Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hey buddy, where's the fire?

I saw this secret on Post Secret today and it pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately. Some days I don't even feel like trying. I feel like my life's already over. I feel like at this point even if I do lose the weight and get to some sort of "healthy" point, I'll still be plagued by all the irreversible damage that's been done already. I know that things can get BETTER, but the all-or-nothing perfectionist in me doesn't want to do it at all if I know I can't get it back to the perfect body. There's still all the loose skin, all the plaque in the arteries, all the damage to my organs caused by diabetes and 30+ years of abuse so even if I was perfect every day from here on out, my body would always be flawed, at best.

Why can't being alive be enough for me? When I'm laying in bed some nights and I get a weird feeling in my chest and my mind starts to wander about what it will be like to never be able to see my friends again, to never laugh again, to never talk to my brother again? I get sad and anxious. I know I don't want to die. So why can't I make the most of what's left of my life and live it to the fullest and stop killing myself everyday?

Some days I appreciate so much about life. I go outside and feel an autumn wind and I'm so fucking happy that I can enjoy this moment. Other days, I lie to friends who invite me out just so I don't have to get dressed or leave my apartment. Especially lately, so close to 400 pounds again, I feel myself turning back into a hermit. Making up excuses just to be left alone so I don't have to put on uncomfortable clothes and be ridiculed in public just to have a night out. So we order in and don't leave the couch all night and it feels all miserable and shameful but I still do it weekend after weekend.

But I'm still trying to get better. The one consolation is that I haven't given up on myself no matter how many times I wanted to. Still in therapy, still taking pills, still trying to eat less, still trying to make myself do things outside of my house. It's usually a little easier this time of year, because at least it won't be hotter than the surface of the sun outside my door for TOO much longer...hopefully. I do love fall. I love Halloween. I've been Halloween shopping seven times already and it's not even October yet. Borderline obsessive? Uh yeah.

Then comes the dilemma of facing yet another Halloween as a fattie. Let's see...witch or zombie...witch or zombie?? Didn't I have that stupid pep talk to myself LAST October telling me to stick to my diet so I'd have more options this year? Pretty sure I did. Okay fat, you leave me no choice.If pep talks and health scares and thoughts of your impending doom aren't enough to get you outta here, then maybe I can embarrass you out? One night at a bar in a 5X Sexy Cop uniform and I'm pretty sure I'll diet like I've never dieted before! OR...everyone I know will be suddenly blind and it won't matter anymore? Either of those options would work for me.

Eh, just kidding. I'll prolly be a clown so I have an excuse to make balloon animals all night. But the badge was a buck and I couldn't resist. I'll use it to seduce Jeff and then continue being a lifelong virgin. Adios, dudes.


bbubblyb said...

*hug* Tricia. You know if you're still pushing forward, going to work, therapy, etc you're doing ok. I get to feeling all down and moody too I think everyone does sometimes. Hang in there and that is a sexy picture *smile*.

Anonymous said...

I saw that Post Secret post, too.
I've felt the same way you have, keep holding on, it will get better.
I bemoan all the shit I've done to my body as well. The stretch marks I have...for someone who has never carried a child, I look like someone tried to draw a map of all the highways in the U.S. on my legs, arms and sides. Not to mention my ass and gut...
But I can't undo it. Mea culpa. Time to go forward. And sure your skin may be stretched, but it's only fair that you have something that's a little off when God blessed you with such a great rack. Just sayin'.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I really wish I had nothing better to do than head West and force you to get your sh*t straight. I'm serious... a couple of months– a few hardcore, "I hate you, Jack!" months is all it would take to get you heading down the right track. And you wouldn't believe how much more energy you'd have, how much better you'd feel, body and spirit.

Perfection may be off the table, but I got news for you, sunshine: it's off the table for all of us. That shouldn't stop you from making positive changes in your life, T. Believe me... it's worth all the effort and sacrifice.

LouLou said...

1. If you want to hate your body, you will always find a reason to. Ditto for hating yourself. So you might as well decide to like yourself in all your glory (not after 100 hours of therapy or 100 pounds of weight loss). I'm not saying it's easy. It isn't. It's the most incredibly difficult thing you will ever do. It is also the only thing you can do.

2. For whatever it's worth, from some stranger on the internet: you are good. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are loved. Never forget that.

Dina said...

Oh look, Miss "You talk about your tits too much" has up a cleavage shot!.

LMH said...

Losing weight isn't going to fix all your problems. It hasn't fixed all mine. Finding value in yourself will be more helpful. Some people find that value when the lose weight - I feel good about myself when I see all the things my body can do. I can walk 5 miles, I can do a cartwheel, I can fold a mean paper airplane, I can play the trombone, I can provide comfort. I didn't lose all my weight, I still have chubs, and I appreciated my body long before I lost a lot of weight. Physical damage can be reversed - the body is amazing. Give your body a chance to show you how awesome it is. You may not end up a swimsuit model, but you will most likely end up less uncomfortable in the summer.

Perfection is impossible.

I think that a good way to determine you as a person have value is to spend some time helping others. Can you volunteer at the animal shelter, visit some old people, donate time reading books to sick kids? You job sounds like it doesn't satisfy you with its mental challenge, so can you find something that stimulates your brain? Obviously you have a good brain - it's why I like your blog. A little brain exercise will let you see you have value there, too.

I see your value, but that doesn't help you much. You have to see it. I hope you do.

Farsy said...

I feel ya hon. I've struggled and struggled all my life. I'm not 400 pounds, but I'm 260 on a 5'0 frame. I'm carrying around 2 of me and then some and I float in a pool like a tub of lard on water. It's not pretty.

But I've come a long way from my self loathing ways a few years back. I lost my father 4 years ago, my grandfather 2 years ago, and almost my mother this year and it's finally made me say enough is enough. I don't want everyone around me die seeing me fat the rest of my life. So I've started working on it, not only the issue of my weight, but other issues I've had and I tell you it's really helped. I also have something to focus on, my engagement to a wonderful man and his daughter that's helped as well.

So chin up, it's not easy, and it's not an overnight fix, but you're seeking help and that's always a step in the right direction. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to contact me (and I'm sure many others that post on/read your blog feel the same way!). I'm always here to help or lend an ear...and just think I don't charge! lol :)

Amanda said...

Ain't a one of us here who are perfect. Not even folks who've been thin their whole lives. Yeah, I know you know that. My knees are shot due to genetics and obesity. I'll likely have some variant of COPD thanks to my years of smoking and heredity. Doesn't matter that I lost most of the weight. Doesn't matter that I quit smoking. I'm still hosed.

Good thing is, it's not as bad as it could have been if I hadn't lost weight, or if I hadn't quit smoking. And some parts do continue to improve. So in all? It's a win. It's a total pain in the ass getting here, but I'll still take the win.

I hear ya on the buttons. There are times of life... sigh. Yeah.

Tantra Flower said...

Hi Tricia. You are such a beautiful person. I have really enjoyed catching up on your blog today.

That all or nothing, if it can't be perfect why bother feeling that you have is not uncommon. Perfectionism can go either way: you can work yourself to death trying to be perfect or, and this is most of us, you can feel paralyzed, so afraid of not achieving the expectations or vision you have for yourself that you can't find the will to begin. We are also good for sabotaging ourselves when we
fuck up even a smidgen, which we are bound to do because we are human. It's so hard.

Balance, what is called in Buddhism "the middle way," is the key, but old habits and thought patterns are so hard to break. Believe me, I know.

I think the world of you. You deserve so much happiness. (((Tricia)))

Anonymous said...

Tricia, I too struggle with perfection. It's a vicious thought cycle that is really hard to stop. Once you break free though, it is so liberating. Like a breath of fresh air. I recommend starting slowly. Try eating crap for breakfast then having something healthy for lunch then having something crappy for dinner followed by a 20 minute workout. Just do something out of the ordinary. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Pretty soon, you won't feel like being perfect, cause you'll start enjoying simple things in life again.

By the way, love yourself. Love your body. Extra skin might be an issue, but I have also heard from credible sources that if you lose at a slower rate than it's not as bad. Because your skin has time to adjust to the new size. So don't try losing like 10 pounds each week, more like 2-3 pounds. It might not happen overnight, but it will give you optimal results.

Nice boob cleavage by the way ::wink::

Anonymous said...

Nice Rack. But, you already knew that. I bet it's one of the few things you like about your body. You'll like it less when you lose the weight, but you'll find new things to love (e.g. the newfound space between your thighs).

Obviously perfection (or your idea of it) is off the table. But, improving your health is about improving your QUALITY of life, not a hot body. If I only have 7 days, 7 months or 7 years left, I'd rather spend that out with friends and on walks feeling that autumn breeze than alone on the couch with takeout.

This is a fantastic blog. Use the sage advice here to talk yourself out of this downward spiral. If you insist on being a hermit, look up some healthy recipes and prepare those rather than getting the takeout. Eating real food goes a long way to boost your mood. Of course when we eat carp it's GREAT for about 10 minutes. Then we feel like what we just ate, crap.

Glad you're posting again! Hope it's helping you in addition to making the rest of us smile.

Diana said...

Tricia, sometimes (like today) I wish I could just reach through this internet space and hug you...or maybe shake you. My one wish for you is that you realize what a cool person you are regardless of your weight. 400 pound or 120...inside you are the same wonderful, sweet, funny, kind, smart, witty, gentle, soul.

You are a great person. Why can't you see that? We can all see it. It's so blatantly obvious to anyone reading your blog.

You're real. Sincere. And so damn funny. I never read your blog without smiling. Even when you're in the depths of despair.

I wish I could help. I really do. I wish I could cast some magic spell on you to make you go - "hey, I'm way cool, no matter what I weigh. I am pure awesomeness!"

Alas, I'm a mere mortal and don't possess any magic powers to bestow upon you. Just hear my words, you are awesome and you need to believe it.

Take care dear Tricia. :)

P.S. - thank you so much for the sweet card and the "Dianarama" bracelet. It's in my jewelry box and every day I pick it up and think of you and say a little prayer to God to help you realize just how special you really are.

anne h said...

I went though a phase last year.
Same thing.
Fuck this life! But on the other hand.....
My situation got better in time.
Not my situation.... that actually got worse. But my outlook changed.
Kinda like my weight-loss.... it took a damn damn damn long time.

Maybe it's just the "transitional noise" of true change -
Finally, at last!
Would we recognize it as something good? Probably not at first.

*typical cyber hugs*

Janell said...

Sagging skin looks hot! Tonight I have a date with Hannible Lector.

big_mummy said...

How does a virgin seduce anyway??

I once went to a fancy dress as the vicar of dibley, oh and grotbags, hmm... and a cowgirl that broke the horses back. sadness

Losing it in Vegas said...

It's never too late until it's too late. I am back from a year away myself. HANG IN THERE!

Biz said...

Sending hugs your way! I never thought I had a perfectionist streak in my until just recently. But mine goes a step further - I have to do EVERYTHING perfect - from following through on washing, drying AND folding and putting away my clothes, meal plan 24/7, balance the checkbook each day, etc.

It gets so exhausting, that I just give up on it all. I guess the only good thing is that I haven't gained any weight in 2 years, so I am clinging to the maintenance like a victory!

Hang in there!

Mrs. Happy Pants said...

I gave you an award. It may or may not have a cupcake on it. It may or may not be poisoned.
Regardless, I adore you. I only wish I lived closer to you, so we could be an unstoppable force of snark. For now, the internet will have to do.

Tricia said...

Man I wish I could give you the answer. I wish I could give you your "enough is enough" moment. I wish I could help. All I can do is tell you: YOU can do this. There is hope. You are strong.

Tara said...

I'm not even sure what to say here. Nothing I write is going to give you that "AHA" moment we so desperately cling too to move forward and make decisions that clear a path to healthy living.

Except maybe this: a thousand times I walked up to that door that said "change". A thousand times I walked away. A thousand times more I walked up to that door that said "change" and put my hand on the doorknob. A thousand times more times I walked away. A thousand more times I walked up to that door that said "change" and opened it. A thousand more times I was too afraid to go through and walked away.

One time I walked up to the door, put my hand on the door knob, opened it and walked through...

Tricia, you just keep walking up to that door cause one day you'll walk through and shut it behind you. It doesn't matter how many times you get to it. Only the time you decide to walk through is what matters.

Results Not Typical Girl said...

Look you clown zombie cop witch (like a Manwich, but different),

You know you're in trouble/really blessed when Jack is kicking your ass, sunshine. :)

And besides, why am I just now learning that you know how to make balloon animals. I want a snake!!!

Anonymous said...

Tricia, are you willing to consider Overeaters Anonymous? You are not alone. I have felt as you have and I have found freedom from food obsession in Overeaters Anonymous. You could call and listen to a meeting on the phone. You would not have to say a word either. Please remember, you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Tricia.......Come back to play...The Tricia Militia misses youuuuuuuuu.

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