Get your eagle on...

When I went to my orthopedic surgeon a week ago, he told me to get rid of my boot/cast thing and just start wearing a regular tennis shoe. That was pretty great news at the time, but I didn't realize it would still hurt so much just to wear a shoe. That boot was really misleading because it was amazingly painless, so it gave me a false sense of wellness. This size 10 Sketcher doesn't offer up the same confidence.




I guess it's because I have to walk really slow. A glacier-like pace, people. And I've always prided myself on the fact that even though I was a tub, I had a pretty normal walking pace. I could keep up with folks without being all outta breath or gripping my chest, you know? And now I walk all slow and waddly. It's bothersome. I feel like with the boot at least, people could look at me and plainly see that I had a foot injury. But now I just blend in as a fattie who can BARELY walk. I will admit, it's embarrassing and it makes me not wanna go out much. I get judged enough just being this size, I don't need the added mobility problems to make people shake their heads or stare.





One day I'll be able to live my life and not care what people think about me. Until then, I guess I just gotta remember...



Afterall, I'm not doing people any great disservice by merely existing as a fat person, so why do they insist on going out of their way to show their disapproval? They're jerks, that's why.

Anyway, I'm doing the giveaway drawing tonite, so there's still time to enter if you haven't already! I'll post the winners at some point this weekend (possibly Monday morning?). Good luck!

Have a great Friday, guys.

So hot right now...

My boss talked to me the other day about starting a Biggest Loser Challenge at work. I was pretty excited thinking I need all the motivation I can get. It's supposed to run from March 1 - May 31...14 weeks. Lots of fun stuff in that 14 weeks like...Easter, my birthday, a million potlucks and kiddie birthday parties, and I'm sure lots of other last-minute-lets-go-eat-celebrations. But maybe the added pressure of my boss seeing my WEIGHT on a weekly basis (kill me now) will help me say no to all these excuses for free-for-alls.

I'm a little uneasy about it, to be honest. Of the ten of us participating so far, I've got the most weight to lose, by far. By like a big ass country mile of difference. Everyone else is in the low 200s and I'm in the 400s and that sucks. On the one hand, I'll probably lose more. But since it's done by percentage just like the real show, I would have to lose a lot more just to be in the running. I'm not trying to talk myself out of it...I guess i'm just not thrilled with the idea of anyone in my real life knowing how much I actually weigh.

My boss used to go to Weight Watchers meetings with me. She was all proud to show off her little booklet telling the world she went from 181 to 178 in a week. Me, on the other hand...I hid that thing like it was made of gold and the Nazis were knocking around outside my door. I know it's just a number, but it's a rather large number that I'd rather not be labeled by.

Oh well, I'm only making it worse by dwelling on it. I'll resign myself to it and get over it at some point this weekend so I can show up Monday and act like it's no big deal. Sure, it's big, but the whole point of this thing is to make it smaller...together. So...yeah. Just keep telling myself that.

ANYWAY, is anyone watching American Idol this season? Why has everyone been so terrible so far? And why do half of the guys look like that Justin Beiber kid (AKA DINA'S BOYFRIIIIEND!!!)? The only guy that was even kinda good last nite was the hot blonde dude who TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE HANSEL FROM ZOOLANDER. I mean, twinz.

My guess is that Adam Lambert was just too good last year and now everyone else sucks by comparison. These kids better get better or else I'll have to watch something else...and no one wants that. Especially me. So please get it together. Thanks.

Giveaway winners tomorrow!

EDIT:

This is what I'm talking about! I just got this in my work inbox:

Like I need reminders. There's food in here, I get it, thanks.

Bussa cap. No court in the world would convict me. Well, if the jury are frequent dieters, at least...

Day 3: A Case of the Wednesdays

This has been a long-ass week. Maybe it's the absence of afternoon candy bars (and mid-morning candy bars...) that seems to make the days drag on foreverrrrrrr. Still kickin' it though.

Today could be tough. There's a Baby Shower/Birthday potluck thing going on at work. Pizza and cake and lots of other crap I don't need but want want WANT. I didn't contribute because I thought maybe if I didn't bring anything, I wouldn't feel obligated to eat. Or moreso I was hoping the guilt trip would help me say no. It's all smelly in here. Smells like a carnival food court. Man, I need a job where people don't eat. Just me and a bunch of anorexics, that would be TOPS. Then again, I'd just hate them all for being skinny. Damn skinny bitches!

Oh well, I have my boring chili and boring salad and I'll just try to avoid that whole half of the room today if need be. Everyone around here is pregnant. I think there's gonna be like one of these per month for at least the next 3-4 months. People need to stop having babies. It's called population control, people. I'm sorry, I'm lashing out because I want cake. STUPID BABIES AND THE CAKES THEY CREATE.

Last night at trivia, I realized that Jeff's family is a bunch of feeders. Everyone brought like a snack to share. It's only 3 hours! They're already drinking beer, now we have a big pack of Red Vines and a big ol' bag of pretzels, beer nuts and a deep dish pizza! Seriously? It was hard but I just had my Tootsie Roll Pop and four glasses of water. Not saying that a lollipop is the height of nutrition or anything, but it's better than the thickest pizza I've ever freaking seen. Inches from my face, people. Not cool. We got 3rd. Trivia is too hard lately...stresses me out. I miss my British!

It just sucks because everywhere I look, there's shit I shouldn't eat. It's hard to always say no. I realize that I have to say no if I ever plan on losing this weight, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just have to get tough. I'm too lenient and everything seems like a good enough reason to overindulge. Just feels like I'm being punished or something because right now I'm in the shittiest stage of dieting which is like feeling deprived but also having no results to show for it. Eventually there will be results, but patience is not my strong point. Enough sulking...I can do this, remember?

Giveaway still going strong if you're feeling a little backed up lately.

Onward!

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me...

Since technically we're counting this as Day 1, I thought I should report that I did pretty good. I woke up too late to have breakfast, which was a bummer, but I had an orange, so it's all gravy, baby. Made some rockin' teriyaki chicken kabobs for dinner and they were pretty good considering I made them. I...am not a chef. I'm just like, not good at it. In my head, things always make sense and have layering flavor profiles and all that nonsense. But when I make it, it always ends up black and bloodied. Poor food. It gives its life for me to eat it and I just have no skillz to appreciate it.

Maybe I should take a cooking class or something. Everything costs money though, and I don't have much. Maybe I just learn to live with my shitty cuisine. That sounds affordable.

Are you guys watching Celebrity Fit Club this season? That show is RIDONK. They are forreal taking a lot of liberties with the word "celebrity". I think I've come to the realization that I barely care about this show when Carnie Wilson's crazy ass isn't there. Also, most of the people are NOT fat. I know there's fatter celebrities out there so this show must have the tiniest of budgets. Like, even tiny by VH1 standards. And they're doing a reality show out of a basement this season. So...what the hell?

Here's the cast. How many can you name??

If you can name four, then your taste is eclectic as hell. I'll still watch it though...cause I'll watch anything with Bobby Brown in it. And also because JAY. Second best Project Runway contestant everrrr. (Santino, what what?) I dunno. Nicole Eggert? Seriously? What would Scott Baio say?

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I lost most/all of you with this post, but if you made it this far, I will remind you to enter my Shitz N Gigglez giveaway! Good luck, homies!

Day 2 comin' up...I can do this :)

SnGz

Hear ye hear ye! Let it be known that there is free stuff to be had simply by reading this blog today. Go forward and tell thine blogging community:




Here's two life lessons I've found to be exceedingly true in my almost 32 years of life:
1. Laughter is the best medicine.
2. Everybody poops.



They may not be the most profound lessons, but they are effective and honest. If you can't laugh at yourself and the people you love, then you are destined to be one pissed off person for most of your unfunny life. And if you're having problems with #2 (pun very much intended), well, you probably need more fiber.



It is with those two simple points in mind that I present to you my second ever Blog Giveaway! Just in time for its first birthday! Without further ado, feast your eyes on...

The Shitz n Gigglez Giveaway!

This is possibly one of the top five most fibery blog giveaways...ever.

Before I list the loots, I feel I must say that it's not like I'm trumpeting Lisa Lampanelli as some dieting guru. I'm only saying that as a fat girl with a lot of self-esteem issues, I felt a lot of echoed sentiment in this book hidden among the fat jokes and stories of banging black dudes. MAYBE that's not your style, in which case, MAYBE you don't wanna enter, and hey, I'm okay with that. But she went to Fat Rehab! So...just saying, maybe she's an unlikely motivator, but a motivator all the same. Yeah.

So anyway, here's what you get: (counter clockwise from top left...)

1. The book: Lisa Lampanelli - Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks. (this is the gigglez part, see?)

2. Fit and Fresh Fruit and Veggie Bowl: Comes with a cool little ice ring thingy and compartments for 3 fruits/veggies and one dip with a cover. Fruit and veggies are the BESTEST way to get in that fiber. I have one of these, and well, it rules.

3. Quaker Weight Control Instant Oatmeal (Variety Pack) - 6g fiber per serving!

4. Fiber One Complete Pancake Mix - 5g fiber per serving!

5. Progresso High Fiber Chicken Tuscany Soup - 7g fiber per serving!

6. Fiber One 90 Calorie Chewy Bars (chocolate peanut butter flavor) - 5g fiber per serving!

7. Jolly Time 100 calorie Healthy Pop Popcorn (butter flavor) - 9g fiber per serving!

8. Emerald 100 Calorie Cocoa Roast Almonds - 2g fiber per serving!

9. Fiber One Blueberry Muffin Mix - 5g fiber per serving! (don't forget to use the Hungry Girl recipe to lower the calories and add even more fiber with pumpkin!)

There's some more small stuff but I forgot to take pictures of it and who doesn't like surprises?? It's just like gum and a card or something, I think? Anyway...

So you guys know the drill when it comes to these giveaways...here's how to enter:
1. Leave me a comment telling me YOUR favorite fibery food. If you don't have one, then just make something up!
2. Link to my blog from YOUR blog telling the masses about this giveaway! (then leave me another comment here saying you did it. I'm no psychic!)
3. Post a picture of your proudest poop. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
4. TWO ENTRIES if your comment is a poo-inspired joke!

That's it. Stock up on Charmin and hang tight. I'll draw the winner on um...Friday-ish? That sounds good.

Have a great Monday, guys!

365 Semi-Good Excuses.

First thing's first: Happy birthday to my blog! It was a whole year ago today that I made the switcheroo from Freewebs to Blogger. It's probably the only decision I made in the last year that came with NO regrets! A lot has been blogged over the last 365...let's take a moment to reminisce, shall we?

Am I having a stroke? Because my life is flashing before my eyes (and I smell burning hair...) Ah, those were some kinda good times. A lot has changed in just one small year. Some good stuff, some bad stuff and I now have metal in my foot. I tell you one thing that DIDN'T change though, and that's my weight. Bummer! I thought for sure I'd have made a significant dent in that 410er I started out with. Yet here she sits...typing...elipses. Oh well, no use crying over spilled buttercream frosting. Lick it up and let's move on...

To year two! Project Y2Trish starts today! Well, actually it started like a week ago, but for continuity's sake, let's just say today. You can play along at home too! Alls you gotta do is change the "Trish" part into your own name! Unless your name is Trish, in which case, skip that step and just move on to Phase 2.

The plan:

Phase 1: Create a name. DONE!

Phase 2: Little to No Cake (after Blog Birthday Cake. Kiddingggggg.)

Phase 3: Stop whining about your RoboFoot and go back to Physical Therapy.

Phase 4: Eat less. A lot less. And better stuff too!

Phase 5: When you can walk again, do some of that.

Phase 6: Lose weight.

Phase 7: Don't give up IF you don't lose enough.

Phase 8: Stop your goddamn crying and lose some weight!

Phase 9: Get some jeans that fit.

Phase 10: Get some more jeans that are a smaller size and then make them fit too. Repeat until at goal weight.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Come on, you guyz, we can DO ITTTTTT! I already made turkey/veggie chili today so like, this week is pretty much on LOCK, son. I can't really weigh-in because trying to stand still on the scale with this foot is kinda impossible. I'll do it when I can though. Then we'll start making like charts and shit and make this all scientific and whatnot. Some Next Generation type shit, if you will.

Alright, I'm only gonna say this once: I'm giving you people permission to be hard on me. If you see me blog-whining about whatever and saying how I failed AGAIN and posting pictures of bad things I ate, YOU HAVE PERMISSION to give me that "tough love" shit that I HATE HATE HATE. I need help. There, I said it.

That being said, I also need to get back into therapy. Hopefully with someone who isn't some psycho drill sargent who thinks that if she sighs and talks louder, it'll get into my head somehow. If any of you are in the Vegas area and know a good therapist who deals with eating disorders and a WHOLE handful of other miscellaneous issues, I would gladly take a referral.

K guys...year 2 will be better. More blogging, less pounds.

P.S. Come back tomorrow for my Bloggy Birthday Giveaway! Don't forget!

Beanpies.

It's Valentine's Day here at the ol' cubicle farm today which means lots of scary treats to try to avoid. I had a bagel. That's not so bad even if it is extra-carby. At least it doesn't have frosting. I have an ever-growing pile of candy building up as people pass by my desk this morning. So far nothing I can't live without....whew. Those chalky hearts and lots of lollipops. My new principle of "don't eat it just because it's there" will serve me well today.

Before I leave, I wanted to pass along the most baller-ass valentine ever invented to each of you. Heed its lesson well and have a great Valentine's Day, guyz. :)

Your dad and I had a Moon Landing in the locker room.

As you may or may not remember, I got a new phone a few months ago. It's a MyTouch with Google. I pretty much walked in to T-Mobile and reached for the first thing that said the word Google and plunked down a cool two hundred bones and left with it. Still reeling over not being able to get one at Wal-Mart for like 1/10th of the price, I decided to be pissed at the phone. It didn't last. I can't stay mad at you, baby. With your maroonish hue and ability to allow me access to FaceBook in any bathroom in the world, you made me love you. (I didn't wanna do it...)

Since that fateful day, I've become something I always hated: a phone addict. It's ALWAYS on me. Be it pocket or bra, it's always ON MY PERSON (hate that saying, btw). I'm constantly fucking with it, checking email, facebook, twitter...pretty much doing everything except calling people...(how primitive!) I'm that person vaguely listening to your story at lunch time while I FaceBook how "OMG, my co-worker is boring me to DEATH!" What an asshole.

It didn't take long for Jeff to realize that I was paying even LESS attention to his stories as usual and see that this phone is pushing a rather large wedge in our "relationship." Rather than remedy it, we decided he needed a new phone too. Two new phones means two new data plans, plus insurance on said expensive new phones. Which means our cell phone bill went from "whoa" to "LIKE WHOA MAN WTF!"

As a result, I had to give up my beloved UNLIMITED TEXTS for a lowly 400. (One for each pound?) It's hard! I finally have a phone where you don't have to hit a button 4 times to make a capital "S" and now I have these crippling limitations! It's gotten to a point where I judgementally read each text I get and think to myself "what a waste!" The worst is when someone sends a series of tiny texts that could have been like, one sentence if they weren't just hitting SEND with such reckless abandon.

Here's the thing: I think I lost a friend today. It started innocently enough at 11:16am with the text "What kind of frosting did Jeff's cake have? It's now my life goal to make that cake!" I replied back "cream cheese frosting" and thought it was done! I went to lunch and came back to 31 missed texts! Ranging from "do you think i should omit the chocolate chips?" to "okay, i'm putting it innnnnnnnn" followed 25 minutes later by "i'm taking it outtttttttttt!!" Dude. I love cake. If you know me, you know my love of cake. And if I'm being totally serious, there's little more than I'd love to do all day than to get status updates of people's various cake-making efforts...BUT...not by text, dammit!

I checked my balance and realized I have 97 texts left to last the remaining 17 days of this month! I decided to be proactive and delicately tell her to chillax on the updates. "hey man, i'm not trying to be a bitch, but i'm on limited texts. why not email me a storyline?? :)" I thought it was cute and a good alternative to saying "DUDE CUT THE SHIT!", but alas, now she's all pissed and hurt. People are too sensitive these days! It's not like you're updating me on your impending labor and delivery...it's a cake. And for ME of all people to downplay a cake, you know it's excessive.

It's horrible timing on my part because she's semi-dating the British dude from trivia and I am living vicariously through her and I need the DEEEEEEETS. Damn, I really shot myself in my foot this time. I guess the moral of this story is that it's worth the extra ten bucks a month (being added to an already rape-like amount) just to not be deemed the text nazi. Now I'll never know what it's like to kiss those tight thin british lips. Le sigh.

(No segue...)

Anyway, it's almost my blogiversary! Only a few more weeks. I'm planning a giveaway, but I will warn you now that it's not for the faint of heart. Or anyone who can't take a joke (scram!) OR anyone who hates the word shit. No asterisks allowed!

Hope you dudes are doing fine. This was like the Seinfeld of updates. Because it's about nothing, not because it's funny. I'll try harder soon.

P.S. My new favorite show is called Modern Family and if you're not already watching it, please do so you will understand what will probably be a series of Blog Titles for me. Thanks! <3

Does he LOOK like a BITCH?

Man, I am having a heck of a time getting any work done today. My brain's all crazy-times and IIIIIIII don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on this drum all dayyyyy and whatnot. Prolly cause I'm all hopped up on just about every OTC sinus medication available at walgreens AND...a big ol' antibiotic. That sucker is big. It's the cadillac of antibiotics, if such a thing were to actually exist.

You guys watch the SuperBowl last night? They should rename it the SuperDoritosandBudLightCommercialathon. Made me kinda miss those frogs. Remember those? That shit was big...there were t-shirts. I've said too much.

I noticed via several commercials that Denny's is bringing back the free Grand Slam for your birthday. Man, oh man, there is nothing I love more than getting something for nothing. Even if it's something I don't really want. Like a grand slam, for instance. It's still nice of them to offer, and what am I? Too good for a handout? Certainly not during these times of economic turmoil.

But I like birthday surprises! And Denny's is like that friend that buys your birthday gift months in advance and then gets all excited and can't stop dropping hints at what it is every time you see them but then you still have to act all surprised when you open it like "Whoa, a toaster! How'd you know??" I'm not that great of an actor, Denny's. Then like every time I pass by, Denny's is gonna be all "HEY IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY??" and I'm gonna be like "No, not for another couple months, D." Then it's gonna be all "well...I can't wait for you to get your present! I think you're gonna love it! Hey, you still like eggs, doncha??" And I don't have the heart to say that I really don't like eggs that much and I think Denny's breakfast kinda sucks and I wish it was a free SuperBird instead. No eggs on that thing. I dunno...back off, Denny's.

Anyway, tonite is Jeff's birthday party and we're going to a place where I DO actually like the food and there's not an egg in sight. Nothing but the finest hot wings and pizza and homemade chips. But I'm sick. So aside from the fact that I am morbidly obese, another good reason not to splurge tonite is that everything pretty much tastes like snot. I don't have to eat a bunch of it just because it's there. Especially when I can't even taste it. So chillax, have a wing or two, then just enjoy the company, then go home. I feel like Vincent Vega trying to convince myself not to fuck Marsellis Wallace's wife right now. Hope she doesn't OD on the couch while I'm in here talking to myself...

This is crazy. I love you all.