Grumble grumble

I finally got my sister to answer her phone today. She talked to me for a whole two minutes before calling me a bitch and hanging up on me. Then she turned off her phone before I could call back. She has service through stupidass Cricket Wireless and when you call it actually tells you "Your call cannot be connected because the Cricket customer you are calling has turned off their phone." What the fuck? Like, way to rub it in my face, assholes.

It was a real frustrating day and I sat in my hot ass car like having a fucking breakdown after I heard that stupid message. It may as well have said "You doesn't wanna talk to you, stop calling!" Fuck Cricket. So I sat there for like a minute crying and becoming this gross mix of sweat and makeup and tears and snot, and I was like "this is stupid." So I just came in and buried my head into the couch pillow for like an hour and devised this shitty letter to her in my head, then talked myself out of it.

It's not like I'm okay with her hating me over some shit that really has nothing to do with me...it's just that I'm too frustrated to even care right now.

Oh, and I saw this right in front of my door today when I got home:

Nice place for a used condom, whoever you are. You can get a hotel room in this town for like nine dollars a night...you really need to fuck in the stairwell? I hope your next condom breaks and you get herpes. There, I said it.

Oh well, at least I stayed on plan today even though all the junk. And I found my old tracker journal thingy to boot:

Still way too many points to have left at like 7pm. It's a work in progress.

I feel super bitchy. Glad today's over.

My redneck past keeps nipping at my heels...

So neither of my sisters would even answer my calls last night. Fuck em.

We went to trivia but we got 4th again and the nerdy Dave Grohl guy wasn't even though so it was pretty sucky.

So it's day 3 of dieting. I was super excited about finally finding the 75% Reduced Fat Cabot Cheddar last night that Biz recommended. It's awesome! I made up an Egg TrishMuffin this morning with the cheese all scrambied into my egg whites and it was nom nom noms. I'm not really a breakfast person but I'm trying to get more calories in during the day so I can stop eating so much at night. We'll see how it goes.

I'm back into the "can't-weigh-in-too-fat" range so my scale won't weigh me again. I was talking to Dina about it and she told me to like wrap a string around my waist and mark it so I can measure it again in a couple weeks and see if it got smaller, but man, that sounds so damn country to me. MA, WHERE'S MUH MEASURING TWINE?? Gah. I guess I'll do it though...fat beggars can't be fat choosers. I'll let you guys know how that works out.

Oh yeah, speaking of Dina, we're planning a Blogger meetup for sometime in late January 2009. Basically you fly to (DESTINATION TO BE DETERMINED) for a weekend of fat debauchery and then you go home. You have to get like...a place to stay and pay for your own shit. But...it's like six months away, so you should be able to save up some scratch by then and you can come out and meet all your favorite Blogger peeps! And me! I think it will be a blast. So...yeah. Lemme know if you think you'd be down for this sorta thing.

I'm so excited for the movie Funny People to come out. I keep watching all these shows about it and reading all this junk online about it. I hope I don't ruin it for myself cause July 31 is still a long time from now. C'mon c'mon c'mon! Seth Rogen is hot but I still miss his fatness.

Eff.

It's been a busy day here and I've been trying to get as much work done as possible. My desk is finally free and clear of all pending BS...whew. On Friday, they laid off nine people at my job. That...sucks. My boss says that my department has been "justified" as far as the staff goes, which means we all have enough work to do to still be here, but there's still a big feeling of uneasiness in the air. Oh well, I'm gonna try to not stress about it for now. I'll have plenty of time to stress when/if the time comes.

I think we're going to trivia tonite so I went to go get my daily call to Dad outta the way on my last break. That was a bad idea. He's like practically begging me to call my sister and get her to talk to him. That is, if she'll even take MY call. I told him I really don't wanna get involved in this shit but he was like pleading in a very pathetic way. Sincerity isn't exactly my dad's forte, so I can hardly ever say no to it. Then his voice cracked and I was like..."fine." What can I do? As much as I wanna stay far far away from this whole fucked up situation, I also don't have it in me to listen to an old man cry.

My sister is a real cut-throat type of person. Like...if you piss her off, she'll automatically think to say the worst thing she can possibly think to say about you no matter who's around. I can't even count the number of times I've heard her announce to a guy in public "OH YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY YOU GOT A LITTLE DICK, YOU LITTLE DICK BASTARD." Like, come on, dude. Keep that shit indoors at least. Of course for me, it's always the same..."fat bitch."

Like, bitch is bad enough, why do we gotta add adjectives? But then again, maybe "bitch" isn't an insult to her since she's one of those people who will say some cliche bullshit like "Yeah, I'm a bitch, and proud of it!" or...her infamous bumper sticker of "That's MS BITCH to you!" Bleh. I hate that shit. Why would anyone WANT to be something that's universally hated? That trend was fucking lost on me.

But I digress...yeah, she can never have an argument with me without throwing my fatness into it. I mean, on one hand, I guess it's a good thing, cause it's all she's got.

But still, I mean, I don't bring up her obvious physical shortcomings and throw them on to the insults I hurl. I don't even hurl insults! I try to keep it civil and make actual points instead of just bringing up inconsequential shit like her chain-smoking, uber-controlling, crypt-keeper-looking, leathery skin-having, can't-keep-a-man-ing. NO. I could bring lots of shit up, but I don't. Cause I wanna talk about the issue at hand, not just have some hate-filled argument. Gah, she is fucking impossible and now I gotta spend all evening dealing with this shit and it SUCKS.

The fact of the matter is that, yes, my sister has had a shitty hard life. I've spent a fucking lifetime making excuses for her. I finally realize that having a rough life doesn't give you free reign to ruin the lives of everyone around you. She's just a miserable person and she only cares about herself. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.

And even after all the bullshit, all the shitty things that she's done, I would STILL be there if she needed me. As would the rest of my family. And she knows that. And that's why she has no remorse. I don't get her...at all.

Plus, I'm pretty sure my other sister is back on junk and I can't even THINK about that shit right now or my head will officially explode. These are shitty times.

And all I want right now is to bury my head in a fucking gallon of ice cream and I can't even do that because Dina would be all over my ass. Thanks...(humph.)

Man...

Stress.

Lady in Red.

Whole Foods can kiss my pasty white ass, for real. Where do they get off! $2.38 for a bell pepper. It wasn't marked on the shelf, but I'm like "it's a bell pepper, I think I can handle it." I WAS WRONG. But then there's the awkward situation. Like, I don't wanna pay that much for a freakin bell pepper, but I also don't wanna cause a ruckus over a couple bucks. I mean, people already look at me like I just fell off the turnip truck when I walk in there. So I let it go.

56 bucks worth of nothingness and it all fit in ONE freakin' bag. I did buy a Shampoo Bar to try though. But then I looked on the back once I got home and it said "Best for short to medium hair." GREAT. Stupid Whole Foods! It seems like once a year I have to remind myself why I don't go there. Self...consider yourself reminded.

I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some staples at reasonable prices. I never felt so greatful for capitalism.

Also, it rained. Which seems like it should be a good thing because it's been so dang hot here lately. But it rained for like 40 seconds then it gets all humid and gross. This is what I looked like when I got home and unloaded the groceries:

This is how red I get after my Bare Minerals melts away. My glasses kept fogging up because of the EXTREME heat comin' off my face. Shit is ridic. Dina cropped this picture for me because she said I looked nude, which WASN'T true. But I figure I don't need to subject you guys to my low hangies on the Lord's day. Maybe on a Thursday or something.

Meatloaf's in the oven for lunches all week. I pureed a bunch of veggies with tomato sauce to try to sneak 'em in. Hopefully it won't suck 'cause I didn't really plan for a backup meal and I DON'T wanna have to go back outside. Stupid freakin' outside.

I'm excited about having Jicama tomorrow. That's weird.

Now you can have a hot pocket for breakfast, a hot pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner.

Sunday morning. The weekends go by too fast, even when I do nothing. It's 4:30 and I'm still up, as in...it's still Saturday night for me. Then I'll sleep late and my sleep schedule will be all effed for the rest of the week. I'm nocturnal, what can I say? I just wasn't meant for the rat race. Maybe the bat race. It works because they rhyme, see?

So I have a list for Sunday. Gotta do laundry and hopefully get the oil changed and I gotta go buy some healthy groceries. I was planning on going to Whole Foods to scoff at the prices and be stared at by yuppies. I'll prolly still do that so I can try to find some of that Amazing Grass shit everyone keeps talking about. Me and veggies aren't exactly pals, so I gotta try to get the good stuff in through sneaky and expensive ways.

You know, the first time I did Weight Watchers, I lost like 40 pounds in four months before I quit and gained back 80. But...I only did it online, and I didn't really know anything about it except that you get a number of points and you eat that much and that's it. I didn't know anything about the weekly 35 or the Healthy Guidelines or any of that shit. I wouldn't eat all day then have a whole medium thin-crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut and call it a day. Best.Diet.Ever.

Then one day some buzzkill's all like "well what about your daily oil? and what about your fruits and veggies? and what about blah blah blah?" and I'm all "...but...what?" Too much information, dudez. Trying to ration out points for stuff I hate fucking sucked and the next thing I knew I was back to my old ways.

So then I spent a brick of time yesterday all like "Man, I should just go back to my old-school rebel Weight Watchers way...that shit worked!" But like, that's probably not healthy. And I think at this point in my life, I need to be less concerned with getting thin (ha!) and more concerned with getting healthy. Because my health is for shit. I'm diabetic, which I'm sure is no shock to anyone here, but more than that, I'm like DIABETIC 2 the EXXXTREME! I'm 31 and I take a shot and 2 pills a day JUST for diabetes. Then pills for cholesterol and my impending heart explosion AND...an aspirin a day. That's a lot of shit. And I HATE taking pills. But taking a cholesterol pill every day is easier than choking down oatmeal every morning because I hate that too. I hate a lot of shit.

I need to get over it. I've eaten pretty much every bad food in the world, so I guess it's time to move on. Time to eat the green junk. Ugh.

I'll start with giving up sugar. That's the plan this week. Nothing with sugar unless it's like...fruit. I can do that. I love fruit. And I wanna try to have smaller dinners. I am a points hoarder and I routinely come home from work with about 20-25 points in my back pocket. That's over a thousand calories in one meal. Too much.

Optimism. No birthdays or potlucks this week. OPTIMISM!

Sometimes stuff just sucks...

Some weird shit has been going on lately. A couple nights ago, my brother's friend killed himself. He was in his garage working on his Art Car with some friends. He told them to hang on for a minute and went inside his house and took off all his clothes. He grabbed his dad's old shotgun (the same one his dad used to kill himself over a decade ago) and was about to pull the trigger when his wife walked in and saw him. She started screaming and wrestling the gun away from him. He pushed her and the shotgun away and reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a pistol and shot himself in front of her. I don't understand this at all. My brother said he emailed him earlier in the day inviting him to an art show this weekend, so it doesn't seem like it was a planned thing. I mean, his friends were still in the garage working on the car.

I try not to be too judgemental when someone kills themselves. On one hand, I do think it's a selfish thing to do. I know he dealt with depression issues for many years. I think most people, at some point in their life, have hit a low point and had fleeting thoughts of doing it. But I wonder what makes you snap? Like what thought could have been so horrible in that one moment that makes you leave your friends to go kill yourself in the middle of the evening?

As most of you know, I don't deal well with death. I internalize it too much, and it turns into my own personal tragedy even if I barely knew the person. I think about how it would feel if that had been my friend, my brother, my dad, etc. I remember the pain of losing my mom and my neice and it all floods back in this weird wave of emotion that I can't control even though I know it's a little silly to create this suffering. I don't know why I do it, but I'll obsess over it for days and days and then finally just move on.

Anyway, I haven't seen this guy in probably a good six years. When I lived at home, I was basically my brother's shadow anytime he'd let me be around. By default, all the people in his life became the people in my life. I remember this dude as like a really happy, helpful, funny guy. I can't imagine him doing this, but it's done, so that shows how much I really knew about him. I did have a weird dream about him last night though.

I went to bed in a bad mood because my sisters are essentially dividing my family into these two camps of YOU'RE WITH US or FUCK YOU STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. God forbid someone should have a different viewpoint than them on something. They're avoiding my calls and basically pretending I don't exist because I think what they're doing to my dad is fucked up and selfish.

I feel like I've spent my whole life playing the middle ground. I've always been more concerned with being likeable and neutral than with taking a stand for anything I actually believe in. But I can say at this moment: My sisters are being selfish cunts. And since they don't want to talk to me or even try to explain their side of the story, my opinion stands.

In the dream, my brother's friend was telling me to stop being a doormat. Stop letting everyone tell me what to think. Stop making jokes instead of saying how I feel. We were having this profound conversation about why I think my opinions aren't important and he was standing there looking exactly like he did the last time I saw him six years ago, but with half his face hanging off. Why do I dream this shit? Why do I need to work out my personal issues in my head with dead people that I barely know? It was a moment right outta Six Feet Under.

I'm not sure that I have a point here. I want my sisters to know how I feel but now that I'm ready to let my voice be heard, no one is willing to listen. They don't care how I feel about the situation. I'll always be a little kid to them, no matter how old or pissed off I get. It angers me that I spent my whole life listening to every asshole I know tell me their overrated victimizing bullshit side of the story and now mine doesn't matter at all.

I'm in a weird fucking mood and I can't stop googling this guy's name to read people's sad stories about him. Fucking brain, sometimes I wish it would just chill the fuck out.

All Eyez On Me...

I felt better after some retail therapy at Ross. I love that place because you never know what kinda weird shit you're gonna find. It's like a scavenger hunt. I saw an awesome painting of a clown eating a cupcake and I wanted it pretty bad, but it was outta my price range for weird shit. As a general rule, I usually try to keep my junk purchases under 10 bucks per item because otherwise I feel like the joke's on me. I hid it way in the back of the pile so maybe it'll go on Clearance one day and my life will be whole again.

I did find these kick ass tumblers for only 5 bucks for the set:
These will be awesome for Kelly's Green Monster smoothies that I plan on trying soon. So maybe I am drinking a smoothie with spinach in it, at least I'm drinking it out of a cup filled with the essence of hardcore gangsta.

Then I went back to work and told Dina about my purchases and this happened:

Good ol' Dina. Always making me feel smart.

I got home at 4:30 and Jeff was still in bed, so whatever. I guess he was up at some point during the day because I found this in the kitchen:

Man, it must really be time to go grocery shopping if he was reduced to baking fucking cornbread to eat for lunch. He has frozen dinners so I dunno what the hell was up with this, but it sure looks like shit. Kitchen's all dirty, sink's all full, and this corn-rock was just sitting there looking sad. I kinda wanna go chuck it at his head, but I guess that would be rude and I'm trying to be nice so he'll take me to get some dinner when/if he wakes up. I'll give him another hour and if nothing happens, it's CORNBREAD TO THE HEAD time.