So I ordered a swimsuit the other day since the one I got at Catherine's was like a lesson in tuggin' and pullin' and to be honest, it just plain didn't fit. If only denial burned calories...
So anyway, the thing's supposed to arrive on May 10-ish. I've spent the past few days staring at my extremely hyper-white legs and wondering what to do about 'em. This one girl at work is talking about having a pool party, and it strikes fear in my extremely self-conscious heart. Or maybe that's from all the beef I've been eating. And I don't mean that metaphorically.
Anyway, I don't wanna tan, cause that's gross and impossible. My skin has two shades: White and red. (add in my blue veins = AMURICA!) There's no light golden brown on these hamhocks. So the sun is out.
Then there's spray tans. Getting naked and being sprayed by strange liquids. HELLO EVERY SATURDAY NITE OF MY LIFE! Or none of them. Amirite? Oh yeah.
Moving on, I'm talking to my boss about my dilemna and she gets an overly-excited look on her face and screams out "TAN TOWELS!" Once I got her to calm down, she told me they're like these towels that you rub on your parts and they turn brownish(?). Less whitish. Sounds weird as hell, but she insisted that they're man's greatest accomplishment since the space program. So I was like "well...alright, bring me some to try."
So she stops by my desk today and this is what she gave me:
What in the hell?? They're like the size of alcohol swabs! This is when I realize that my 160ish pound boss has like ZERO concept of my true size. Sure she knows I'm a fattie and she knows my weight (UGH), but still...what the fuck am I supposed to do with these tiny little towelettes? I would need like one per appendage and like 40 for the rest of me.
Apparently that little sniplet of a towel is supposed to cover half your body. Well, not my body. But some bodies, I guess. As for me, I will keep searching the world for a way to be less white. What do you guys do?
In other news, I lost a little weight last week. The low carb saga continues. If I'm counting my weight last Monday, I'm down just over 5 pounds. But the last time I "recorded" a weigh-in for the Biggest Loser dealy at work, I was at 388.8. So today was 386.0. So theoretically, I guess you could say I lost 2.8 in like a million weeks since before my birthday when I completely lost my mind and ate as a family of four.
But at least it's a loss.
Still in second place though...Curses! That bitch is like...unbreakable. Time to go all 80s sitcom and send her some truffles from a secret admirer. By any means necessary, dudez...