I'm really frustrated. Going though this whole why-do-I-hate-myself-so-much stage of my life right now. I don't think a single day passed in the last week where I didn't cry and have a pitiful breakdown. It was just a bad week. I dunno why I do this. I do well and I kick ass, then I let it slip and it makes me hate myself. I waste a lot of time hating myself and thinking I'm such a weak lazy bitch and then I hate myself even more for wasting time.
It sucks. I mean, most days I don't think I'm THAT awful. But then some days I'm just consumed by this rageful self-hate and I don't know how to shut it down. So it lingers and I just about give up on everything. Then one day I wake up and I'm over it for a little while. Needless to say, I have some fucked up shit inside my head and I don't know what to do with it. It doesn't seem to be going away on its own so it's time to start looking for a new therapist to hate.
In an attempt to get outta my head for a while, I went out with the gang to a karaoke bar for Jack's birthday. It was way more fun than anyone was expecting, I think. I didn't even drink but I just felt loose as fuck. Don't think about anything and just scream into a mic and things can be better. We were there for six hours!
It was a cool little place. If you've ever seen Lost in Translation (aside: If you haven't, wtf??), then it was one of those little private rooms like they use in that movie. Just you and your pals and a few buckets of beers (not for me) and six hours of kick-ass tunes. It was funny when we walked in because it was in Chinatown and the whole lobby was packed with all these fashionable Korean kids and they were blasting like hardcore gangsta rap and there were all these murals of rappers on the wall and shit. I was cracking up immediately! Seriously...best.time.ever.
Here's some pics because I don't wanna talk about diet shit anymore right now and I'm looking forward, dudes.
^ It took about six beers to actually get Jeff off the couch to start singing, but once he was up there, you practically had to wrestle the mic away from him. He kept picking all these 80s hair ballads because I think he thought it would make me happy, so that was pretty cute :)
^ The whole gang in front of the fucking rad Biggie and 2Pac wall, haha! I seriously want all my bedroom walls to look like this forever. Starting now.
^Kickin' it with Pac who had some really nice round titties in this painting.
^ Had to give seperate-but-equal love to Biggie so as to not reignite that whole West Coast/East Coast rivalry, you know? I was trying to explain to Angel that it was funny that they spelled it Big-E because that was like, so wrong. She just walked away. Also, you may notice that the wall to your right features Dina's favorite rapper S and oop.
^ I can't NOT do this shit. I know it's rude, but they left the chalk there, so it's really not my fault.
^ I just have to say that the room was like 400 degrees. You would leave the room to go pee or something and it's like cold as ice in the hallway, but then you'd open the door to get back in our room and the scent of just hot sweaty monkey sex would hit you right in the face. It was like walking into a sauna...full of ass cracks. I dunno what was up with that. Prolly some tactic to get you to buy more beer or something?
^ The place was awesome because the cool Asian waiter kept bringing in all this free shit for us. Cheesesticks, fries, shrimp and then these fancy birthday shots! I dunno what kinda shot it was but it was mighty tasty AND the only thing I ate or drank all night aside from like 12 bottles of free water. As a general rule, if an attractive Asian gentleman ever hands you a shot glass full of creamy liquid, just drink it. I saw that in a movie once...
^ The girls singing REO Speedwagon to Danny because he hates them with a fiery passion and we are really all assholes. Plus...they rule. I don't care what you say.
^ In keeping with the WAITER PICS! theme. This dude's name was "Kevin." He was cool and told me to "get all your American friends home safe so you can come back again!" Aye-aye, sir.Good times, dudes. If I could spend all my time out and about and doing fun shit, I so wouldn't have a weight problem. I think I sweated off about 3 pounds in that karaoke room, but then we g0t 4am Jack in the Box on the way home, which is ALWAYS a great idea, obviously. Let's eat a bunch of curly fries and fall asleep.
Ugh.
I'll be okay. I'll get it together. Everything will be good again, you'll see.
14 comments:
It looks like you had an awesome time! I'm jealous of all the fun!
I'm glad you're back. I missed you and your funnies.
t, i feel like i could have written this post, (well, aside from the tokyo-style karaoke, east-coast, west-coast rivalry and creamy shots...). what is going on?! we were both doing so well, and now . . . wtf? i've also been a pitiful, non-stop crying mess of late, finding it so hard to drag myself out of this shit spiral. i've been avoiding everything and everyone so that they don't have to look at my miserable mug. we have to break the cycle before we ruin all of our hard work, k? xo
I'm glad you're back too :) Big-E?? wow, ok... looks like you had some fun, and 4 am fries sound SO GOOD right now, except..it's really 9 am and I don't think anyone's making fries yet. Hmm. Don't worry about stuff, every day is a new day. I know I sound all tree hugger hippie shit, but it's true. Plus my mom was a hippie so I can't help it. Glad you had a good time :)
Sounds like fun! Try to get back on track with the diet though. It's a mental game and I GET that some weeks it just isn't going to happen but don't let it escape your brain for too long. Stay positive!!
OK, first? "Kevin" is way too cute. He could have handed me a raw bull's testicle and I would have slurped it right down!
Second; the self-hate thing comes, and it goes. It sucks to deal with (if you read my posts you can see that I deal with it 24/7/365), but the best thing to do is what you are doing. Find a fun way to stop thinking about it, and when it ebbs jump on the positive track and pick up where you left off and continue forward. Getting a good therapist is an excellent idea.
YOU GO GIRL!!!
looks like fun.. sometimes you just have to kick your feet up
I've been in a self loathing phase as well.. it sucks!
Sounds like you had a great time with karaoke.. I'm too much of a chicken shit to do it... I'm a TERRIBLE singer... eek!
Party on Wayne!
Good things...
I love the "Big-E" and Tupac murals! That is a claaaasssssy place!
Also, Kevin IS cute if you're into the guys with bangs. Which I kinda am. And the bf is bald soo...Aww.
You can do this, Tricia. I know it sounds corny, but believe in yourself and leave the rest of the bs in the past. Tomorrow's a new day!
Looks like a fun night - I thought the same thing - Tupac had some nice moobage going on in that mural!
I hope you are having a better week with the "d" word - and yeah, getting another therapist to hate (lol) is probably a good idea.
I couldve written the first part of this post, and I wish I was THERE for the second part!
Isnt it bizarre when your own mind seems like there should be a team of scientists trying to decipher it because its just THAT wacked?
Anyhoo....you'll get back to it. Take tomorrow and make a fresh start, one good choice leads to another and before you know it you're back in the kicking arse mode. It doesnt mean we wont slip back into the suck down everything in sight mode, ever again, but...I guess its the nature of the beast! Fucking beast!
love ya tricia
Everything better be okay again because you are far too awesome of a person to not lead a great life.
Hey, leaving you something on my blog. It'll be there shortly. :)
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