Gah, this weekend blows.
Yesterday when I got up for work, my dang car wouldn't start. I mean, it wouldn't even try! I convinced myself it was the battery and had to go wake Jeff up to take me to work. Only problem is, he had just gone to bed like an hour before I had to wake him. He is NOT good on sleep-deprivation! I had to keep pacing around yelling "C'MON BABE I'M GONNA BE LATE!" about 40 times a minute because he kept zonking out like some toddler on a long car ride. I shouldn't bitch because I'm sure I would have been one grumpy bitch had the tables been turned, and I was technically only 3 minutes late. But when you work in a call center, three minutes matters! Man, I hate that shit.
Anyway, it wasn't the battery! Alternator. Bleh. $144.99. There goes THAT paycheck. Oh well, cars fuck up, that's life, I guess. Hopefully I'll get it back today because I have shit.to.do. Ya know?
Mother's Day is always all emo for me. I miss my mom like crazyyyyyy. Every day I remember something about her and it makes me smile, then makes me sad. I really wish she was still around to help me figure out my life and tell me everything will be okay. And to sing along loudly to songs I hate on the radio in the car. :)
It's also the tw0-year anniversary of my niece's death. Which still sucks every day. Mostly I'm just mad about it. I miss her a lot and it just...sucks. At least twice a week I'll think of something I wanna say to her and then have to remember she won't be there to hear it. That girl could quote Anchorman lines like nobody's business! Gah...I just miss her so much.
Plus, I find myself questioning and struggling with my own beliefs about death and what happens afterwards lately. It's a weird feeling. I've held on to these thoughts so tightly and defensively my whole life for comfort and strength, and now it's almost like I'm fighting myself to change them. I just don't know anymore and it feels so weird to say it. There's all this guilt in letting go. It makes dealing with death so much harder.
Add in more bullshit drama from my sisters who aren't happy unless they have something to be pissed off about. I just don't care anymore.
All I wanna do is stay on plan and keep going and doing this for myself.
I'll make it through this weekend and I know I'll be okay.
Happier posts next time...promise!