Tuesday, March 16, 2010

If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.

When we started the Biggest Loser thing at work, I printed up a Skip A Weigh-In pass and handed one to everyone. Out of the ten people doing the challenge, EIGHT people used theirs yesterday! Dude...that's a lot. The only other person who even bothered weighing in was my boss, who lost 0.2. I can't let this allow me to get cocky! Apparently something happened this weekend that caused 80% of our team to fuck up, but I know that eventually, the person fucking up could be me, so I just need to stay on my damn toes.

On the real, I could sure use the money! I want some of those Step-Up shoes. I know they're not the greatest looking things on earth, but my legs are weak as shit and I need all the help I can get. But they're over a hundred bucks, which isn't something I just have laying around, you know? Damn economy. I shoulda entered Jack's giveaway! But...I think those peeps still woulda won because their comments were all beautifully crafted and mine woulda just been all "SNEAKERS! I need em!" because I am too lazy for all that thinking and proper sentence construction. (As is clearly evidenced by that mother of all run-ons.)

Anywho, that dude showed up for training and he seems all quiet and booooring. I dunno why we can never get any dudes at work that aren't either boring, weird or flat-out batshit crazy. Too much estrogen in Call Centers...I needs me a new line of work.

He's kind of a plump lil fella. I was taking him on the Grand Tour of our super awesome workroom and he spotted the scale from like a mile away. He's all "uhh...what the hell's that about?" Only a true fattie can hunt out a scale like that! I was like "we're doing this weight loss challenge thing..." to which he audibly GROANED. Where's the professionalism?? I assured him that he was too late to join in anyway and he seemed extremely relieved. No skin off my back...I'm perfectly happy with everyone in my life getting exponentially fatter as long as I'm not one of them. I'm already down to like two pairs of pants and I'm too cool for MuuMuus. As the late great multiple Oscar-award winning actress Jennifer Lopez once said..."Enough!"

In other news, check out this dinosaur in a boat!
I am really getting my money's worth of fun out of these dang orange peels every day.

This one old lady at work brought in this crazy ass magazine from 1972 and I was IN LOVE with it. The ads were...amazing. Seriously. I dunno about you guys, but if I had to think of the words for a maxi pad advertisement, I would try to stay away from the word TANGY...oh man, so gross.

And of course, vintage vibrators...TONING THROAT MUSCLES! I died. I am now dead. For reals.
I am going to send my $1 to this company and see how this diet works out for me. It can't be any worse than those Slim Shots, you know?


This post is way long. I'm sorry. But I wanted to add that I tried to make Healthy Chicken Parmesan for dinner tonite and it came out way shitty, as per the usual. I got that whole wheat pasta and man, I dunno what I'm doing wrong, but it was like a solid mass of weird lump on the plate. I couldn't even eat it. The only redeeming factor of the meal was that anytime I make pasta, I get to use my PASTASAURUS RAWRRRR. Here we are looking quite menacing...
Alright, I'm outta here. Have a happy Tuesday. Trivia tonite! More snacks to avoid! Then a potluck at work tomorrow because what St. Patrick's Day would be complete without the pressures of eating a bunch of shit at work. Erin Go...Blah?

15 comments:

Camevil said...

Be....tangy? And I thought those vibrator bullets were back massagers. Laziest advertising ever. That magazine is a time capsule for quaalude overuse in marketing departments during the 70's.

Amanda said...

Tangy? Yipes!

I have a book called Flow that has a ton of old feminine product ads in it. It's also arguing some point about women think their "times" are bad because they've been trained to do so by The Man... I read it when I want to yell at an inanimate object.

Love the pastasaurus!

Kelly said...

OMG, those old ads had me cracking up. Tangy pads is the grossest thing I've heard all day. The day is early though.

Hey, try Ronzoni Smart Taste pasta. It looks like regular pasta but it has more fiber and some other stuff.

Vibrating throat massager. LOL!!!

Keep up the good work on that weight loss. I hope you win tha contest at work.

Big Clyde said...

Maybe that magic weight loss pill IS a quaalude. Take one, go for a nice drive on a windy road and when you wake up (in the hospital three days later), you have lost 5 pounds...because they removed your spleen.

TJ said...

Don't send in your dollar- they cut your leg off! See that chick only has one leg! lol :)

LOVE your pastasaurus scooper! I wish we lived closer- Id totally cook for you , or at least show you how to make some yummy dishes! :) Cuz thats what frienddzzz do! :) WORD!

TANGY! lol

wildfluffysheep said...

I love everything about this post.
Particularly the pictures.
In particular the pastasuarus. I WANT ONE.

Shelley said...

I think you'd be better off sending $2.98 for the tingle bullet...

For your pasta, are you using a big pot of water to cook it in? And a little salt? Stirring quite often to keep it from clumping together? Plus I've found that whole wheat pasta takes a little longer to cook than regular. It can be good, and I hope you and your cute dino find that out soon!

ShredFail said...

Snort! I love old ads - they skill me!

I personally am not a fan of the whole wheat pasta. It has a weird texture. (I'm a good cook so it might not be your skills.)

ShredFail said...

Whoops- that would be "kill" me.

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

Cool boat!!

arielcircleofnine said...

Maybe too much vibrating bullet makes one's nether regions "Tangy".....eeek!!! what the HELL!? Good luck avoiding all the goodies tomorrow! At least most of them will probably be artificially green!

Dardrian said...

I want a pastasaurus! And a dino boat to go with.

screwdestiny said...

That Pastasaurus is awesome! Those ads are priceless. Thanks for sharing. And be strong at work tomorrow! St. Patrick's Day is so not a good enough reason to stuff your face.

Kim said...

I thought I was going to fall out of my chair laughing so hard! LOL! The vibrator thing and throat muscles....and tangy...LMAO! Ewww. Ya know, there's some really funny cookbooks from the 70's too...they had the grossest recipes, particularly Weight Watchers. I think all of them were on crack during that time period...heavily.
Add just a drizzle of oil to the pot when boiling the noodles and make sure you're using a lot of water...it should turn out fine after that. :) I want a Pastasaurus...so cool.
Oh, and lmao@ what TJ said.

Kim said...

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Here's the website to the funny Weight Watchers recipes if you want to look. It's all funny and gross at the same time...just like the ads in the magazine you were looking at. :)

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