Thursday, April 23, 2009

Fine pewter portraits of general apathy...

I'm gonna do something rare here and actually blog about weight loss. More specifically, the lack of. That's right, I haven't lost anything. None. I've lost like negative weight. Let's make it sound better: I haven't not gained weight. There.

Man, I dunno. It sucks because I kinda don't care. Like, I have so much shit going on right now that the last thing I wanna think about is finding a way to trick myself into eating 9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.

But on the flip side of that...I feel like ass. Like, constantly. My back has been all effed up for weeks now. And like, of course! Backs aren't made to support 400 pounds in a pair of old shitty Vans. My heart keeps getting that racy feeling it gets when I eat like I've been eating. It's a signal. Like a subtle WTFBITCH! I know, I know, okay? Calm down!

Like, work has really been kicking my ass lately. I'm not used to all work. I dunno why I'm so damn busy but it makes me long for the days when I could complain about just being bored. So when I get home, I don't wanna do ANYTHING...except, I gotta pack. Cause like, we're moving in 5 DAYS! I always forget how much moving sucks until I have to...move...again. Sigh.

Then I have all this junk going on with my family because my sister's a c-word and my dad's all needy and elderly and unemployed and everyone hates each other and I'm like "didn't I move halfway across the country to escape all this?" But they still call me, and they want me to offer solutions and lend (read: give) my dad money I don't really have and call and talk to my bitchy sister and listen to her play the victim when she's so obviously the catalyst for all these problems and blah blah fucking blah! GAH!

So during all this, I'm still supposed to grocery shop, and cook, and clean, and shower, and wake up, and go to work, and drive in my hot ass car, and I mean, yeah, I CAN fit it all in, but I just DON'T. Something has to suffer and unfortunately, it's my health. And I just don't care. And that part sucks. Because I NEED to care. I wanna say like "I'll start right now!" But I won't. I just figured out a brilliant plan to get me out of cooking all week just by packing up my whole kitchen this weekend.

I dunno, it's always on my mind. Being fat is ALWAYS on my mind. Losing weight is ALWAYS on my mind. I'm thinking about it, and hopefully that will lend itself to forcing me to do something about it because I'm worried I'm gonna be one of those people who has to like be on death's doorstep before I change my ways. My mom had four heart attacks and a stroke and 2 angioplasties and a quadruple bypass and she still ate like crap until the day she died, and I wonder like, is this apathy ingrained or am I just that lazy? Maybe both. I dunno. My greatest fear is like having a heart attack as a giant fattie. What a total fucking cliche! Yet, it's the obvious path unless I snap the fuck outta this funk and get my ass in gear.


We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging already in progress...THIS IS NOT JUST A WEIGHT LOSS BLOG yadda yadda HOT BOYS etc etc.

P.S. To end on a high note, I'm finding a lot of buried treasures while emptying and packing up my closets. Some good: a TON of wrapping paper, my bracelet beads, my nun lunchbox, a cool box of stickers. Some bad: cat turds, Jeff's ukelele (nooooo!), a bunch of old broken bongs. Gotta take the good with the bad, folks.


Diana said...

Tricia, you have a lot of stress going on right now. My suggestion, don't worry about losing weight right now. Plus, I've found it's just not something you can force. You have to be ready to make the commitment. Until you're ready, it will not work.

I understand about thinking about it every day I use to do that same thing. Wake up every freaking morning and think, oh God, I've got to lose weight. Then I'd get on a kick, usually every couple of years. Lose a bunch, then gain it all back. It's been a cycle for the last 30 years.

I don't have an answer for you. Just try to chill for right now. Take care of the moving, talk to the family, and one of these days you'll know it's your time and you'll do it...lose weight. It's just that right now isn't the right time for you.

Take care sweetie (yeah, I called you sweetie, us old farts do that ;). I think about you often, even worry about you. But I know one of these days, it'll be your day and you'll do it.

big_mummy said...

im sorry i had a great big load of condasending crap i wanted to say to make you feel better, but now im thrown. cat turd? seriously? how old?

Dina said...

I hear ya.

I think the ukulele is even funnier than the cat turd. You should get a didgeridoo, and you two could have a band!

arielcircleofnine said...

was the cat turd white or brown? Is it only dog-doo that gets white with age? why am I thinking about this? :-D
Tricia, I agree with Diana. Let yourself off the hook for right now, until the move is over. One suggestion might be that since you'll be in a NEW place with a NEW kitchen, all new surroundings and not sure how far you're moving from the old place, but potentially all new stores and places to eat--try to begin the new eating habits once there!!
We also moved back in Feb right around the time I had an uber stressful business trip to handle, and other mini-crisis of various sorts--so I know the last thing you want to have to deal with is food! Its OK, but I think the fact that you think about it constantly means you're ready to do something. Make a fresh start once you're outta the old away from the broken bongs and cat turds (brown & white)!!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I agree, give yourself sometime to get moved and settled in AND then focus on weight loss. There is too much stress associated with moving, let alone the fact that your kitchen is going to be all packed up and your going to wind up having to order out.

Camevil said...

On one hand, you can't wait for motivation to find you 'cuz it just might never happen. On the other, something's gotta "click" in brain to make you super disciplined.

But, I found neither of these work. You have to let the anxiety and stress and worry go and just turn into a zombie. About everything. Just do what you need to do and don't think about it. You don't need to "focus" to make a plan work. Zombie-mode. It works. Plus, it would be cool next time your sis calls if you answer "Uuuunnnnhhhh....brainzzzz." She might never call again. Bonus.

jessi said...

I have a Uke - it's purple.

Will you never rest, fighting the battle of who could care less?

Pam said...

Wellll I'm not so sure I agree with advising your packing to take priority over your health. Even temporarily. What bothers me most about this posting girl is that you're actually feeling something not right with your heart. And this isn't the first time. You already know it's a warning sign and the facts about your mother having fatal heart problems really are a red flag to me. Sometimes we just need to stop and take a hard look at ourselves. We need to be brutally honest and stop saying things like the laundry needs to be done or the dinner needs to be made and using those things to escape what really needs to be done. Hell yes it sucks to high hell to be fat. And it sucks even more to live in a world that condemns obesity yet continually shoves subliminal Bic Macs into our brain as we shove them into our mouths and nobody wants to take the blame for it. It has become virtually impossible for us to lose weight and the few that actually do lose often find that they gain it right back. It pisses me off. Tricia the truth is girl that your body is telling you something and you're choosing not to do anything about it. It's a lot easier to ignore and I'm the queen of that because I've done it for over 40 years. I saw my mom go through her two angioplasties(sp), my dad had a triple bypass and the love of my life had a quadruple bypass 3 years ago. Was that enough to kick my ass into gear? No. My awakening happened in the dressing room of a plus sized store when I sat down huffing and puffing after trying on clothes that wouldn't fit and saw myself head on under fluorescent lights in a non forgiving full length mirror. Wake up Tricia. Wake up girl. Don't let it take you as long as it took me. And me at regalosdelsol at msn dot com so I can get your real email addy and I don't have to post this stuff all over here.

twinkelydots said...

I'm not here to make you feel better. I'm here to punch you in the ass.

You're moving. So what.
You're upset with your family. So what.
Your back hurts. So what.
Your feet hurts. So what.

So what are you going to do about it?

Wallow in the cat shit you found in the closet?
Keep bitching about it?

Yeah. I thought so.

So What are YOU going to do about it?

Not your family.
Not your stoner boy friend.
Not coatless Amber.


What are YOU going to do about it.

Say it. "Fuck You Twinkelydots."


Put on your big girl panties & do something about it.


Kelly said...

You know, weight loss doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. One small step is a step in the right direction. Hope that doesn't sound preachy or cliche. :)
Just change 1 habit...just 1. Like "for breakfast I'll eat healthy but won't even count points or calories." That's it.

Then add one more good habit like "I'll walk for 5 minutes each day." You don't have to start with all or nothing again. Just something small makes a difference.

As you have more time and you're more settled then add just one more thing. Your health is worth the effort. You'll feel so much better not just physically but emotionally.

Yeah, the cat turd got me. LOL

wildfluffysheep said...

Yay to finding stickers :D *shy nod*

I echo what both Dina and Twinkleydots said. HMMM. Not an original thought today, sorry. I am tired.

*major teletubby hugs* hope the moving goes smoothly.

foolsfitness said...

OOOOOO a nun lunchbox? (jealous!)

Hey, life is what happens when we are planning other things. Perhaps instead of looking at it all in being fat or needing to loose weight you take a step back and just make a small step to a better choice in eating or getting a little movement. Nothing big, no major demands, just a little step... a granola bar instead of funny bones or taking a flight of stairs instead of an elevator. Then just make another little step, hen one more.

Our lives are just a journey of many many small steps.

The blogposting I had a while back with the star of david talked about "whole" fitness. Hey moving is tramatic. Fitness is mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, recreational, and family.

A foolsfitness journey begins with funnybones! -Alan

Dina said...

twinkelydots, punching someone in the ass when they didn't ask for it, is not going to motivate them. If every person in this country just needed tough talk to lose weight, there would not be one fat person in the whole US. We've all heard it before.

Monica said...

OMG! My sisters a C word too!

I think its great you havent gained...just work on maintaining for the time being. [Or something else supportive]

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