Monday, March 30, 2009

Shoes never look cute in Size 10.

Alright, so last week sucked. But it's over. So let's move on, shall we?

I'm eating some blackberries. But they smell weird. Like...metal? I can't figure out if it's the berries or my hands. So I Purelled (verb) my hands and I still smell it. Whatever. I figure with all the junk I put in my body this weekend, a few metallic berries can't hurt. That would be a shitty way to go. Eating berries. OH SWEET IRONY! (iron...metal...don't read too much into this.)

The weekend was lazy and depressing. I ate a lot of junk and really only left the apartment to drop Jeff off at work and buy fried foods and Slurpees. I realize now that I only have one month left before we move. Which is great and awful. Great because I get outta my current shitty apartment. Awful because moving is such a pain in the ass especially if you are lazy, and in case any of you don't know me well enough to know this yet, I am lazy. So yeah, I gotta get on that. Like...nowish.

Sometimes when I'm at work hating life, I think "man, I really wish I could go home and start packing. I have so much to do!" Then I do finally get home and all I end up doing is watching reality TV all nite. Oh well. I have a plan to tackle the ever-growing pile of "clothes-that-don't-fit-anymore" in the corner of the room. It's grown to be quite monumental since Jeff started pitching into it too. I think the whole thing's just going to Goodwill. It's not the smartest idea, but it does work on the "I.don'" level, so yeah.

Jeff said he wants to start walking again at night. So I bought some new sneakers this weekend. My Converse have a big hole on the bottom and they're probably not the best for exercising anyway. We'll see how this all works out.

I'm teetering on a very thin line here because my birthday is in a couple weeks and I'm trying really hard to NOT give myself permission to wait until after my birthday to start dieting. I mean, two weeks is two weeks, and that's 14 days of either progress or bullshit. Plus, I don't wanna go all hog wild just because it's my birthday. I need to learn to celebrate conservatively. So I wanna head into that stupid Birthday/Easter weekend with the right kind of positive momentum and not eat like a whole cake and a crate of Cadbury Eggs. Wish me luck!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fat Stereotype #38.

It was bound to happen eventually...I broke a chair in public yesterday.


I went to my optometrist's office after work yesterday because my new glasses aren't as sharp as I think they should be and I only have a 30 day warranty to get them fixed. I went over to the assistant's table and she asked me to have a seat. I could already tell me and this chair weren't going to be friends because it was pretty narrow, and it had arms conveniently placed to cut right into my fattest section. In order to save awkwardness, I squeezed the back half of my ass in there and sat down as best I could. She took my glasses and said she'd be back shortly. I took that as my cue to try to find a way to fit my whole ass onto the chair seeing as how I'd probably be there for a while. So here I am trying to slyly scoot and push my way to the back of the chair when it happens...CRACK...sounded like a baseball bat breaking in half but no one even looked over in my direction.

Turns out the seat of the chair had pulled away from the arm. It seemed fixable enough so I just climbed my fat ass out and stood to assess the damage. I fixed it as best I could and pushed it like way outta the way and moved another chair up to the table. I felt like a guilty child trying to cover my ass after breaking something at my mean aunt's house. I also felt consumed by guilt as images of an elderly lady sitting in that chair tomorrow and breaking a hip on her inevitable trip to the floor forced their way into my brain. I hope that doesn't happen.

I mean, eventually someone's going to find out that the chair is broken. And inevitably, that assistant is gonna realize that I was the fattie trying to squeeze ten pounds of potatoes into a five pound bag...or chair. So, I should have just told them what I did. I should have just said "I'm sorry, this chair is broken." and it probably wouldn't have even been that big of a deal, but I didn't, and I couldn't, and still today, I feel like shit about it. I can't admit to shit. It's a big problem for me. It dates back decades, like being 5 years old and changing the sheets so no one would know I peed the bed at night. I never got caught, so no lesson learned. 25 years later, I wish I would have just got the ass whipping so I could move on.

In true "you're pathetic" fashion, I left that ordeal and buried it in a large pepperoni pizza. The whole thing. Well, I left one slice but only because the cat licked it. Man. I have no excuse.

I'm bummed. It's been a shitty week. I've felt fatter than ever. From the heavy breathing anytime I do ANYTHING, to having to struggle to get in and out of my tiny clown car (which isn't that tiny, by the way.) All the shit at work. All the times I fucked up on my diet. The generally shitty attitude I've had all week. I'm sick of it all. Needless to say, I'm glad it's Friday.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

No fraternizing with the help...

I don't really know what to update about today. I was gonna tell you guys about the dream I had last night about Chris Farley, but Dina says talking about dreams is lame, and being lame is my greatest fear so that's out. (I have to do this: "Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big Lame!") (Parenthetical P.S. - I bet if you guys don't watch The Simpsons, about 97% of this blog doesn't make sense to you. Soory about that.)

So since I got nothing good to say, I'll continue bitching about work. So...I guess I'm getting moved. Like, they're kicking me out of my cubicle where I've spent months accumulating odd desk decor, and making me move to a new the boss. The reason is that I guess I talk too much to the people around me. I can't help it, man. This place is fucking boring and I'm tethered to my desk with a goddamn headset so what is there for me to do once my work is done? Talk! I can't understand why a company wouldn't want their employees to be friendly with their co-workers. I don't get it.

They're trying to turn us all into little Stepford employees. Wear the matching blazers and high heel shoes. Put on this headset. Say THIS to the customers. Don't go on these websites. Don't talk to people who aren't customers. Sit there quietly until your next call comes in. Don't make such a goddamn mess when your head explodes.


In true giant baby form, I came in today with my ass on my shoulders about it and was like "OH THEY DON'T WANT ME TO TALK FINE I WON'T TALK WE'LL SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT WHEN I DON'T TALK AT ALL!" That lasted like...40 minutes. Man, eff that. They wanna move me, that's fine. I'm just gonna talk to those people over there now. They can keep moving me until I end up like Milton in the basement for all I care. If they take away the internet, I will quit though. For real, I will burn this place to the ground...

Oh yeah, also while I'm on a work rant, I should mention that a lot of the chicks up here are doing shots of Human Growth Hormone to lose weight now. It's really pissing me off because it's WORKING. I know I can't do it because I'm diabetic but it's like...shit. At first I didn't care because I thought it was gonna be some fluke and it'd pass and they'd all get fat again, but now that my best work buddy is doing it, it's like in my face all the time. She eats like her 3oz of broiled chicken breast and she's all "whew, I am stuffed." Meanwhile I'm like licking my soup bowl just to make sure no drop of broth escapes. I mean, am I the only one who thinks this is a weird way to lose weight? I dunno what to think anymore. The whole world's gone mad.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bears can smell their menstruation...

I'm in one of those "everything-is-pissing-me-off" funks right now. PMS...not helping.

Work...blech. Everyone's little personality quirks seem to be working together to keep me in a constant state of annoyance. Plus all the rules are really getting to me. The newest one is no cell phones in your work station (WHY?) and no food at the desks. That's really bumming me out because it's causing a definite crimp in my 5-small-meals-a-day plan. Theoretically, I guess that's what breaks are for, but by the time I make a meal/snack, there's no time left to eat it.

This job is so much like elementary school. It's like one bad kid ruins it for all of us. Someone brought in a fucking Steak n Eggs breakfast the other day and ate the whole thing at their desk. Never in my wildest dreams would I think it was okay to have a whole fucking steak at my between phone calls. Then it was stinky hard-boiled eggs the next day. C'mon people. Little Johnny made the whole office smell so now the whole class has to go without snack. Just a little common sense, is all I'm asking. Just a tiny teeny baby bit. Argh.

Then I found out that my friend in IT got fired yesterday which SUPERSUCKS not only because he was a funny cool dude but also because he hooked me up a lot when it came to computer-y business. Sucks. He got fired for watching a "questionable" SNL skit on YouTube while at work. Someone walked by and heard it and ratted him out and he was fired, like...immediately. To say it bothers me is putting it lightly. I am so tired of the over-sensitivity of some people. I mean, I will openly admit that it was stupid to watch something titled "J*zz in My Pants" at your freaking desk, yeah, that was dumb. BUT...I mean, it was censored, and it was on network television, so it's not like he was watching a porno or something here. I dunno, I mean, I just don't get the kinda people who would get someone fired at a time like this with zero remorse over a freaking video that they clearly could have just turned away from. We live in a country where we're fortunate enough to have the freedom to be able to say whatever we want, and the cost for that is that other people are free to say whatever they want too and some people just don't fucking get that. It really pisses me off, can you tell?

Anyway...yeah, not in the greatest of moods lately. I went to pub trivia last night which I thought would put me in a better mood but it ended up making it worst because we lost by one stupid point because I wrote the wrong last name for some dude and everyone had a goddamn tantrum. It does suck, but's a loud ass bar, it's hard enough to hear as it is. Oh well. I don't really care because the prize is a $50 beer tab and I don't even drink beer so what...ever. Jerks.

Jeff wanted In n Out Burger for dinner so I tried to order a sensibly as possible by just getting a burger, but by the time we got home I was so pissed off and crampy that I just took a bath and went to bed sans hamburger. So hey, at least I stayed within my points yesterday!

I stopped this morning to get oatmeal at Jamba Juice. If you haven't tried their oatmeal yet, you's great! It's steel-cut oats cooked in soymilk so it's not that powdery instant shit that they try to pass off at Starbucks as "perfect oatmeal." Plus, it has a fruit and brown sugar topping all for only 5 points. My favorite is the apple cinnamon, FYI.

Hope you're all having a better day than me and even though this is my blog and I'm free to bitch nonstop if I want, I really don't prefer these shitty whiney entries, so I'll try to cut this shit out soon. Bye :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

I found the camera. Deeeeeeeelete. It was in his freaking pants the whole time. The one place he knew I'd never look.

Today is a new day. I have a plan for dinner and I'm having my Kashi cereal at this very moment. Again, say it with me now, today is a new day.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Got a little captain in me...

Hmm, I did okay today until dinner. We had Long John Silver's. Sick! Man, I don't even like that place, so like wtf body? I dunno, before I knew what I was doing, I was in a drive thru ordering. Well, that's not true. I knew what I was doing. Sigh. I just wanted something cheap and fried to negate a day of romaine lettuce and blackberries. God, how am I ever gonna do this if I can't get past day one? What a total downer.

I think I get a high from fast food. I am giddy as shit WHILE I'm eating it. Then comes the regret. Just like crack. Or so I've been Suddenly I realize all the fried fish is gone and I'm left with that heartburny "WHY DID I DO THAT?" afterthough...and wondering where my TV went. Is it crass to say I think bulimics have it easy? Well...that's not true either. I truly do hate throwing up. Then again, I've never tried it for who knows? BULIMIA IS A SERIOUS CONDITION AND YOU ARE BEING A WHINY BITCH, TRICIA. Oh yeah. Sorry dudes.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up killing Jeff pretty soon. Tonight he was in the computer room playing cheesey songs at ear-splitting decibels. I ended up going to take a bath to get away from it. So like whatever, I'm in the bathtub and I got my blackhead-clearing face masque shit on and a song comes on that I know so I get into it. Okay, so maybe it's lame to be singing along to Wanted Dead or Alive like REALLY fucking loud in the bathtub, but I can't help who I am. Until I hear laughing and not only is he standing there laughing at me but he is recording it! VIOLATION! I'm chunking half-empty shampoo bottles at him at a feverish pace and nothing works so I had to get up and slam the door to make the madness stop.

I got my exersize ramsacking my apartment looking for the damn camera before I end up being the next fat kid YouTube sensation. I don't want my 15 minutes that way, people! Ugh. As soon as I find that camera, he is going down. I can't kill him yet because then I may never find it. Seriously, who would do that to someone they love? Well...I would do that. BUT this is me we're talking about, so it's totally unacceptable. I gotta find that goddamn camera. If you guys happen to see a pasty white blob in a bathtub putting Bon Jovi to shame, just sheild your eyes. LOOK AWAY! I'll be flying away to wherever they don't have internets and filing for common-law divorce.

I got a headache. I go seep now. Tomorrow will be better!

If any of you are having a hard time like me right now, I leave you with these three words:

You could be my fat Kate Moss tonite...

So much to my shagrin, the diet starts today.

It's obviously way past due, but whatever. People at work are used to my on-again-off-again dieting. Anytime they see me walking in Monday morning with a bag bulging with skim milk and fruit, they know it's on, baby. So today I get the "diet time again, eh?" from a dude in the breakroom that I don't even KNOW and I'm like..."am I that predictable?" He just had his little chuckle and got his coffee and left. Goddamn people.

It's gonna be a crappy day because I woke up with a toothache and a roomful of pot smoke. I hate when Jeff "bongs" it up while I'm trying to sleep. Could you find something louder to smoke your stinky pot in? No? Oh, okay, proceed then. It kinda pisses me off that I'm like tiptoe-ing my big ass around the bedroom every morning so as not to disturb his sleep but he just comes in from work at 4am and turns on the tv and lights up the bong like I don't have to be up in an hour. That shit just puts me in a terrible mood for the day.

Then they tell me when I get here that I gotta work late. Poooooooop!

Oh well, I'm gonna try to do my best to not turn to my 10am poptarts and 3pm M&Ms today. None of my clothes fit and I'm sick of the steering wheel rubbing ever so firmly against my belly when I drive.

The scale gave me the familiar "EE" this morning which means I'm too fat for it and I suspect stands for "EEK, get off me, bitch!" I plan on not weighing myself for a month. Only because I'll lose like a pretty good amount in week one, then like 0.8 in week two and I'll start thinking I need to change shit up and it'll turn into a disaster and three months from now I'll be all "well, I'm starting my diet today, you guys!" NO. Let's give it a month and see how it goes, and if it's no good, we'll try something else.

I really don't know what I'm doing. Let's just shoot for no white sugar/flour...and...less food, in general. Oh, and some walking couldn't hurt. Let's do dis.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I smell a deal...

I wanna take a trip.

I know what you're thinking. "Damn, this bitch just got back from a trip!" And yes, that may be true, but I need another one. I can't really afford this jet-setting lifestyle that I yearn for, but this trip is actually something I need to do to SAVE money. Kinda.

Here's the deal. As a native Texan, I generally fly Southwest Airlines. I know it has a reputation as the Fat-Haters Airline, but so far I've never had any trouble with them (besides having to suck-it-in for 3 hours), so I still use them pretty much exclusively. That means I'm also a member of their Rapid Rewards program, which means after eight round trips tickets, you get one free. Well, finally, I'm up to seven. SO...I need another credit. But I have to get it before 6/18/09 or else I'm screwed.

So like...the "respectful" thing to do would be just to take another short weekend trip home. But I dunno, those tickets are kinda pricey and I'm bored of the whole Las Vegas to Houston to Las Vegas thing. Need something new, baby. Plus, they have some pretty cheap-o flight options to places like California, Utah or Arizona. I know there's lots to do in places like those, but I don't really know anyone there, so I dunno.

I'm not really sure how the logistics would work. I mean, I'm not really one to go venture out to a strange new city all by my lonesome. On the other hand, I don't wanna have to take any days off work, so going with Jeff would mean him missing like half a paycheck to go with me. OH CONUNDRUM! I wish I had friends in this god-forsaken town who weren't attached at the hip to their spouse and kids. Sometimes I think I'm the only single 30something left in the world.

What do you guys think? Should I just go home? Know of anything fun and cheap and quick to do in CA, UT, or AZ? Should I just let my inner cheapskate die and give up on the chance of a free flight? WWJD?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What's Updawg?

People don't update as much as they used to. I check the dashboard thing like every half hour or so, and lately it hasn't been changing much and that makes me sad. Maybe I need to follow more blogs. If you have time today, leave me a comment with a few of your favorite blogs so I can check them out. I trust you guys!

So like, I'm sitting here in my little cubicle with the fan blowing in my face full speed because I feel like I am seconds away from a full-on vomit fest. I've felt like that since about 8:15 this morning. You know that feeling? Like your stomach feels all acidy and weird and like you get that salivating feeling in your mouth every couple minutes? That's usually a sure sign. Bleh.

I know why. Because I'm dumb. You wanna know why? I'll tell you. Because I eat things that I know are gonna make me sick. I know I'll feel all miserable, but I eat them anyway. It happens all the time. Keep doing it though? Why? Because I'm dumb. Ugh.

Last night I told Jeff we could go to this local BBQ place to get corned beef and cabbage since I didn't make it for him like I usually do. The problem was that I was all full of cupcakes and oreos from the freaking potluck so I wasn't all that hungry. BUT...I still ordered this massive 2-meat plate. I picked at it and ate a rib or two, then packed the rest up to go. Fine, that's not so bad. But then at like 11pm, I decide to just have at it. I ate the whole freaking thing. That's gotta be like a pound of meat. At freaking 11:00 at nite. Knowing fully well that I had to work today.

Obviously I slept for shit. So now I'm all tired and full of angry beef that wants out. On one hand, I wish it would just get out so I can feel better. On the other hand, I don't wanna puke at work! Yuck. I mean, i don't wanna do it at all, but especially at work.

Anyway, that's enough puke talk. No more fucking BBQ for me for a while. It always gives me the worst acid reflux, and now this! My own dumb fault, but still. BBQ is grounded until further notice.

Update your blogs!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Meet the Klumps...

In honor of St. Patric(ia)'s Day, here are some pictures of my very Irish Family. Well, my dad's german (figures), but my mom was definitely Irish, so that's close enough:
This is my oldest sister, Lisa. She's the "sensible" one. But in all seriousness, if you piss her off, she has a total psycho side. It doesn't take much to bring it out either. I love her, but I will admit that I've always been at least a little scared of her. She's 18 years older than me, but I outweigh her by probably a good 250 so I could prolly take her in a fight if I ever had to. HOPEFULLY it never comes to that, but it's always good to know, you know?

Next in line is my sister Linda. She's a career pothead. It's pretty crazy, I mean, I assume most people would get tired of pot after a few decades, but she's still Cheech-and-Chong'ing it after all these years. She did take a breif hiatus to smoke crack for a while, and we're all extremely glad that phase ended. She's the "fun/crazy" one. She speaks fluent spanish and only dates married men after a few busted abusive relationships. We Pilgrim girls...we sure know how to pick 'em.

This is my brother David. He's six years older than me and was a total bully jerk to me growing up until like ten years ago when I moved away to college then suddenly we were BFFs. He has the gout! (like DINA!) That's why he's always elevating that weird ass foot. That picture cracks me up plus you can see all my awesome old posters since we're hanging in my old bedroom. For the record, he ate all 24 of those oysters...raw...gross.

This is his wife. She don't like pictures...

Here's just a small sample of my neices/nephews/great neices/great nephews. I guess that's the weird advantage of having much older nieces and nephews already have kids of their own so there's no shortage of kiddos around. Also pictured here is the world's most annoying dog. This is what happens when you put me out in the sun for like an hour. My skin turns a sizzling pink hue. Later on after dinner, this kid asked me "WHY YOU SO BIG?" to which I replied "because I'm a grown-up, shorty." She was okay with that answer and skipped away...whew!

Me and the bro at an awesome Brazilian Steakhouse. Shit was TEH BOMB. It's a good thing I don't like around this place because I would be broke and my heart would be full of cholesterol. Well...brokeR and MORE full of cholesterol. OKAY? That's his cadillac out front. I think it's cool that he's into old cars and whatnot. He buys them cheap and fixes them up and sells them. They're always giant boats and they always have annoying characteristics like the windows won't roll down or the radio only gets one station and it's like spanish...I dunno, always something. This one was a dragger! Jeff was sitting in the back and everytime we hit a bump, it made a hellacious dragging sound. Just what fat people need, a car that can audibly complain about your fat ass.

My brother kept telling him to "sit light, Jeff!" To this day, I have no idea what that means.

Here's the family out to dinner. This is how they respond when I say "HEY GUYS LOOK OVER HERE!" That's my dad, the old dude there.

Saturday night, I came home to this sight. Seems that someone took the corner too hard and flipped their car over our fence. Picture my dad outside at midnight in his old man pajamas yelling to a cop and tow truck driver "NO ONE AIN'T MOVIN' THIS CAR TIL SOMEBODY FIXES MY GODDAMN FENCE!" Needless to say, my brother had banished him to the house by the time I got home. Nice. For the record, they did come fix the fence the next day. Also, this is like the 4th time this has happened, so yeah...location, location, location.

We had a "party" at my sister's house on Saturday so I could see my aunt and uncle but all kindsa weird shit went down. Either way, I got to see my cousin Tiffany. She's like all boobs and I'm all belly and chins and I ask you where, oh where, is the justice in this? Shit is wack. That's her husband in the background flat-out refusing to let the rabbit-ears era die.

Here's my uncle gettin' TORE UP in the hot tub, son. Nothing good happened after this. He kept drinking up all the rum and Linda decided "let's give him some Everclear, that'll slow him down." It slowed him down alright, to a screeching fucking halt. He fell over at least 4 times and had a real mouthful of mean shit to say to everyone once the floodgates were open. He also laid on the kitchen floor for a good half our blaming my recently-deceased niece for all the bad shit going on in his life lately. "THIS IS CRYSTAL'S FAULT! CRYSTAL DID THIS TO ME!...(x a million)" Shit was weird and obviously my sister did NOT find the humor in it. I dunno...what can I say? Don't give an old depressed man Everclear. Let that be a lesson to yous guys.

Speaking of Crystal, I put a giant Homer on her gravestone because it was OUR thing. We watched the very first episode of the Simpsons together and we even waited to see the movie until she came way over here to visit me. You may think it's a little cryptic to take a picture of a grave, but I dunno...I just miss her a lot and it was the first time I saw it.

So that's kinda my family. I know I talk a lot of noise about them, but I can do that because I lived through all these weird ass years with them and they all know I love them. So...yeah.

P.S. Looks like my Dad is getting in on that Carlos action with his new truck. File that under things I never needed to know...

Monday, March 16, 2009

I CRUSH-a you head.

I went to Sam's Club to find inspirado for my all-green-fruit-tray. That turned out to be a lame idea since the honeydew melons were expensive and the green grapes looked shitty. I ended up buying strawberries (not green) and a big ol' tub of Key Lime Cheesecake Filling (it's green!) Sounds like a real breakfast of champions to me. Oh well, from what I could see on the sign-up list, no one else really seemed to give a crap about the Green Theme, so whatevs. I always feel like I'm typing up those stupid memos and sending them out for no reason since everyone always just brings in chips and sodas anyway. I'm officially sick of potlucks...

Yeah, that's right. I'm that annoying bitch at your job who's always trying to get people to participate in work 'functions'. Ugh, it's okay, I annoy myself too. Fucking memos and clip art and shit. I wish my job was more kickass and less kissass. It's a fine line, baby.

Somedays stuff like this is all I do at work all day:

Those are called the good days...

It's been a bad day, can you tell?

This just in: I need jeans that fit.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

...and you're watching "Perspectives"

Today I laid in bed most of the day being a fat lump, but I kept thinking about how much energy I usually have once I start to drop some poundage. Thinking about losing weight is good because it means it's almost...DIET TIME. It's in the works anyway.

Lately I've been feeling so super shitty. I always do this to myself! I let my weight get to this level where every step feels like torture and then I'm all "hmm, maybe I should diet?" I still haven't flipped that magical switch in my brain that transforms "diet" to "lifestyle change" but I'm remaining optimistic that such a switch does exist and one day I'll find it. Maybe it's near the mythical G-Spot and I will kill two birds with one stone. Best.Day.Ever.

In other news, it's 4:17 in the AM and I'm awake.

P.S. Those pictures are all downloaded onto my work computer, so I'll repost that shit on Monday, if they don't give me a bunch of actual "work" to do.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Boo :(

I just typed up an entry with a bunch of pictures, but then it said there was a posting error and it all disappeared. Sigh. I guess it was a sign. No one really wants to see a bunch of boring vacation photos anyway!

Oh well, have a good weekend, friends.


We're having a St. Patrick's Day Potluck next Tuesday here at work. We're supposed to bring something green. Last year we ended up with guacamole, grapes, green apples, and a bunch of 2-liters of Mountain Dew. And green cupcakes, but I brought those. We're a real creative bunch, obviously.

Anyways, I was thinking I would make a fruit tray with all green fruits. QUICK! Name every green fruit you know! READY SET GO!

P.S. Watermelon doesn't count, cause normal people don't eat the green part.

P.S. again...Speaking of green things, here's a picture of me turning into the Hulk. I dunno how it happened...maybe tricky camera lighting effects...or someone made me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Now go name those green fruits....OR ELSE.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fat babies need the most love.

You know, until I was like 20, I didn't know I had a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I've always been fat, and I knew that. But I didn't really see it as a "problem", per se. Sure it sucked growing up fat, being called Fatty Patty (which to this day is why I won't even answer to Patty) and having no boyfriends in high school and missing out on just regular teenage stuff, but I just dealt with it as part of my life and moved on.

I never dieted. I ate what I wanted. My mom catered to my pickiness and let me get away with french fries as a primary vegetable. My dad tried to make me eat green beans once which ended in a plate of vomit, so that was the end of that. My life was chips and fried chicken and all the candy I could get my grubby mitts on. And I loved it.

I remember my mom taking me to a doctor once when I was like 8. I don't remember what I weighed, but I remember it was enough to make the doctor say "Oh honey. That's more than me!" Pfft. So? Skinny bitches always showing off! Anyway, my mom said that all her kids were fat, then they balanced out when they got older, which was a lie because my 14-year-old brother was still a tub at that time. Maybe she was just embarrassed about how big I was...I dunno. I remember leaving there and riding home with her in total silence and praying that she wasn't gonna do something drastic like put me on a diet. I really prayed for that.

She never mentioned it again. Maybe because putting me on a diet meant she'd have to be on one too and she didn't want that any more than I did. Of course, in hindsight, I wish she'd been more strict. Maybe she'd still be alive and I wouldn't be 400 freaking pounds.

Moving on, my first diet was at the age of 20. I was working at Bank One and me and some coworkers decided to try Atkins. Over the course of the next year, I lost 80 pounds. But this was my meal plan:

Breakfast: None
Lunch: None
3pm snack: One bag of Hot n Spicy Pork Rinds and a 20oz Diet Dr Pepper
Dinner: 40 chicken wings OR 1 pound of sliced brisket OR 1 whole rotisserie chicken

The only vegetable I ate was pickles. Lots of em.

But I was losing weight, so I still thought I was being pretty healthy. Once I lost some weight, oddly enough, I started making pals. The diet took a backseat to nights spent in bars drinking sugary shots and 3am pancake breakfasts. Needless to say, the weight started coming back. I gained 100 pounds over the next year. Suddenly I was fatter than ever and friendless again. Depressed. I tried several times over the next few months to get back on the Atkins bandwagon, but I always failed. I just didn't wanna do it anymore.

So I gave up on dieting again. I was back to being fat and "okay" with it. I met a guy and he was nice to me even though I was huge. What a concept.

Then I met his mom. She taught me about Weight Watchers and was really supportive of me getting healthy. With her help, I lost about 50 pounds. I don't even remember why I stopped, but of course I gained it all back plus more. Noticing a trend here? Since then, I've tried unsuccessfully to get back on plan. Promising Monday mornings that lead to disappointing Monday nights. I know it CAN work, it's just like...fuck...I don't wanna do it.

So now I'm here. Part of me is like "WW is a sensible plan, just do it." and the other part of me is like "Fuck points, dude." Ideally, I know that if I eat less and move more, I will probably lose weight. Do I need to count every calorie, every gram of fat? Probably. Because I lack a little something doctors like to call "self-control."

I gotta do something. Wild ideas run through my mind ranging from "only eat fruit for dinner!" to "wire your jaw shut!" I remember that Twilight Zone episode where the fat lady had special glasses made that makes all the food she's about to eat come to life and scream in terrified little voices "pleeeeeeeease don't eaaaaaaaat meeeee!" Where can I get those glasses?

This is long. I am fat. Need to diet. The end.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

You guys...

I found out why we're fat.

The answer is HERE.

P.S. Gross.

In case you guys were wondering...

This is my favorite picture from my trip home. I dunno why, but it cracks me up. It's just so weird and random. a matter of fact. As a matter of what fact, exactly? I need to know the question that preceded this answer.

It was at the flea market so since I'm figuring people at flea markets will do anything to make a buck, I'm all "hey, how much for the sign?" I just thought it would be an awesome thing to hang in my living room and have people come in all "WTFHamsters?" Anyway, she said $200! Bitch is crazy. I can make my own for that much and it would be way cooler too, with even more hamsters and at least twice the weird statements. So I just said "oh." and walked away and took a free picture and that was that. I's just hamsters. As a matter of fact.

Here's a picture of the hamsters she was selling for 6 bucks each. They're dwarves! They'll never get any bigger. I wondered what kind of person thought a regular-sized hamster was too big of a pet and decided they needed to be miniaturized? I dunno, but either way, I would be scared of losing these dang things in the couch cushions or in my mattress and finding a tiny skeleton sometime in the not-so-near future. That kinda shit would just ruin the whole day for me.

Now hamsters are one thing. But dwarf bunnies?? Now you're talking! Look how cute this freaking thing is and it will stay this cute forever until the day it dies or runs away!

I've often wished they made a cat that would stay small forever. I really loved our cat the first month or so but then it got older and meaner and it never wants to cuddle, it just wants to scratch and bite and have a pissy attitude. I'm not one of those people who will just toss aside an animal when it's done being cute, so me and this jerk are in it for the long haul, but if I could shrink him, rest assured, I would. And if I ever did discover the magic potion that shrinks animals, I would apply it liberally to my belly and chins and this world would be full of kickass things like Skinny Tricias and tiny cats.

I'm so bored at work today....

Ooh, I'm gonna go get my new glasses at lunch though. That's gonna be weird. In like an hour, I'm gonna have better vision. What a time to be alive!

In diet news: I need to get back on one. Post-haste.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I didn't even know Ethiopians had food...

One of the most notable things about Houston is the wierd contrast between segments of the city. You have a town that all at once offers you anywhere from trail rides to actual rocketships. I tried my best to keep Jeff in the segments that boast a keen sense of multiculturalism and a love for the arts. I think it worked out pretty well.

We went to some really great bookstores and I took him to Houston's biggest comic book shop (oh to love a nerd.) We had Indian, Brazilian and Ethiopian food, not to mention arguably the world's best BBQ. We went to the Continental Club and saw a rockabilly/swing/tejano/blues band called Umbrella man. That was a musical genre hybrid that I didn't even know existed, but it sounded pretty good live. We went to the Art Car Museum and saw how they turn what some might consider junk into awesome works of art. It was a lot of fun and I think I can say that Jeff left not only thinking he COULD one day live in Texas, but that he might actually even WANT there.

Then...on the other end of the spectrum, you have the places my dad likes to hang out. My dad's favorite place in town in a diner called City Cafe, or as I like to call it, the Land that Time Forgot. This place is a real dump. I mean, I can appreciate the whole retro look when it's done purposefully, but this ain't it. The people in there are as old as the dusty stuff on the walls. The regulation uniform of the people in there seems to be trucker cap, coveralls, and dirty boots OR orthopedic pick. I mean, whatever, old people need a place to go when they're too proud to settle for BINGO halls, but the thing that gets me is that you still hear things like "colored people" or "damn Messicans" coming out of their mouths. My dad is no exception. THESE are the jerks that make people think Texas is full of rednecks and racist assholes. It angers me.

How can one city harbor so many opposing views? Are all cities like this? I don't really know about Vegas because I mostly just stay in my little bubble, but I wonder if there are people here who still think their white skin entitles them to some kind of preferential treatment? It's embarrassing and even worse because my own dad is one of them. It's been the thing that's kept us at each other's throats for as long as I can remember. I dunno. I mean, at this point, I gave up on trying to change him, but it still weirds me out to have to go sit in these little hubs where people like him meet four times a day to sit around and drink iced tea and just say hateful things.

Oh well. I guess there's worst things than having a racist dad. Like him finding out how much you weigh, for instance. That sucked. Don't wanna talk about it, no thanks.

At least I'm not like him. And Jeff's not like him. That's enough for me for now. Gotta pick your battles.

So what does all this have to do with weight loss? Nothing, silly. I am a goddamn rebel.

How's your Tuesday?

Monday, March 9, 2009

No extra fees!

Well that week freaking flew by. I'm back in Vegas and although I'm glad to be away from the sticky smelly Texas heat, I do kinda wish I had a few more days to hang out because there was lots we didn't get to do. As for Jeff, things went well. He fixed my brother's computer and my dad seemed to hate him a little less than last time, so that was good.

My sisters were just my sisters. There's nothing else to really say about them. My sister Lisa told me I've changed and that "you used to a lot nicer." Whatever that means. I'm plenty nice, dammit.

There's lots to talk about. Just dumb little tidbits of activity that may or may not be interesting enough to delve into, but chances are I will anyway. Not tonight though. Alas, I have to be back at work in the morning (boo-urns!) and I can't seem to get enough sleep lately. I woke up at 3pm today. It was awesome. Some people have that part of their brain that tells them that sleeping past noon means you wasted your day. I shut that part up long ago and now I know a day spent sleeping is a day well spent.

So yeah, I took a few pictures and as I mentioned, I have a couple stories to tell, but I'll get around to that soon enough. For now, it's nice to be back to my comfy bed and free reign over the air conditioner. Hope everyone's been doing well. Talk to ya soon :)

Monday, March 2, 2009

In the aeroplane over the seaaaa...

I leave work in about an hour. All I can say is that it's been a hellacious day that so far has included me being over 90 minutes late and getting a written warning. Lame, dude.

I'm hoping the bad luck stops now and I'll have a nice trip with lots of funtimes and little to no ridicule and/or "extra fees."

I found out why it was so impossible to get a hotel room in Houston this week. Turns out the rodeo is in town. Talk about bad timing! Jeff already thinks Texas is nothing but cowboys and Republicans and now he's gonna be there in the thick of it during the worst possible time of the year. Oh well, at least I may get a funnel cake out of the deal.

Okay, well, I probably won't be around much for the next week, so you cats stay cool and as always, avoid the clap.