Saturday, November 7, 2009

I got a new phone too!

I got up to 200 followers somehow, and that's awesome. If I could lose pounds as successfully as I gain followers, I'd be one hot bitch right about now. Unfortunately that ain't the way it works, but it's still awesome that so many people care about my story and show up to read it even when it drags ass like it has been lately. Sorry about the draggin, but stick with me, kids! Things will get better.

As for now, I have this stupid whatever is going around. Doc said it's just a sinus infection but it's still pretty sucky. I feel like a phlegm factory and I realized that it's impossible to hide your triple chins in a coughing fit. The coughing is the worst! Plus I hate the way it sounds, all dry and hacky. I need a sexier cough sound.

The doctor told me to stay home from work on Thursday and that sounded like some advice I could get behind. But I ended up going to like 3 Targets instead and then going to the movies. We went to see that MJ movie. It was pretty good, but hard for me to enjoy because of these drunk assholes sitting like 3 rows behind us. They were having like a swear-off match turned up to 11 and they would not fucking shut up EVER. Look, I'm not gonna be all preachy about people swearing because...well, yeah...but like, turn it down, you assholes. Then the one chick is like reading the subtitles out LOUD and singing along but with the wrong words and at all the wrong times and just being drunk and annoying.

I really wanted to get up and just be like CAN YOU SHUT YOUR DRUNK FUCKING MOUTH AND WATCH THE MOVIE?? But I ain't do that. First of all, because I have class and grace, like a modern day Grace Kelly, see? And secondly because I am a giant coward and I fear getting my ass kicked above all other fears in life, even ghosts! Yeah, I'm a pussy and I freely admit it. I mean, look at me, I'm soft! This body is not tuned for fighting, it's tuned for hugs and biting sarcasm. Plus God forbid, someone calls me a fat bitch in a room full of people and I have to down a bottle of Vicodin POST-HASTE.

So we just left for a later showing and I tattled to the manager. I doubt they did anything, but I can at least take comfort in the fact that all the other people in the movie are as pussy-ish as me since no one else said/did anything either. Drunk people are my biggest gripe about living in Las Vegas. I understand people come here to have a good time, but there are about 40,000 places where that kinda behavior is acceptable in this town, and about 4 where it isn't. One of the four obviously being a goddamn movie theater. I can only afford to go to the movies like once a fucking year these days, and it seems like there's always some beligerent jerk there to make sure it won't be worth the money.

Also, why are you THAT drunk at 4pm on a fucking Thursday? Something is wrong here. We all have our vices but fuck off, man. You don't pay ten bucks to watch me eat, so I don't wanna pay ten bucks to watch you be drunk.

Rant over.

Speaking of rants, pity has garnered me yet another prize in life! Fat Daddy is giving me his seat belt extender to take on my trip home in ONLY 3 WEEKS! (holy shit!) I'm excited about not having to ask for one, because it always takes a little of the wind outta my sails, you know? Plus then I'll send it off to someone to destroy when I get back. It's called Paying it Forward, I think Kevin Spacey invented it. Thanks, FD, you're A-OK in my book, sir.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Guns of Navarone

I'm kinda bummed now that Halloween is officially over. It's my favorite holiday and today I had to take down all my spooky cubicle decorations and send it back to bleaksville. It looks so boring and regular now! Hate it. Oh well, only 362 more days to go.

Halloween was really fun this year. I went out and had a good time and saw a good band and made some new friends and it was just good all over. We did the kiddie handing out candy thing for a while, then headed out to our trivia bar to see my favorite local band Darby O'Gill and the Little People.

(in their Batman gear...)

People at the bar were really receptive to my $2 costume. Apparently alcoholics really love Arby's. It garnered me many drunken high fives and it was nice to have people pointing and laughing at something other than my fatness for a change. If only everyday could be Halloween!

Fast forward about four hours and I am the only sober one left trying to corrall this motliest of crews into cabs or my backseat. It was a mess but worth it. I wonder if people look at me being rolled out of a Golden Corrall the same way I look at drunk people stumbling out of bars and into their cars. My guess is probably. Stupid honey butter rolls!

Speaking of drunkasses, this boyfriend of mine decided to puke alllll over the passenger side of my car on the way home. We were minutes away from home, it was a real heartbreaker! I think few things are as demeaning as having to sit in your own waste, be it poop or vomit, so I'm glad it was a short trip. It was all 0 to 60 on the pukemobile though. He went from "I don't feel so good" to "nah, i'll be okay" to "projectile vomitting" in the span of about 10 seconds. Gross, dude.

It was also like some weird comedy of errors because I was pulled over on the side of the road trying to get his ass outta the car and everytime I would unlock the door, he would lock it again thinking he was unlocking it, then getting all frustrated because he's holding in about 6 gallons of puke and we're playing red light-green light with the fucking lock switch. Very annoying. He swung the door open just in time to release a neon rainbow of Fat Tire all over my poor door panel.

I woke him up early the next day to clean the shit, because I literally couldn't. Everytime my fingers touch puke, I'm like Superfly TNT, dig? Yeah, puke begets puke and I can't deal, so he Resolved and Fabreezed the shit outta my car and I still get in there everytime like I'm trying to sniff out a bomb because if even the slightest hint remains, the car is pretty much unusable. So good-ish.

As for November, I'm supposed to kick ass this month so Pow Pow MFers.

Today woulda been my mom's 69th birthday. Sure wish she was still around. It's been almost eight years but I still miss her every day. Makes me sad. Happy Birthday, Mom!

But after today...more kicking ass.