Friday, June 24, 2011

Time is an illusion.

How the fuck is it already almost July??

This was supposed to be MY year. The year I finally got all my shit together and stopped wasting my life being fat and miserable. That was supposed to start in January. Now it's June. I'm fatter than ever. More miserable than ever. Pissed off and depressed. Just...mad at myself.

Being mad isn't very constructive though. It never changed anything before and it's probably not gonna start changing things now. So I'm trying to be proactive about this shitty feeling about life that I've had lately.

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in six months. I ran out of all those anti-depressants he put me on like a month ago, but he wouldn't refill them until I came in to see him. But since I have that $3,000 deductible this year (Seriously, what is the point??), I had to put it off for a while. You know how they tell you not to suddenly stop taking antidepressants? Turns out they're actually telling you that for a reason! Holy shit, I've totally been so down on life. I never wanna leave my house and I don't want people around and I don't wanna do ANYTHING and I just turned into a fucking asshole in like...a week.

Was I like that before drugs? I don't even remember. Maybe it was worse because I found out what it felt like to be semi-happy, then it all went away like some weird backwards fairy tale or something. All I know sucked. Gimme those damn pills.

My awful. I'm winded walking from my car to my apartment, and if you'll remember, I live on the first floor. I feel like shit all the time. I've been watching all these shows on Netflix and YouTube about like the moment you die and what happens to your body when you're actually legitimately dying. I have this weird morbid fascination that I'm constantly about to take my last breath. I don't even know what the fuck that is about unless it's some scare tactic I'm trying to use to convince myself to make a diet last more than 4 hours. So hasn't worked.

Long story short (too late!), July will be December and I'll either still be fucking around or I can just start now. I got the pills, I got the healthy food, I got the will to live...I guess I'm out of excuses. Wish me luck?


HopeFool said...

Good luck and I missed you.

I have been in the pit you feel like you're in. And during those times, when people tell me stuff like "you can do it", sometimes I wanna punch them in the throat.

So, I'm sorry to have to tell you that you can do it, but you CAN do it. YOU can do it.

arielcircleofnine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
arielcircleofnine said...

Good luck and I REALLY missed you too...I did a double-take when I saw you'd posted. Im glad you're deciding to start now, and Im gonna have to tell you that you can do it too. And also I believe that once you begin making all the little changes that you will feel better in lots of ways fairly quickly, at least Im hoping cuz that down feeling blows chunks. Big hugs for you, as sappy as that sounds. I just luv me some Tricia!!!
I had to delete and repost due to helatious typos. And the word helatious is also a typo...but too bad :-D

midlife_swimmer said...

get in the water and play with your friends... play volleyball, pool basketball, aqua exercise, swim with floats and noodles, tread water, water jog with noodles NO IMPACT. I swear in a place as freakin hot as where you live, you need a summer sport that cools you off and takes the weight off. You will feel like it's fun and doesn't injure you there, trust me, I know I have been there at 5ft2 and 387 for over 20 years. I had about all I could take and it hurt to be me... especially my lower joints, take the weight off, cool down and go swim chick... you will find your inner athlete.

Amanda said...

I'm so glad to see you posting again. You're truly a breath of fresh air.

Hang in there.

bbubblyb said...

Good to see a post from you. I say see the shrink as often as you can it will help. Good luck and look forward to more post from you soon.

Anonymous said...

I have been there myself with the head meds. It totally sucks!

From personal expererience, I know it can be done. It is not easy but it is worth it. I also thought it would come off quicker but you get out of it what you put into it.

--Katie J

You have time on your side Tricia! It only gets harder as you get older. I wish I had not wasted years on feeling like shit! You can't go back and change it but you can certainly change the future. YOU CAN DO THIS! Will you be 100%? Probably not but the point is just making small changes and they amount to big changes over time.

Anne H said...

Hi there -
Your writing is a crisp as ever!
That's a good sign!
I think things take a while to turn around.
We'd all be no worse off if we learned that!

Anonymous said...

Hi Tricia - I don't pretend to have all the answers, but a book that I read that has had a big influence on my eating is called "Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It" by Gary Taubes. I hope you find the peace you deserve. And, I know part of this is the slogan for L'Oreal, but keep trying, because you're worth it (as evidenced by this fantastic blog that I look forward to reading).

staskym said...

Missed you, i have been in the same funk my husband out of desperation pretty much bitches at me everyday to go bike ridding with him and the kids and the Dr has up my drugs and i do feel better, so just hang on to your panties and go for it with a vengeance its slow go but i am sure the end of the tunnel is near

WonderLori said...

Hey there! Good to see your post! I'm not on any drugs but I totally know the feeling. I've wondered about waking up in the morning. I was watching something (geeky) on Netflix and the characters were walking through a field and I thought to myself, I wonder if I could make it across that field? And they were just strolling!

So, yeah. I feel you. Keep on blogging and I'll keep on reading. I'll even do my darnedest to say upbeat, encouraging things. If'n you want, you can read my new blog at I deleted the other one so it wouldn't be a constant reminder of failure.

Keep going! One step at a time! You can do it!!!

Anonymous said...

Wishing you strength and good luck. I also wish you would post more frequently, but whatever works for you my dear- I hope for nothing but the best in your weight loss. Please don't give up! xoxo

Tully said...

Really happy to see you blogging again. There are still 6 months of this year, so still time to end the year on a good note. I need to do the same thing... Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I fucking LOVE your blog, you are such a funny witty snarky writer. Post more often, please. It makes me feel less alone:)

Janell said...

I love that you are writing and breathing.
They go together like birds of a feather.

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back!!!

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