Thursday, February 11, 2010

Your dad and I had a Moon Landing in the locker room.

As you may or may not remember, I got a new phone a few months ago. It's a MyTouch with Google. I pretty much walked in to T-Mobile and reached for the first thing that said the word Google and plunked down a cool two hundred bones and left with it. Still reeling over not being able to get one at Wal-Mart for like 1/10th of the price, I decided to be pissed at the phone. It didn't last. I can't stay mad at you, baby. With your maroonish hue and ability to allow me access to FaceBook in any bathroom in the world, you made me love you. (I didn't wanna do it...)

Since that fateful day, I've become something I always hated: a phone addict. It's ALWAYS on me. Be it pocket or bra, it's always ON MY PERSON (hate that saying, btw). I'm constantly fucking with it, checking email, facebook, twitter...pretty much doing everything except calling people...(how primitive!) I'm that person vaguely listening to your story at lunch time while I FaceBook how "OMG, my co-worker is boring me to DEATH!" What an asshole.

It didn't take long for Jeff to realize that I was paying even LESS attention to his stories as usual and see that this phone is pushing a rather large wedge in our "relationship." Rather than remedy it, we decided he needed a new phone too. Two new phones means two new data plans, plus insurance on said expensive new phones. Which means our cell phone bill went from "whoa" to "LIKE WHOA MAN WTF!"

As a result, I had to give up my beloved UNLIMITED TEXTS for a lowly 400. (One for each pound?) It's hard! I finally have a phone where you don't have to hit a button 4 times to make a capital "S" and now I have these crippling limitations! It's gotten to a point where I judgementally read each text I get and think to myself "what a waste!" The worst is when someone sends a series of tiny texts that could have been like, one sentence if they weren't just hitting SEND with such reckless abandon.

Here's the thing: I think I lost a friend today. It started innocently enough at 11:16am with the text "What kind of frosting did Jeff's cake have? It's now my life goal to make that cake!" I replied back "cream cheese frosting" and thought it was done! I went to lunch and came back to 31 missed texts! Ranging from "do you think i should omit the chocolate chips?" to "okay, i'm putting it innnnnnnnn" followed 25 minutes later by "i'm taking it outtttttttttt!!" Dude. I love cake. If you know me, you know my love of cake. And if I'm being totally serious, there's little more than I'd love to do all day than to get status updates of people's various cake-making efforts...BUT...not by text, dammit!

I checked my balance and realized I have 97 texts left to last the remaining 17 days of this month! I decided to be proactive and delicately tell her to chillax on the updates. "hey man, i'm not trying to be a bitch, but i'm on limited texts. why not email me a storyline?? :)" I thought it was cute and a good alternative to saying "DUDE CUT THE SHIT!", but alas, now she's all pissed and hurt. People are too sensitive these days! It's not like you're updating me on your impending labor and delivery...it's a cake. And for ME of all people to downplay a cake, you know it's excessive.

It's horrible timing on my part because she's semi-dating the British dude from trivia and I am living vicariously through her and I need the DEEEEEEETS. Damn, I really shot myself in my foot this time. I guess the moral of this story is that it's worth the extra ten bucks a month (being added to an already rape-like amount) just to not be deemed the text nazi. Now I'll never know what it's like to kiss those tight thin british lips. Le sigh.

(No segue...)

Anyway, it's almost my blogiversary! Only a few more weeks. I'm planning a giveaway, but I will warn you now that it's not for the faint of heart. Or anyone who can't take a joke (scram!) OR anyone who hates the word shit. No asterisks allowed!

Hope you dudes are doing fine. This was like the Seinfeld of updates. Because it's about nothing, not because it's funny. I'll try harder soon.

P.S. My new favorite show is called Modern Family and if you're not already watching it, please do so you will understand what will probably be a series of Blog Titles for me. Thanks! <3

12 comments:

TJ said...

lol I try to be budget friendly with my texts and it always leads to overspending! ggrrr So I had to increase! damn it! Giveaway time is a blast- cant wait to see what you got cookin over there! Whoo hoo!

theantijared said...

It was the all caps. Feeling are always hurt with the all caps. ARE YOU LISTENING!!!!!

Kelly said...

Can't wait for the giveaway!!!

I freakin' hate my phone with a red hot passion. That's some strong hate right there. My Blackberry sucks so badly that all of the trees in the area point to my house. because it's sucking them..... yeah.

Anyway, how's the foot?

screwdestiny said...

Ah, I love Modern Family! Did you see the latest episode? Too funny!

I hate people that text random crap that is unnecessary. In fact, I hate texting period.

Kim said...

Friggin funny post. Still lmao. Thanks, I needed that. :)

Pink Panda said...

Modern Family isn't as good as 30 rock.

Rebecca said...

seriously, phone plans are ridiculous!!

what I pay for 2 IPhones with unlimited data and text, I'm sure I could have a 3rd car! I mean nothing crazy but an Aveo at least!

arielcircleofnine said...

our cell phone bill is always at a rape-like amount and the only thing I use mine for is texting with the husband. HE is perpetually tied to his phone, though he'd probably hit me upside the head with it (or perhaps a less-loved item!) if he read that.....anyways, hope the friend gets over herself/himself cuz like, we all gots bills!!!!

Amy said...

I would rather type a 3 page text on my teeny ass phone and give myself a headache instead of actually calling someone. eh...whatever.

Sara said...

You can have my iPhone when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers.

I LOVE Modern Family.

"People will stare, they're not used to seeing one clown in a car."

Shit is hyserical.

Community said...

most of the girls in the locker room do not wear any underwear when they get changed for gym. should they do this and can you see any thing if they sit the wrong way.

Community said...

well they should wear panties and men should to, do you want your "junk" moving aroung while tryin to play?

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