Mono was like, the best diet ever.

Captain's Log: Day two in this strange land of pork chops and heavy whipping cream. Strong desire to eat Saltines. Must...resist...world's...most...boring...crackers...

I'm doing low-carb. I know I only want crackers because I can't have them. That's right, I said can't. This is where my old buddy Weight Watchers steps in and says "Stick with me, you can have anything!" then shows me a picture of a cupcake. It DOESN'T tell me that it's either the cupcake or a day's worth of food...my pick, of course.

I guess the thing is that I DO need restrictions. I need the equivalent of a drill sargent standing over me saying "drop that twinkie, chubbs!" But that gets expensive. And he's got my power bill SKY HIGH. So that's out.

I can't have some hepcat new-agey diet dude telling me "eat whatever you want. It's cool, maaannn." Cause then I eat whatever I want. Then I get fatter. Then my diabetes is all wonky. Then I die...or something. All because I listened to some hippie. Let that be a lesson to ya.

I KNOW it works for some of you guys. I know it COULD work for me if I wasn't such a greedy Chubb-Rock and I didn't have to eat in mass quantities.

Maybe this plan will work for me. Maybe it won't. Maybe it's "back to the drawring board, mum." Only time will tell. At this point, I would be willing to do ANY diet if I could actually just stick to it and not spend my days thinking of creative ways to cheat.

I guess there's always going into a voluntary coma or wiring my jaw shut. Keep hope alive!