Friday, July 17, 2009

Sometimes stuff just sucks...

Some weird shit has been going on lately. A couple nights ago, my brother's friend killed himself. He was in his garage working on his Art Car with some friends. He told them to hang on for a minute and went inside his house and took off all his clothes. He grabbed his dad's old shotgun (the same one his dad used to kill himself over a decade ago) and was about to pull the trigger when his wife walked in and saw him. She started screaming and wrestling the gun away from him. He pushed her and the shotgun away and reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a pistol and shot himself in front of her. I don't understand this at all. My brother said he emailed him earlier in the day inviting him to an art show this weekend, so it doesn't seem like it was a planned thing. I mean, his friends were still in the garage working on the car.

I try not to be too judgemental when someone kills themselves. On one hand, I do think it's a selfish thing to do. I know he dealt with depression issues for many years. I think most people, at some point in their life, have hit a low point and had fleeting thoughts of doing it. But I wonder what makes you snap? Like what thought could have been so horrible in that one moment that makes you leave your friends to go kill yourself in the middle of the evening?

As most of you know, I don't deal well with death. I internalize it too much, and it turns into my own personal tragedy even if I barely knew the person. I think about how it would feel if that had been my friend, my brother, my dad, etc. I remember the pain of losing my mom and my neice and it all floods back in this weird wave of emotion that I can't control even though I know it's a little silly to create this suffering. I don't know why I do it, but I'll obsess over it for days and days and then finally just move on.

Anyway, I haven't seen this guy in probably a good six years. When I lived at home, I was basically my brother's shadow anytime he'd let me be around. By default, all the people in his life became the people in my life. I remember this dude as like a really happy, helpful, funny guy. I can't imagine him doing this, but it's done, so that shows how much I really knew about him. I did have a weird dream about him last night though.

I went to bed in a bad mood because my sisters are essentially dividing my family into these two camps of YOU'RE WITH US or FUCK YOU STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. God forbid someone should have a different viewpoint than them on something. They're avoiding my calls and basically pretending I don't exist because I think what they're doing to my dad is fucked up and selfish.

I feel like I've spent my whole life playing the middle ground. I've always been more concerned with being likeable and neutral than with taking a stand for anything I actually believe in. But I can say at this moment: My sisters are being selfish cunts. And since they don't want to talk to me or even try to explain their side of the story, my opinion stands.

In the dream, my brother's friend was telling me to stop being a doormat. Stop letting everyone tell me what to think. Stop making jokes instead of saying how I feel. We were having this profound conversation about why I think my opinions aren't important and he was standing there looking exactly like he did the last time I saw him six years ago, but with half his face hanging off. Why do I dream this shit? Why do I need to work out my personal issues in my head with dead people that I barely know? It was a moment right outta Six Feet Under.

I'm not sure that I have a point here. I want my sisters to know how I feel but now that I'm ready to let my voice be heard, no one is willing to listen. They don't care how I feel about the situation. I'll always be a little kid to them, no matter how old or pissed off I get. It angers me that I spent my whole life listening to every asshole I know tell me their overrated victimizing bullshit side of the story and now mine doesn't matter at all.

I'm in a weird fucking mood and I can't stop googling this guy's name to read people's sad stories about him. Fucking brain, sometimes I wish it would just chill the fuck out.


Tantra Flower said...

I'm proud of you for being ready to express your feelings. Eventually they will have to listen.

I'm just so sorry that you are dealing with all of this crap.

*Kisses Tricia*

Losing it in Vegas said...

Learning to let emotions and thoughts out is a tough process, but well worth it. Trust me on this. I spent many years trying to be "good" and agreeable.

Let your inner bitch out, it's the best you can do for yourself.

Dina said...

Wow. Sounds like a good dream to work through stuff in your head (even though it probably would have been less disturbing if the guy had his whole face). Glad you're standing up to your sisters, sounds like it's time.

@eloh said...

You can pick your friends, you can't pick your relatives, But you can choose which relatives you deal with/associate with.

Sorry about your brothers' friend. Sounds like he had it pretty well decided and set up. You said he was funny...the art show was probably his funeral or being there to witness his death. Maybe something pushed the date up a couple days.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Sorry to hear about your bro's friend. Suicide always makes death harder to deal with.

As for the dream, it's your subconscious silly. Telling yourself to quit being a doormat. Fuck your sisters, even if they don't listen, get it out man. That shit will eat at you forever if you don't.

wildfluffysheep said...

Heavy post, missus. Its not so good to hear about people taking their own lives *hugs*

i know what you going through with your sisters. i go through something similar with mine. i recently stood up to her. its hard and she didnt like it but i needed to do it. i hope things work out for you.

I love six feet under.

arielcircleofnine said...

(((Tricia)))) Im sorry to hear of your brother's friend and hope you can stop obsessing. I think your mind is using it as kind of a vehicle to get your attention; time to stand up and be heard! Its not my style either to make waves but sometimes you NEED to make big waves to get the attention deserved. I know families tend to treat you as a child and even make you FEEL like one at times but you gotta break that mold. Make them hear you roar---its that important!

Dina said...

oh I forgot to do the hug thing (((((tricia)))))

Monica said...

Tricia, Im so sorry for all that you are going through. Believe it or not, you and I have a lot in common with the death obsession thing. At least you can move on after a few days, mine seem to last longer. I obsess and obsess as if that will bring them back.

As for your sisters, what about writing them a letter? Even if you dont mail it, get it out of your system. I often find that the best revenge is doing well for yourself.

I hope you feel better soon.

foolsfitness said...

That's really wild stuff. To say life is weird or odd or hard... just doesn't cut it. I've sat many a night trying to understand things, only to reach the conclusion that I am an ant trying to comprehend the ocean. My faith reminds me God is in charge.

Still like your brothers friend we ultimatly do have choices. I tend to think people try to make the best choice they can, even if it's the wrong one.

But what can we do, except try to understand and self retrospect, and pray, and hopefully grow. Try to take a moment to make a wise choice, sometimes a better choice.

Trying to choose to live is the foolsfitness way- Alan

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