The message was simple: Fat...it ain't all bad. Then the heavens opened and I realized that all these extra pounds aren't always such a curse and maybe Freddy Mercury was right (of course he was!) and Fat Bottom Girls really DO make the rockin' world go round!
Look, we all wanna be healthy and skinny, but don't deny that you and your fat had some good times together. Even the most miserable fattie has had at least a few moments in their life where they were Pumped to be Clump. Admit it!
In honor of fatties everywhere, I present to you my Top 5 reasons why Fat Rules:
#1. People don't ask you to help them move. - Especially if they live on anything other than a ground floor, because people who know me know I can barely do stairs just carrying my own fat ass, let alone like a lamp or their Faberge Egg Collection (Sorry, Carlos). Seriously, no one wants me standing around getting in the way of all those skinny jerks working like dogs. Fine by me, too. I barely even helped myself move. I conveniently scheduled most of if during my working hours, and I still have boxes of crap that I haven't even looked at twice from my move like 4 months ago. Some may call it lazy, but I call it smart...and lazy.
#2. Automatic Shotgun. - Think about it. Your friend's driving you and three other friends somewhere. Fattest gets the front seat. This is just like, the law. So sit there and enjoy your own air conditioning vent while the others share whatever air can sneak past your broad shoulders. You need that air...you're fat.
#3: Fat people are more huggable. - Go on, you know you want to. Who doesn't want a squishy shoulder to cry on?
#4: You get to eat what you want. - This is a given. Can't choose between the kettle korn or the funnel cake? Just get both. If you're gonna be fat, at least be fat for a reason. A deep-fried-powdered-sugared-caramel-drizzled reason.
#5: Girls trust you around their men. - Oh god, so dumb. Don't they know how horny fat girls are? Very cocky of these skinny friends to assume their dude would never be into you just because you're fat. Not that I would EVER, because I am a good friend, and also, ew sex. BUT...I'm sure it has happened before. I believe it was the once-fat Monique who said every man wants to be with a real fattie at least once. And once you go fat, you never go back. Or so I hear...
So there you have it. I'm sure there are lots of great things about being post-fat...(not that I'd know...) but don't forget to enjoy your fat perks while you still can! Stop by Fat Daddy's blog and take a gander at his top 5 reasons too. And hey, while you're at it, why not come up with your OWN top 5? Post it on your blog and share your fat acceptance with the world!
Now let's get out there and get us some healthcare!
Took it too far? Oh, okay. My bad.