Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Don't sink the boat that you built to keep afloat.

It's not that I don't miss blogging. I do.

I just don't like blogging the hard times, and well, I've been having hard times. I wanna be the funny girl with the snappy wit and the perfectly timed f-bomb. Not the girl who comes back three months later to report that she gained back the thirty pounds she lost and that once again, it's back to square one. Unfortunately, that's me today. Well, pretty close. I'm at 394.8, which puts me pretty firmly back to the beginning.

Four antidepressants and two sleeping pills and thirty pounds later and here I am again. Maybe a little worse for wear, but still here. I guess I'm a little upset that my magic pills didn't make me "normal." I still have the compulsion to overeat all the time and spend the day in my pajamas and only get off the couch when I TOTALLY HAVE to. I'm still me. For better and for worse. The good times are maybe even a little better but the bad times are still pretty fucking terrible, and there's still plenty of them. The older I get, the less magic I believe in. I'm not even sure Magic Johnson ever really had HIV. Publicity stunt!

I got really sad when I found out Garrett died. I don't deal well with death, you know? I spent the last couple months pretty much ignoring all things Blogger and that included most of my blog friends, and for that, I am sorry. Garrett was a really nice guy to me and we talked on the phone pretty often and I got all pissed at myself that I haven't talked to him in a couple months and now I never can again. It pisses me off that his name's still in my cell phone, but I know I can't call.

I went through this for a while when my niece died. She had this shitty modem that would randomly connect and disconnect for no reason. So at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday, I'd be online in my lonely apartment playing online Scrabble against the computer and suddenly my dead niece would sign into MySpace. That never went over well with me. I genuinely miss people when I know they're not there anymore. I don't even know what happened to him. I hope it wasn't anything too terrible. I just know I was really sad and pissed off and now here I am talking about it and feeling weird. That either means therapy's working or not working, so I dunno.

I was talking about it with my therapist today though. I mentioned that I had a hard week because a friend died. I said I didn't know what happened, but I mentioned that we had talked before about our relative obesity. She asked me about how big he was and I said "I don't remember exactly...somewhere just above 500 pounds, I think." She got this wild look in her eyes and said "Isn't it so sad that someone can get to that size?" Uhhh. "It's not all that hard, really, I'm 400 pounds." She said she thought I was around 200 pounds! I could tell she felt bad, I mean, the whole thing was kind of a shitty exchange, but I really wasn't all that offended. I can't expect someone who's probably weighed 95 pounds her entire adult life to understand the concept of 400 pounds. I barely understand it and I live it every day. I think she's a nice lady and she's compassionate about my problems and she just didn't know. I let it go. I didn't wanna talk about him like some number or some lesson to be learned. He was a good friend to a lot of us. It just sucks.

But seriously...200 pounds. Gimme a break, lady!

Anyway...I'll try to update more often. Thank you SO much for all the nice cards and gifts I got in the mail and all the encouraging comments and emails. They made me smile and it's nice to feel like people all over the world care about me even during the weird times that I don't care about myself. Seriously, it means a lot.

Dina, kindly get off my ass now.


Dina said...

I still think your therapist sounds a tad judgemental, and in that profession you really shouldn't be. My two cents, feel free to defend away.

It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change

Fat Daddy said...

Long time no talk. It's hard to face this shit when the news is not good. But here? Is where everyone gets your struggle. I sure do. You know that I fought this fight for 20 years.

And I've recently discovered that the fight never ends.

I'm glad you are back.

Tammy said...

I was just thinking about you the other good to hear from you again. I heard about Garrett. I never talked to him personally...just commented on his blog here and there. I was just telling Sean over at The Daily Diary that Garrett was THE most introspective blogger I ever read. He was really something, and I miss him, too.

I hope you'll stay in touch with us. I understand not wanting to blog about the crap. But staying away is even more harmful for you. So keep in touch with us know there's no judgement here. And it doesn't matter whether you're making us laugh or not...we just love you for you. :)

bbubblyb said...

I'm glad to hear from you. You know my therapist never really got the whole obesity thing either he always just thought you just stopped eating lol but he was there for me and he helped me because really obesity isn't about the food. It really is about our pasts and how we deal with life day to day, it's just a side effect to other things. So if you like her and you feel she's helping then I say stick with her. It might seem your back peddling right now but I think you're making progress just by trying and hanging in there. You are such a great person and every time I read your posts I wish we lived closer and could hang out. It's good to have you back just keep posting it does help. Plus I'm selfish and want to read your words lol. *hugs*

Sara said...

Welcome back to blogging, Tricia. I miss you when you stay away too long, but I totally get the whole urge to hibernate when all those pesky feelings strain to escape your skull.

Your therapist is totally typical--people simple can't wrap their minds around the actual numbers we've seen on the scale. It's so far out of the realm if their experience that it's literally unthinkable.

Keep talking, keep writing, keep reaching out. You can do all of those things in your jammies.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

That WAS sad news about Garrett. I was truckin' through Idaho a few weeks ago and it occurred to me that he was the only person I "knew" in the state and wouldn't it be cool to drop in and pay him a visit. But I didn't of course and, well... I spend a lot of last week hugging kids. Mine, my neighbors, random kids on the street. It was totally worth the harsh stares and restraining orders that followed...

I can't really grasp the concept of where you are either, Tricia. I hope it'll snap into place for you one day and you'll really get going on this grand adventure. I'd pay money to see you succeed.

Kelly said...

Tricia, I'm so glad to hear from you. I was seriously worried.

I wish there was a magic pill to make all of the problems go away. I haven't found one yet.
It's cliche so forgive me but just take small steps. Very small steps. A 5 minute walk daily. Move it to 10 minutes. Exercise releases "feel good" hormones in your body and you may get to crave those.

Good times. Bad times. Friends are always here. I am very sorry about Garrett. Death sucks. There's no other way to put it.


Al (losingharry) said...

I feel like you are my evil (female) twin. you can always tell when I am struggling because I am not blogging.

Glad you are back!

Sorry to hear about Garrett.

Big Clyde said...

I've missed you, girl. I think that you are better off than you were months ago, because you are processing your thoughts, something I never really did. I don't know how all of this works, but I think you are brave to keep looking for some answers and trying to figure it out, rather than avoiding it all.

Hang in there...we're with you.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to see you back here. :-) You're awesome.

Shelley said...

Glad to hear from you - I was worried. Just baby step it with the weight and you'll be back down. I wish the happy magic pills would really work for you - still think there is something out there that will.

Oh, and about Magic Johnson...what is up with that?

Anonymous said...

Seeing that you posted made me really excited to get to the computer to read. You might not see it, but you DO still write with humor, even now. And you are thinking out loud, which I think has to be good. And I am sorry about your friend Garret.

Kristen said...

Glad to see an update. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other and muddling your way through each day for awhile is a major achievement. I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're doing all the right things- working on yourself like you are is not an easy thing. And I agree with MrsFatass up there- your humor shines through even during the less happy times.

And btw- thank you for the card! I'm the girl with the office full of Trisha fans. You made my day- I felt like I got something in the mail from a celebrity! =)

midlife_swimmer said...

I love that song....

good to see you back.

Laurie ( said...

I've missed you tons, and I'm glad that you checked in. I know you've had a hard time lately, and that truly sucks! Just know you have tons of people in your corner cheering you on through the bad and the good!

Katie J said...

Nice to see your post Tricia!

I agree with FD. You are younger and will save yourself A LOT of heartache losing the weight now vs. 20+ years from now like me.

I was hit hard by his death too. I read his blog but never talked to him on the phone. He was so young and it just hit me how fragile life is.

Hard to understand why they have you on so many meds. It takes awhile for them to take effect so I am mystified why they would give you 4 of them!

Hang in there T - we are here to listen - good, bad or indifferent - we are in this together sista!

River said...

I'll volunteer to punch your therapist. I had many over the years (therapists I mean not punching) for different reasons like their rates go up or their offices move etc.. and I don't get how one can say that? Whatever may be it was just a weak moment. Everyone makes mistakes.

I am hesitating about writing the negative too. But I "enjoy" (for the lack of a better word) reading other bloggers' problems and such. Sharing is good for all of us. Nice to hear from you.

Sorry about your friend. May he rest in peace.

screwdestiny said...

Tricia, I've missed you so much! Please keep blogging, even if you're not exactly where you'll want to be.

And it really upset me when I found out about Garrett, too. I don't even quite know why, because I hadn't ever read his blog before but I looked it over and I just started crying. It was odd. I guess it's just because it's such a tragic story, that he was working to change his life and it got taken away. :( Anyway, I'm sorry that upset you so much and I hope you start feeling better.

Janell said...

I was sorry to hear/read about Garrett too. It reminds me of when I'd be looking for cancer info and I'd find a great blog and then find out the person was no longer blogging cuz they died of cancer. Could be hundreds of thousands of dead blogs out there with no one writing them and we'll never know what happened and that always pisses me off. It's unfair. Could even be a publicity stunt.

I have missed you too. Your humor, your nastiness - it's so great and refreshing. But I loved my bracelet and Hannah sure liked hers too. You made us smile on a day when you might not have been smiling.

Why did you let that poor deformed therapist make an ass out of herself like that!? You need to go to a reformed therapist. One who was once chubs and now healthier. I once went to a skinny therapist and she wanted to hug me when I left - each time. That always made me gag. Now I go to a guy who used to weigh 300 lbs and was married to a woman once but is gay now. Talk about change. Or not.

That Dina!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're back! I too got prescribed antidepressants and it feels like nothing's really changed.But like one commenter said above, the change is you're starting to process your thoughts, some thoughts you couldn't even start processing because they hurt too much. Being all happy and shit will come later... I think.
You're awesome! <3

Katy said...

I think you just need to blog it out. Instead of hug it out. Cause seriously, we miss you and I guarantee no one cares if you're funny 100% of the time. Even in your serious posts you find some way to make me laugh. I miss you...come back! Blog today, then tomorrow and get the point!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad that I came across your blog. It's good to see another person who finds it important to stay fit and healthy. I have lost over 125 lbs. myself and will be featured in the November 2010 issue of Shape magazine. This is VERY exciting for me! Anyway, my blog is located at if you'd like to check it out. I added your blog to follow, so feel free to follow mine as well. I look forward to reading more of your journey. Take care! <3 Laura

Anonymous said...

It was so great seeing an update on your blog today. Good, bad, ugly, sad we are all here for you no matter what.

I think there are a lot of us who cant even count on their hands and toes the number of times they have lost and regained and lost and regained again. It's a part of this never ending journey, granted a sucky part. So dont stop believing (sing it, you know you want to) that you can do this. We all have faith in you.

I hope you will be back to posting, it doesnt matter what its about, we all want to know how youre doing and want to make sure youre ok lady :)

arielcircleofnine said...

Ive missed you...and Im glad you're back, ditto who cares what you post about--just post!!! I have a half-made up package for you I never sent. Im really shitty at actually SENDING things, as lame as that sounds.
Your therapist sounds a tad dense but, if she's a nice lady genuinely trying to help Im glad you didnt smash her skull or anything!

wildfluffysheep said...

i am there too. right back at square one.
i havent been blogging the bad things either.
but you're back right? im back. lets be back at blogging and stuff.

Results Not Typical Girl said...

I just got back on track a few days, but every day is a fucking slippery slope. I gained back about 1/3 of my weight loss. fucking sucks. but i'm doing well. except for i can't stop saying fuck. miss you like fuckcakes. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Sending big hugs your way! So sorry you are going through all this.

It's hard to blog the bad stuff, but I think it will help you in the end - look at all the wonderful comments you've gotten!

Megan said...

I have hard core anxiety and I can definitely relate to your *struggle*. I know that it makes me feel a little better knowing someone else is struggling and fighting and winning. <3 to you.

Also, I've fired more therapists than I can count on two hands. If we don't connect, I get a sick pleasure of firing them. =)

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

I'm going to be blunt here, not rude, just blunt. So Garrett died at 500 lbs. Yes, it's horrible. So are you going to be the one that we all blog about dying at 400 lbs? I'm not some skinny chick telling you to lose weight or you'll die. I'm a fat chick who KNOWS what you are going through and is determined to do something about it.

It takes a choice though. You can choose to live or die. It's as simple as that. It's not EASY, but it's simple. I know you're depressed, I know you're unhappy but you still have choices. Don't let this illness make the choice for you. Take the power and chose what you WANT to do.

Did you read the book I sent? I loved it!

411 Gurl said...

Tricia, Thinking about you. Hope all is well.

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