Some weird shit has been going on lately. A couple nights ago, my brother's friend killed himself. He was in his garage working on his Art Car with some friends. He told them to hang on for a minute and went inside his house and took off all his clothes. He grabbed his dad's old shotgun (the same one his dad used to kill himself over a decade ago) and was about to pull the trigger when his wife walked in and saw him. She started screaming and wrestling the gun away from him. He pushed her and the shotgun away and reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a pistol and shot himself in front of her. I don't understand this at all. My brother said he emailed him earlier in the day inviting him to an art show this weekend, so it doesn't seem like it was a planned thing. I mean, his friends were still in the garage working on the car.
I try not to be too judgemental when someone kills themselves. On one hand, I do think it's a selfish thing to do. I know he dealt with depression issues for many years. I think most people, at some point in their life, have hit a low point and had fleeting thoughts of doing it. But I wonder what makes you snap? Like what thought could have been so horrible in that one moment that makes you leave your friends to go kill yourself in the middle of the evening?
As most of you know, I don't deal well with death. I internalize it too much, and it turns into my own personal tragedy even if I barely knew the person. I think about how it would feel if that had been my friend, my brother, my dad, etc. I remember the pain of losing my mom and my neice and it all floods back in this weird wave of emotion that I can't control even though I know it's a little silly to create this suffering. I don't know why I do it, but I'll obsess over it for days and days and then finally just move on.
Anyway, I haven't seen this guy in probably a good six years. When I lived at home, I was basically my brother's shadow anytime he'd let me be around. By default, all the people in his life became the people in my life. I remember this dude as like a really happy, helpful, funny guy. I can't imagine him doing this, but it's done, so that shows how much I really knew about him. I did have a weird dream about him last night though.
I went to bed in a bad mood because my sisters are essentially dividing my family into these two camps of YOU'RE WITH US or FUCK YOU STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. God forbid someone should have a different viewpoint than them on something. They're avoiding my calls and basically pretending I don't exist because I think what they're doing to my dad is fucked up and selfish.
I feel like I've spent my whole life playing the middle ground. I've always been more concerned with being likeable and neutral than with taking a stand for anything I actually believe in. But I can say at this moment: My sisters are being selfish cunts. And since they don't want to talk to me or even try to explain their side of the story, my opinion stands.
In the dream, my brother's friend was telling me to stop being a doormat. Stop letting everyone tell me what to think. Stop making jokes instead of saying how I feel. We were having this profound conversation about why I think my opinions aren't important and he was standing there looking exactly like he did the last time I saw him six years ago, but with half his face hanging off. Why do I dream this shit? Why do I need to work out my personal issues in my head with dead people that I barely know? It was a moment right outta Six Feet Under.
I'm not sure that I have a point here. I want my sisters to know how I feel but now that I'm ready to let my voice be heard, no one is willing to listen. They don't care how I feel about the situation. I'll always be a little kid to them, no matter how old or pissed off I get. It angers me that I spent my whole life listening to every asshole I know tell me their overrated victimizing bullshit side of the story and now mine doesn't matter at all.
I'm in a weird fucking mood and I can't stop googling this guy's name to read people's sad stories about him. Fucking brain, sometimes I wish it would just chill the fuck out.