Sunday, April 26, 2009

Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?

My ear hurts so I spent all day moping around. I didn't pack at all. Bad bad girl.

It's not unlike me to wait until the last minute and then power through some shit. Don't worry, it'll get done. Everything, and I do mean everything, will get done eventually.

If it seems like I'm being cryptic, it's only because it's nearing 3 in the morning and I've got cotton stuck in one ear so I feel strangely not of this earth right now.

Also, Jeff's mom came over earlier to help me pack. I kinda didn't want her help because I'm private about certain weird things and I don't like people asking me questions like "hey, what's with all the sex toys?" Plus, she nags. So I told her I was sick and that I was just gonna take a nap and I thought that would do the trick. But she ended up sitting at the foot of my bed until I fell asleep. I found that to be incredibly weird. I'm not sure if that makes me strange or her strange? Or both? Maybe.

I dunno what time she eventually left, but she was gone when I woke up and nothing was magically packed so I have no idea how she kept herself entertained. As much as I can admit that she bothers me with her panicky off-the-wallness sometimes, I can truly say that she cares more about people than anyone I've ever known. That in and of itself kinda creeps me out. I guess it's just the way I was raised. Where "that's so gay" becomes the universal truth that gets uttered anytime you get caught caring about someone that isn't yourself. TOO DEEP.

Speaking of the weird unloving way I was raised, I've been talking about my effed up childhood pretty much nonstop everyday on chat with Dina. I can honestly say it's given me more insight the last two weeks than I've had in the last 30ish years of my life. I can also say that sometimes the more you learn about yourself, the more you wish you didn't know. I guess I knew this stuff all along, but it never came to life until I uttered it to someone that I wasn't paying by the hour to listen to me. (Not a hooker, Carlos.)

Suddenly I know why I don't want Jeff to touch me and why I'm so damn controlling and all I can think is "shit, if only that machine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real!"

Raises the question...If you could erase all the bad stuff from your past, would it be worth losing the good stuff? Hmm.

I dunno if I'd be willing to give up myself just to be "happy." What if one day I'm happy and it turns out to be boring and not that great? I'm not some emo life-hater though. As it stands, I just think life is weird, but at least I feel like I'm in on the joke. Well, I hope I am, at least.

In other news, hey, it's my 50th post! And probably the weirdest so far. Here's to the next 50!

19 comments:

*Kristine* said...

Deep, very deep.

You're dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Moving, Jeff, Family, bongs, sex toys, animal poop. Every pile you move something else is found.

Hang in there girl.

Oh, what do you do that you have to wear blazers? I thought only Century 21 Realtors had to wear blazers.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

Yeah, it's strange to have someone sit at the bottom of your bed until you fall asleep. Especially someone elses Mom (ok, it'd be strange if it was my Mom). Sounds like youre dealing with some heavy stuff. The way I see it, it's the good and the bad that make us who we are, it's how you deal with the bad shit that matters

Julie said...

You wrote a very nice post, so honest!

Creepy...I bet she watched you sleep.

Hang in there!!

Dina said...

lol at Kristine's "I thought only Century 21 Realtors had to wear blazers."!

Man you should go to the doctor! The only earache I've ever had (jinx!) was swimmers ear in 4th grade, and that about killed me.

Jeff's mom sounds sweet! I know it seems weird, the whole caring about a person enough to sit on the edge of their bed, but you could have done a lot worse with a MIL. She probably amused herself by making stop motion animation with your dildos. I kid!

I will be your personal Dr. Drew (who I have a big crush on FYI). How does that make you feel, Tricia? As long as you don't act like that Jeff Conway. I was glad his girlfriend kicked him in the back!

TJ said...

about 7 years ago I had an ear infection I was all off balance..I had to crawl to the friggin bathroom. Hurt like hell. No wonder those babies cry at the top of their lungs. :(

I wouldn't be able to sleep with anyone watching me. creepy kinda, but maybe caring. :)

you need to disguise your sex toy box. lol Dont ask how I know this info...lol.. I told my BF if I die he has to dispose of the box before my parents come over to go through my things. lol

:) feel better soon!

twinkelydots said...

Ear infection??? That sucks the big one. Like the others said you might want to have that checked out. I'd hate for you to lose your balance or get vertigo.

If you get a chance this weekend see if your local NPR station is playing "This American Life". There's a story about a guy who wants to get amnesia. He goes to a hypnotist to see if she can hypnotize his memories away even for an hour.

A 80 year old friend of mine died & I helped her daughter clean out her bedroom. Guess who found the box of sex toys & movies? Yeah. That would be me.

I kind of screamed/laughed loud enough for her daughter to come investigate.

Copyrights on some of the movies were pretty current.

(PS Don't hate me.)

Carlos said...

tricia and diiina sitting in a tree... hold on until i get my video camera set up!!!

*Kristine* said...

Carlos seriously needs to get some loving STAT

~TMcGee~ said...

I'm trying to imagine my MIL sitting on my bed watching me sleep....I'm kind of getting scared now and need to suck my thumb while rubbing a silk blanket (don't ask).
I used to have a few *cough* sex toys. Until my daughter found them...while I was standing there showing my neighbor the paint job in our bedroom....yeah, I don't own anymore now.

Pam said...

Pass the girly drinks and let's toast to your next 50 posts!
And trust me chiquita, happy is NOT boring. The same shit that hits you when you're down will hit you when you're happy. You'll just have better ways to handle it. Happy doesn't mean perfect, it just means that everything has more value.
And it is possible to get past all those old scars and ugly memories. But you've gotta learn what works for you. Sorry, but there's no easy way out of it like in Eternal Sunshine. But then again, that turned into a big mess too, so looks like we just have to do it the hard way. Damn!!!!!

SinlessTouch said...

sex toys.... I don't have problems with that! why? take a look!

Café Chick said...

Congrats on your 50th post!
I guess the bad stuff goes along with the good stuff. It's who we are, whether it's in our past or present. We also need to give ourselves permission to be happy. Don't be scared of being happy; it's a wonderful place to be.

wildfluffysheep said...

lol @ twinkely dots and @ carlos

it took me twenty minutes of serious thinking to register where I'd heard social tool with out a use before. Man, I should learn to google quicker.

Sucks about the ear infection. THEY ARE THE WORST. In a year I had eight. Green stuff leaked continuously from my ear. Not fun...

Val said...

Congrats on the 50th! And earaches suck it bigtime. Get you some meds, stat!
BTW "hey, what's with all the sex toys?" made me laugh out loud. So thx for that :D
Feel better!!!

Aimee said...

it appears that childhoods either suck or are amazing. why is there not in between?

carlos makes me laugh.

Sara said...

In addition to the entertaining posts, I stop by this little corner of the web regularly to covet your sprinkly pink donut (<--which isn't a double entendre, but totally sounds dirty, right?).

Now I'm adding screen-licking the frosting on each of the four poison cupcakes you said not to eat. I'll eat them if I want to, you're not the boss of me.

Camevil said...

The bad stuff makes us who we are. And, quite frankly, some of the most bland and soul-dead people are those who were never tested.

BTW, cranky fitness just posted a blog with a cupcake chart. I look at your blog and think, "Rad."

foolsfitness said...

So if you think it's weird having your quirks and then her having her quirks and you both being weird at the same time... isn't it really weird isn't it that people are reading all about it too?

On a serious note: hope your ear is ok.

I've given a little thought into having a uique life and somethings I didn't care for happen to me... and in the end sort of settled with the "I'd prefer to be the dysfunctional me than someone else."

People take about things they regret and I never grasp it. I think most people do the best they can at the point they are. Maybe it might be better if they learned a bit more from their experiences, but that's not regrets.

Being regretless is the foolsfitness way!-Alan

Dina said...

I should watch Eternal Sunshine tonight.

Or Closer

Have you seen that?

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