Monday, September 14, 2009

Ruiner.

You ever feel yourself losing control of your emotions over something stupid and it gets to that point where you're not really sure why you're mad but it's too late to just back out of it at that point? It's like I'm looking at myself from outside my body and saying "man, this girl is a bitch. Oh shit, that's me." I need a reset button on the back of my neck that I can just push and snap out of my craziness. Sometimes I think I just piss myself off so I have a reason to keep believing I'm not worth it.

So...just stop it, Tricia. fuck.

I am real antsy. Like, annoyingly so. Everything I owned is either torn to shreds or all doodled on because I have this nervous energy I can't harness into doing good things like...say, cleaning my house or painting or something so I just write scribbles and cubes and annoy people with my nervousness. Sometimes it gets real bad and I rip out hair. Mostly from my eyebrows. I try not to let it get too bad cause I don't need to add to my weird appearance by sporting eyebrow bald spots. I'll just say that lately they are looking shitty and I dunno why I'm so fucking stressed. I have this internal racing clock that's not even leading me towards anything, so I don't get it.

Breakfast and lunch are all packed for tomorrow and if I can stay within my calories all week, I think I'll go get my eyebrows waxed because at least when they're groomed well, I tend to fuck with them less. So annoying. Not that I think I should get a prize each week for staying on plan, but...at least it's not a cookie cake. Even though I'd prefer that.

Bleh...hey Monday.

23 comments:

big_mummy said...

i dunno what to say except, calm the fuck down. all your shit will still be there for another day, so what if you dont deal today, it aint going nowhere. xx

Irene said...

Tricia,
You can do this...Sorry you are feeling like this, I have been here too!! Just remember if you did it one day, you CAN do it the next day!! Hang in there!!
(((HUGS)))
Love,
Irene

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope that you will be able to find some peace. It's not an easy thing you are trying to do, but one step at a time, even if it's a small one, can make a difference.

Take care.

Roxie said...

I suffer from an anxiety disorder and have found that spending a few minutes deep breathing/meditationg/getting centered really does help with my symptoms. It might help with yours. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace.

wildfluffysheep said...

I wish I had a reset button. And a cookie.

My eyebrow bald spots are no longer there. Took four fucking weeks but they've regrown. Stupid eyebrow raping bitch...

anyhoo... take a deep breath. its only Monday....

Diana said...

It seems like there's something in the air. Karen (Fitcetera) is going through something weird too.

I'd recommend therapy, if you believe in it. I've decided you have to think they can help you or they can't help you. I guess that's why it's never worked for me, but it does for some people.

Anyway, I'm sorry. Sorry you're going through this, sorry your life seems so shitty.

I was kind of feeling a twinge of what you're feeling yesterday morning. I was all out of sorts. My life sucks, I hate everything, you know the routine.

Then they showed this thing on TV that kind of got to me. It was about these people that put together a softball team for kids with disabilities. There was a little girl, about 11 years old. She didn't have any legs and always wanted to play softball. She didn't play it in her wheelchair. It broke my heart watching her. She was sitting/standing there on just her torso, swinging at the ball and hitting it. Then she would use her arms and "run" to first base. And you know what, she was happy, really happy. She said she was thrilled she could play softball.

Kind of woke me up. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Look at this kid, then look at me. She's overcome something so horrible that I can't even imagine it. So I have food issues. Oh well.

I'm just saying Tricia, in spite of everything, you are pretty lucky. You're smart and funny, you're young and pretty (I know you don't see it but I do), and you're basically pretty healthy. Plus, hey, you have both your legs!

Do something with your life. Don't let it pass you by. You have so much to offer the world, don't waste it.

TJ said...

I think prizes are a good idea! I get 10 pound presents!! Some of them are better than others but they are never food related. :)

Shelley said...

Good job setting yourself up for success by packing breakfast and lunch! I hope you feel better today, Tricia - oh, and what is wrong with rewarding yourself for staying on plan each week? I think that's a great idea...as long as it's not a cookie cake, lol!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Nervous energy is your body's way of saying "Give me some exercise."

And lay off them eyebrows.

Erin said...

nervous energy sucks because you can never do anything productive with it. it's like you're one of those wind up tin toys that when you let them go they don't go anywhere specific, but rather jutter around like crazy and eventually fall off the table. i get crazy nervous energy often. when i realize i feel like i'm going crazy, i stop, take a shower and think. then i make a list of things to do. it keeps me on track and focused. cross something off, on to the next. simple enough. it works for me.
ouch...eyebrow pulling. maybe i should try it lol i'm starting to look a little bushly in that department.
keep kicking ass, keep your chin up.

Carlos said...

sucks hate the pointless nervous energy... maybe plan a caper, heist, or mass killing...

Tantra Flower said...

Tricia, I have felt this way before. Many times. I don't know what to say to you, but I feel like I want to say something. Please know I'm thinking about you.

LAF said...

Don't let 'em take off too much brow! I hate it when women get those pencil thin eyebrows...or the permanently surprised look, that's no good either.
Glad you put some of that nervous energy into blogging, that always helps!

@eloh said...

Nervous energy......where's that damn copy boy when you need him!

HopeFool said...

My 8-year old has a mole in his armpit that he calls his "reset button" for when his emotions make him act (like his mom) crazy. Sometimes it works. Maybe you should see if you have one?

Kugo said...

You're full of anxiety and you don't need to explain all that shit, I feel your pain. I get anxiety too, for trivial stuff sometimes. Life is just a series of moments, so take one moment at a time. Your eyebrows will thank you for it.

Kelly

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean by an internal racing clock that's not racing towards anything. why do we torture ourselves with this shit?

Kelly Anderson said...

Hey, at least you didn't kill Patrick Swayze today. Keep your head up missus.

*fitcetera* said...

Fuck did I do this?

Stages of Change said...

I'll add the serenity prayer to Jack Sh*t's suggestion of exercise.

I'll also add Bobby McFarin's timeless wisdom: "Don't Worry Be Happy".

I will also leave before I drop any bumper sticker phrases on ya.

Take care!!!

Tony the Pink Panda said...

Happens to all of us. Everyone just expresses it differently. I like the exercise suggestion Jack came up with. It does wonders for me when I have all those ticking time bomb feelings going on inside.

S. said...

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I gave you the Honest Scrap award at my blog. :-) I love your blog.

Dina said...

Weird, I had this same thing happen when I was playing poker.

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