Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Being 400 Pounds - Episode 2: Fear.

At my friend Angel's house, where we had the Girls' Night thing, there's something I'm very afraid of. Wanna see what it is?
Yeah, it's her fucking weird ass sliding glass door. That little segment of open-ness is all the room allowed to shimmy my big ass in or out of her house. I really DON'T fit. It sucks and it's embarrassing. I try to push myself out there while hopefully no one's looking. Finally getting through is a big relief! Then those fuckers wanna take the party back inside. AH FUCK. Again, wait for the prefect opportunity to squeeze the biscuits outta the can. Fuck that door, man. It ruins my night.

I never thought I would see the day where I could realistically say "Yo, I can't fit through your back door." Again, I say to you all, fuck that door.

Here are some things I'm not afraid of:
bats
snakes
airplanes
heights
Bigfoot (seems like an okay dude)
Vampires (the emo ones and the just regular ones...)
bloody gory movies

Here are some things I AM afraid of:
plastic lawn chairs
airplane seats
movie theater seats
turnstiles
booths
roller coasters
seat belts
all other belts
bar stools
high heels
cheap plastic toilet seats
school desks
raw chicken

Being 400 pounds means not fitting. Not fitting in, literally. Not fitting in, metaphorically.

It means having to wait longer at a restaurant for a table to open up so you don't have to try to squeeze all your junk into a booth and have a waiter look at you like he just handed you a cancer diagnosis as opposed to a menu.

It means going to a party and standing around for 6 hours because you're too worried about dealing with the shame of breaking a(nother) plastic lawn chair.

It means going to amusement parks and being the designated purse-holder because there's no way you can fit in any of the roller coasters. Essentially it means you spent 60 bucks to stand out in the hot summer sun and watch other people have a good time while you're dripping sweat into a stuffed Panda Bear the size of Jupiter that some dude won for a girl that isn't you.

It means having to deal with the anxiety of not knowing ahead of time if you'll fit in the seats at any given movie, concert, play, etc. Are you paying $100 to see a band you love or to be embarrassed in front of a group of strangers and ruining what should have been a great night? No way to tell.

It means quitting college and being too afraid to go back because you don't fit in those fucking desks. That one hurts more than I'd like to admit.

It means it sucks. I just wanna fit.

22 comments:

Laurie (GastricGirl.com) said...

I can 100000% relate to this post, as I had gone through so many of the exact same things too. I had found myself turning into a total hermit, because I felt most comfortable at home. Thank you for pouring your heart and soul into this post, it really shows!
xoxoxo
Laurie

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

I totally know what you mean. I got stuck in more chairs, restaurant booths, and was embarrassed in all kinds of situations.

I appreciate your honesty - it's not easy to share like that.

Big Clyde said...

Whew...this IS an honest post, but you are not alone. Those plastic lawn chairs are killers. A close cousin is those plastic/metal folding chairs at wedding receptions and high school graduation ceremonies. You have to do squats the entire time, floating over the chair seat.

Hang in there, girl. Your working on it.

Flabby McGee said...

Sometimes I think I'm the only one. Then I read something like this and see that I'm not. I hear and feel every word of this post, and I thank you for putting it down so well, I cried and then laughed through my tears, and then cried a little more. I think all of us want to fit, everyday. It hurts. You're totally awesome, regardless of size or weight. And, yeah, that door freaks me out too - and I"m only looking at the picture. :)

Katy said...

I feel physical pain right now just reading this and thinking about it. You're right, it sucks, it blows and it fucking hurts. A couple years ago I went to the Denver 6 flags and I was so anxious about fitting in the rides I hardly enjoyed myself. Booths...some are still a bit snug. Chairs-There's this breakfast place near by and ALL of their chairs are these OLD tiny antique chairs. I want to be like, HA, yeah right. I'm not testing those out!

Great post-I'm glad you're talking about this.

poisoncr8zylush said...

I'm scared of airplane seats too, movie seats not so much anymore. But I did attend a graduation at a school that was built about 60 years ago and the auditorium still has the original seats. The kind they used to have at the movies or at auctions. Little wood ones, with velvet seats that fold down and are roughly the size of my thigh. I felt massive trying to squeeze into one and then I was like no one sit next to me or I won't be able to breathe.

Anonymous said...

Conference room chairs on my first day of clinicals at nursing school: I could not fit my fat ass between the f*cking metal arms. Had to stand against the wall for over 2 hours while all my nursing school classmates sat in the chairs around the table during our orientation. (While the hospital rep, incidently, bragged endlessly about the hospital's most recent specialization: bariatric surgery.) My legs and feet (felt like they) had stress fractures before we even hit the med-surg floor for our 8 hour shift. *sob*

Thank you for exposing a cruel reality and facing the fear.

Al (losingharry) said...

It's like I'm reading my own fears (minus the high heels, I welcome those).

TJ said...

YOu are on your way to FITTING. Eff that door- man that is small! I am afraid of the vampires in the 30 days of night movie- I watched that when I was home alone (Sean was gone for a week) and I had bad nightmares all week long! Those guys were scary- I think it was the weird language they spoke- and those messed up teeth! They were not like classic fangs. I'm scaring myself now as I think about it! lol

Diana said...

Wow Tricia, that's quite a list, and really good reasons to stick to our healthy plan.

I often say I could easily weigh 500 pounds because I love to eat and fight the urge to binge every single day. My greatest fear is to wind up on one of those TLC shows about the morbidly obese who are now basically bed people. You know, where they have to cut down a wall to get them out of the house to the hosptial.

Even though I know I could and still might get there someday, I never thought of some of the things you've listed. Basic things like a movie or a chair, I never think about those things. Life is tough enough without those added fears.

You're doing the best I've seen you do and I've been reading everything you've write for about two years now. Keep it up Tricia. I'm so proud of you and happy for you. This time feels like your time. You're going to do it.

By the way, have you given up sugar? I swear it's changed my life. Give it up 100%, no "treats" at all that contain sugar. Artificial sweeteners are okay, sugar is not. It's really made a difference in my cravings.

Go Tricia!

CinciMom11 said...

BIG HUGS! Come back here and read this post whenever you need motivation! You are so socially active - you get out so much! Amusements parks, concerts, girls' nights, movies... Wow! I'm a social lame-o. :)

POD said...

It means hiding. It means sheltering oneself away from friends and family. It means watching too much TV. It means watching life pass you by.

This post killed me.

Tricia said...

TOTALLY get this! One of my "aha" moments was when I sat down in our WOODEN kitchen chair while holding my baby and it broke. I ended up on my butt, luckily the baby was fine.

Twon said...

OMG I just ADORE you!! :) I went to a BBQ where the porch had a tent cover thing that stopped the door halfway and they showed me how to go around the house in fear I couldn't fit through the door. I did, but holy embarrassing!

I have broken my share of lawn furniture. I've learned to only half-sit on things to judge their sturdiness before fully unleashing the full flab upon it, furniture and beds included.

I won't go to concerts or plays for spilling into my neighbors seats and a big anxious sweaty mess! it's crazy what you adapt to in fatville.

Heather (aka Auntie) said...

Hey girl - it was like reading my very own thoughts. I love to eat out but I only eat at specific restaurants where I KNOW I will fit into the booths. I hate sitting at tables because I feel like I am too much on display. I don't fly back to where my family is because it's so humilitating to ask for a seat belt extention - which they insist on bringing to you AFTER you have been seated. This way they can hold it up and yell to the entire plane, "Hey, who needed the seat belt extention??" Then you have to stand up and wave your arms to get their (and the entire plane's) attention to get it. The last time I flew the flight attendant forgot about it, so I went the entire flight without my seat belt fastened. HA! TAKE THAT SKINNY PLASTIC FLIGHT ATTENDANT BITCH!

And I totally agree with POD above; I am not like you - getting out there and doing the best you can to live your life; I sit at home alone and watch waaaaay too much TV. I hide. And my life is indeed passing me by. I'm 43 and have nothing to show for my life. I have seven great-nieces and -nephews that I want to do fun things with, but I am not physically able to. I want to change that before it's too late...

Shelley said...

Turnstiles - I haven't been through one since I lost my weight...wonder what that would feel like now? Do you just walk through? No more turn suck in the gut stand on your tippy toes to lift it higher than the turnstile? Wow.

And the restaurant booths - I was showing my husband last weekend how much space there was between me and the table. He never realized how squished I used to be in the booths - I think he thought it was just my boobs that were in the way - NOT.

Very heartfelt post, Tricia - I appreciate your honesty. You won't be having trouble with the things you listed for much longer with the way you are rocking your weight-loss!

Rob West said...

I am afraid of outer space. It freaks me out! Does it ever end? OMG! If I think about it too long I may have a seizure! I am also afraid of zombies.

arielcircleofnine said...

everything is relative...and I think we sometimes get so lost in our own shit we dont realize the really tough shit that others battle. Im so guilty of that, and I really admire your no-bullshit post. you got nads, cahones, huevos, balls of steel--how can we make this gender appropriate? Ovaries of Granite! There we go.
Seriously, Tricia you rock and you are getting healthier every day with every choice you're making <3

*Tracy* said...

thanks for sharing, i feel you! hopefully one day we wont have these fears! hugs by the way you really just crack me up, im enjoying reading your blog.

screwdestiny said...

But the great thing is, you are on your way to fitting. Soon enough you won't have to deal with these fears ever again. We're all excited to watch you do it.

@eloh said...

You are the bravest child on the net. I love you.

Sarah said...

The school thing... I completely and totally understand. I fucked my GPA when I stopped going to class. It was one big ugly cycle. I'm a smart girl and every semester I would sign up for classes and then just stop going, my weight got higher and higher and I stopped. Too ashamed in one of teh fittest cities in the country to tell people why or to ask for an incomplete I just took the F. Years later I've cleaned up that mess, but it left a mark. Just like those chairs with the attached desks.

You'll get back to it.

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