Friday, September 11, 2009

First off, let's kill all the fat people...

Bipartisanship. It's a word that gets tossed around a lot lately. A buzz word, if you will. It basically refers to when members of two parties can find some common ground and actually agree on something. It's pretty hard to achieve these days. So imagine my surprise when I found a common bond with a member of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen. My mortal arch nemesis Fat Daddy actually said something that wasn't all full of male chauvanistic vigor. Shocking, I know. :P

The message was simple: Fat...it ain't all bad. Then the heavens opened and I realized that all these extra pounds aren't always such a curse and maybe Freddy Mercury was right (of course he was!) and Fat Bottom Girls really DO make the rockin' world go round!

Look, we all wanna be healthy and skinny, but don't deny that you and your fat had some good times together. Even the most miserable fattie has had at least a few moments in their life where they were Pumped to be Clump. Admit it!

In honor of fatties everywhere, I present to you my Top 5 reasons why Fat Rules:

#1. People don't ask you to help them move. - Especially if they live on anything other than a ground floor, because people who know me know I can barely do stairs just carrying my own fat ass, let alone like a lamp or their Faberge Egg Collection (Sorry, Carlos). Seriously, no one wants me standing around getting in the way of all those skinny jerks working like dogs. Fine by me, too. I barely even helped myself move. I conveniently scheduled most of if during my working hours, and I still have boxes of crap that I haven't even looked at twice from my move like 4 months ago. Some may call it lazy, but I call it smart...and lazy.

#2. Automatic Shotgun. - Think about it. Your friend's driving you and three other friends somewhere. Fattest gets the front seat. This is just like, the law. So sit there and enjoy your own air conditioning vent while the others share whatever air can sneak past your broad shoulders. You need that air...you're fat.

#3: Fat people are more huggable. - Go on, you know you want to. Who doesn't want a squishy shoulder to cry on?

#4: You get to eat what you want. - This is a given. Can't choose between the kettle korn or the funnel cake? Just get both. If you're gonna be fat, at least be fat for a reason. A deep-fried-powdered-sugared-caramel-drizzled reason.

#5: Girls trust you around their men. - Oh god, so dumb. Don't they know how horny fat girls are? Very cocky of these skinny friends to assume their dude would never be into you just because you're fat. Not that I would EVER, because I am a good friend, and also, ew sex. BUT...I'm sure it has happened before. I believe it was the once-fat Monique who said every man wants to be with a real fattie at least once. And once you go fat, you never go back. Or so I hear...

So there you have it. I'm sure there are lots of great things about being post-fat...(not that I'd know...) but don't forget to enjoy your fat perks while you still can! Stop by Fat Daddy's blog and take a gander at his top 5 reasons too. And hey, while you're at it, why not come up with your OWN top 5? Post it on your blog and share your fat acceptance with the world!

Now let's get out there and get us some healthcare!

Took it too far? Oh, okay. My bad.

38 comments:

Fat Daddy said...

Tricia... I love it! Your post is awesome...for a girl. (hey I feel like I have to live up to this chauvinistic label you hung on me).

Love your list...the skinny bitches of the world just don't know what they are missing.

Dina said...

Makes me want to hug you.

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

It's funny, but kinda true. This from one who knows.

KrysTros said...

Ok, the pic at the end just clenched it for me. Too funny! Know what? After I started packing on the pounds (used to be an extreme (and skinny)athlete) I found sexier men who treated me better and liked all those extra pounds! Too bad for those skeleton chasers, they are really missing out!

big_mummy said...

i LOVEEEEE #5, totally done that, yeh i wasnt such a good friend.

and #2 made me laugh my ass off- it really does have its good points.

Rebecca said...

oh my gosh... your tooo hilarious!!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

This post makes me want to eat some donuts.

Bad post!

Nina said...

Ha! Silly bitches who trust the fat chick near their man... little do they know that fat chicks tend to have personalities, which some men find quite attractive!

HopeFool said...

#2 - I never thought of that, but you're right. Woot!

#5 - So true. Foolish, skinny girls. How come they don't know fat chicks give the best head? Their boyfriends sure do.

I wrote you a list.

TJ said...

is this post to make me feel bad for the 63 pounds I lost? lol

Amy said...

mmm - funnel cakes.

So, it's okay for me to be a little chunky? Can you tell my husband that?

Carlos said...

#2 is my favorite

Stages of Change said...

I must say that number 2 really is the one I'll actually miss. It's been a long time since theres ever been debate about shotgun.

Also, I was actually planning on getting in touch with you to see about getting together while I was in Vegas but then after your post about your sister, I figured it maybe wasn't the right time. I checked while I was there and you hadn't updated how you were, so I again decided not to ask.

Probably should've just checked anyway, but alas, I pussed out.

Oh well, there's always next time...that my crippling gambling addiction forces me to return to vegas when I shouldn't and cannot afford it...

okay, that's not true.

Lata

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

I want a squishy hug damn it!

LAF said...

Not too far at all! That was funny.

Gigi said...

Too funny! I have been assigned to the front seat many times and was at first hurt that this was a sign of my fat ass. However, the view - and the a/c - are MUCH better than those poor suckers in the back.

From Fat to Fit said...

Hilarious!!

Kelly Anderson said...

Awesome. I sort of eluded to some of this when I posted "Because I'm fat." I am grateful that my fat has kept me from ever having to be a bridesmaid. Who wants to have their wedding photos full of a 300+ pound girl in pink taffeta? No one wants to see that and they sure as hell don't want it immortalized on film.

Tony the Pink Panda said...

#4 made me lol

Lucas said...

Hilarious! :) Thanks!

theantijared said...

My favorite one was #7

screwdestiny said...

Huh. Now I'm kind of wanting to go eat some cheesecake 'cause I never get shotgun AND I have had to help many a friend move. Even though I look like a weak girl. Laaaaame.

TjRenee said...

*lalalalalalala*

Still not listening! I will not crack. ;)

Aimee said...

mmm...funnel cakes.

Julie said...

Love this post!
Love the shotgun thing because it's true. No one wants to be all squished up in the back seat with a fatty ass. lol
I also headed over to Fat Daddy's blog. He's great!

Trish said...

Your list literally made me LOL. Love it!

Hey, I thought of another thing that makes being fat so awesome. My massive gut makes a great table! In fact, as I type this, I'm kicked back in the recliner with my laptop balanced on my table-gut. Sweeeet!

Chris H said...

*sigh*... it's all so true.

bbubblyb said...

#2 is my favorite too *smile*.

Hopeful is sooooo bad lol.

elife said...

You just kill me. The shotgun thing rings so true. A big recent "victory" (in quotes b/c it's pathetic) for me was when I had lost enough that someone else jumped in front and put me in back. But usually my friends always say, "oh, you sit in front, you have the longest legs/you're so tall etc." We all know it's not my height that's the -est.

Anonymous said...

Just ran across this blog. This is hilarious. Love the 5 reasons. Now, I'm thinking, how many times have I been offered the front seat. Something to think about!

Leah said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle. And now I'll take that front seat with pride, thanks :)

Dina said...

shotgunnnnn

tess said...

Oh, man. TOTALLY agree.

Another reason...BOOBS!

I'll never have as good as rack as I had at my heaviest. Shiiiit.

Just came across your site, but it's hilarious!

Jill said...

Gosh, and I thought bipartisanship was something like compromise - it's what everone wants someone else to do. Bipartisanship is what certain old fat dudes what other old fat dudes to be, or they'll tell the whole world, ON TV, what jerks they are for not being bipartisan. I mean honestly, who has ever said, "Let's compromise - I'll do everything YOUR way this time."

Oh, and boobs? Yeah. Reminds me of that movies where hundreds of women hungry to get married are chasing after that guy, and they finally corner him in a church and they start grilling him about what men want in a woman. One of them demands to know how much he thinks a woman should weigh, but, unfortunately he's a guy, and doesn't know/care so he guesses, "A hundred and fifty pounds?" Wrong answer, and some fatty from the nosebleed section holds up her ample rack and shouts "YOU DON'T GET THESE FOR A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!"
I love my boobs. L-O-V-E. They balance out my butt, and make up for a lot of the stuff I hate about being fat. Not enough, mind you, but some.

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Fat Bastard said...

Eat!

Anonymous said...

I didn't think it was possible, but now I think fat people are even more disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Incorrect. Being fat is always morally wrong, even when you think it is out of your control. It is never out of your control, because suicide is always available.

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