Monday, May 24, 2010

Not have your cake and not eat it too.

I gotta say, I'm getting a little tired of going to parties and only drinking water. Last night I went to Jeff's Mom's birthday party and it was full of awesomeness and I didn't have any of it. On one hand, I feel semi-proud of myself, because it feels nice to have that much control over what is most obviously a serious and lifelong addiction.

But on the other hand, I feel bitter. Bitter that these regular-sized people surrounding me can eat and drink what they choose and then be done with it. They don't have to count calories or carbs or anything else. They just get food, and eat it, then go on with their business. It's frustrating.

It's a weird conundrum being on low-carb. There's a cake, and I want it. Like, I want it a lot. But I don't feel this overpowering urge to have it. I can want things and not cave, but I'm not happy about it.

...and I feel like I should be! I feel like I should be overjoyed that I am taming this fucking monster that lives inside my brain. But instead, I'm just like, pissed at the monster. In theory, I'd love to say "no thanks, I don't want that" but instead it's more like "no thanks, I CAN'T have that." (sadface.)

So I'm trying to decide if I need to have a little slack. Will I be able to reign it back in? If I stay so super strict, will I burn out and quit altogether? What's the right answer here?

I know this is a weight loss blog, but I do so hate talking about dieting. I cringe when people ask me about it in public. The 'D' word. I feel so self-conscious when people know I'm dieting. I always feel like they're thinking either "it's about time, fatty." or "wow, what's the point?" It sucks. It's probably all in my head. Lots of things are. Stupid annoying brain always trying to bring me down.

Anyway, I think I've finally hunted and gathered enough things for my giveaway, so I'll be posting that thing soon. I'm sick of these depressing posts! I blame the cake.


Sharon said...

I sampled one bite of my daughter's apple pie yesterday and it helped me make it through the day without feeling so deprived. Maybe it would help you be more content if you just eat a teeny tiny piece?

Jams said...

I try to not refer to it as a diet. I could never do low carb though, as if I cut things out, it just makes me want them more (mentally, of course). And that's tough to deal with. So, all things in moderation for me.

Don't blame the cake though... it was delicious! *burp* :)

Sharon said...
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Dana ( said...

Perhaps you shouldn't look at it as 'dieting' per se...more about getting healthy and fit, and having a healthy lifestyle which will bring you so much more joy as life goes on.

I think you have to splurge every once in a while or like you said you will burn out and fall off the wagon. This has happened to me many times before. The catch is if you don't think you are mentally ready for the 'splurge' yet, than you have to stay strong and be strict. Because it is a vicious cycle.

I think eventually you will enjoy eating healthy and overcoming all the emotions that go along with eating cake, and crap, and you will feel so proud of your accomplishments.

Anytime you think of wanting to eat the crappy stuff, just stop and think. Think about what it's done to you in the past, how it has gotten you where you are now, and if it is really worth it or not.

Eating healthy and losing weight is 90% mental. If it was easy we would all be skinny bitches!!!

Keep up the good work!

LMH said...

I think that everyone has different ability to have a little splurge once in a while. I have a little bit of cake once in a while, but I notice I am extremely pissed if the cake is just ok. If I am going to spend the calories for cake, I want it to be AWESOME.

Also, these normal sized people may not eat whatever they want. It may just appear that they do. I find that my normal sized friends eat "whatever they want" in public, but keep it to really low key in private on a daily basis.

Do the experiment at the next high-quality cake opportunity, and see if a little slice is a good thing or not. For me it works to have a little of what I love. For others is sets of troublesome binges.

Katy said...

I give myself one day a week. It's enough to feel like I'm not going crazy, but not too much where it totally derails me. Although, monday's are sometimes hard...sometimes tuesday's too. (my free day is Sunday)

I'd say if you're going to give yourself slack, make sure it's got strick guidelines... like dinner saturday night, instead of "dinner once a week" that way you're not tempted to do it on Tuesday, then again on Saturday...which would be something I'd do.

Anonymous said...

Having a tiny bit of cake for a carb addict is like an alcholic having one beer.

It ain't going stop there.

I know. I am a carb addict. Low carb keeps me sane and quiets the mind ... (it gets easier as time goes by, to IGNORE carbs.)

Incidently, after being low carb for six months, I can drink low carb alchol with out it lowering my defenses and sinking me back into carb hell.

TJ said...

It's hard when you take away things you love. That is why I try to make stuff I can eat. No DIET in my house!!! :) Come on over I have cupcakes! :)

meleemistress said...

LMH is right on. When we see skinny people eat cake in public, we're only seeing one meal. Maybe they don't eat the rest of the day. Who knows? It's not worth agonizing over, because they're not you.

As far as splurging a bit, I think it's worth an experiment or two, but you might want to control the setting a bit. For example, don't buy a sheet cake and keep it in your fridge while you experiment with "just a little bit." But maybe sometime when you're out eating dinner, plan to have a very small dinner (appetizer/salad only) and some sort of dessert at the restaurant. That way you're not bringing anything home.

You might also consider timing. Save your carbs until the end of the day so that you can sleep through any binge urges that arise. If you go for a danish at breakfast, you might find the rest of the day to be very tricky.

Good luck! You're doing great. :)

Blossom said...

Wow girl, super-willpower! Good for you. As the results keep coming, you'll find it was worth it!

Katy said...

I gave you an award...over on my blog!

Psykochatter said...

I am exactly the same with the not wanting people to know I'm dieting! Also, though I love to hear "wow! you're losing weight!" I'd almost sometimes rather people ignore it. *shrug*

I feel your pain on the cake. I have a guy at work that brings me candy/pastry every day.. to my desk. I have to smell it then throw it away!

Teale said...

I'm sorry you're feeling the "it's not fair" portion of weight loss. I think we've all been through that! I know that everyone has their own plan & belief for what works for them, so I'm not saying the low carb thing is bad, because it works for some people. But I just could so not do it, for the very reason you seem to be struggling. I would have to give in from time to time. The thing about low carb is that as soon as you start incorporating them again, sometimes weight loss will stall. What works for me personally is having carbs in my diet, but just having GOOD carbs... not the sugary sweet, starchy carbs. Sometimes filling that carb appetite with the good ones can actually satisfy that overpowering urge we can sometimes get.
I think the important thing to think about is that this journey does not have a final destination. Meaning, when you lose X amount of weight, the journey isn't over, and you don't get to go back to eating the "old" way, so denying yourself all treats forever and ever just isn't gonna cut it! Find a way to work them in so that your sweet tooth or whatever it is you crave can be satisfied from time to time.
Sorry to ramble on, I just got going & couldn't stop myself!

Big Clyde said...

I have the same anger toward my monster. I find that I feel like the aggressor when I am losing pounds. If I have a week where I lose 1-2 pounds, then I really want to keep it going.

Nice job at the party though!

arielcircleofnine said...

Slack is good once in a while if its planned and controlled---I have to allow myself that or I'll go nuts.
Feel free to blow off the Public D-Discussions, you dont owe anyone anything by the way. Not even in a mean way, but like its a very personal thing! So dont feel bad!
And dont listen to your stupid annoying brain (the crazy bitch inside MY head has sabotaged me many-a-day!). You are kicking butt, doing the best you can for yourself and your health every day and thats mad props for you dahhhling!

Anonymous said...

when I really want something and it is in my face and I don't eat it.. I tell myself there will be a time down the road when I will be able to once I lose my weight and I start just remember it is not FOREVER..

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

There's a couple of schools of thought. Some people will tell you that a little cake won't hurt you, that it'll make you feel less deprived.

My experience is that a little bit of crap just primes the pump, makes you crave more like nobody's business. Like you, I get a sense of empowerment knowing that I can say "no, thanks."

My rule these days is that I pick and choose when to indulge. If it's a crappy grocery store job with whipped Crisco icing, I pass. If it's a made-from-scratch beauty, I have a slice. But when I was in my big losing phase, I basically said "no, no, no".

Keep the momentum going for as long as you can, Tricia. Once the ball stops rolling, it's hard to get it moving again.

Anonymous said...

I am on a low carb diet.

It is a diet. Don't care how you want to sweeten up the language (*happy lifestyle with sprinkles and unicorns*), it is still an effing diet.

That said.

I am sticking with low carb (actually, you might as well call it high fat) because it takes away the kind of hunger that feels impossible to ignore. Another reason I am sticking with low carb is because I have lost well over 100 pounds on 3 previous occasions, using *balanced eating* but the hunger monster always returned. Every time, I gained the weight back plus extra. I am metabollically challenged. My lipostat is busted.

I'm not some psychobitch with no willpower. This is physiological warfare. Don't let anyone tell you different.

So, I do weird shit to re-set my metabolic/fat regulators the best I can. That means high fat and low carb. That means taking breaks in my diet when I add extra calories (not extra carbs) to make myself maintain rather than continue to lose.

Hey, maybe I'm screwed anyway. But at least I'm not hungry or binging.

And I'm shrinking.

Also, I don't do that chronic cardio crap. I'm into HIIT on a recumbent bike. Kicks ass.

Flabby McGee said...

I could tell you it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change, and I could say that thin people work just as hard to stay thin, and I might be right. But anyway you want to put it - in my fat person's eyes, it's all not fair, and it's all bullshit. As far as I can tell, skinny people were born with great genes, I was not. I hate them on principle, unless you're family of friend - and sometimes I hate them anyway too. it's not fair, never is, never will be. I respect your rant and bitch posts, because a lot of us feel that way but just don't say it. You're doing a great job if you can resist cake. I couldn't, it was my son's b-day party this saturday. So, kudos to you, and post depressing posts all you want, if that's what helps. Then burn the effing cake.

poisoncr8zylush said...
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Trina Lee said...

same shoes girl, same shoes...i <3 your blog and so glad you are fighting the good fight, keep it up cause you're awesome

Diana said...

Without reading any comments, here's my two cents (and that's probably just about what it's worth):

NO! You absolutely can not cut yourself any slack. Not now, not while you're essentially still at the beginning of getting this figured out.

Something my Weight Watcher leader told me about a year ago always sticks in my head. If you want big results, you need big changes. Tricia, you need big results and you're getting them, but you're sacrificing a lot. For now, that's just what you have to do.

Someday down the road, you can maybe you can cut yourself a little slack, but you're not there yet.

I know a lot of people will probably totally disagree with me (and we're a lot alike in the food addiction department). This works for me. I've been doing this "diet" thing for decades so I know a little about what works and what doesn't. Once I cut myself "a little slack", a little because a lot and then I'm right back where I started.

As far as "normal" people eating what they want and we can't, I understand that. I grieved for a while too over what I can't have in life, like cake. I too LOVE cake. I can't tell you the last time I had a piece of cake. Does it hurt? No. Does it ruin my life? No. It's just something I've come to accept. Took me about two years to get to this point, but this is my new normal. No cake for the seriously food addicted. :)

Hang in there Tricia. You're doing this and it's going to be so worth it!

big_mummy said...

man i have missed you!! you and me, we think the same i swear, your just better at getting it out than me lol. i hate normal people and their snacking ways! curse them.

you are doing so awesome on the work biggest loser thing, you can kick her ass!! woop.

screwdestiny said...

Well, when I know a person is on a diet, I don't think either of those things. I think, Good for them. So yeah, it probably is just in your head. :) However, I think for now you should stay strict. That works best for me when I'm trying to lose a little weight. Once I start allowing little cheats it's easier for me to say, "Ah, fuck it," then when I've been perfect. Don't want to ruin the streak, you know? BUT if you feel like you're going to crack and binge, then it probably would be better to allow yourself small indulgences.

Julie said...

In life there is cake...just not cake every day..or every week. And once you've had it, you must walk away. (I know that is SO much harder than it sounds!) If you tell yourself no all the time eventually you'll crack and it won't stop with a piece of cake.

You really just have to be honest with yourself and decide if you'll be able to stop with one thing...this is all for you...not for all of us.

LMH said...

I also want to add that there is a happy medium between cake and water. Perhaps you can bring some Tricia safe food to these get-togethers, like fruit or some other thing?

I do well when I know there is "safe" food - my favorite is hummus and vegetables. Social events are the hardest part for me - I am a social eater.

Twon said...

Well it's certainly no secret to anyone who reads -my- blog that I pencil slipups into my schedule like it's required by law! :) I am of the school of thought that A) living life is more important then my diet, and life doesn't always cater low carb. It's just a matter of being aware of and accepting the consequences beforehand. I know if I go carb crazy i'm gonna feel like crap for a few days, want to shove crap down my throat, and stifle my weight loss for the week (maybe). And as bad as that sounds, there are just some occasions where this is worth it.

And B) I am also from the school of "keep your body guessing" and really believe the occasional high carb day (or high calorie day for those folks) will actually help keep your metabolism guessing what's going on. So, If I had been perfect all week, I may have had a peice of cake. I also would have carb-cuttered the hell out of it lol I try not to use starch / sugar blockers often (i doubt their effectiveness anyways) but I keep some on hand for an all out carb crisis :)

Mishy said...

i'm a normal sized person but i still track my calories. even when you get to your goal weight, you still have to fight putting the weight back on. so it may look like those normal sized people can eat and drink whatever they want, but i bet a few of them are like us, keeping track of things in their head and moving on.

Shelley said...

I find that I really can't cut myself much slack when it comes to MY cravings - sugar - without there being pretty disastrous consequences...instead of being happy that I got a taste, I just ended up craving more and more, so FOR ME (not saying everyone, just me), it's easier to not open that door.

That said, I feel your pain and frustration at continuing to watching the skinny people have their damn cake!

POD said...

Food addiction is a bitch. I know cuz I'm a food addict. And I'm using this comment box as my personal OA meeting during the finale of the Biggest Loser.

I think your lack of cake has lowered your blood sugar to the point where you have neglected to send me your address so I can send your hippy sign. Pls, do I have to have another give-away to give away your hippy sign?

I started blogging because I got a cancer diagnosis. Then I decided I didn't just have cancer, I was born with an illness so occasionally I'd throw comments about being born with an illness into the mix. Then I also had a food addiction so I decided to write about that too. My husband died of cancer. My son was dx with HIV. I mean, talk about a list of shit...don't!)

I quickly tired of thinking about and writing about all the crappy things, and felt like I wanted to quit, in a sense, glorifying the shitty things, and giving so much publicity to them. After all, I was not (am not!!) my illnesses or my fatass or my kankles. I'm a human being, not an animal (Thank you, Elephant Man.)

So sometimes and more so lately, I've been wondering about all this writing about dieting and if it's a good thing. If you didn't have your dieting, would you still be as funny? Sometimes I worry if I didn't have my gynecological oncologist, would I be as funny? If I had normal ankles, would I laugh? If I had fewer chins, would I be as jolly?

POD said...

Yeah, we'd still be funny. We'd just have to make fun of others.

Sarah said...
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Sarah said...
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anne h said...

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