Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Smells like caramel.

Man, being on a diet while being stuck in bed most of the day SUCKS. Alls I do is lay there thinking about where the hidden food in my house is. That Snickers in the liquor cabinet. That chocolate orange I bought for Jeff that's still in his stocking still hanging on the living room wall because we don't have a chimney. That bag of dark chocolate Doves that I bought in Halloween Clearance and stuck in the freezer by justifying to myself that "if you only eat one a day, that's not so bad!" Yeah right.

Food hoarding came to me honestly since my mom was a mega superstar at it. As a fat little tyke, all I had to do was ram my stubby little hand down into the bottom of my mom's giant purse to hit a sugary payload. At the very least, there would be the "emergency" roll of lifesavers that was meant to save her life in case her blood sugar went too low. But to me, it just meant mom always had candy. Her stash of Whitmans or chocolate-covered cherries in her closet...her bag of cherry sours in her sock drawer...or even the chick-o-stick hiding in the recliner side pocket. This habit certainly didn't start with me...NOT that it's any excuse. My mom isn't exactly the person I wanna model my healthy habits after. I sure do love her, but healthy, she was not.

I was talking to Dina (remember her??) the other day about how my job offers 28 days of in-house rehabilitation if necessary. If only I could afford to take 28 days off! Taking off 3 weeks for my foot nearly made me homeless, so adding a month to it isn't really an option. I'm only now getting to the stage in my life where I realize my struggles with food are more than just "hey, I like food, lay off!" It IS an addiction. No normal person lays in bed wondering if it's worth limping 40 steps on a broken foot to steal someone else's christmas chocolate.

Still, I struggle with the notion. It makes me feel weak. Hi, my name is Tricia and I really like cake. No, I mean really. (Altogether now: HI TRICIA.)

I always thought I could turn it off. I remember a specific incident from my childhood pretty vividly when I think about how far I let myself go. My mom and I were at KFC (shocker) on a Sunday morning after church. A rather large lady walked in and started ordering food. I remember staring at her, which now I realize was a shitty thing to do, but at the time I think I was just summing it up. My mom must have seen me staring because when I got back to the table, she said "that could be you one day, you know?" Pfft. I very matter-of-factly told her, through the wisdom of all my eight years on earth so far, that i would NEVER let it get that far, and that I had every intention of getting thin as a teenager like my sisters did. Here I sit probably a good 50 pounds heavier than that lady was that day and wondering why even the torture of a fat adolescence was never enough to make me stop.

I know it's easy when you're doing well to say "Just do it. Stop whining and just do it." I say it myself when I'm reading blogs while I'm tearing ass. I don't know why that little switch in my brain hasn't flipped yet. The one that says "hey, do you wanna die today? If not, then let's do this..." Maybe it's buried under a pile of Almond Joys or something.

I wish it would just fucking flip already. But like my dad always says, "wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full faster." In case you're wondering, it's the shit hand. All my good intentions are the shittiest diet ever so I guess I should just figure out what I'm gonna do and fucking do it.

I ate a Twix bar as I wrote this post...can you smell the hypocrisy? Also, that chocolate orange didn't stand a chance.

P.S. If you're gonna comment, don't try to go all tough-love on me. It only reminds me of my dad and makes me kinda hate you. I can hate myself enough for both of us, thank you very kindly.


TJ said...

I vaguely remember that girl Dina you mentioned... :)

Im not going to get all crazy on you...because I use to hit up 3 fast food places to get my FIX and hide the wrappers after I binged. Sweets are not my THANG but I still understand. I don't know why I stuffed my face until I felt like I was going to barf day after day...or why I stopped. I know a journey to better health can seem like a long one, but you have a LONG life ahead of you my friend and I want the BEST for you! :)

Your Cheerleader Friend,

ps I always hated the cheerleaders- so me saying I am yours is sayin a lot! LOL :)

Anonymous said...

I lost five pounds in my first week of WW this week, then promptly shit all over it by bingeing on not one, but two chocolate bars today and a whole big-ass handful of chocolate ginger. WTF? I don't even like chocolate ginger. I was just all, ok, there's some chocolate, I think I'll eat it now.
I think my point is that food has every bit of control over us as drugs, or alcohol, or any other kind of addiction out there. It's a real thing. And that's something that WW or Atkins or a million other people get. I wish I knew how to solve it, but I don't even know how to get through one day sometimes. So if it helps, you are not alone, dearest. Not alone at all.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, that was supposed to say, that they DON'T get!

theantijared said...

HAHA!! You pooped in your hand to prove a point!

poo-poo hand!

Sara said...

No tough love here, T.

The longer I do this the more annoyed I become at the notion that obesity remains as one of the last bonafide, complex medical conditions that is still viewed as primarily a character flaw. An 80 poind woman starving herself to death is suffering from a condition worth scrutiny and compassion, but a 380 pound woman should just give up pie and get her fat ass on the treadmill already. It chaps my hide.

Like any addiction, there's no cure at present. There's just today, and what we do with it. (<--deep, huh?)

Hang in there. By your fingernails if you have to.

Sarah said...

When I was kid there was this switch in my house that I liked to flick off and on. Very satisfying clicking it over and over and over. Eventually it broke.

Yours will too.

arielcircleofnine said...

Tough love blows and Im not really coordinated enough to shit in my own hand either.I think life is a series of rounds with our demons. sometimes we knock em out, sometimes they get the K.O.
Just keep getting up is all---maybe the occaisonal kick to the nuts (if demons have huevos) or thumb to the eye socket too.
Hang in there Tricia!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Wow, Tricia... I've written and erased six different comments. Two funny, two tough-lovish, one that told you to forget it and have a cupcake and one that was just too gooey-mushy.

Hope it clicks for you one day, girl.

Kim said...

I promise you are not alone...it's nice to read your blog and know that I'm not the only one going through this. I keep telling myself I can just do it, but it's hard...very hard. Hell, I just realized today my scale only goes up to 380...mine goes up to 390 apparently so that means I probably weigh even more than that. What a buzzkill. So, now my new goal is to get down low enough to make my scale work for me again. I just started a weightloss blog if you wanna come check me out. It's http://savingmylife-kim.blogspot.com/

Diana said...

Well, crap. Like Jack I've written you a book of comments. I don't know what to say. I want to be supportive, I want to help you, but I don't know how to do it.

Most days I'm barely able to help myself. It's a struggle. Always has been, always will be for me. Every single day I fight it, this insane power that food has over me.

I guess there's really only one piece of advice I can offer, don't ever give up.

Take care of yourself Tricia.

Anonymous said...

If AA works for people with an addiction to alcohol, and NA works for people with an addiction to drugs, then it only makes sense that OA would work for people with an addiction to food.

I'm sorry, and I've been there.

Julie said...

I find you inspiring..you say all the things other people don't because you don't seem afraid. Hang in there...and keep being honest.

bbubblyb said...

I'm with Diana on this one, just never give up on yourself. That click happens when it wants to and who knows if it will be at 30 or 60. Just hang in there.

I remember my mom was the queen of food hoarding, she kept it all by her recliner in her room. Not sure what she thought was happening to all those hershey kisses and devil cookies. I would always just take one or two at a time. Even to this day I hoard food "stand clear kids of my sugar free fudgesicles or you'll loose a hand". I have my own drawer in the fridge and a shelf in the freezer and cabinet. I'm definitely my mother's daughter for sure lol.

Hope you're foot is healing up.

Dana (www.eatsleepgetfit.com) said...

I don't think this is tough love...but I think you just really need to dig deep and figure out that you want this for you, for your health, for whatever. I have struggled with this concept forever, and like many others have lost and gained weight as time went on. This year I am done. It's for life. It's not going to be easy, but I'm off to a damn good start. All you can do is take it one day at a time, and if you mess up, start over, and try and learn from it for next time. I believe the only way you will make a change is when you decide you REALLY REALLY want it. And I mean REALLY. I know what you mean about the switch tho. I feel like that switch could go OFF on my at anytime, since I have been 20 days 'binge free'.

Keep your head up girl.

screwdestiny said...

Well, I'd flip the switch for you if I could, but I can't seem to find it either. Good luck.

Lorie said...

My dearest grandmother Ruby always made sure I was well fed. She taught me how to cook, pushed a chair up to the stove so I could cook a burger once. It started young for me and I am 34 and just now able to take control of my food. I have days where I eat crap I know I shouldn't but I do. I know certain foods shouldn't be in my house but they are anyways. I don't know why. Just keep fighting the good fight girl. I can't promise it will get easier but you are definitely worth it.
Lorie :)

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I want a twix bar. You wicked tease.

Anonymous said...

Hey Don't Beat Yourself Up! Im 31 and finally for the past year I've been able to lose well alot of weight and still have awhile to go. When I want candy I eat it. Life can't be about dieting I didn't realise this until last year. I've been following your blog for awhile now and it seems to me that you have alot of other crap from others going on in your life. I did too and until you can say screw everyone else and everything you can't control and really believe it eating will be an issue. Food is supposed to taste good we are supposed to eat and when we can weed out all the stuff that makes us want to eat ex..stupid people...then you don't want to eat so much. For the past 30 years of my life I punished myself for all the crap that was going on around me. So now when I want a candy bar I know its just because I want one and its good so I eat it. I no longer eat ten candy bars because my sisters are crazy or the damn dog peed on the floor. Hope you understand this Im not sure if I even completely understand this but keep your head up and don't punish yourself.

Camevil said...

Man, way to beat yourself up while you're down. You've had a pretty sucky month. When it comes to tough love, I got nothing. Now, when you get back on two good feet, then we'll talk.

Carlos said...

dude i've eaten more of those fucking chocolate oranges over the holidays than i care to admit... fucking christmas... hang in there

wildfluffysheep said...

christmas chocolates suck.
laying in bed with a broken foot thinking about food sucks.

<3 all i got is love.

Anonymous said...

Come back! Keep writing! Know we love you!

prashant said...

I know what you mean about the switch tho. I feel like that switch could go OFF on my at anytime, since I have been 20 days 'binge free'.
Grow taller for idiots

Post a Comment