So...I like to read on the toilet. I'm pretty sure my colon doesn't even know how to start without a magazine or book or AT THE VERY LEAST, an emergency shampoo bottle in my hand. It's kinda weird though because I don't like to hang out in the bathroom. So it's not usually a very long read. I've bookmarked a page, then bookmarked that SAME page three sentences later and thought that was totally normal. To be continued, dudes.
The thing I'm turlet-reading right now is the Dr Atkins Diet Revolution book. Boy, talk about your boring reads! But it's creating problems.
As you may or may not know, my diet is literally, and figuratively, in the toilet. I'm going through my summer slump. It's all hot and gross outside and the last thing I wanna do when I get home from work is cook some meat-product and then eat it. Atkins is more winter-y, for sure.
Plus, some nights it's just TOO awful to cook. If I wanna have a big-ass fruit salad instead of a pound of steak, my brain says to me "that's okay!" But Dr Atkins is all "NO FRUIT, YOU DUMMY!" ARGH! And to be honest, the thought of going all summer without a giant bowl of watermelon or some grilled corn on the cob or even a Crystal Lite Slurpee makes me wanna dieeeeeee. So I think about it and I'm like "okay, well I'll go back to counting calories, because it still works and at least I can have frozen yogurt or a peach, you know?"
But then I have to poo. Which means I have to read more of Dr Atkins telling me he's going to CURE MY DIABEETUS just by making me eat pork chops. Seems so easy! I wanna cure diabetes too, Doc! Then I think "He's right, I gotta do this!" OH CONUNDRUMS.
So in the meantime, I do nothing. I do...everything. I do like a large Coca Cola/Wild Cherry Slurpee and a Choco Taco for lunch. Then we get pizza for dinner. Then I'm all "man, this scale must be broke..." Because denial is the new black. And it's too hot to wear black in the summertime, so I need to get over this shit, PRONTO.
Also, I dunno what in the hell is going on with Janell but she's got me all worried, and I sure hope she's okay! BE OKAY. Maybe if you're one of those faith-based types, you can say something nice about her in your closing ceremonies tonight. Also, be okay. Thanks.