Monday, March 14, 2011

Why I'll Never Be a Famous Socialite.

I've never been much of a "party girl." Aside from my ever-so-dangerous love of cupcakes and balloons, my partying has always been rather tame. I'm usually the designated driver, even on my own birthday most years. And I'm not about to get all preachy here and go into a "don't be such a sloppy drunk" lecture...because we all have our demons. But I think last night I really understood why I can never fully relax and have a good time when I'm out.

We all know I have my insecurities, and they pretty much rule my life. Not by choice, but what are you gonna do, right? I don't let them fully turn me into a hermit as is exhibited by the fact that I did go out on Saturday night. Me and a bunch o' pals gathered up to hit some bars and listen to some bands at our favorite local casino, and for the most part, it was pretty fun.

That is, until one drunk-ass Angel, one of the said pals, decided we needed to go to a "classier" bar. You know those bars...they're full of trendy douchebags spending nine dollars for a shot of Jaeger and sucking on a hookah with six more frat boys who look at me like I just farted in their mouth because I dared to walk past their eyeline in all my fat glory. I don't know if you guys know this, but the Las Vegas nightlife is not very fat-friendly. Girls wear six inch heels and half a shimmery pillowcase for a dress and everyone's stumbling around and giggling. It's no place for a girl like me!

After about seven billion looks of disgust (i.e. 2 minutes in there), I said I couldn't take it anymore and that I was going back to the bar we just left to go watch fat guys play beer pong where I feel more at home. Angel stayed. An hour later, her boyfriend is literally dragging her ass back over to where we were. I dunno what happened in that hour. I can only assume the nine dollars you pay for the shot comes with a tab of Rohypnol because this bitch was OUT. He put her in a chair and tried to get her to wake up since I was their ride home and I wasn't ready to go. Needless to say, no one explained to me that she was like, legally dead at the fucking table. So, obviously, we had to go.

I had a point here. OH YEAH...so this fucking dude who is her boyfriend this week, like hefted her ass up in his arms and just fucking carried her allllllllll the way outta the casino, out to the parking lot, out to the car, laid her head down gently in the backseat and like got in next to her to cradle her head while I chauffered their asses home. Um...THAT is why I can never be that drunk. Sure, it's all The Bodyguard/An Officer and a Gentleman when it's involving some 98 pound chick like Angel. But if my big ass was to ever fall out like that in a public place, I have a feeling I'd either be sleeping it off on some dirty-ass casino carpet or someone would just like push me into a corner and put a broom handle under my chins or something so I could look like I was still partying Bernie-style. I COULD NEVER LET MYSELF HAVE THAT MUCH FUN (?) BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF A SLOPPY MESSY DRUNK FATTIE. Period.

Like, in theory, I wanna think that no one wants to take care of some slopped out chick/guy EVER...but I dunno. This dude seemed like happy and proud. Captain Save-A-Ho strikes again. Like it's endearing to take care of someone like that because she's so tiny and needy...like a baby bird or something. I just...don't get it. Like all bitterness and jealousy aside, I seriously don't get it.

Anyway, it's not like I'm saying I wanna be thin and attractive so society will be okay with me getting fall-over drunk. I'm just saying...Chris Farley is dead and Charlie Sheen still walks amongst the living. Discuss.

19 comments:

Tantra Flower said...

I love reading you so much. Aside from your impeccable grammar, you're just a damn good storyteller. Maybe one of the best I've ever read. You should write books.

Yeah, I don't get it either. He should be pissed that she'd put herself in that position, but because she's petite it's so adorable and he gets to be the big man. Makes me want to barf.

A couple of weeks ago I fell in front of my house and landed right on the back of my head. My mom (who had to move in with me recently) called 911 and all I could think is "no, now they're going to have to carry me on that stretcher." There is little more terrifying to a chubby girl than the prospect of having to be lifted. I'm still having flashbacks.

Your story just goes to show that class and poise have nothing to do with size at all. You showed more of it than those other people combined, imho.

bbubblyb said...

You just make me laugh. What a great tale and really I don't want to be the drunk or the witness either way I feel embarrassed so I definitely getcha on this one. Hmm the guy thing, from things I've heard this girl was pretty lucky the guy that brought her took her home. I've heard stories of a whole group of men taking a drunk woman home like that, ekkk. In 15 yrs I've had one drunk episode and I will never live it down with hubby EVER lol. He's like a woman telling that story again and again lol. Glad you had an ok time at the first bar at least. I love watching the down to earth folks drink, a lot more fun.

Results Not Typical Girl said...

if it were a silvery king size sheet? i could make that dress my bitch.

smooches - k

wedding said...

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Welcome back. Wonderful photos, wonderful story. So glad you could be there.

Mimi said...

tbh even though i get where you are coming from, you sound REALLY bitter towards your friend which seems to veer on the edge of frenemies. Even though I get that you were frustrated and maybe a tad bit jealous i think you should really look at your feelings towards your friend and see if it's healthy. There's always a bit of truth in words even when one is angry. calling her boyfriend captain save-a-hoe just seems a bit much.

Hopefully this isn't taken the wrong way but I just had to say something since everyone else seems to think it's funny.

Janell said...

That was freaking hysterical and also sad. And why why don't we fatties take care of ourselves? I don't want some sappy ass little man propping up my chins. I want to be strong enough to be the person saving my own ass. You save yours too. Dammit.
Great freakin post. FuhKnee.
But still, sad.

hopefulandfree said...

I used to wish i could be skinny because then i could go insane and get actual compassionate treatment, like the angelina jolie character and her tiny sidekick in the movie. Imagine if they were both fat, or one was fat and the other thin. Then the story would be all about the icky fatness of one and/or the other, not about their tragic lives and daring attempts to survive. Seriously. Sometimes being fat forces a person to hold things together, to be stronger than you otherwise might become because, you're correct, few people will see beyond the fat, see beyond blaming everything on the fat too, to feel empathy for the person and to want to help them (other than attempt to get them thinner). Even many fat people cringe about other people's fatness.

But. Not. All. People. Are. Like. That.

Some of us have actually become enlightened and realize that the value of human beings has nothing to do with our size or weight. Popular culture is always gonna reflect the worst within humanity, our ugliest impulses to divide and conquer, to create a hierarchery of value. But there is far more to this world than popular culture reveals. If you always use that cultural lens to see the world, that fascinating yet creepy and distorted lens BTW, you will miss a million other perspectives that will--each so lovely and unique--take your breath away then fill you with life's awesome power.

Katy said...

You just put into words the things I've been feeling for years. I never really thought about why I never ever get sloppy drunk. Not that I have this burning desire to do so, but I just always keep it in serious check. I think hopefulandfree put it perfectly when she said sometimes being fat forces a person to hold things together , to be stronger than you otherwise might be. WOW WOW WOW. That's like exactaly what I feel.

Tricia, this just might be my favorite post of yours. I have lots to think about now. Except Charlie Sheen.

fatty blogsticks said...

hey tricia, it's been a while. so good to read your posts again. you're an awesomely thought-provoking writer and chris-farley-kicking-it-as-the-best-chippendale-in-the-world-hilarious. x

411 Gurl said...

almost a year ago you said this to me: Hey girl. I'm glad you're not giving up. You deserve to be healthy...physically and mentally. And you're right, this isn't an instrument to entertain other people but to get to know the real you. A lot comes out in writing that you aren't able to say out loud. Well, for me anyway. Sometimes my fingers type something and I think "man, I wasn't even thinking that." It's crazy, but it works. Use the tools available to you and don't let a setbeck hold you back anymore. We're moving forward. DO THIS WITH ME. I'LL HOLD YOUR HAND.

sara said...

that 'i'm fat fuck off' card below is brilliant. and the fact your blog is still here makes me so pleased. i had pre-wedding blog almost 2 years ago and now i've fattened up to over 350 lbs and started a new one. please say hi sometime, and post more. i have to catch up on the past year of your spotty posts...sara

Dina said...

Hey Mimi, if she's so awful and bitter, I have a great solution! Don't fucking read! Jesus.

hopefulandfree said...

Just checking back to say I miss your POV on the world. It is one of a kind. And so are you. I hope you are doing okay. Okay is good. Sorry for rambling now. You're a great writer and I would read your stuff on whatever subject. Few people can put their voice on the page (screen?) like you can. Or any solid voice, for that matter. You have the power to connect with people through writing. That's rare. I hope you can see that fact and believe it.

The Landlord said...

come back :(

Anonymous said...

You really are a good storyteller; perhaps you should write a book? :D

Anyways I just randomly stumbled on this blog, and it's quite witty and honest... I hope you are doing well and will return soon my dear :)

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Janell said...

Wow, that last comment is priceless about the dresses. Guess that means I could ask for your hand in marriage.
Well???

Anne H said...

Janell - there's a line to get to her, my dear!

Anonymous said...

Alriiiiiiight! Happy you're "back" on a semi-regular basis. The skinny chick abuses her body with alcohol and you abuse yours with food. Everyone picks their poison. You've got an entire blogging community bolstering you when you stumble. She's got a boyfriend. Try not to waste much-needed energy being jealous. You two are both outta control, in your own ways. At least you're keenly aware of your issues and in a better position to address them.

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