle. So...that's like...math. I would probably buy some if I wanted to spend another weekend drinking myself into a deep depression, but thanks to THE AWESOME POM CORPORATION, I still have 6 unopened bottles to go. This whole adventure only cost 79cents for the perrier and 13 cents for the lemon.

So...yeah...POM...get some. I got like 20 comments that night and you guys know you want some of that action. GET SOME!

Also, I would like to end on this note because it's been cracking me up for like an hour:



big_mummy said...

I am sure that the people at pom are loving the review Tricia! and just knowing the "made me want to masterbate" qualitys, has me sold. I have only seen pom juice in cartons here though... I will have to search! getting trashed and counting towards fruit and veg count? bonus.

as far as checkerboard pants go, that will need to be custom made.... i have a sewing machine guys. just sayin.

Kelly said...

I am laughing so hard. Really. I have this mental image of the corporate people of POM checking out your review of their product...all sitting around a conference table.....putting the web site on the big screen for all the execs to read and review.....and then the top dog goes "WTF?!" LOL Love it. And I'd like to say that I'm slightly jealous that they asked you to try the stuff. I've been wanting to try that stuff for a while but never broke down and bought some.

Love your blog. I'd love to meet you in person and mix some crazy drinks. You're hilarious.
And please, let's not work towards the dudes on the bikes. How about shooting for drop dead sexy instead? mmmmk?

jessi said...

i applaud your alcoholic creativity!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Thanks for this post Tricia, I needed to giggle this morning!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

You and I may have single-handedly (or double-handedly, I suppose), destroyed the pomagranite juice industry. High five!!!!!!!

bbubblyb said...

Vodka makes me horny too (did I just type that?) That's why hubby keeps a bottle in the freezer all the time lol. Loved the review of POM, I will have to try it next time with my vodka. Loved the review and I'm guessing so will the POM people.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I dont know if you have Sirius or XM Radio, but on Cosmo they always do the "Shiek Cocktail of the Week" and its this obnoxious valley girl that has a raspy voice that reads the ingredients and instructions. I just read this post with her voice in my head...HILARIOUS. You should do the cosmo cocktail of the week readings, I'd seriously not switch the channel during them if you did!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

Oh and your cocktails (yeah I said COCK) are way easier! Theirs always have things like spirals of lemon zest twist with a lime wedge soaked in simple syrup on Sundays at high noon with a crushed burnt ginger rim on the glass.

Oh and yes, my drunks were probably less insightful than your weekend drunks BUT the hangovers were a son of a bitch none the less.

wildfluffysheep said...

Some one else getting POM stuff? really? seriously? See their campaign is working 'cause now I really want some cause everyone has it. Bah! I'm such a sheep.

I want a Rosey POMer....

Camevil said...

This is the best anti-diet product review ever! Taking a "healthy" product and turning into an evil concoction cracks me up. And, I want to try some of those recipes.

I wonder what you would do if you were asked to review oatmeal, or those "see me fitter" pictures. Probably some crazy sploshing porno spread, I'm sure.

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