Friday, February 26, 2010
I guess it's because I have to walk really slow. A glacier-like pace, people. And I've always prided myself on the fact that even though I was a tub, I had a pretty normal walking pace. I could keep up with folks without being all outta breath or gripping my chest, you know? And now I walk all slow and waddly. It's bothersome. I feel like with the boot at least, people could look at me and plainly see that I had a foot injury. But now I just blend in as a fattie who can BARELY walk. I will admit, it's embarrassing and it makes me not wanna go out much. I get judged enough just being this size, I don't need the added mobility problems to make people shake their heads or stare.
One day I'll be able to live my life and not care what people think about me. Until then, I guess I just gotta remember...
Afterall, I'm not doing people any great disservice by merely existing as a fat person, so why do they insist on going out of their way to show their disapproval? They're jerks, that's why.
Anyway, I'm doing the giveaway drawing tonite, so there's still time to enter if you haven't already! I'll post the winners at some point this weekend (possibly Monday morning?). Good luck!
Have a great Friday, guys.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
My guess is that Adam Lambert was just too good last year and now everyone else sucks by comparison. These kids better get better or else I'll have to watch something else...and no one wants that. Especially me. So please get it together. Thanks.
Giveaway winners tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Today could be tough. There's a Baby Shower/Birthday potluck thing going on at work. Pizza and cake and lots of other crap I don't need but want want WANT. I didn't contribute because I thought maybe if I didn't bring anything, I wouldn't feel obligated to eat. Or moreso I was hoping the guilt trip would help me say no. It's all smelly in here. Smells like a carnival food court. Man, I need a job where people don't eat. Just me and a bunch of anorexics, that would be TOPS. Then again, I'd just hate them all for being skinny. Damn skinny bitches!
Oh well, I have my boring chili and boring salad and I'll just try to avoid that whole half of the room today if need be. Everyone around here is pregnant. I think there's gonna be like one of these per month for at least the next 3-4 months. People need to stop having babies. It's called population control, people. I'm sorry, I'm lashing out because I want cake. STUPID BABIES AND THE CAKES THEY CREATE.
Last night at trivia, I realized that Jeff's family is a bunch of feeders. Everyone brought like a snack to share. It's only 3 hours! They're already drinking beer, now we have a big pack of Red Vines and a big ol' bag of pretzels, beer nuts and a deep dish pizza! Seriously? It was hard but I just had my Tootsie Roll Pop and four glasses of water. Not saying that a lollipop is the height of nutrition or anything, but it's better than the thickest pizza I've ever freaking seen. Inches from my face, people. Not cool. We got 3rd. Trivia is too hard lately...stresses me out. I miss my British!
It just sucks because everywhere I look, there's shit I shouldn't eat. It's hard to always say no. I realize that I have to say no if I ever plan on losing this weight, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just have to get tough. I'm too lenient and everything seems like a good enough reason to overindulge. Just feels like I'm being punished or something because right now I'm in the shittiest stage of dieting which is like feeling deprived but also having no results to show for it. Eventually there will be results, but patience is not my strong point. Enough sulking...I can do this, remember?
Giveaway still going strong if you're feeling a little backed up lately.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
If you can name four, then your taste is eclectic as hell. I'll still watch it though...cause I'll watch anything with Bobby Brown in it. And also because JAY. Second best Project Runway contestant everrrr. (Santino, what what?) I dunno. Nicole Eggert? Seriously? What would Scott Baio say?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Here's two life lessons I've found to be exceedingly true in my almost 32 years of life:
1. Laughter is the best medicine.
2. Everybody poops.
They may not be the most profound lessons, but they are effective and honest. If you can't laugh at yourself and the people you love, then you are destined to be one pissed off person for most of your unfunny life. And if you're having problems with #2 (pun very much intended), well, you probably need more fiber.
It is with those two simple points in mind that I present to you my second ever Blog Giveaway! Just in time for its first birthday! Without further ado, feast your eyes on...
This is possibly one of the top five most fibery blog giveaways...ever.
Before I list the loots, I feel I must say that it's not like I'm trumpeting Lisa Lampanelli as some dieting guru. I'm only saying that as a fat girl with a lot of self-esteem issues, I felt a lot of echoed sentiment in this book hidden among the fat jokes and stories of banging black dudes. MAYBE that's not your style, in which case, MAYBE you don't wanna enter, and hey, I'm okay with that. But she went to Fat Rehab! So...just saying, maybe she's an unlikely motivator, but a motivator all the same. Yeah.
So anyway, here's what you get: (counter clockwise from top left...)
1. The book: Lisa Lampanelli - Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks. (this is the gigglez part, see?)
2. Fit and Fresh Fruit and Veggie Bowl: Comes with a cool little ice ring thingy and compartments for 3 fruits/veggies and one dip with a cover. Fruit and veggies are the BESTEST way to get in that fiber. I have one of these, and well, it rules.
3. Quaker Weight Control Instant Oatmeal (Variety Pack) - 6g fiber per serving!
4. Fiber One Complete Pancake Mix - 5g fiber per serving!5. Progresso High Fiber Chicken Tuscany Soup - 7g fiber per serving!
6. Fiber One 90 Calorie Chewy Bars (chocolate peanut butter flavor) - 5g fiber per serving!
7. Jolly Time 100 calorie Healthy Pop Popcorn (butter flavor) - 9g fiber per serving!
8. Emerald 100 Calorie Cocoa Roast Almonds - 2g fiber per serving!
9. Fiber One Blueberry Muffin Mix - 5g fiber per serving! (don't forget to use the Hungry Girl recipe to lower the calories and add even more fiber with pumpkin!)
There's some more small stuff but I forgot to take pictures of it and who doesn't like surprises?? It's just like gum and a card or something, I think? Anyway...
So you guys know the drill when it comes to these giveaways...here's how to enter:
1. Leave me a comment telling me YOUR favorite fibery food. If you don't have one, then just make something up!
2. Link to my blog from YOUR blog telling the masses about this giveaway! (then leave me another comment here saying you did it. I'm no psychic!)
3. Post a picture of your proudest poop. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.
4. TWO ENTRIES if your comment is a poo-inspired joke!
That's it. Stock up on Charmin and hang tight. I'll draw the winner on um...Friday-ish? That sounds good.
Have a great Monday, guys!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Since that fateful day, I've become something I always hated: a phone addict. It's ALWAYS on me. Be it pocket or bra, it's always ON MY PERSON (hate that saying, btw). I'm constantly fucking with it, checking email, facebook, twitter...pretty much doing everything except calling people...(how primitive!) I'm that person vaguely listening to your story at lunch time while I FaceBook how "OMG, my co-worker is boring me to DEATH!" What an asshole.
It didn't take long for Jeff to realize that I was paying even LESS attention to his stories as usual and see that this phone is pushing a rather large wedge in our "relationship." Rather than remedy it, we decided he needed a new phone too. Two new phones means two new data plans, plus insurance on said expensive new phones. Which means our cell phone bill went from "whoa" to "LIKE WHOA MAN WTF!"
As a result, I had to give up my beloved UNLIMITED TEXTS for a lowly 400. (One for each pound?) It's hard! I finally have a phone where you don't have to hit a button 4 times to make a capital "S" and now I have these crippling limitations! It's gotten to a point where I judgementally read each text I get and think to myself "what a waste!" The worst is when someone sends a series of tiny texts that could have been like, one sentence if they weren't just hitting SEND with such reckless abandon.
Here's the thing: I think I lost a friend today. It started innocently enough at 11:16am with the text "What kind of frosting did Jeff's cake have? It's now my life goal to make that cake!" I replied back "cream cheese frosting" and thought it was done! I went to lunch and came back to 31 missed texts! Ranging from "do you think i should omit the chocolate chips?" to "okay, i'm putting it innnnnnnnn" followed 25 minutes later by "i'm taking it outtttttttttt!!" Dude. I love cake. If you know me, you know my love of cake. And if I'm being totally serious, there's little more than I'd love to do all day than to get status updates of people's various cake-making efforts...BUT...not by text, dammit!
I checked my balance and realized I have 97 texts left to last the remaining 17 days of this month! I decided to be proactive and delicately tell her to chillax on the updates. "hey man, i'm not trying to be a bitch, but i'm on limited texts. why not email me a storyline?? :)" I thought it was cute and a good alternative to saying "DUDE CUT THE SHIT!", but alas, now she's all pissed and hurt. People are too sensitive these days! It's not like you're updating me on your impending labor and delivery...it's a cake. And for ME of all people to downplay a cake, you know it's excessive.
It's horrible timing on my part because she's semi-dating the British dude from trivia and I am living vicariously through her and I need the DEEEEEEETS. Damn, I really shot myself in my foot this time. I guess the moral of this story is that it's worth the extra ten bucks a month (being added to an already rape-like amount) just to not be deemed the text nazi. Now I'll never know what it's like to kiss those tight thin british lips. Le sigh.
Anyway, it's almost my blogiversary! Only a few more weeks. I'm planning a giveaway, but I will warn you now that it's not for the faint of heart. Or anyone who can't take a joke (scram!) OR anyone who hates the word shit. No asterisks allowed!
Hope you dudes are doing fine. This was like the Seinfeld of updates. Because it's about nothing, not because it's funny. I'll try harder soon.
P.S. My new favorite show is called Modern Family and if you're not already watching it, please do so you will understand what will probably be a series of Blog Titles for me. Thanks! <3
Monday, February 8, 2010
You guys watch the SuperBowl last night? They should rename it the SuperDoritosandBudLightCommercialathon. Made me kinda miss those frogs. Remember those? That shit was big...there were t-shirts. I've said too much.
I noticed via several commercials that Denny's is bringing back the free Grand Slam for your birthday. Man, oh man, there is nothing I love more than getting something for nothing. Even if it's something I don't really want. Like a grand slam, for instance. It's still nice of them to offer, and what am I? Too good for a handout? Certainly not during these times of economic turmoil.
But I like birthday surprises! And Denny's is like that friend that buys your birthday gift months in advance and then gets all excited and can't stop dropping hints at what it is every time you see them but then you still have to act all surprised when you open it like "Whoa, a toaster! How'd you know??" I'm not that great of an actor, Denny's. Then like every time I pass by, Denny's is gonna be all "HEY IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY??" and I'm gonna be like "No, not for another couple months, D." Then it's gonna be all "well...I can't wait for you to get your present! I think you're gonna love it! Hey, you still like eggs, doncha??" And I don't have the heart to say that I really don't like eggs that much and I think Denny's breakfast kinda sucks and I wish it was a free SuperBird instead. No eggs on that thing. I dunno...back off, Denny's.
Anyway, tonite is Jeff's birthday party and we're going to a place where I DO actually like the food and there's not an egg in sight. Nothing but the finest hot wings and pizza and homemade chips. But I'm sick. So aside from the fact that I am morbidly obese, another good reason not to splurge tonite is that everything pretty much tastes like snot. I don't have to eat a bunch of it just because it's there. Especially when I can't even taste it. So chillax, have a wing or two, then just enjoy the company, then go home. I feel like Vincent Vega trying to convince myself not to fuck Marsellis Wallace's wife right now. Hope she doesn't OD on the couch while I'm in here talking to myself...
This is crazy. I love you all.