My ear hurts so I spent all day moping around. I didn't pack at all. Bad bad girl.
It's not unlike me to wait until the last minute and then power through some shit. Don't worry, it'll get done. Everything, and I do mean everything, will get done eventually.
If it seems like I'm being cryptic, it's only because it's nearing 3 in the morning and I've got cotton stuck in one ear so I feel strangely not of this earth right now.
Also, Jeff's mom came over earlier to help me pack. I kinda didn't want her help because I'm private about certain weird things and I don't like people asking me questions like "hey, what's with all the sex toys?" Plus, she nags. So I told her I was sick and that I was just gonna take a nap and I thought that would do the trick. But she ended up sitting at the foot of my bed until I fell asleep. I found that to be incredibly weird. I'm not sure if that makes me strange or her strange? Or both? Maybe.
I dunno what time she eventually left, but she was gone when I woke up and nothing was magically packed so I have no idea how she kept herself entertained. As much as I can admit that she bothers me with her panicky off-the-wallness sometimes, I can truly say that she cares more about people than anyone I've ever known. That in and of itself kinda creeps me out. I guess it's just the way I was raised. Where "that's so gay" becomes the universal truth that gets uttered anytime you get caught caring about someone that isn't yourself. TOO DEEP.
Speaking of the weird unloving way I was raised, I've been talking about my effed up childhood pretty much nonstop everyday on chat with Dina. I can honestly say it's given me more insight the last two weeks than I've had in the last 30ish years of my life. I can also say that sometimes the more you learn about yourself, the more you wish you didn't know. I guess I knew this stuff all along, but it never came to life until I uttered it to someone that I wasn't paying by the hour to listen to me. (Not a hooker, Carlos.)
Suddenly I know why I don't want Jeff to touch me and why I'm so damn controlling and all I can think is "shit, if only that machine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real!"
Raises the question...If you could erase all the bad stuff from your past, would it be worth losing the good stuff? Hmm.
I dunno if I'd be willing to give up myself just to be "happy." What if one day I'm happy and it turns out to be boring and not that great? I'm not some emo life-hater though. As it stands, I just think life is weird, but at least I feel like I'm in on the joke. Well, I hope I am, at least.
In other news, hey, it's my 50th post! And probably the weirdest so far. Here's to the next 50!