Saturday, May 8, 2010

Just letting it out...

Gah, this weekend blows.

Yesterday when I got up for work, my dang car wouldn't start. I mean, it wouldn't even try! I convinced myself it was the battery and had to go wake Jeff up to take me to work. Only problem is, he had just gone to bed like an hour before I had to wake him. He is NOT good on sleep-deprivation! I had to keep pacing around yelling "C'MON BABE I'M GONNA BE LATE!" about 40 times a minute because he kept zonking out like some toddler on a long car ride. I shouldn't bitch because I'm sure I would have been one grumpy bitch had the tables been turned, and I was technically only 3 minutes late. But when you work in a call center, three minutes matters! Man, I hate that shit.

Anyway, it wasn't the battery! Alternator. Bleh. $144.99. There goes THAT paycheck. Oh well, cars fuck up, that's life, I guess. Hopefully I'll get it back today because I have shit.to.do. Ya know?

Mother's Day is always all emo for me. I miss my mom like crazyyyyyy. Every day I remember something about her and it makes me smile, then makes me sad. I really wish she was still around to help me figure out my life and tell me everything will be okay. And to sing along loudly to songs I hate on the radio in the car. :)

It's also the tw0-year anniversary of my niece's death. Which still sucks every day. Mostly I'm just mad about it. I miss her a lot and it just...sucks. At least twice a week I'll think of something I wanna say to her and then have to remember she won't be there to hear it. That girl could quote Anchorman lines like nobody's business! Gah...I just miss her so much.

Plus, I find myself questioning and struggling with my own beliefs about death and what happens afterwards lately. It's a weird feeling. I've held on to these thoughts so tightly and defensively my whole life for comfort and strength, and now it's almost like I'm fighting myself to change them. I just don't know anymore and it feels so weird to say it. There's all this guilt in letting go. It makes dealing with death so much harder.

Add in more bullshit drama from my sisters who aren't happy unless they have something to be pissed off about. I just don't care anymore.

All I wanna do is stay on plan and keep going and doing this for myself.

I'll make it through this weekend and I know I'll be okay.

Happier posts next time...promise!

15 comments:

Big Clyde said...

I wish we could go grab a coffee or something. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I hope you can download with someone and have some fun this weekend.

You could go see Iron Man 2, for instance. It's snuck up on me, but I am totally excited. I saw that you like Gwynnie and there is that super suit! What if Gwynnie wore the super suit....?

Have a good weekend and know that I'll be thinking of you and how you miss your family.

411 Gurl said...

Tricia, we eerily have similar things in common. Today my first love will have been gone 6 years. I struggle often with the fact I couldn't save his life that day 6 years ago on Mother's day. 28 years ago I lost my father on Easter. Easter never falls on the same day so I mourn his death heavy on both Easter and his passing date. I can tell you this though, it's ok to feel pain. It's ok to let those emotions run through your body. Life happens to everyone and we have to accept that. Both of us are capable of beating this weight issue. I have a feeling both of struggle with the mindset of life. We are both beautiful capable smart women that are capable of anything. We design our own supersuits. (Right Clyde?) Take care of you sweetie. *hugs*

Twon said...

I'm sorry about your car :(

Questioning things that you've believed your entire life can be difficult absolutely. But good for being in touch with your emotions!

TC said...

HUGS!

TJ said...

I wish I lived closer...well not really-I don't do well in the heat, and I'd probably have to go to rehab for gambling issues....but I would like to be able to chat with ya & hang out. :) Cheer up my friend...I know losing loved ones is hard- be happy for all of the happy memories you share. :) XOXO

Stephen said...

I'm glad that with all that stuff your dealing with, you still want to stay on the plan!!!

I question the after death stuff all the time. For me, I've learned just to let it go for a while. I'm trying to remove anything in my life that makes me feel guilty. Guilt is a bitch, and one of the big reasons I used to overeat.

Hey, you have a good weekend!!!

LAF said...

Three minutes is huge in a call center. It can make or break the PEF (Performance Evaluation Form) or whatever OTHER Office Space-type acronym that your work uses!
Mother's Day can be an emotional time. I'm so sorry for your losses.
Glad to hear that you are removing things from your life that make you feel guilty. Keep me posted on the magic formula for that one. I need it!

Shelley said...

Thinking about you today, Tricia...hang in there.

Oh, and I love lamp.

Rob West said...

Hang in there sis. I hate car problems too. They always suck big time. For the loved ones in my family that have passed on I think about them a lot. I am like you and hang on to the good memories. I like to have a drink in honor of them or lite a candle in the house for them. As far as life after death, I personally believe very strongly that there is something. I am from Missouri(the show me state) so I like science to help prove things. I would like to recommend a book by a scientist from Missouri. His name is Gregg Braden and wrote a book called The Divine Matrix. It will blow your mind. Here is the link if you are interested. Have a good weekend.
http://www.amazon.com/Divine-Matrix-Bridging-Miracles-Belief/dp/1401905730/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273338193&sr=8-1

She-Fit said...

I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I will be praying for you. Hang in there.

Tricia said...

hope you can find a ray of sunshine this weekend...

Michelle said...

I totally feel what you're talking about about mother's day, death, and what happens after death, and questioning everything. I'm going through that right now. I'll be visiting my mother tomorrow at her grave. Yay Mother's Day!

Linda Pressman said...

Sorry about all this junk coming up at once.

About death, I lost my dad a few days before my 15th birthday and that was exactly when I stopped believing in death as final. I knew that there could be no end to my dad - I could never believe that he just flitted out of existence. Also I became aware that, though the physical part of him had died, I still felt him around me, if that makes any sense. It really changed my perspective on the loss.

screwdestiny said...

Yes, staying on plan would be a very good thing. Know why? Because it's one of the few things you can control, and you're going to feel very good about yourself when you do and you have a good loss next week and know that you did your best for your body.

I'm sorry about the car. My back window just decided to stop rolling up. Cars are lame sometimes.

Kim said...

Gosh, I didn't know you were feeling some of the same stuff too. If you read a few posts back in my blog...you'll see. I talk about losing my faith. It's something that took a lot out of me to even admit...and admitting in the midst of my husband probably having a terminal illness, just makes it suck even worse. So, trust me when I say this...I understand perfectly when you say it makes it harder to deal with death. Until I came over to your blog just now I didn't even realize how many effin days have passed...lol. Crap, I've got a lot of blogs to visit. Jeez.

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