Saturday, June 26, 2010

In the Year 2000...

It's weird when you think about what life will be like when the kids in our lives are our age. I'm in my early 30s and I'm already struggling with technology. Yet, Jeff's 10 year old niece is on top of shit. Using your text signature to announce to all other bitches that Justin Bieber is YOURS, goddammit. Whoa, technology. Alls I know for that I'm backing the fuck off.

Meanwhile the clock in my car is never the right time...can't figure that shit out.

As far as life goes, I guess I'm going back to counting calories to see how that goes. Gotta do something, because all this doing nothing is killing me. Also, my new jeans are far too tight, but I refuse to go back to the old ones.

Breathing is overrated anyway. Better to be in tight jeans with a good plan than sweatpants with a bowl of ice cream. I think it says that in the Bible somewhere...

If not, it probably should.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sugarless Daddy.

This is my buddy, Jacob! Jacob is my friend Angel's youngest son and he's 10 years old. His hobbies include making paper airplanes and guns and collecting foil for his giant foil ball. At 18 months, Jacob was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and Cystic Fibrosis. Needless to say, life's not easy for him. He's just a kid, but he has a lot of shit to deal with every day.

On one hand, it sucks because he's a rough and tumble little dude, but he can't even have a juice box without a finger prick and a blood sample. I'm an adult and I can barely force myself to do that shit like once a day.

Being a diabetic myself, and having so many ties to kids and adults with diabetes, I was really happy to see YumYucky and The Anti-Jared making an effort to get us all involved in helping kids with Diabetes. It's a GREAT cause and I think you should get involved too! Donating ANY amount would REALLY help (even a dollar!) and hopefully there will be a cure for this pain-in-the-ass disease sometime soon. It's just not fair being a sick kid :(

Click here to donate!

Click here to lend your support to: YumJared Sugar Sweet Free Day! and make a donation at !

In other news, I'm using this Sugar-Free day as a catalyst to jump-start my weight loss efforts again. Been dealing with lots of self-hate and emo bullshit and I'm ready to start digging my way out. I have lots of shit to work on, but the least I can do is give up sugary nonsense for this ONE day. SOLIDARITY!

Sorry I haven't been blogging much. I don't like to blog about my sad days, even though it does usually garner me a TON of comments! Some days I just don't feel like sharing. I promise I'm working on it and hopefully I'll be back to posting some funtimes soon. Miss you guys!

Make it a great UNSWEET Wednesday, friends!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Talkin' bout my poos again.

So...I like to read on the toilet. I'm pretty sure my colon doesn't even know how to start without a magazine or book or AT THE VERY LEAST, an emergency shampoo bottle in my hand. It's kinda weird though because I don't like to hang out in the bathroom. So it's not usually a very long read. I've bookmarked a page, then bookmarked that SAME page three sentences later and thought that was totally normal. To be continued, dudes.

The thing I'm turlet-reading right now is the Dr Atkins Diet Revolution book. Boy, talk about your boring reads! But it's creating problems.

As you may or may not know, my diet is literally, and figuratively, in the toilet. I'm going through my summer slump. It's all hot and gross outside and the last thing I wanna do when I get home from work is cook some meat-product and then eat it. Atkins is more winter-y, for sure.

Plus, some nights it's just TOO awful to cook. If I wanna have a big-ass fruit salad instead of a pound of steak, my brain says to me "that's okay!" But Dr Atkins is all "NO FRUIT, YOU DUMMY!" ARGH! And to be honest, the thought of going all summer without a giant bowl of watermelon or some grilled corn on the cob or even a Crystal Lite Slurpee makes me wanna dieeeeeee. So I think about it and I'm like "okay, well I'll go back to counting calories, because it still works and at least I can have frozen yogurt or a peach, you know?"

But then I have to poo. Which means I have to read more of Dr Atkins telling me he's going to CURE MY DIABEETUS just by making me eat pork chops. Seems so easy! I wanna cure diabetes too, Doc! Then I think "He's right, I gotta do this!" OH CONUNDRUMS.

So in the meantime, I do nothing. I do...everything. I do like a large Coca Cola/Wild Cherry Slurpee and a Choco Taco for lunch. Then we get pizza for dinner. Then I'm all "man, this scale must be broke..." Because denial is the new black. And it's too hot to wear black in the summertime, so I need to get over this shit, PRONTO.

Also, I dunno what in the hell is going on with Janell but she's got me all worried, and I sure hope she's okay! BE OKAY. Maybe if you're one of those faith-based types, you can say something nice about her in your closing ceremonies tonight. Also, be okay. Thanks.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

If you don't know who it is, then it's probably you.

***Warning: I was mad when I wrote this.

You know, despite my often rough exterior, I'm actually pretty sensitive when it comes to my flab. Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy being reminded that it's there! I know it's there...I have to deal with it every minute of every day, so you're not doing me some huge favor by reminding me that everyone else can see it too.


Maybe I should explain. There's this Dane Cook joke, I's like, in every group of friends, there's that one asshole that everyone hates. Well our asshole is Jack's sister. She ALWAYS just shows up wherever he is and proceeds to bitch about EVERYTHING. It's really fucking annoying, but they're like a package deal, so everyone accepts it and deals with it.

But now she's like pregnant. It's this whole like dramatic situation, but needless to say her being pregnant has done real wonders in raising her already cunt-like attitude levels. SO...we're all chilling in Erica's backyard and it's like HOTTT...Las Vegas in the summertime, whodathunkit?? She gripes for like an hour about how hot it is which is already getting on my nerves. Then THIS happens:

Her: "Ugh, being pregnant in the summer fucking sucks."
Me: "'s hot."
Her: "It's already so hot, then I have to wear this fat suit all day!"
Me: ", dude."
Her: "I had already gained a few pounds before I got pregnant but nothing LIKE THIS, GOD!"
Me: "Yep..."
Her: "I dunno how you do it. Being THIS SIZE all the time!"
Me: *blink*
Her: "Like, don't you think it's too hot to stay so fat???"

Angel, seeing me there with my mouth gaping open like some fucking bass, swooped in and asked me to help her get a cooler out of her car. didn't even know WHAT to say! Am I fat? YES. Do I need you to fucking broadcast it to a backyard full of people?? NO! UGH, fucking bitch! Needless to say, it was a real fucking downer. I dealt with it in the totally adult way of avoiding her the rest of the day and eating a lot. Grr.

I mean, today, after I've had time to think about it...MAYBE she didn't mean it in some malicious way, but still, it's just fucking rude. It's not like when I'm on my period, I go up to her and say "SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DEAL WITH BEING A CUNT EVERYDAY BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING TO ME, DUDE!" Maybe I should.

I take the moral high ground because I'm either a weak bitch or because I think it's not worth alienating myself from the group. But man, I swear, sometimes I really just wanna punch her in her fat fucking pregnant mouth.

Am I being irrational?? Did I just take it the wrong way because I think she's an evil troll and I automatically assume everything she says is to be heard with an asshole-like undertone? I dunno. But now in the retelling, I'm pissed again.

I'm a nice person! I accept everyone for who they are, even annoying assholes. But fuck, stick a goddamn cork in it, you breeding whore. GRRRRRRRRR.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I never feel whiter than when I'm trying to rap.

I know it's been a week since I posted. I don't have a good excuse. I've been doing pretty crappy diet-wise. I'll let the shock of that soak in since I'm sure none of you were expecting to read that.

I'm really frustrated. Going though this whole why-do-I-hate-myself-so-much stage of my life right now. I don't think a single day passed in the last week where I didn't cry and have a pitiful breakdown. It was just a bad week. I dunno why I do this. I do well and I kick ass, then I let it slip and it makes me hate myself. I waste a lot of time hating myself and thinking I'm such a weak lazy bitch and then I hate myself even more for wasting time.

It sucks. I mean, most days I don't think I'm THAT awful. But then some days I'm just consumed by this rageful self-hate and I don't know how to shut it down. So it lingers and I just about give up on everything. Then one day I wake up and I'm over it for a little while. Needless to say, I have some fucked up shit inside my head and I don't know what to do with it. It doesn't seem to be going away on its own so it's time to start looking for a new therapist to hate.

In an attempt to get outta my head for a while, I went out with the gang to a karaoke bar for Jack's birthday. It was way more fun than anyone was expecting, I think. I didn't even drink but I just felt loose as fuck. Don't think about anything and just scream into a mic and things can be better. We were there for six hours!

It was a cool little place. If you've ever seen Lost in Translation (aside: If you haven't, wtf??), then it was one of those little private rooms like they use in that movie. Just you and your pals and a few buckets of beers (not for me) and six hours of kick-ass tunes. It was funny when we walked in because it was in Chinatown and the whole lobby was packed with all these fashionable Korean kids and they were blasting like hardcore gangsta rap and there were all these murals of rappers on the wall and shit. I was cracking up immediately!

Here's some pics because I don't wanna talk about diet shit anymore right now and I'm looking forward, dudes.

^ It took about six beers to actually get Jeff off the couch to start singing, but once he was up there, you practically had to wrestle the mic away from him. He kept picking all these 80s hair ballads because I think he thought it would make me happy, so that was pretty cute :)

^ The whole gang in front of the fucking rad Biggie and 2Pac wall, haha! I seriously want all my bedroom walls to look like this forever. Starting now.

^Kickin' it with Pac who had some really nice round titties in this painting.

^ Had to give seperate-but-equal love to Biggie so as to not reignite that whole West Coast/East Coast rivalry, you know? I was trying to explain to Angel that it was funny that they spelled it Big-E because that was like, so wrong. She just walked away. Also, you may notice that the wall to your right features Dina's favorite rapper S and oop.

^ I can't NOT do this shit. I know it's rude, but they left the chalk there, so it's really not my fault.

^ I just have to say that the room was like 400 degrees. You would leave the room to go pee or something and it's like cold as ice in the hallway, but then you'd open the door to get back in our room and the scent of just hot sweaty monkey sex would hit you right in the face. It was like walking into a sauna...full of ass cracks. I dunno what was up with that. Prolly some tactic to get you to buy more beer or something?

^ The place was awesome because the cool Asian waiter kept bringing in all this free shit for us. Cheesesticks, fries, shrimp and then these fancy birthday shots! I dunno what kinda shot it was but it was mighty tasty AND the only thing I ate or drank all night aside from like 12 bottles of free water. As a general rule, if an attractive Asian gentleman ever hands you a shot glass full of creamy liquid, just drink it. I saw that in a movie once...

^ The girls singing REO Speedwagon to Danny because he hates them with a fiery passion and we are really all assholes. Plus...they rule. I don't care what you say.

^ In keeping with the WAITER PICS! theme. This dude's name was "Kevin." He was cool and told me to "get all your American friends home safe so you can come back again!" Aye-aye, sir.

Good times, dudes. If I could spend all my time out and about and doing fun shit, I so wouldn't have a weight problem. I think I sweated off about 3 pounds in that karaoke room, but then we g0t 4am Jack in the Box on the way home, which is ALWAYS a great idea, obviously. Let's eat a bunch of curly fries and fall asleep.


I'll be okay. I'll get it together. Everything will be good again, you'll see.

Monday, June 7, 2010

"Excuse me, is there a costume shop in this town?" "no."

So Utah was pretty boring. Not that I went there to have a grand ol' time or anything seeing as how the primary reason for the trip was a FUNERAL and all. (Can't spell funeral without fun!...bad joke!)

Um, here's something: So I probably told about 400 people that I was going to St George for a funeral and most of the reactions ranged from "Utah? That place sucks!" to "Utah? It's real pretty up there." HOWEVER, of those 400 people, you would think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, ONE of them would have bothered to tell me that like, Utah is in a different fucking time zone! But no...nuh uh. No mention of that shit.

So we pull into town around 9:08 and decide we have plenty of time to burn before the 10:00 service. We stop at a truck stop and go in to like get legit. Put on mascara and lipstick, make sure your nipples aren't cross-eyed, the whole drill, you know? We're killing time trying on trucker hats and like watching people buy hot dogs because those are fun things to do in Utah.

We get back to the car and I decide on a whim to check out Twitter since I AM BORED. Hold up a sec, why does my cell phone say 10:24?? The lightbulb goes off. OH MAN FUCK IS UTAH A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE FUCK FUCK FUCK LETS GO! So we went. LATE. So late. Like, a good half hour late. And I feel bad because I'm standing around laughing about a dude who put mayo on his hot dog (GROSS!) while my boss is up there like delivering her mom's eulogy. Classic Tricia.

We explained what happened and it was kinda good because when you're in a lot of pain and grief, it's good to have your friends around to do DUMB shit to make you laugh. I think she was happy to see us, despite our bonehead moves. I know when my mom died, I was so glad when my friends from work showed up. Sometimes you just need a laugh amongst all the tears.

Plus, Utah had an Avenue Outlet store! I bought a swimsuit that didn't really fit but I thought it looked "okay enough" considering it was like, half off. The price. And off me, seeing as how when I sat down, the shirt part kept rolling up my belly like the opposite of an old lady's knee-high stocking. Ugh, sausage casing. Prolly end up returning it. That'll make three swimsuits I bought and returned in the past month! Why do dressing rooms put me in a daze that makes me think buying something too small is a good idea?? Ugh...clothes.

Anyway yeah, Utah...well, it's no California, that's for sure. I barely even took any pictures! And you guys know I will take pictures of anything! There was a Cracker Barrel though, so I can't bitch TOO much.

Here's like the THREE pictures I took while I was there:

^ Here's some weird plane we found when we got lost trying to find the Farmer's Market at 11:45. It closed at noon. Alas, no fruit for me! The road just like...ended. And there were some planes. I dunno what the hell was up with that. As you can see, I didn't even bother getting out of the car for this picture. It was hot and humid and I just wanted peaches!

^ I took this picture because this was a big-ass church. You don't see a lot of those here in Sin City. We have churches, but they're not all pristine and white and HUGE. There was this church that was being built here like a year ago and they had this big billboard on the land that said "COMING SOON: YADA YADA CHURCH! MAKING GOD A CELEBRITY!" and I thought that was a weird approach for a church. God is not a Jonas Brother, contrary to what Tammy may believe. It reminded me of Hamlet 2. You should watch that, it's pretty funny. Anyway, I don't wanna get into a whole "I DONT KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE LEAVE ME ALONE, DAD!" monologue here, but I'll just say this was a pretty building, so I took a picture of it. Also, let gay people get married. The end.

^ The last picture I took was of this sign I saw for a restaurant you'll be happy to know I did NOT go to. I think it's weird it's a buffet called with the name CHUCK in it. As in UPchuck? Cause that's how I usually feel when I leave a buffet. All upchuck-y. The A-Rama only made me think even more that it was a pukefest. But most importantly, it really made me miss CHUCK! OH CHUCK, where are you?? Come home! Mommy misses you! I always secretly hope when I check my mail (which I haven't done in almost 2 weeks!), that there'll be an anonymously sent package in there with my beloved rubber chicken and a note saying "sorry, dude." But it's never there! Makes me sad, you guys. :(

So that's it. OH, I watched Get Him to the Greek, and it's the best movie ever made and I think you should all go see it. So do that.

I hope this Monday is quick and painless.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I've had my share of sand kicked in my face (AKA WINNERS ARE HERE!)

You guys ready for some WINNERSSSSS??? Hell yeah? Oh, okay...calm down. This is a respectable joint I'm trying to run here, if you don't mind.

All in all, I had 129 entries! The most of any of my giveaways so far, so hooray!

Alright, so...we'll start off today's festivities with the coveted I CAN TIE MY SHOES award! That one's going out to my main man Tony "The Anti-Jared" Posnalongname. Did you guys know he lost over 200 pounds and now he can tie his shoes and wipe himself?? We should all be so lucky to be where you are one day, Tony (especially me!). And I ain't talking about Florida, cause humidity sucks, right? RIGHT! Sorry you didn't win a real prize, but you can have this ribbon if you want it cause I bought it for you and it cost me a whole dollar. That's nothing to shake a stick at in today's rough economic climate, Tony! You ungrateful... Congrats, Jared! I wanted to send this along with a $5 Subway card, but you people know I have strict monetary limits for gag gifts. Wonk wonk.

The next prize is the GREAT EFFORT AWARD given to the Blogger who went ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty in order to win like some water balloons and shit. This one goes out to my gal Tammy! She is the only one who made me a video talking about how great I am! It really did make me feel great too, so KUDOS, Tammy Gibbler. Along with your awesome ribbon, you also get those fucking BOSS Jonas Brothers notepads! There's one for each brother, AND one with ALL the brothers in case you're feeling extra sassy one day! Woohoo!

Alright, now we're getting into the meat of the sandwich, folks. Next up, we got HONORABLE MENTION! According to True Random Number Generator, this one goes out to #87, who just happens to beeeeee...Ariel of Ramblings in the Circle of Nine! I dunno what you won yet, lady, but I guess I'll go back to Ross and see if they got anymore of those peelers since you said you liked it. If not, I'm sure it will be something equally awesome because it's the only way I know how to be. Congrats, friend!
In SECOND PLACE, we got #114...and that is...TARA of 263 and Counting! Tara, you win a random summer prize pack that hasn't been assembled yet, AND a $10 Starbucks card! Unless you don't like Starbucks, which would be ODD since it's so damn great, but if you are weird and hate it for some reason, let me know before I go buy the dang thing and then you don't even use it! Really, the gift card can be from anywhere as long as it's within like 5 miles of my house, cause it's summer here and you know I don't have air in my car, so I'm not gonna drive across town or anything, but I DO want you to be happy, so yeah. Get with me on this at a later time, please. Thanks. Congrats!



Tricia! ME?? I WON?? REALLY??? OH, it's that OTHER Tricia...(sadface.)

Congrats to Tricia at Endurance Isn't Only Phyical for winning ALL THE THINGS! Hooray!

Sheeee is the champion, my friiiiennndssss...
And sheeee'lll keep on fighting (fatphobia) till the enddddddd...
NO TIME FOR LOSERZ (yous guys)
Cause sheeee is the championnnnn...of my bloggggg!
(sing it, you know you want to!)

Congrats to alllll the winners, and please send your addresses and social security numbers to to get your prizes!

As for the rest of you guys, I sorry :(

I love you all. All 352 of you, woooooo!!!

Have an awesome weekend! I gotta go to Utah for a funeral (downer!) I've never been to Utah though, so hopefully it won't be too terrible and I won't come back a Mormon and wife 6 of 7.

Bye bye :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I made a spreadsheet because I am a professional.

You guys! Tonight is the drawing for the 300 THINGS!! Did you enter?? Did you tell your friends?? What are you waiting for???

I noticed I'm at like 341 Followers now. Holy shitballs! Should I do a second prize drawing if we reach the coveted 350 before the drawing tonight?? I think we should. I dunno what it'll be yet. Prolly just some random shit, but who doesn't love that? Random shit is like my favorite shit ever! We're pretty close, and I have faith in you guys. You're like the best Street Team ever! If Ron Paul had followers like you, he woulda at least been on the ballot. I wouldn't have voted for him because I still think he's all wackadoo, but that's besides the point.

Okay, so...don't forget to enter. If you already entered, your name is on this rad Excel Spreadsheet I made so everyone is assigned a number and I don't have to do a lot of handicrafts just to pick a winner. Is your name here?? If not, might wanna get on that, that's all I'm gonna say.

I don't really have anything to blog about today cause everything's all weird. I'm back on plan, and work is all sad cause my boss' mom died, then my coworker's mom died within like 2 days of each other. Lots of calls home to moms, I bet. It's sad.

In lighter news, here's some pictures from my road trip because nothing is more fun and exciting than looking at other people's vacation photos!

^Here's a picture of the gals at The World's Largest Thermometer in Baker, CA. Nothing says "California" to me like a giant non-working thermometer outside of a Bob's Big Boy. I tried to get Angel to dry-hump the Big Boy statue, but she clearly wasn't drunk enough...yet.

^Turns out people in California really like the shitty Lakers for some reason, so this picture got me shot in the ass about seven times at a Burlington Coat Factory. It was worth it. Eff Kobe.

^ I was bringing down a reign of terror at Dave and Buster's the like that those suckers have never seen! I traded in my 2400 tickets for a beach towel and a giant Pixy Stix. They were clearly relieved to see me leave before I turned over several pool tables in a fit of 'roid rage.

^I tried out this shiny new hat at Burlington's because it had all kinds of awesome shit on it like crosses, red paint, silver rhinestones, and some Old English lettering that was undetectable to the human eye. I decided not to get it because it was seven whole dollars and that mask already set me back a cool 20.

^Here we are outside of the hotel. It's like 9am and there's about 4 billion beer cans open in this picture alone. Hair of the dog, indeed.

^This is SUPER the whole reason these nerds wanted to go to D & B to begin with! I ditched this game about an hour in and found the Skee-Ball lanes. Kicked it with some 'tweens and talked about Justin Beiber. Won a shitload of tickets. Life is good.

^We played some pool to round out the night. You know it's $14 an hour for a pool table and we were averaging like an hour a game because we SUUUUUCK. The key is to be sober when the bill comes because then you can just divide it up not counting yourself and get those other suckers to pay your part. It always works. EVERY TIME. Always.

^My new thing is making out waiters take pictures with us. This was Keith! Keith was cool but he said we were crazy to live in Las Vegas. So I punched him right in the jimmy. Then I thought about it for a second and realized he was right. I apologized but I didn't really mean it.

^Waiter #2 with the birthday boy/captain. This dude's name was Mike and he sure liked to dance to early 90s grooves. Remember Quad City DJs??? They remember them at Joe's Crab Shack in case you were wondering...

Then we came home and I was freaking tired. The end.

Good luck tonite to you cats that entered!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Who you callin' a sissy??

My 3-day weekend was a fucking blast. I was super busy and I had a ton of fun. Ton, being the operative word. The wagon ran over me and I almost lost sight of which direction I plan to steer my summer towards.

It came back to me when I read THIS post by some joker named Jack Sh*t. I may give him occasional hell for the asterisk, but the fact of the matter is that the dude is one hell of a motivator. So...thanks, Jack. For all your crazy bullshit and the other stuff too.

I now present to you my feeble attempt at imitation-as-flattery. We'll call it "Pulling a Jack."

That whole ending sequence will make a lot more sense to you if you were ever a fan of 80s-era Hulk Hogan. OH YEAH, BROTHER!

***No twinkies were harmed in the making of this post. Okay, well just that one.