Tuesday, May 4, 2010

What is this? A center for ants???

So I ordered a swimsuit the other day since the one I got at Catherine's was like a lesson in tuggin' and pullin' and to be honest, it just plain didn't fit. If only denial burned calories...

So anyway, the thing's supposed to arrive on May 10-ish. I've spent the past few days staring at my extremely hyper-white legs and wondering what to do about 'em. This one girl at work is talking about having a pool party, and it strikes fear in my extremely self-conscious heart. Or maybe that's from all the beef I've been eating. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

Anyway, I don't wanna tan, cause that's gross and impossible. My skin has two shades: White and red. (add in my blue veins = AMURICA!) There's no light golden brown on these hamhocks. So the sun is out.

Then there's spray tans. Getting naked and being sprayed by strange liquids. HELLO EVERY SATURDAY NITE OF MY LIFE! Or none of them. Amirite? Oh yeah.

Moving on, I'm talking to my boss about my dilemna and she gets an overly-excited look on her face and screams out "TAN TOWELS!" Once I got her to calm down, she told me they're like these towels that you rub on your parts and they turn brownish(?). Less whitish. Sounds weird as hell, but she insisted that they're man's greatest accomplishment since the space program. So I was like "well...alright, bring me some to try."

So she stops by my desk today and this is what she gave me:


What in the hell?? They're like the size of alcohol swabs! This is when I realize that my 160ish pound boss has like ZERO concept of my true size. Sure she knows I'm a fattie and she knows my weight (UGH), but still...what the fuck am I supposed to do with these tiny little towelettes? I would need like one per appendage and like 40 for the rest of me.

Apparently that little sniplet of a towel is supposed to cover half your body. Well, not my body. But some bodies, I guess. As for me, I will keep searching the world for a way to be less white. What do you guys do?

In other news, I lost a little weight last week. The low carb saga continues. If I'm counting my weight last Monday, I'm down just over 5 pounds. But the last time I "recorded" a weigh-in for the Biggest Loser dealy at work, I was at 388.8. So today was 386.0. So theoretically, I guess you could say I lost 2.8 in like a million weeks since before my birthday when I completely lost my mind and ate as a family of four.

But at least it's a loss.

Still in second place though...Curses! That bitch is like...unbreakable. Time to go all 80s sitcom and send her some truffles from a secret admirer. By any means necessary, dudez...

20 comments:

Kimmi said...

Or you could give her those protein bars that make you put on weight via "Mean Girls"!

~Jessica said...

I'm a diehard fan of the Jergens Natural glow. I even go so far as to use the Jergens facial natural glow lotion too. It's not orange, it perks up the skin, I've never ever seen "lines" or any proof of a sunless lotion. It's great! I use it daily... even in the winter.

Pics in my blog if you care to see my tan-ness.

Those tiny wipes say "mistake" all over them... I'd use them on my face maybe.

Katy said...

ah hahahahahahaha. Love the title of this post! I fully intend to buy tan towels from QVC in the next week or so. Tan fat is better than white fat... that's what I say. Although I've been white for YEARS now.

Twon said...

What @Kimmi said! Get her weight gain bars, and then see if she offers you a moist towelette as a towel :)

Congrats on the loss! Loss is a loss. i'm 422 currently, so i'm right there with ya! it's rough being large. I actually did the fake tans, but they were *expensive*! they might have come down over the years. i find fake tanner is best coupled with *some* sun. i get red, but red + tanner = natural enough looking. i just buy the tinted face cream. i dont acknowledge my body from the neck down! it's done nothing for me. it can fend for itself.

Twon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TJ said...

Congrats on the loss! :)

As far as the WHITENESS goes...I say embrace your inner GHOST! I do not tan at all BURN, BURN, BURN! After many years of sun poisoning and my hand at TRYING to find a cream that did not turn me orange- I once tried tanning beds. However I only wanted to stick my legs in- SO I scooted up the small table that was in the room and managed to just place my legs in the bed, hanging my torso out sideways leaning all of my upper body weight on the table. If they had cameras in those rooms I'd be a youtube hit today- I just know it!

Oh and I still burned....and got freckles all over my damn legs!

Proud to be Casper!

:)

fatty blogsticks said...

i'll start my comment with 'white is beautiful'. now with that out of the way, for subtlety, simplicity and a product that won't break the bank, i recommend a moisturising gradual tanner. something like johnson & johnson, or dove.

as clueless as your boss is, that was pretty sweet! love a good 80s sitcom solution!

twinkelydots said...

Today's tanned beauties are tomorrows prunes. Enough said.

Rebecca said...

or whats that movie with Anne Hathaway and that other chic, the daughter of Goldie Hawn, where they are best friends turned enemies because their wedding is on the same day.

anywhoo... Anne totally send weekly deliveries of chocolate to Kate Hudson... I'd say go for it!

Kim said...

I'd just use them for the sheer fact they say they'll make ya look good naked. lmao! I DEFINITELY could use some of that.

Amanda said...

I've heard Jergens is good, so I'll second the above recommendation. For myself, my goal is to be the most fluorescent white person at any gathering of people in bathing suits I attend. Since I'm of Irish descent, haven't tanned for over 15 years, religiously apply sunscreen daily (my Vitamin D levels are probably hosed), AND live in Florida, aka Land of the Evertan... I usually succeed.

Jeremy Logsdon said...

I'm white or red, myself. The tan wipes seem... well, that just seems wrong. And if you rub one area too aggressively, does that area turn darker than the rest? I think I'd need an instruction manual, and maybe even a video, to have a chance at doing that right.

Rob West said...

Congrats on shedding a few pounds. Keep it up. A pound or two every week or so is a great accomplishment. Over the next year that would be at least 52 pounds. That is a lot of weight. As far as tanning goes. I am white as my toilet(when it it clean that is) and I cut my grass in the summer and get a little tan. When I swim it is at my mom's house when nobody is there. :)

Big Clyde said...

We used to joke that our youngest son wasn't white, he was clear. The boy had no pigmentation in his skin!

But we live in AZ and after a few seasons, he can tan up like a Greek pool boy.

You live in Vegas. Put down the wet wipes and start going for walks at lunch. You'll tan. It's biology.

P.S. Congrats on the weight loss!

Shelley said...

Tan towels...now that's just crazy talk! My arms can tan a little, but my legs - no. Shoot, I came back from Hawaii last year with white legs - who does that?!?

I've tried the spray tans (Neutrogena makes one) - my bathtub got a better tan than I did. The lotions get darker around your ankles and knees. Just go to the party in your natural state and tell them that skin cancer runs in your family so you're protecting your skin. Who can argue with that?

Heather (aka Auntie) said...

I totally agree with Shelley; my legs are so white they actually glow like florecent light bulbs in pool water. I had severe 2nd and 3rd degree sunburn on my legs when I was a senior in high school because of some medication I was taking; the tan lines lasted 10 years - NO JOKE - and now my legs will not tan. Period. I like her explanation, and I like that phrase - "natural state". Perfect!

biz319 said...

add in my blue veins = AMURICA - that comment made me laugh out loud!!

I got a really bad sunburn when I was 16 and I've never been in the sun since, so I am white as a ghost most of the time!

My daughter?? She spends one day at the pool and comes home brown - never burns - WTF?

screwdestiny said...

Dude, this post had me rolling. I feel you on the skin thing. I am only white or red as well. And I don't want to be orange from stupid things like spray-on tans or tan towels. So what do I do? I embrace my paleness. CRAZY, I know. But I'm not gonna look so crazy when I'm 40 and don't have nearly as many wrinkles as all the tan bitches, and my skin is still soft as opposed to roughly the consistency of leather, and it's not covered in a million freckles. Embrace it, Tricia, EMBRACE IT.

wildfluffysheep said...

oh how ive missed your blog.

be careful using those tan wipes cause nasty brown patches.

im pale. and i like it. but then im british...

Linda Pressman said...

I never understood why it's considered so beautiful to be tan - which I understand is just damaged skin. And every bit of skin that turns brown wrinkles like crazy later.

I'm with TJ - embrace your inner ghost!

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