Friday, September 25, 2009

Falling for you.

I like making lists. Something about numbering or bullet points just makes me happy. So I wanna start doing a Friday Top 5. Maybe not every Friday, but...for now at least.

I was talking to my brother the other day and out of nowhere he asks "So have you had any good falls lately?" Maybe you don't know this about me, but I fall down a lot. Like...a lot. I tend to blame it on my fatness cause I can't see my feet when I walk really, or because fat lends it's way to gravity or something. Maybe I'm just clumsy...not sure really. Alls I know is that I fall down a great deal and it has led to a lifetime of jokes from my family.

My bro says that my problem is that I don't know "how" to fall. The way that most people catch themselves, or can jog their way out of a fall...yeah, I cant, and never do. Falling is like a grand event in my life and it always leaves me all beat up and embarrassed. I guess the irony of the situation is that if I see anyone else fall, I will fucking laugh about that shit for days and days, but clearly, I don't see the comedy in my own epic flailings.

Without further ado, I present to you my Top 5 Falls:

1. The Threesome: The movie Threesome came out when I was 16 years old. Being right in the prime of my hormonal teenage lets-talk-about-sex-babeee stage, I was all over it. I had planned for like weeks to go see it for my birthday with my sister-in-law. My mom, being a mom, was not too keen on the idea of me seeing a movie called Threesome, and basically was like "" But because I was turning 16 and I was LIKE SO TOTALLY AN ADULT LIKE OMG, I was like "eff that, we're goin." So I ditched school and off we went. Of course like any other time in my life that I try to do some sneaky shady shit, I have to do something stupid in order to get caught. This time...I fell. In my defense, movie theatres are dark and the floors are always slippery, so it's not that CRAZY that I could slip and fall. But the movie had just ended and I was trying to high-tail it outta there and I ended up doing like this crazy split turn move that ended me with me on that dirty buttery floor crying in pain. My SIL didn't see me fall and was already outside the theater waiting for me before she finally came back in to see me in a pathetic heap on the ground. I twisted my ankle something awful and thought for sure it was broken! So, like a wimp, I called my mom. Long story short: Worst.Birthday.Ever. Also, the movie sucked. Also I was grounded for a while. Also, screw you Stephen Baldwin. I'll never forgive you.

#2: The Screwdriver: This one's short and dirty. We were walking downtown to get to the Bayou City Art Festival one year. I was trying to run across this one street so I wouldn't get plowed down by a street cleaner truck that was inching its way towards the intersection. I trip over a pothole and fall in such a way that I was facing one direction when I started falling and through some whirlwind falling technique, I end up spinning like one and a half full turns before I hit the ground. Truck is still headed for my now immobile lump of a body in the middle of the steet. My brother comes over and is like "What the hell are you doing?? Unscrew yourself and let's go!" Thereby dubbed the forever haunts me.

#3: The 'That's What You Get': Being that I was the youngest and my brother was six years older than me, we had a typical "bully/annoying little sister" relationship. I hardly ever got the upper hand when it came to that little arrangement, but ONCE, one glorious day, I thought I did. My brother broke his bike trying to do a wheelie while being fat. So he was sitting on the curb with his friend while I was riding my bike back and forth in front of him saying obnoxious things like "man, it feels so good to have a bike!" and "wow, I sure do love HAVING A BIKE!" Fast forward about 40 seconds when my brother gets tired of my bullshit and chucks a big ass rock at my back tire as I ride by. In true Murphy's Law fashion, the rock gets stuck in the spoke and the tire stops dead in its track and the whole bike falls over to the side with my big ass still on it. I was riding around with no shoes on like the country bumpkin I was so the pedal squished my chubber toes underneath it. I broke 3 toes! I was like too fat to navigate with crutches so I had to use my dead granny's old Walker to get around the house for like the next 6 weeks. I refused to leave the was all very dramatic. And the worst part was that I couldn't even tattle because as soon as I fell over, my brother ran over and was like IF YOU TELL MOM I'M GONNA KILL YOU WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP! I still believe that threat to be very real.

#4: My Name is Mud: Growing up in Houston, bad weather is just a part of life. Flooding, hurricanes, tornadoes, humidity...if it sucks, we get it. So like, a little flash flood, it ain't no thang, really. One day after a short flash flood, I was bored and hungry and tired of being in my house. I asked my dad if he'd take me to get some lunch and he's all "blah blah I ain't takin' muh truck out in these waters blah blah whatever." That's verbatim, by the way. So I was like "well, I'm gonna walk down to the taqueria on the corner, I'm hungry." He just shook his head and said "Go on, can't tell you nothin', do what you want!" So I was like "uhhh....ok." and left. So I get there and have a couple tacos and start to head back and I see that they have the sidewalk taped off because they're doing construction in our neighbor's yard. Being the badass rebel that I am, I scoff and step over the tape and continue on my way. Then WHOOMP (there it is) right into a freaking hole I go. I didn't know they had torn up the sidewalk during the construction and I couldn't see because of the standing floodwater. I'm trying to climb my way outta this damn mud pit and it feels like the harder I fight, the farther I go into the hole. It didn't help that I was wearing some cheap ass Old Navy plastic flipflops that were both firmly planted into the mud by now. I finally got out, but man, my legs were all covered in mud and my shoes were lost in the muddy abyss never to be seen again. Because I didn't wanna listen to my dad's I-told-you-so's, I walked over to the hose in front of our house and hosed off my sad mud-covered legs. Once I thought I was free of the evidence, I went in the house and there was my dad standing at the window fucking cracking up having watched the whole thing transpire. Being the gossipping old lady that he is, I basically had to hear everyone I know tell me my dad had told them all about my fall over the next few days. Argh.

#5: Never Can Say Goodbye: When I as nine years old, my uncle Barney died. My mom's family is from this little hick town in Texas called Belton. Because my uncle was a single dude still, they decided to bury him in the family plot in Belton. I had been to funerals before, for my gramma and my brother-in-law, but I had never been to a country ass funeral like this before. My other uncles had to dig the freaking hole! It was old-timey, to say the least. So maybe it's a Baptist thing, but whenever someone dies, they have that big spray of flowers that they put on top of the casket and after the services, people walk by and take a flower to keep or press or whatever. So being a young annoying kid, I was wayyy in the back of the flower-getting line. By the time I got up there, all that was left were a few weak ass carnations. So once everyone stopped paying attention, I decided to go around to the other side of the casket and get one of the remaining roses that were out of reach. Because my uncles are not professional gravediggers, the hole was all uneven and covered with like a green sheet. Stupid me, took one step too many and there goes my short little fat left leg right into the grave. Trying to teeter the delicate balance of not wanting to plunge all of 6 feet into the hole of uncertain death but also not wanting to call out for help and be made fun of for life, I did what any self-respecting brat would do. I hunkered down and waited for someone to come look for me. Unfornately that someone was my brother who then muttered the now infamous quote "Mom, Tricia's stuck in the gravehole." Enter chaos. I was pulled from impending doom, but now some two decades later, no funeral passes without at least a few comments of "Hey, try not to fall in this time." I have no doubt that when I die, my brother will stand over my coffin and lean over slightly to whisper over my corpse "it's okay to fall in this time, Trishy." Sentimental!

There you have it. This was long, I know, and if you made it this far, you are to be commended. Hopefully you had a few laughs and learned a little something along the way, mostly that my brother is a jerk.

If you have any funny fall stories, consider my comment section your sanctuary.


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

The most embarrassing fall was at a meeting of some "hoity toity" ladies. I didn't want to go, because I felt out of place, but my friend convinced me to come with her. I was trying to walk tall and fake that I felt like I belonged there. As we were entering the meeting room I was looking up so "tall" that I dug my toe into the threshold of the door and fell splat on my face.

When I excused myself to go freshen up, I went right past the bathroom, to my car, and went home! Fortunately my friend and I had come in separate cars so I didn't leave her stranded!

Dina said...

Damn, I thought I'd get first comment. I already told you my awesomest falling stories. But yours trump mine, AS USUAL.

Fat Daddy said...

OK, I laughed...what else is there to do right?

Fell in a grave...OMG!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I LOVE A GOOD FALL. No seriously, I rewind them and watch them over and over.

FYI-I'm crying at my desk from laughing so hard. Now I'm the weird chick that cries, thanks.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

Oh and my best fall...I was the first person to finish a final for a class in college. You had to walk up onto this big stage to drop off the exam book. I fell UP the entire 7-10 stairs landing face first. One of my roommates was also in the class. I asked him if anyone noticed the fat chick falling. His response "Emm about 1500 of them noticed, the other 500 not so much."

Angie P said...

I love your falling stories...the "gravehole" is the BEST...LOL! Have a great weekend

Anonymous said...

I plan to use the word "gravehole" as often as possible today. O.M.G.

The only falling story I have is a dance recital fall. I must have been 6 or 7, and was this chubby little kid taking tap. I was SO excied because for whatever reason, I got a little 5 second solo in our big recital number. The time came, and I began flapping my way from my spot in the back corner to the front and center position, stage dark and spotlight on me.

And I flap-crashed. Hit something slippery, both feet went flying, and I landed flat on my chubby little stomach. Stage dark, spotlight on me.

By the time I got up my solo was over and I had to flap my way back to my corner.

Donna said...

"Go on, can't tell you nothin', do what you want!" <--- My kind of girl!

I suppose my funniest fall was around the campfire. We're all chillaxing in those new fold-up chairs that everyone slings over their back now. I thought I was cool though; I had a lougner version (they were new!). So I have my beer and I straddle the lounger ever so carefully. As soon as I planted my barn-sized butt in the seat the whole thing fell over backwards.

Of course not a drop of beer was lost; that would be alcohol abuse.

Nothing hurt, except my pride. LOL

big_mummy said...

omg Tricia, seriously, i need your blog on murky days like today. Clearly i laughed, but good grief, a grave lol

Donna said...

By the way... meant to also mention, I'm in League City and I still hate Houston weather.

amanda said...

I fall down alot too!! - I've fallen and gotten stitches, fallen down a flight of stairs and landed head first on concrete, in 8th grade I fell down the steps in front of the school in front of a bunch of high school boys on the day of our spring dance, as a freshman I fell in the gym in front of the senior PE class, and most recently fell in the bathtub while taking a shower and managed to hit my hip on the ceramic soap holder thing in the tile. I nearly passed out and my husband had to drag my limp body, soaking wet, out of the shower and lay me down in the floor so I could recover.

Shelley said...

Tears, I am in TEARS laughing over this work, no less!!! Oh Tricia, you can tell a story so well - love you, girlfriend!!!

Anonymous said...

So I don't fall often but the 2 times I remember having very public falls were at the hospital on the way to go support my husband's family who were on the death watch. I had spent the whole day out in the sun at a company picnic and with my mom (aka it was a horrible day). As I was walking in the hospital in a hurried rush my flops hit the wet floor and then I followed. As I got back up, I fell again. So I get up very carefully and walk slowly till dry ground. Well I'm upstairs with the fam and a couple come in from smoking and start talking about this girl who fell twice in the lobby. I couldn't help but turn red and they figured out it was me. There ya go!

TJ said...

Classic T....thx for sharing your life FALLS. :)

Graciela said...

Your stories (and especially the way you tell them) are priceless and no way can I top them, but here's my story:

As a young person I used to "just fall" alot...for no apparent reason. I'd just be walking along and boom...I'm down. I did it once in the airport in front of a whole pack of high school kids that must have been on a class trip or something. They laughed like crazy at me...and then we all ended up on the same plane. I had to walk by most of them to get to my seat. It might have just been my imagination, but I'm sure they were all laughing and snickering as I went by.

And since my name is Graciela (a derivative of Grace), everyone in my family always laughs about that. Ha ha, there she goes again, our graceful Graciela.

Roder said...


Slimmer Side of Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Slimmer Side of Me said...

I fall all the time - but I tend to try and block them from my memory. I don't know what it is but I can be walking across a flat surface with nothing in my way and still end up on the ground. I also walk INTO things. Things like desks, doors, and walls.
I remember when my little sister became similarly afflicted and was quite distressed about all the unexplainable bruises. I, being a good and supportive sister, told her that I had the same problem, you know to let her know that she isn't alone. She looked at me hope in her eyes and asked "So when did it stop?" I smiled at her sympathetically and said "Oh sweetie it never stops."

Allison said...

My worst fall was when I, 10 or so I guess. I was jumping rope (jump-roping), and decided to show off by jumping rope AND running fast down a slope in our driveway, at the same time.
I tripped, slid down the driveway slope on my knees. I don't wear shorts for two reasons, 1) my legs are too fat, and 2) I have huge scars on my knees from that fall.
The last time I wore shorts, that I can remember, I was babysitting, and the kids basically asked, What the hell are those things on your knees? So then my pride along with my knees were scarred, hence the lack of shorts since.

Amy said...

okay, here's mine: I'm in 6th grade (so...whatever age that is) and I'm living in Illinois - next to this big hay field. I'm there playing hide and seek or tag or some dumb shit....and there I am running through the hayfield like one of those annoying dogs that bounce up when they there I am....bounce....bounce....and then I went flying forward in slow mo - slamming my brace face to the ground....and breaking my ankle. Turns out, my foot fell into a gopher hole. "How'd you break that ankle?!" "Um. I fell in a gopher hole."

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making your pain our entertainment. Excellent story-telling. You should write a book.

Erin said...

i'm not so much a fall-er as i am a slipper. in high school my closest friends reminded me constantly of my infamous "Mudslide 1 and 2"

mudslide one goes like this: its superbowl sunday and i'm going over to my girlies house to watch commercials. its raining. yucky. i'm hurrying out of the house to get to her car and my foot hits a biiiig patch of hidden mud. somehow i managage to land straight on my ass, but the pile of precious crap i was holding in my arms got held out of the way. my friend, cracking up like all good friends do, came over and just plucked the stuff out of my hands and went to go wait in the car. said nothing. just left me to my crushing embarrassment lol

mudslide 2 happened on halloween. we were 17 or so, all pumped up cause we were seniors and rebels. we went trick or treating. and then pranking..wooo. well, we had just gotten done covering our friend richard's car in pads and ketchup (seriously mature, yea?) and we were all a-giggle running away and then WHAM! erin is face first in a ditch. i don't think i've ever gotten up so fast in my life lol.

my mudslides and various clumsiness were so infamous they even got a mention in our senior yearbook. ohhhh yea. that was fun. i rocked it though.

you and your brother sound a hell of a lot like me and mine. only i'm the older one. we still have the "hey craig?" yea? "just wanted to let you know i'm gonna kill you today" ok, thanks for the notice.

Jenn said...

I've had quite a few in my day. Here's the best:
I was in the school musical, and I had one point where I was center stage with just one other person. I even had some lines to say! It was my moment. So there I am, doing my thing, and the guy on stage with me is supposed to take my hand and lead me off.
I turn to leave, turn my ankle and fall backward, feet up in the air. I was wearing a dress, and I flashed the audience as I fell! Best of all, the guy on stage with me just watches this happen - doesn't help me up at all! So, I scramble to my feet and run off.
I was laughing about it (mostly), but the best part was that was the night they videotaped the show, so everyone has a copy with me falling on stage. Classic.

Susan said...

Honestly , you are anmazing writer . I look forward to reading your blog posts so much ! You can paint a picture with words ! And today I laughed so hard I thik I peed a little !

screwdestiny said...

Man, that was funny shit! I think my favorite was the mud one.

I pride myself on the fact that I am not generally a clumsy person, and I do not have many embarassing falls. But I can clearly remember my worst one. I was in dance practice for the drill team. During the very first part of the dance, I was one of three girls who had to stand up and kick my right leg straight up, next to my ear, while balancing on my toes of the left leg. Pretty simple, but I wasn't sure that I was kicking high enough, so when we were kind of taking a break, I asked the instructor if how I was doing it looked okay. I demonstrated, and the toes of my left standing leg just slipped right out from under me. I fell straight onto my side like *that*. It was a pretty comical fall, I gotta admit, but everyone was nice and made sure I didn't break my hip or anything before they started to laugh.

@eloh said...

Oh the horror, the horror. Just tell people you are related to Gerald Ford.

Tantra Flower said...

I'm laughing so hard. Can totally relate!!! I'm such a klutz. I wear every meal on my right boob and lose my footing almost every single day.

Because I'm lazy, I am copying and pasting the tale of what was probably my funniest fall from my very first post on my blog: I lost my footing while squatting to pee and fell off a cliff. And as I was tumbling and peeing all over myself? The Stray Cats.... I was rambling about '80s alternative being the background music of my teenage years or something. I used to be interesting. Anyway...

"So have you had any good falls lately?" :)

foolsfitness said...

I totally "fell" for your blog. It's good stuff.

Now that I think of it, I have horrible balance. I tried rollarblading once and couldn't even stand on them. Skateboards were a huge failure too.

Perhaps I'd do better at balancing my life?

And remember at Foolsfitness the scale always balances a little light.-Alan

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Oh Trish, I'm sorry, I laughed my ass off.

Now, I'm not a faller, I'm a runner into things-er. Shut the fuck up it is too a word!

One night, probably about 3 am, got up to go to the bathroom. The way my apartment was set up at the time the doorway was about three feet deep and the door opened directly onto the right wall, on the left was the closet (it came out that three feet). Knowing that I tend to run into shit I ALWAYS close the damn door on the closet. My hubs, as sweet as he is, forgot to close the fucker. So here I am walkin to the can both arms straight out in front of me. Now, the wall between the closet and door is like 8-12 inches wide so it fit PERFECTLY between my outstretched hands. I seriously had no clue. And then I did. There was no toe stubbing warning, I swore I broke my fucking nose on that thing! Hubs woke up to me screaming at him, tears streaming down my face, saying I'll kill him if he broke my nose. He had no idea what I was talking about.

To make it slightly more humiliating, earlier that day I had been talking to my mom and was going to walk out onto the balcony to have a smoke, and walked right through the screen. Yup...through it.

TjRenee said...

At least your falls are never boring. hehehe

My Top 3:

1. Basketball game in middle school. Fought with a much taller girl over the ball. When the ref blew the whistle for a jump ball, I still didn't let go. So, the big girl whipped the ball around and I went with it - right into the chairs - on my freaking belly.

2. Middle of lake. In a boat. I was 15 and trying to catch the eye of this guy in another boat that kept following us. My cousin stopped to talk to them. I walked from the back of the boat to the middle and went to sit on the railing. It was the door. The unlatched door. Fell backwards into the lake, right between the boats.

3. The old man my Mom married died. At his graveside service, the family walks in under the tent last. I get too close to the 'gravehole' and my right high heel goes down causing me to twist my ankle and lose my balance. Hubman was right behind me, so I didn't fall all the way to the ground. In front of all these people I say,'There's a hole there. Be careful.' Duh!

bbubblyb said...

I'm always falling down too lol. I had to read the bike story to Nicholas and Marie since I could so see that happening with them. But we all agreed that Nicholas would have such guilt over Marie breaking her toes that he would be bending over backwards to make it up to her, well at least for a second lol. Yep, I'd have to say your brother is in the jerk catagory lol.

Learning to be Less said...

Girl, thanks for the great ab workout. This was AWESOME! I cannot wait for the next top 5 list.

My family can be wankers like that too. My family has always told me lovely thing like my neck is the size of a tree trunk. Some sayings really stick with you (because they don't shut up about them).

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

"Stuck in the gravehole?" Ummmm, does your brother have a blog?

Jill said...

Those were hysterical, except for the parts where you get hurt.
Here's my fabulous fall story. It was springtime about two and a half years ago. My hubby was doing a project in the house, and for some reason I can not fathom, I must help him. He likes to be helped. I remember when the children were small he used to irritate me by changing the babies' diapers and insisting that I *help* him. I am tired, overworked, cranky and the whole point of YOU CHANGING the diaper is that YOU DO IT. It's a one person job for Pete's sake! But I digress.
So, I am helping him by going to get a tool from the garage (didn't he know he'd need that tool? How the heck do I know where it is? Whatever) and I need to find it in a hurry. Spring has recently sprung, and I'm feeling my oats, so I RUN out the door, and decide to save time by going down the grass, rather than down our icy walk. Grass is obviously going to be safer than ice at a dash, right? Wrong. Warm day + Frozen ground + Sun shining = Sleuth mud hiding under that innocent-looking grass. I slip, and go ass over teacups (what exactly are the teacups, anyway?), literally flying and land flat on my back.

Now for something completely different.

Two things about falling. Scenario 1:
All this falling might not be your fault. My youngest has Autism; separate from that, he fell *alot* as a child, and I could never figure it out, as he appeared to have excellent balance. His occupational therapist told me has has good balance, but a poor balance reaction. That instinct that causes you to right yourself, or at least catch yourself on your arms (rather than your head) wasn't well developed in him. Could be with you, too. He's fine now, by the way.

Scenario Two: Maybe you could fix this problem. The above scene happened to me about a year after a bout with mono, and I was not getting better. I was falling about once a month. Long story short, I had a vitamin D deficiency. I started taking copious amounts of cod liver oil, and now I don't fall anymore. Other things have changed that have made me believe I've had a D deficiency for a lot longer. Maybe most of my life. Could be for you, too. Also, I work with seniors, and gave them some information on vitamin D recently and it basically said that Vitamin D supplementation in seniors *whether there was a deficiency or not* improved fall rates. In other words, vitamn D = less falling.

In any case, it's worth the blood work to find out, at least. Because while all this falling makes for a great blog entry, I bet money you'd b3e happy to never have to write another one like this.

Lorie said...

You rock man!! I am crying right now....and don't feel bad, I tripped walking up my deck steps this weekend and lots people were laughing at me.

Pam said...

Oh my gosh! You had me crackin' up here! I tried to pick a fav, but no can do. They are all freakin' hilarious! I used to be real bad at falling like that too, but somehow it's receded like my husbands hairline. Good thing too. I can't imagine falling at 280 lbs. with bursitis of the knees. Yikessss!
Most embarrassing fall: In the dawn of the disco age and my late teens, I thought I was it. The bomb. The Quiana diva. I had a date with this hot tall handsome dark dude I had been lusting over for months. We worked at a restaurant. I was the hostess and he was the chef. Que romantic, no? We decided to go to the hottest disco in town. It was built in a hip New England deco and styled to look like an old lighthouse (looking back it cracks me up...a lighthouse in La Puente? the barrio of the San Gabriel Valley and ghetto burb of Los Angeles? uh huh). Anyways, I walk in dressed in Quiana and gold strappy sandals with this hot dude on my arm and thinking that I'm the hottest 18 year old that's ever crossed this threshold. The hostess asks us if we want to take the "slide or stairs" down to the disco. I look at the slide which was so steep that I couldn't even see further than 5 feet of it before it disappeared into the disco basement. So I say...oh no...we'll take the stairs. I take my first step down the stairs and somehow my right foot slips off the stair and I hit the wooden stair hard on my ass as I proceed to bounce down three more stairs riding the wild glute wave. Fortunately I only rode three stairs, but then I looked down to see my dress up around my waist as terror hits my face when I realize that it was the friction of my ass cheeks against the stair that stopped me. I look up for my date and he's running down the stairs and I'm thinking "oh great he's left me!" And then he comes back up the stairs and is holding the heel to my show in his hand and trying to give it back to me.
Hands down. Most humiliating fall for me ever. Or at least, so far. Thanks for the laughs!

Pam said... = shoe. I get excited when I have to remember something and type it out. It's like I might lose my train of thought or something. Sucks to grow old.

Community said...

What's a good song to listen to when you're falling for a guy?

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