Friday, May 14, 2010

Might wanna grab a snack for this one...

Alright guys, we gotta lotta ground to cover today so let's get to work:

First thing's first: DUDES...Project 300 is kicking a lot of effing ass right now! We're halfway there! We're at 275/300 followers. That's 25 new people in like a WEEK! AWE-SOME! What word is better than awesome? Find out what it is and let me know so I can call this that. I am happy.

NEXT: Thanks for all the questions! I'll get to work on them right away! I might even include a few in this very blog post. If you're lucky, that is...

MOVING ON: I fulfilled a life-long dream of mine today when I went to Party City and finally, after over a decade of searching, found confetti shaped like my name! Oh god, so awesome. Check it!
I'll prolly end up cutting off the first PA, because it makes my name sound too formal. And you guys know I'm all about the party. My name is the mullet of names. At work, I'm all "Oh yes, this is Patricia, I'm happy to help you. Please, feel free to yell at me, it's what I get paid for." then 5:00 rolls around and I rip off that PA all "woooooooo, eff you, bank! Tricia rules!" and run out of the building shooting off some mad middle fingers and speed off in my sweet sweet El Camino (the mullet of cars) leaving some hardcore skids in the parking lot on my way out the gate.

Well, I don't have an El Camino, but that shit would be extra sweet if I did. And secretly, I have always dreamed of owning one. With a foot-shaped gas pedal. REDNECK ROOTS. Sigh.

ALRIGHT, LETS KEEP IT GOIN: So this lady Frances at work emailed me today and was all "hey girl, I brought you a souvenir from my cruise! Come get it." and I was all "hot dog!" thinking it was gonna be some cool Carribean Rum or like...I dunno, some Samoan hottie or something. It was this:
Don't get me wrong! I do enjoy having a cool-cat president, and I'm all for Obama. (Sorry Repubz...) But why would you go on a Carribean Cruise and bring someone back a dang Obama keychain?? Then I was like "Oh...what island did you get this from?" and she's all "no, I got it in the Las Vegas airport!" Las Vegas, as in, like, the town that we live in! She's so great, and I love her, but sometimes, she's a little out there.

When she went to Hawaii LAST MONTH (seriously, wtf vacations?), she brought me back this shell necklace and I swear to god, the shells are arranged in such a way that it looks like a string of sets of balls. Like for real balls, nads, nuts, whatever you call them. Crap, now I gotta take a picture of those. I'll do that tomorrow!

Anyway, so like, the keychain is solid as hell. I'm pretty sure I could knock out any would-be attackers if I just threw my keys at them. So I put it on my keyring today and I put my keys in my pocket to go home (eff purses!) and they were like making my pants drag! NSV(?)! I was holding them up like a nerd just trying to get outta the building and make it to my car without any repeats of my pants-on-the-ground episode from the first week I started work all those years ago. I don't think I'm ready for smaller pants yet, but at least progress is being made! w00t!

This is a long ass post, huh??
NEXT UP ON THE AGENDA: My home-slice 411 Gurl made a collage the other day as part of a SparkPeople challenge showing her vision of what she wants her life to be like in the not-so-distant future. Since we're partners in Losin' the Chunk, she asked me to do the same. So I did this in my spare time at work today:
It's not as rockin' as hers, cause sadly I only had like a Weight Watchers magazine from like 2006 and a magazine called ISLANDS that I stare at about twice a week when I truly truly hate my job/life. It helps! Island livin, that shit is for me. You should make your own too! Then we'll make a collage of collages and the internet will fucking implode. Sometimes shit is just too powerful, you know? It's just a damn series of tubes, what do you people want??

LAST THING'S LAST! I tried to do a dang video blog to answer some questions. I like set up my camera in the bathroom and went to town on that list! But...it won't effin load. Maybe it's too long? I guess I'll try it again tomorrow so you guys can be stunned by my ugliness and awesome question-answering skillz and over-use of hand gestures.

I'll just answer a few here in boring ol' regular typing to try to make up for it.

SO...
Wishing on a star said... What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?

I guess I'd have to say...
a) skydiving, because it looks so rad and I haven't shit my pants in quite a while...
b) Going to Ireland...because it looks so rad and I haven't shi....hey, wait a minute. Mostly because I hear it's awesome and I never really go anywhere awesome, plus pots of gold, obv.
c) BLOGGER MEETUP! One day it will happen.


Chai Latté said... Would you rather.... Have a big ol' penis in place of a nose or Have a nose in place of a vajeez Also.. what is your middle name?

If I'm being honest, I don't use my vagina much except for peeing these days, and I assume the nose would have some sort of nostril/pee accessibility? However, the monthly 3-day nosebleed would probably be too much for me. As for my nose, it's pointy and weird...Dina calls it The Bob Hope. So I guess a penis, a big ol' one even, might not be so bad of a replacement. Plus, I've always wanted to know what it was like to have a donger for a day or two, but I never thought about it being a part of my face before. If it does ever happen, I hope it's around Halloween time so I can craft an extremely detailed Gonzo costume. I think I artfully dodged really answering this question.

Also...it's Ann. Real original, Mom!

One more...

Camevil said... Being in Vegas, does it matter that it's a "dry heat" if it's still fucking hot?

Alright, "dry heat" is a fucking myth. If you're fat, it doesn't matter what kinda heat it is, you will sweat...a lot. Plus, people underestimate the sun when you live in a place like this. It's like this fucking overbearing warlord watching over you every minute of the day to make sure you're not caught trying to have some fun. It's such an oppressive force! Seriously, people don't get it. "Dry heat" is a term made up by southerners who wanna win some imaginary "it's hot here" contest.

That being said, I'm from Texas and the summers suck shit there too. So I guess I would just say, any heat is hot and it sucks, especially for a fat.

Alright, chaps. It's been fun. See ya later!

17 comments:

fatty blogsticks said...

omg, awesome confetti! did they have any for 'fatty blogsticks'? i can never find my damn name in novelty party items.

wow, i wanna go to vegas to get me an obama keyring! looking forward to seeing your ball necklace xx

411 Gurl said...

... I ain't never been nobody's home-slice before. Dude. Home-slice is better than the word Awesome!!! I think doing this collage was one of the most empowering things I've ever done in awhile for me. Did you get similar feelings? I printed mine out (made it on powerpoint) and have it at my desk at work. I think I'm going to take one home for the refrigerator but I don't want to make the kids jealous I'm more creative. LOL Take care sista. I'm going to work on making a page dedicated to these collages.. I'm all about burning up the internet...

Camevil said...

Hot is hot. Got it. And I'm glad you squeezed some "fucks" out for this blog post.

Speaking of ball necklaces, have you ever heard of "neuticals?" Check out this fine merchandise:

http://www.neuticles.com/merchmart.php#earings

http://www.neuticles.com/merchmart.php#necklaces

Big Clyde said...

you said "hardcore skids".

anne h said...

I wanted to find a person "up north" to switch-out summers and winters with. I could spend some time up there in the summer. And they could spend some time down here in Texas in the winter.
Sounds like a win-win to me.

TJ said...

BLOGGER MET UP! I second that bucket list wish! SOME people who shall remain anonymous messed that up for us huh T. :( boooo!

Hope the video loads up! I WANNA SEEEEEEE!

411 Gurl said...

Tricia... check this site out if you're interested...she's a cutie patootie and a low carber of at least years...
I thought of you. http://skinnyemmie.com/

Jessie said...

Tricia, I just wanted to say that you make my day every time I get to read one of your blog posts. Keep it up.

Flabby McGee said...

I think you are about the funniest person ever. I laugh my ass off everytime I read you. You have a real gift, it's amazing. And yeah, El Camino's are the shizznit - even tho I live in NY. Redneck my ass, those things are cool. It's like "car?" or "truck?" or "catruck?" sweet. You're awesome, cant' wait to see video :)

midlife_swimmer said...

mullet of names...ha!

wildfluffysheep said...

omg i want confetti in the shape of MY name. damnit.
way to go on the 300 thing... though it reminds me of the fit men in the film!

oh man MAKE THE VIDEO SHIT WORK tricia. make it work.

Julie said...

ok..um..the bit about the penis nose...I kept trying not to laugh..but couldn't help it.it was freaking hysterical..so all my co-workers must think I am over here screwing around :) Which I am...but I am the manager...so I don't really care.

biz319 said...

Ha - funny post! When I saw the Obama thing, I was like WTF? Oh well - at least she brought you back something!

Love the collage! :D

screwdestiny said...

My goodness, I was laughing so hard when you were talking about your name. Where do you come up with this stuff?

You should totally go skydiving as a reward to yourself when you lose enough weight. And take a video of it, of course.

Kim said...

Damna Tricia, I've had some pretty sh*tty days here lately. I come over here and cry some more only I'm laughing when I do it...so thanks. I SO needed that. Effin Gonzo...lmao..that kills me! You answered that one with sophistication. lol Then the El Camino thing...lmao some more. I used to work at a bank and felt the same way every single day. Yeah, it was on the rough side of town so at least we had like 3 inches of bullet proof glass b/t us and the customers. lol

LouLou said...

Move to Canada! You can chose between ridiculous temperature ranges (the city I live in swings between +40 degrees in the summer and -40 degrees in the winter (so like 95 degress farenheit to like ... really fucking cold? farenheit). Or you can move to one of our desserts, WHICH ARE MADE OF ICE, or you can move to winters that are long-as-fuck with lots of snow, or long-as-fuck with almost no snow (BECAUSE IT'S TOO COLD TO SNOW) or you can move out to the West Coast and get rained on for eight months of the year.

Seriously!

Twon said...

I didn't know Obama was born in the Caribbean ;) Video, I keep saying I'm going to post some of those.

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